Defenseless Hearts

by Meagan Brandy

  Ah, shit.

  Lolli’s lips pinch to the side, and she nods slowly. “Right. I guess I can understand why you’d take my asking as me getting into your business or trying to stir some shit ’cause that’s what girls do, right? My bad.”

  She stands to leave, but I keep my eyes on Kenra.

  She’s not getting where Lolli’s going with this, and that’s a damn shame.

  Lolli doesn’t say anything else. She’s learned when to rein it in for the most part—that, and she’s not sure where the line is when it comes to hurting me by tearing into Kenra. I’m not sure where that line is either, to be honest.

  When I stand and start cleaning up, Kenra’s fork hits her plate with a loud clink.

  “So, she storms off, and all of a sudden, you’re done, too? You sure you—”

  “Stop,” I tell her, not in a shout, but stern enough for her to know I’m serious.

  “Stop what?”

  I gape at her, trying to hold myself back but fail. I lean over the table, invading her space a bit. “Don’t come into my home and start unnecessary problems because you’re jealous.”

  She gasps. To an outsider, it would come across as a how dare you gasp when really it’s a you can’t say it out loud, but you did gasp.

  “Don’t deny it. I can see it, Kenra, and it’s misplaced. I’m gonna go inside, but let me tell you the way Lolli’s mind works, and you can decide if you should feel like crap or not.” I push off the table and stand tall again. “Nate hasn’t seen you since your engagement party in November. You didn’t even show for graduation. If he finds out you were here, a couple of hours away, and you didn’t care to try to see him, he’d beat himself up, wondering why that was. He doesn’t know what you’re going through since you don’t share anything real with your family. Hell, I don’t even know what you’re going through.”

  “That’s not fair,” she whispers.

  “But it’s true.” I shrug a shoulder. “Look, you have a brother close by, who misses you, and his girl is inside this house right now, driving herself crazy because she knows the hurt it’ll cause him when he finds out. Hurt that she’ll then feel because she loves him.”

  She stares at me, lost for words.

  I sigh, speaking softer this time around, “She’s good, Kenra. You know that. You met her and instantly loved her for him. Don’t let mine and your problems get in the way of that.”

  Teary eyes search mine. “We don’t have problems,” she whispers.

  My chest constricts. “You’re not mine, Kens,” I gently tell her, pain I didn’t mean to show clear as day. “And that’s a problem for me.”

  Two hours pass before I’ve finished up my studying for the night. Closing the book, I toss my notes on top of it and make my way down the hall, pushing Lolli’s already cracked door the rest of the way open.

  “Sorry,” she whispers from under her pillow, making me smile.

  “Not your fault.” I shuffle in and drop next to her on her bed.

  “Payton ever come out?”

  “Nah. I think she’s still knocked out.”

  “Kenra go to bed, too?”

  “She walked that way, so I’m thinking, yeah.”

  “She’s different than I remember. Off somehow.”

  I squint at the ceiling. “Yeah, she is.”

  “You got any thoughts on that?”

  I nod into the pillow even though she can’t see me. “She’s not happy, Lolli Bear. Kellan’s a dick. I think she’s … breaking slowly. And I think it’s killing her inside.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Her eyes tell me so.”

  We grow quiet for a few minutes, both lost in thought.

  “I’m calling Nate in the morning.”

  At that, Lolli throws the pillow off her head, a mess of dark hair and blue eyes meeting mine. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I stare at her. “She needs it, needs her family. She hasn’t been home in eight months. Maybe, if she spends a couple of days here, around you and Nate … me, she’ll feel more like herself again. At least for a while.”

  “And then … what? She leaves again, goes MIA for who knows how long, and turns icy?”

  “Icy?”

  “All the cool kids are saying it.”

  A chuckle leaves me, and I push up to sit on the edge of the bed, dragging my hands down my face. “I’m hoping she’ll remember how it felt to be a part of a real family. Maybe, if anything, she’ll at least call you guys more.”

  “Pretty sure she has no desire to anything me.”

  I shift to face her. “This isn’t her, Lolli. She’s lost. She needs someone like you.”

  She slightly shakes her head. “And if it’s you she needs?”

  “I’m there as much as she allows.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “You deserve better.”

  “So does she.”

  “Parker Baylor”—Lolli gives a small, proud smile, pulling her blanket to her chin as I stand—“always the hero.”

  I grin and turn off her light. “Night, Lolli Bear.”

  After peeking in on Payton, finding her snoring softly, curled up in a fluffy ball of cotton, I check in on Kenra.

  I didn’t think she’d be asleep yet—she was always a night owl, my nightingale—but she is. Lying across the blankets with her hands tucked under her cheek, she looks every bit a pristine fairy-tale princess. Exactly like Kellan wants her. Prim and proper, perfectly groomed.

  Is this who she’s become?

  The girl who gets stared at but stares through everyone.

  That world was never for her.

  She comes from two amazing parents whose love runs deeper than coal. A family who loves her with everything they have and raised her to be strong and independent and free.

  That’s the only reason they didn’t fight her on moving away to a bigger city and playing trophy to Kellan and his political followers. They think it’s what she wants, and maybe, at one point, she did. I honestly don’t know for sure. But I can see the wear it’s taken on her.

  She’s pale and her eyes are empty. She’s unfulfilled and unsure of what to do about it.

  And to make matters worse … Kellan is an asshole. So, it’s not like she’s there, unhappy with her surroundings but treated like a queen at home.

  She is treated like a queen but by the fake people around her. And that’s only because they’re afraid of their king, so again, none of it’s real or right.

  She belongs under the sun with flip-flops and a smile.

  She belongs here. With me.

  Grabbing the blanket off the chair in the corner, I lightly drape it over her, watching her eyes flutter behind closed lids.

  Right before I exit the room, she stirs, and I’d swear, I heard her whisper my name, but I don’t look back to see if she’s awake because the thought of her dreaming of me hurts too much to bear.

  When I come around the corner, I can’t help but laugh. “Really, Peep, ice cream at six a.m.?”

  She shrugs and brings another bite to her mouth. “I’m drowning in my sorrows. This is what they do in the movies, so figured it should work.”

  I pull a water bottle from the fridge and then look back to her. “I don’t think your kind of dilemma can be fixed with mint chip.”

  “Worth a shot.” She pops a shoulder.

  “What are you doing up so early anyway?”

  She rolls her eyes and glances out the window at the beach. “This is nothing. Mom makes me wake up at four thirty every morning to work out before getting ready.”

  I study her when she says this, and her face scrunches slightly, her lips pinching together.

  “How long has she been doin’ that?”

  Payton swings her eyes back to mine. “Since the day you moved in with Dad.”

  “You were thirteen.”

  “And eleven pounds overweight, according to her.”

  “W
hat’s going on, Payton? Last I knew, you and Mom were thick as thieves, and I couldn’t get past it to get to you. What happened?”

  Payton laughs humorously and hops off the kitchen island. She smacks the lid on the ice cream and roughly places it in the freezer. “You want me to sit here and recap three years of my life that you weren’t a part of? Hard pass, Parker.”

  She storms out the back door, and I follow, quietly closing it behind me. “Come on, Peep. We have a lot to work through on our own, but we have to put that aside and focus on what’s happening right now. You’re having a baby.”

  “I know!” she shouts, spinning to face me. “I. Know. I’m having a baby. I’m a freaking reality TV show, Parker!” She starts pacing, throwing her hands out as she talks. “I’ll be a laughing joke at school. I’ll probably get kicked out. I can kiss art school good-bye!” She drops, so her knees are bent, her ass practically scraping the ground. “Oh God. My showing will be canceled. No way will they want a sixteen,—seventeen by then—big, fat, pregnant girl representing their program.” She takes a shuddering breath.

  “Hey, hey … calm down. Hang on.” I drop to her level and bring her up by her shoulders, walking us over to the patio sofa. “Come on, sit.”

  “I ruined everything. I’m such an idiot.”

  “Payton, stop. I know your mind is racing right now, but first, we have to figure out what we have to do. Like doctors and what to do about Mom. And I need to know if that guy will be calling to look for you. And, eventually, I wanna hear about this art-school stuff ’cause last I heard, you wanted to be Miss America when you grew up.”

  Despite how she’s feeling, that earns me a light laugh, and she peeks at me before looking away. “A lot has changed, Parker.”

  “Yeah.” I sit back, and she allows me to pull her with me. “I guess it has.”

  “That her?”

  I look were she’s pointing to find Lolli running along the beach, headed home. “Yep.”

  “She runs … for fun?”

  I laugh. “Among other things, yeah. It’s peaceful for her; she enjoys the physical part of it, but it’s also a necessity.”

  “What do you mean?” Payton asks, watching Lolli as she grows closer.

  “Lolli isn’t what first impressions will tell you. But she’ll only show you if she feels it.”

  “So, she runs to escape?”

  “To escape. To understand. To believe.” I look at Payton and find a small smile on her lips.

  “I can get that.”

  I’m about to ask her how, but Lolli hits the bottom step and slowly jogs up. “Hey. It’s fuckin’ hot already.”

  “It is no kind of hot. It’s six thirty in the morning on the beach in Oceanside.”

  She pops her hip out as she screws off the lid to her water. “You run your ass six miles, and then your opinion will count.”

  I grin at her, and she smiles back, her eyes cutting to Payton.

  After taking a drink, Lolli steps closer to her. “Hey. I’m Lolli. I’d shake your hand, but I feel like you won’t appreciate the sweat and sand.”

  “Not so much, no.” Payton crosses her arms over her chest.

  “You hate me?”

  Payton’s eyes dart to mine before going back to Lolli. “Nooo. I don’t even know you.”

  “But your brother came here because I asked him—among other personal reasons. I imagine that felt like the knife in the gut and created instant hate for me. I just want you to know that, if you feel that now, it’s okay; I get it. But you won’t forever. Promise.”

  Payton looks at Lolli like she’s an alien.

  “Lolli likes to keep things out in the open, clear the air with honesty. It’s a problem sometimes.” I laugh, and Lolli shrugs.

  “So, you just blurt out what you think or feel and expect others to be okay with it?” Payton sasses, head shaking and all.

  Lolli laughs lightly and looks past us. “No. I just want to make sure people know where I stand, is all.” When she looks back to Payton, Lolli’s blue eyes are warm, and she smiles softly. “I am happy you’re here, Payton.”

  Payton nods, uneasy.

  “All right. I’m gonna take a shower and then make some breakfast for us.” She heads to the door but stops and turns back, once again smiling at Payton. “Congratulations, by the way.”

  Payton freezes, and Lolli disappears through the door.

  “I … didn’t think she knew.”

  “I might have told her yesterday.”

  Payton shakes her head. “It’s fine. I just … it didn’t feel like she was judging me.”

  “She doesn’t see or feel things like we would in certain situations.”

  “Why?”

  “She lost her family the night before her seventeenth birthday. She was at the hospital with her grandpa, and the nurse came in to say her parents had an accident. Right after, her grandpa passed and Lolli shut herself down. Until Nate. He’s managed to get to her.”

  “But you couldn’t?”

  I lick my lips and look off. “I did. Just in a different way.”

  “But you hoped for more?”

  “Everything is how it’s supposed to be, as far as Lolli is concerned.”

  Payton grabs my arm and drags me to the door. “That’s not what I asked, but I get it.”

  I smile at her. “I love you, Payton.”

  “I’m mad at you, Parker, but I love you, too.”

  She says she’s mad, but I have an inkling she understands why I left our mom’s and moved in with our dad. It’ll be a long road for us to get back to the tight relationship we had as little kids, but I have no doubt we can.

  I toss my arm over her shoulders. “Come on, little sis. Lolli makes some mean French toast.”

  With a deep breath, I smooth my shirt out, making sure there are no wrinkles, and force myself to take a look into the mirror. Silky, straight brown hair and my plain face with nude shadows and lipstick, both tones that Kellan picked out for me. He says it’s classy and understated in a professional way.

  I came home with a rose-colored lipstick one day, a free gift I didn’t want or ask for, but the lady at Sephora gave it to me anyway for my birthday, and he accused me of trying to gain attention. He said I’d look like a cheap gold digger, and that wasn’t the impression he wanted me to put off. So, he rolled it all the way up and broke the stick. I wondered if he thought I’d dig it out of the trash had he simply thrown it away, but I didn’t ask. It would have done nothing but cause an argument.

  Avoiding my own eyes, I look myself over again, and once I confirm not a hair is out of place, I exit the room and head for the loud chatter in the kitchen.

  I expect them all to grow quiet as I come around the corner. For Lolli to scowl at me and Parker to look away, but that doesn’t happen.

  In fact, Lolli continues laughing as she turns and gives me a quick, “Hey,” before returning to her food. Parker winks at me, pushing the chair at the end of the table out with his foot for me to join them. Even Payton is smiling as she takes a bite.

  “I wasn’t sure if you liked sweet shit for breakfast, so I started to make some omelets, but then Parker said you and most vegetables weren’t friends, so I scratched that. Anyway, there’s a bunch of random crap, but it kinda works.” Lolli nods, dipping her eggs in a pile of syrup.

  “Thank you, Lolli. I’m sure it’s great.” I manage to speak without my voice cracking as conflicting emotions begin to take over. I’ve done nothing to deserve their kindness.

  Lolli licks the syrup and starts on another bite when the door flies open, and voices flow through the house.

  My forehead creases along with theirs because I wasn’t expecting multiple people.

  “What the fuck—” Lolli starts but squeals when Nate comes around the corner.

  Pressure builds on my chest while I watch him ignore everyone around us as he makes his way to her, and her eyes track him just the same. She shifts to stand right as he bends to scoop her up, sq
ueezing her tight against him. She laughs into his neck as he laughs into her hair before she pulls back and looks to him. It’s only for a second, hardly a glance, but I feel the I love you that neither has spoken but both communicate in that moment.

  I glance away when he kisses her, my eyes landing on Parker, finding lines framing his eyes as he pulls his eyes from the couple as well.

  I try to study his facial features, but when he looks at me and gives a small smile, I can’t decipher where the sadness came from.

  Is it because Nate is here?

  Because Nate’s kissing Lolli, and Parker wants to be the one?

  Or could he possibly, maybe, be wondering what it would be like to have that feeling for himself?

  I stare at him, and he stares back, his head slowly tilting as he attempts to study me, as I did him. Right then, I’m pulled from my chair and spun around.

  When Nate drops me to my feet, I smile up at him with watery eyes.

  “Aw, Ken.” He chuckles, slightly rocking me. “Don’t cry. I know you missed me, but damn.” He grins when I smack his back.

  But he’s right. I did miss him. So damn much.

  “So, you’re not mad, Kenra?” Lolli asks and turn to her.

  “Mad?”

  “Well, yeah. I mean, yesterday—”

  “Uh,” Parker cuts her off, and my eyes fly to him in suspicion, “you didn’t tell us you called Nate.”

  My brows knit at the center and then it clicks. He was going to call Nate on his own even though, last night, I never said I wanted to see him.

  I should be upset, but I’m not. Especially when those blue eyes tell me they’re proud.

  A sliver of light finds its way inside me.

  I glance at Lolli, and she too gives a small, almost unnoticeable nod, having picked up on Parker’s diversion.

  I thought long and hard about what he said to me, about how Lolli knew how Nate would feel, and I was disgusted in myself even more. I should know and understand my own brother, who has been a part of me all his life better than the girl in his, right?

  Truth is, I was afraid to call, afraid to see him. He’s my baby brother and the last person I’d ever want to let down. I worried he’d see a different person when he looked at me, like he’d see through the mask I’ve painted on. But seeing him now, I’m glad I did. I’ve missed him.