by Susan Simone
‘You’re up,’ he said shortly and walked over. ‘I need you to stand up. I want to test the length of this.’ He put his arm out and waited for me to take it before pulling me to my feet. It hurt to stand but I felt sturdy at least. He handed me the stick he’d been carving and worrying over all this time. It was a beautiful cane vaguely shaped like a cudgel, which was probably not a mistake. The head was a panther and the body sinuously twisted its way down to a smaller point where a tiny back paw was carved to balance the weight of the bearer.
‘You made this?’ I asked astonished. He nodded a grim cast to his jaw. ‘For me?’
‘Yes, now try it out so I can see if I have the height right.’
‘It’s beautiful,’ I said still inspecting the tiny details.
‘I would have stained it but we don’t have time. Try it out.’ The head fit perfectly in my hand as if he had spent hours measuring every detail, and maybe he had. It was the perfect weight and the perfect height. I took a few slow steps and found I could get around on my own again.
‘It’s perfect,’ I reached for his hand. This time it was him who pulled away. ‘Stone I need to talk to you.’
‘Later. We have work to do. I want to leave today if we can.’
‘This can’t wait.’
‘Fine. What is it?’ he crossed his arms over his chest and stood his ground, cutting a rather imposing figure. He was as cut off from me as I’d ever seen him. How was I going to do this?
‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ I fumbled.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he started to turn around. I had to reach out and stop him.
‘I will worry about it. It’s not your fault either. They got the drop on us. You couldn’t predict what would happen.’
‘I’ll deal with my own conscious.’
‘What about mine?’
‘What about yours?’
‘I don’t want you to give up on me.’
‘Paige—.’
‘No. Look at me. Please. They broke me and I don’t know how to fix it. I look at you and all I want is to have your arms around me and to curl up in your chest for the rest of my life, but they took away my ability to accept even the smallest touch. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to leave either. You touch me and my mind knows, this is Stone, he won’t ever hurt me, my heart knows your touch and knows you care, but something they did to me jumps up and snatches that away and all I can remember is what they felt like; what being raped felt like. I don’t want to feel you and remember them.’ I was crying now, pathetic as ever. ‘I want you to touch me. I want it with every fiber of my being but it doesn’t change the fact that I panic every time. You were right. I need time, but I have no idea how much time. I don’t know when I’ll be healed, if ever, but the thought of you gone from me hurts so much more. I’m sorry for what I said, I’m sorry for pushing you away, but I’m such a mess, I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.’ His arms slowly dropped to his sides while I talked and his face softened.
‘What do you want me to do?’ he asked slowly.
‘Be there. Be my sweet strong Stone, my rock.’
‘Can you stand for me to be close?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘What hurts most is seeing fear in your eyes.’
‘I can’t change that. Maybe over time I can relearn.’
‘Do you want me to leave you alone, give you space?’
‘No! I can’t stand the thought of you gone.’ My legs started getting wobbly and I sat down. Stone went down on one knee so we were closer to eye level.
‘I want to help you through this, but I don’t know how.’
‘I don’t either.’
‘Tell me what you need from me.’
‘Wait for me to reach out to you; don’t just touch me without warning.’
‘That’ll be hard.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘No, it’s okay. I can do that.’
‘And if I flinch you don’t have to pull away, just…reassure me until I calm down.’
‘Okay.’
‘And don’t sneak up on me. I have to see you coming.’
‘Warning.’ He was very slowly moving closer as we talked. ‘Anything else?’
‘If I panic and push you away don’t take it personally.’
‘I won’t promise not to be hurt, but I can promise to remember what you’re going through. I’m not a mind reader. Talk to me sometimes about what you’re thinking and feeling.’ He was so close my knees were touching his stomach.
‘I’m terrified.’
‘It’s just me,’ he said and put his hands around my waist. I stiffened a little.
‘Stone, I’m scared,’ I started to panic.
‘Look at me. Look at my eyes.’ He drew me slowly into his arms, my body trembling the whole time. He’ll never know how hard it was for me to endure that, how hard it was not to scream and fight. Putting my arms around his neck was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but he held me and stroked my back until I softened. I cried with the relief of it. Such a simple thing, a hug. We take those for granted everyday but until it becomes impossible you never really realize how much they mean to you, how much they heal you, how important those simple touches are.
He shifted a little so I was more properly in his lap and the hilt of some weapon connected with my backside. I shrieked and panicked scrambling out of his arms. He put me back on the bed alarmed.
‘What? What is it?’
‘Your—your sword.’
‘What about it?’
‘Don’t—let them touch me.’
‘What happened?’
‘I—I didn’t tell you everything.’
‘Do you want to tell me now?’
‘The skeleton man. He—he put things like that—inside me.’
‘A sword?’ he was horrified.
‘The hilt while he was—while he was….’ Oh God I couldn’t say it; my fingers wouldn’t make the words.
‘Sweetheart.’ He ripped the sword and belt from his body throwing them across the room. ‘It’s gone now,’ he held out his arms. I was so terrified of the memory I had actually forgotten to be scared of Stone’s touch and I collapsed sobbing into his arms. I have no idea how long we stayed like that but we probably would have stayed most of the day if mother nature had let us.
As if in answer to a prayer, my stomach cramped in a familiar way, taking away half formed nightmares I was afraid to think about. Half cursing and half praising God; I pushed away reaching for the pot.
‘Paige?’ Stone looked at me astonished.
I paused for a second not sure what I could say. ‘I need rags,’ I blurted out.
‘Rags?’ he repeated clearly not understanding. I stared him down willing the heat out of my face and his mouth opened in a surprised ‘O’ of understanding. I watched the levels of relief play on his face until he half smiled and got up and handed me the torn remnants of my gown. ‘This’ll serve I think. Almost fitting if you think about it.’
‘I told you it was the mushrooms,’ I gestured pithily. Stone laughed and walked out, patting Basil’s flank where she grazed outside as he went. I grimaced cleaning up my own mess and tying the rags between my legs but all I could feel was grateful. There was no baby. They didn’t make me pregnant, and now I had one less thing to worry about, one less burden on Stone’s and my shoulders. Grateful. Thank you God!
Stone came back in with my skirt neatly folded over his arm. ‘We really do need to leave today,’ he said. ‘I cleaned this for you. Just wear my shirt. I don’t need sleeves to be decent.’
‘Thank you,’ I dressed myself, pulling out a skin I had been eyeing for this occasion. Stone’s shirt did not fit me properly and left my form a little too plain to be seen. It was strange to think this whole time I couldn’t bear to be touched I was wearing nothing but an ill fitting man’s shirt that didn’t even reach my knees.
‘Give me that,’ he said. I watched him string a strong
cord along the edges. ‘Try this.’ He had fashioned a simple corset that held me together. My figure was still visible but it felt worlds more proper. He knelt down and pointed at my feet. I held up one giving him permission and he wrapped skins around them; going almost to my knees, securing them with cords cleverly strung in. ‘I don’t want you walking too much yet but you needed something for your feet.’ He thought of everything, every detail. I put my hand on his cheek and he turned his head kissing my palm. He put a long dagger in my hand. ‘I want you to carry this from now on.’
‘I wouldn’t know how to use it.’
‘I’ll teach you. You can also use that cane as a weapon if you need to.’
‘How much further do we have to go?’
‘A week if the weather holds, two if the rains start.’
‘We’re that far away?’
‘I’m not risking the wastelands again. We’ll skirt the edge, staying to the forest. Can I pick you up?’ I froze for a second but he waited, rubbing his thumb on the top of my foot. I nodded eventually but I didn’t shake or wince when he put me in his arms. It felt kind of nice like some forgotten warmth that I didn’t know was missing until it returned. Something in me healed that day. I still had a long way to go, but some horrible thing was undone in his arms.
Twenty
It wasn’t long before I realized just how deeply ingrained my fear was. I was saddled on the horse with Stone behind; as always trying carefully to hold the reigns without touching me too much. I was mostly okay as long as I could see his hands were busy, though I sat stiffly unable to let myself relax against him. Basil struggled up a short rocky incline, and I found myself gripping the pommel for dear life rather than let myself lean back.
A large rock sat across the path at the top obscuring the view beyond. Stone pulled the horse up short just as Basil started to stick a hoof in a hole the rock hid. She reared fiercely and Stone’s arm clamped down hard around my waste, keeping me in the seat and suddenly I was back there. A strange man had his arms around me, forcing himself into me, overpowering every piece of will I could muster. I had to get away. I forgot everything and just needed to run as far and as fast as I could go.
Frantically I threw my leg over Basil’s head and literally jumped off the horse. I was afraid of landing too hard on my bad foot and came down on the side of it instead; the fall sending me sprawling to my hands and knees. I howled with the sudden pain that shot up my leg and managed to lurch to my side and grab at it. Stone was crouching before me in seconds looking totally shocked.
‘I think I hurt my ankle,’ I gestured feebly, the pain pulling me out of my panic.
‘I think so,’ he agreed. ‘You’re going to have to let me look at it.’ I nodded and rested back on my elbows. I hissed through my teeth as he pulled off the little boot he’d made me and manipulated the damaged joint. He shook his head after a little while and looked at me flatly.
‘How bad?’
‘I don’t know. It’s definitely sprained, it might be broken. At least it’s the bad foot. You won’t be walking at all for at least a week.’
‘Fuck!’ I flung myself back on my back jarring my healing ribs.
‘Careful, those ribs aren’t healed yet.’
‘I know,’ I grimaced.
‘You want to tell me what all that was about?’
‘Not really.’
‘Try anyway.’
‘The horse reared, and you put your arm around my waist,’ I fumbled badly.
‘I’m not following.’
‘Never mind.’
‘No, talk to me. We had this discussion this morning. You’re supposed to be talking to me. I’m not a mind reader.’
‘It’s embarrassing.’
‘More embarrassing than flinging yourself off the horse and breaking your ankle?’
‘I thought you were one of them. I thought you were a man in black and—it felt so real.’ I was so ashamed. Stone closed his eyes and hung his head.
‘Maybe we should go back. Maybe you’re not ready to travel yet. We can give you more time.’
‘No. I’m tired of just sitting around with nothing to do but think of my own nightmares.’
‘Then you’re going to have to find a way to ride and you’re going to have trust me to carry you around. Are you sure you don’t want to go back?’
‘I need to do this.’
‘Paige, you can’t walk. At all. I can’t ask permission to pick you up every time.’
‘It’ll be alright. We’ll figure it out.’
‘Okay, but remember you said that. I’m going to bind that ankle.’ He secured the joint with sticks and bandages and nestled it back in the skin wrapping. He made us wait while he made a skin of willow bark tea and made me drink it until I was woozy and tired. ‘That ought to help,’ he said mostly to himself.
‘I know it doesn’t seem like it,’ I said sleepily, ‘but I trust you.’ He smiled to himself and set to work. I was on the horse and in his arms in short order. He pulled my leg up a little so it rested on Basil’s neck instead of hanging down swelling. Hazy, I leaned against him and let him hold me.
‘Too bad you can’t just drink willow bark every day. It does wonders for your nerves.’
‘I know. I used to think about that same thing.’
‘Well maybe this will help with the scary things.’ I nodded nuzzling my face into his chest. ‘Next time tell me when you have a bad memory. This whole thing could have been avoided if you just told me.’
‘I know. I always get so scared and I don’t think straight. I dreamed you died.’
‘What?’
‘I dreamed you died of a broken heart and it was my fault. I was pushing myself because I didn’t want that to be true.’ I always talked too much on willow bark. ‘I talk too much on this stuff. You should tie my hands. I don’t want you to die. I love you.’ I faded away into drug induced sleep. I never saw his reaction but I thought I felt his arms close around me and maybe his lips in my hair, but that could have been the wind.
I became aware of falling. I felt suddenly exposed and lost in a sea of nothing; the world rapidly falling away from me. Hands, familiar large hands, pulled me deeper into that swirling nothingness. My eyes flew open, a scream perched on my lips, as I slid into Stone’s arms, he raised his eyebrows and braced for my yelp. I touched his face alarmed, exploring the details in the low light of stars and moon taking several deep breaths to avoid panicking. This was Stone. I was okay. It was just Stone.
After a minute of stillness, he carried me into a small shelter just big enough for two people. Really it was a glorified cave not even bigger than the one on the mountain. A cold wind whipped through my clothes biting my skin and making me shiver. I watched out of a dream state while he saw to Basil and packed our gear by the opening to keep the wind out.
‘Weather’s changing,’ he said digging through our food.
‘It should be getting warmer,’ I rubbed my arms.
‘Are you cold?’
‘Yes. I feel kind of dizzy.’
‘I think I made the tea too strong,’ he put a blanket around my shoulders.
‘How long did I sleep?’
‘All day. We’re going to cut what’s left in half I think.’ I nodded and put my hand to my head, instantly regretting it as stars exploded in my head. ‘Have some dinner and then sleep the rest of it off.’
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, why?’
‘Your arms are bare. Are you cold?’
‘I’m fine,’ he smiled.
‘Then why am I so cold?’
‘You haven’t moved all day and you’re a lot smaller than I am.’
‘Oh.’
‘Oh, she says,’ he laughed. ‘Eat.’ I complied blindly paying no attention to what was going in my mouth. The world felt strange. It moved and tumbled before my eyes; the dark colors reflecting strange accents in the corners of my eyes mesmerizing me. Stone reached out suddenly grabbing my arm and pulling me up. Tha
t was the first I realized I had been falling.
‘Paige?’
‘The world is funny.’
‘Drink some water,’ he handed me a skin. He moved next to me and put an arm around my back to hold me up. I was too confused by the rolling, tumbling world to be afraid. He pulled me shivering against him and I put my head in his lap in an effort to make everything stop moving. He stroked my hair until I was asleep.
The world tumbled, danced, and rolled in my dreams. Half the time I wondered if I was still awake, maybe I was. I danced in the orbs of light, twirling and leaping, feeling I was part of the frigid wind as it explored the cave like a wild animal in search of warmth.
I woke once sweating, my head still on Stone’s lap while he slept. My body was like pools of liquid, weightless and spreading slowly throughout the room. The world stopped moving though, and I saw clearly.
Twenty One
The morning gave birth to a torrential downpour. I felt vibration everywhere and jerked awake expecting riders. No, I should be honest; I was expecting the men in black. Stone was outside, topless in the rain, trying to coax Basil into a small shelter of thatched branches. It took me a moment to realize it was the force of the rain I was feeling and not evil come to find me.
Stone hurried back in the cave and ran his hand through his soaked hair sending rivulets of water down his body. His breeches were plastered to his body showing much more of his form than I ever thought I would see.
‘Well at least I’m clean,’ he grinned. ‘Want to give it a try?’
‘No.’
‘Are you sure? Guaranteed to wake you up.’
‘I’m awake now, thank you. Is Basil going to be okay?’
‘She’s not happy but she’ll be fine. Wild horses live in this weather with no one to care for them. She can put up with a homemade shelter. How’s the ankle?’
‘It didn’t hurt until you mentioned it.’
‘That’s the way it works,’ he grimaced and sat down by my feet. ‘Want some tea?’