But it was also the second time Kenra Monroe walked away from me for Kellan Vermont.
Jealousy. That’s what’s burning through me as I hide just inside the sliding glass door, watching Parker and Lolli relax under the sun, chatting and cooking together, completely at peace—what I assume is a typical evening for them.
I couldn’t sleep, knowing he was under the same roof as me, so eventually, I gave up and came to find him … but he has Lolli to keep him company, to laugh with.
I want to know what weekend dinners on a California deck feels like. I want to be simple, small town again. Not that this place is small town; it’s not. But I want to feel that—the purpose of everything around me.
And the only time I can is when he’s within reach.
But he’s never truly in reach. He’s so far beyond my range. I stand five foot seven, three feet away, and couldn’t pull him in with a ten-foot poll.
I watch from where I stand, as she laughs at something he said, noting the crinkles that frame his eyes as he peeks at her over his shoulder, not missing the subtle smile she gives in return.
It’s as beautiful as it is devastating.
On one hand, my heart is full for him, for him having someone he sincerely connects with. A best friend to lean on who gets him and knows what to give with a simple look. A look that speaks volumes to him.
And on the other hand, I don’t want her to have any of it—his pain or his happiness. It’s disgusting and selfish—I know this—but it’s true.
I step closer until I can hear his voice and allow it to run through me. I don’t even listen to the words, just close my eyes and lean my head against the wall, his mere presence calming me like nothing else can. His voice, digging deep, pulling at the buried pieces of myself I’ve missed … that is, until he starts talking about the night I made my first mistake.
Sophomore Year
“Come on, baby. Just hang a little longer.” Kellan rubs his nose in my hair, and I force myself to stay still for a few seconds before slowly pulling back.
I’ve been trying to leave for an hour now, and every time I mention it, he distracts me, and I end up staying longer. But people are getting to the point of regrets, so I know I need to leave before I witness drunken mistakes.
“I can’t. My parents will flip if they find out I’m still here.”
“Nate’s here, and he doesn’t look any kind of ready to leave.”
We both turn to see Nate pulling some half-naked girl down onto his lap.
“In fact”—his voice deepens, and he brings his lips to my ear—“he looks like he’s just about to get the party started.”
Ew.
Kellan’s brown eyes, slightly clouded by alcohol, come back to mine, and he slowly moves closer, caging me against the wall. “Stay. One of the rooms upstairs is for me. Will makes sure it stays clear, so I always have a place to crash at the end of the night.” He licks his full lips. “We can have our own party.”
My brows draw in, and I swallow, slight panic kicking in. Kellan sees it and starts rubbing circles on my stomach just beneath my shirt. He leans in to kiss my neck the way he’s found—and taught me—I like, a move that causes me to relax into him. His hand skates higher, caressing my ribs, as his mouth drops lower, warming my skin with kisses to my collarbone, and my breathing speeds up.
When a small, involuntary, sound makes its way up my throat, I feel his lips stretch into a smile against my skin before he immediately pulls back, grabs my hand, and all but drags me up the stairs.
The lights are off in the room he leads us to, and he doesn’t bother to turn them on when we enter. He locks the door and quickly moves us, pulling me onto the mattress with him so that we’re facing each other.
His focused stare makes me feel irresistible, like I’m just as desirable, if not more so, than the older, more experienced senior girls downstairs.
Struck with the want to please him, I lean in, making the first move, and press my lips to his. I softly kiss him, but he’s quick to take control, and he immediately shifts, pulling me closer as he grabs on to the sides of my face, directing me.
At first, my kiss is hesitant, but when he slides his hand up my stomach and lightly squeezes my breast over my shirt, I open my mouth wider, allowing him in more.
He continues to kiss me, and I try to lose myself in the moment, but I can’t. I’m timid, and he senses it.
With a huff, he pulls back and looks down at me. “You don’t want this?” His voice holds a hardened edge.
“I’m just … I don’t know … nervous maybe?”
At my response, his features soften, and he shifts closer again, whispering, “I can be gentle. Promise.” He kisses my cleavage, and I hold my breath. “It’ll be hard to control myself with you—you’re so damn sweet—but I will, if gentle and slow is what you really want.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as his fingers inch the V-neck of my shirt further down.
“I think I should go,” I whisper.
All his muscles lock up. He turns to stone above me and hovers there for a second before all but jumping off.
“Yeah. All right,” he agrees, already making his way out the door while I’m barely pulling myself up.
I walk down the stairs, alone, Kellan having disappeared from sight, and search for Liv. I don’t have to look far, spotting her in the living room right away with a red Solo cup in her hand.
She smiles instantly when she sees me and pulls me close, turning from the conversation she was having with a couple of varsity cheerleaders.
“Isn’t this awesome? I’m having so much fun!” She hiccups and then giggles before sipping her beer.
“You’re drinking?”
“Jesus Christ.” She rolls her eyes and then narrows them on me. “Yes, I’m drinking, duh. It’s a party, Kenra. That’s what you do at parties.”
“Not everyone drinks at parties, Liv, and I figured you wouldn’t be since you wanted to drive tonight.” I wave to a few of the girls who say hi to me and then look back at Liv. “I’m ready to go.”
“What? No!” Her gaze slides past me, and I turn to see Kellan making his way toward us.
Liv pinches her lips to the side as her eyes come back to mine. She pulls her keys from her jeans pocket and hands them to me. Really, she shouldn’t even be driving since she only has her permit, but her parents don’t seem to care.
“Here. Take my car.”
“Go back to your house without you?”
“My parents are gone, so what’s it matter?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
Kellan steps up and throws his muscular arm around my shoulders. “Don’t worry about Liv, babe.” He pauses for a second, staring her way. “I’ll make sure she’s taken care of.”
“You sure?”
He pulls his brown eyes from her to look down at me, an easy smile on his lips. He nods, looking her way. “Oh, I’m sure.”
I turn to give him a hug, and he squeezes me with the one arm wrapped around me. I figure he’ll walk me out, but when I step away and he offers to grab Liv a refill, it’s clear I’m on my own. I look for Nate to see if he wants a ride but don’t find him. When he doesn’t answer his phone, I decide to let him figure it out himself, and I make my way toward Liv’s car.
With a push of a button, the engine fires up, but before I can reach for the handle, a voice calls out, “Leaving already, huh?”
I yelp, jumping slightly, and search the darkness for the culprit who scared the crap out of me.
I squint when I see him sitting in a lawn chair. “Parker?”
He chuckles quietly. “Guilty as charged. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Why are you sitting there by yourself?”
“Why you leaving a Will Roberts party by yourself?” he challenges, straining for playful, but strangely enough, I hear a slight testiness in his voice.
Pushing the little button, I turn off the car and walk around it to see him better.
/>
“Well, Liv should be leaving with me, but she decided to stay a bit longer. I was just about to head to her house.” I lean against the passenger door. “Why are you not at the party?”
He shrugs, leaning back in his seat. “I’m not much of a party guy.”
This surprises me. He’s pretty popular at school. He hangs with the older crowd; most of the athletes do. I guarantee there are a bunch of girls who wait around in the halls, hoping to get a glimpse or a word from him.
Parker’s cute.
He’s got that sweet face, soft but firm. With dirty-blond hair and crystal-blue eyes, he definitely catches your attention.
And, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him at any of the parties Kellan has brought me to since we started dating a few months ago.
I glance behind him at the simple home.
I might have never been to Parker’s house before—never had a reason to—but I know it’s closer to Kellan’s side of town. Big and fancy.
I mean, my house is big and beautiful on a mesmerizing piece of land, but it’s modest and heartfelt, having been created from scratch at the hands of my dad.
The side of town Parker and Kellan live on? They have dog walkers and use golf carts to pick up their mail … at the end of their driveways.
“My dad’s place.” He tips his head toward the house.
I nod, crossing my arms over my chest to show him I’m settling in, that he can continue to talk and I’ll still be standing here when he’s done. He nods, understanding my move.
“My parents are getting a divorce. Been a long time coming.”
“Are you … do you live here now?” I ask him, dropping my gaze to the grass.
When he doesn’t answer, I peek at him, finding him staring at the house.
Finally, he looks back to me. “Is it weird that I want to?”
“Um …” I’m confused by his question because how would I know?
He chuckles lightly and stands, moving to the dark porch, out of my line of sight. I assume he’s leaving me standing here, that maybe I asked the wrong question, but when I push off Liv’s car, ready to leave, he emerges with a second chair. Setting it beside the other, he drops back down and looks up at me.
He doesn’t say anything, but the shadow of the moon is hitting his face just right, showing me the hope that someone will stop and listen, that I’ll listen, and the fear that he read me wrong moments ago.
For some reason, I want to hear what’s on his mind. It’s like I’m being pulled to him, and the sudden weight on my chest will only lift with his spirits, so I move to sit in the seat he’s placed right beside him.
“Tell me, Mr. Safety,” I mention his position on the football team in attempt to ease him and I’m rewarded with the slight tip of his lips. “Why would it be weird for you to want to live here?” I ask him, turning my head to once again take in the simple home.
It’s a basic tract home, looks exactly the way the house two doors down does, but it’s got a nice paint job, and the yard is well kept. There are even some plants in big pots lining the walkway.
With a broken grin, he takes in all the things I did, his head nodding as he looks back to me. He stares for a moment, and I let him, allowing him to look for whatever it is he feels he needs to find in order to share his worries with me.
“My dad’s never around. He’ll be gone for days, sometimes weeks, at a time, only to come home for a night or two before he’s”—he sighs—“gone again.”
There’s a crease in his blond brows and small wrinkles beside his eyes that tell me this is not only a disappointing fact, but it’s also painful. This hurts him.
“It hasn’t always been this way,” I guess.
He shakes his head, turning to look the other way. “It started about three years ago.” He licks his lips and then looks back to me. “He used to go to every game of mine in peewee football, every practice even, until one day, he just … stopped. Just like that.”
I shift in my chair, tucking my legs half beneath me as I place my elbow on the armrest and lean closer. “You never asked him why?”
He gives a botched grin. “Is there an answer that would make it okay?”
My gaze travels over his gentle features before returning to those soft blue eyes. “No, Parker, there isn’t.”
He gives a barely there nod.
“Yet you still want his home to be yours.” I glance to the house again in thought. “That means … there’s an even bigger reason you’d rather live here with a man who’s made you feel as if you were less worthy than in the home you were raised in with your mom.”
Eyes open and intense, his stare digs deeper than the surface, searching for something I can’t name, but feeling the depth of his reach. When a deep exhale leaves him, my attention is drawn to his mouth.
I take a sharp breath, watching, staring, as he licks his full lips in what seems like slow motion.
“Kens,” he whispers.
My eyes reluctantly return to his. “Sorry,” I whisper, feeling a blush that—thank God—he can’t see in the dark. “Tell me why you don’t want to stay with your mom.”
He goes to open that distracting mouth of his again but stops when his eyes travel over my shoulder. My gaze follows his, and I tense when I see Kellan walking this way, a giggling, drunk Liv under his arm. He laughs, as equally drunk as she is, and moves the arm from her shoulders to her waist right as his eyes lift, finding mine in the dark.
He freezes for half a second, and then his gaze cuts from me to the boy beside me and back, narrowing. Making quick work of it, he deposits a confused Liv against a random car parked in front of hers on the curb. She follows his line of sight, and her eyes shoot wide before she laughs, shaking her head.
“Ken … baby.” Kellan walks closer, so I stand from my seat. “What are you doing over here? I thought you left for Liv’s house a while ago.”
“I ran into Parker on my way out and stopped to chat a bit.” I glance around him, seeing Liv now on her phone.
His jaw twitches slightly as he turns to Parker. “Well, since you’re still here and Liv’s parents are gone for the night”—Kellan steps in front of me, his arm wrapping possessively around my waist—“I’m gonna come spend all night with you,” he whispers, his voice purposefully loud enough for Parker to hear.
His insinuation is obvious, and my ears burn instantly.
Too embarrassed to speak and make it clear that he only means we’ll likely sleep in the same bed, I give him a tight grin, allowing him to pull me toward Liv’s car.
With a quick glance back, I find Parker watching me.
I want to apologize for leaving so suddenly. I want him to understand that I heard his pain. I need to let him know I want to hear the story I think he needs to tell. I want to learn everything there is to know.
I want to stay.
But I do none of those things.
Instead, I walk around to the driver’s side and slide behind the wheel, wondering at what point I became Kens to the near stranger I just left behind.
And, even more, why I liked the sound of it.
I blink away the memory, quickly wiping the tears that have slipped down my cheeks.
God, I remember every second.
I fell for the blond-haired, blue-eyed boy next door that night, but I was too stupid to know it.
When the sliding glass door opens, Lolli and I look that way to find Kenra hesitantly making her way toward us.
“Hey, you feelin’ any better?”
She tucks her hair behind her ear with a tight smile, moving to sit on the opposite side of the table. “A little.”
“Shouldn’t we wake up Payton?” Lolli asks, pushing the plates of food toward Kenra. “I mean, she has a person in her. It probably needs to eat, right?”
While my head snaps back, my face scrunching in horror, Kenra fights a grin.
“What?” Lolli shrugs.
“Not sure I’m ready to hear all that.”
She waves me off and then flips me off. “Get over it. She got dicked, dick delivered its dick spit, and now, little dicky deserves dinner.”
When I gape at her, she glances at Kenra with a grin, and we all start laughing.
I wipe my hands on the towel and then take a seat beside Lolli.
“I wonder …” She picks up a hot link and flops it in front of me, making me choke on my water.
My hand shoots out to slap over her mouth, and she bounces with laughter against it.
“No more talking about my little sister getting … just no.”
Lolli winks, so I drop my hand and bump her with my shoulder.
“But, really though, should we wake her? I haven’t even met her, which is bullshit.”
“She’s not very friendly, Lolli Bear. And you know why you haven’t met her.”
My mom kept her locked away with every excuse as to why she couldn’t be near me. Who the hell knows what she told Payton to get her to stop trying to reach out?
Lolli nods. “So, leave her be?”
“Yep. The drama queen will stir some shit soon enough. Let’s prolong it.”
Lolli laughs and dips her hot link in the mustard on my plate.
When I glance at Kenra, I find a slight crease on her forehead as she considers Lolli. Instantly, she senses my attention, and her gaze flicks to mine.
I see the questions there. She wants to understand my relationship with Lolli, but she can’t figure it out.
And she doesn’t need to.
It’s our friendship, and we’ve made sure everyone around us understands that.
We settle into eating, and I can’t help but notice how Kenra keeps glancing from the water to the trees on the other side of us.
She likes what she sees.
Her deep, cleansing breaths and long, slow blinks tell me so.
“’Kay, well, since it hasn’t been mentioned yet, I’ll ask,” Lolli announces and then leans her forearms against the wooden tabletop. “Are you gonna call your brother and let him know you’re here?”
Kenra sits taller. “My being here doesn’t concern him. He has no reason to know.”
Defenseless Hearts Page 3