She falls; I fall.
Might as well fall into each other.
“I’m leaving at five a.m.” My words are a rushed whisper but strong. “I’ll wait outside, in my truck, until five ten exactly. For you.”
Her eyes flit between mine and I see the shock, understand the confusion.
“Come to me, Kens,” I whisper, compelling my hands to stay at my sides, demanding my feet to walk backward, and then forcing myself to turn around and head back for the house.
I don’t look back. I can’t.
Defense. That’s what Lolli called it.
But that’s the problem, isn’t it?
Because, when it comes to Kenra Monroe, I’ve always been defenseless.
Seven Months Ago
Buttoning my shirt, I smooth it down and reach for my tie right as there’s a light tap on the door.
I glance over my shoulder at my dad, who gives a tight smile and makes his way in the room.
“Mind if I help you with that?”
I hesitate for a moment before turning and handing it over.
He places it over my neck and starts to tie it. “You got a date for tonight?”
“I did, yeah, but she and her family ended up heading out of town early for vacation, so she had to cancel last minute. I don’t mind though. We were only going together to get her ex to back off.”
“Well, that was nice of you. I thought maybe you’d ask Lolli’s friend to go with you?”
“Who?”
“The little redheaded one I see often. She can’t seem to keep her eyes off of ya.” He taps the tie and steps back, nodding in approval.
I chuckle and reach for my jacket. “Mia? Nah, we’re just friends, and she’s dating Austin.”
“I don’t know …” he teases.
“Trust me, nothing would ever happen there.”
He stares a moment before nodding slowly. “Because of Lolli, right?”
I clear my throat and turn around.
It’s true—partially. I could never be with Mia when my feelings for Lolli are still sometimes confusing. That, and I’ve never thought of Mia in that light. Not once, but I know I’d never even consider it now, them being cousins and all.
“I didn’t mean to pry.”
I turn back and offer him a grin. “It’s all good. But that’s a no on Mia. She’s a good friend, but that’s all.”
“You know,” he starts, glancing away, “those last few years at your mom’s, I was worried about you. And then, when you left the life you knew, had to leave Payton, I was afraid you’d never … I don’t know … be truly okay, I guess. You’d lost your spirit a while before that, and I thought I’d never see you enjoying your teenage years like I’d hoped you would.”
“Dad—”
He cuts me off by lifting a hand. “You’ve had it tough, Parker. From a mother who tried to use you for her own personal gain, tried to force you to be what she wanted, and never stopped to show you what a mother was supposed to be … to a dad who disappeared when he got scared that he’d failed you.”
I watch my father’s eyes grow watery.
“I didn’t want people to treat you differently or bully you, accusing you of things you probably didn’t even understand because your dad was gay. I let your mother’s threats and fake worries decide what type of father I was, and I lost our relationship because of it. Lost my daughter completely because of it.” He takes a minute to clear his throat and gather himself. Then, he continues, “Anyway, what I was trying to get at is, after all this bad and ugly and people walking away, I have to say, I’ve never been more grateful for anything as I am for Lolli showing up when she did. She’s good for you, Parker. She’s put that light back in your eyes. When I look at you now, I see hope.”
Pressure builds against my chest, and I look away. “Dad, Lolli and I aren’t … we’re not …”
“I know. But just because she’s not in love with you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. You know that, right?”
I nod. I do know that. And I love her just the same. I can’t help but think she and I would be good together, but the fact of the matter is, at the end of the night, when I climb in bed and close my eyes, it’s soft brown eyes that stare back at me, mocking me. Reminding me of all the things I want but can’t have.
I look back to my dad. “I’d better get going.”
“Parker, there’s something you should know. Your mom showed up here one day last year just after you’d gone up to bed. I didn’t let her in.”
I eye him, suddenly uneasy. “Okay …”
“She got upset, like always, and said she’d make sure none of us could have what we wanted if she couldn’t. I know I’ve learned of some things she’s done over the last few years to me, and, son, I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t put it past her to pull something on you either.”
“What are you trying to say exactly?”
“I just … I wonder if she’s had a hand in anything that maybe didn’t work out for you since you’ve left. And I worry she might try to pull something now that you’re getting close to graduating. She doesn’t want to see us succeed if it’s not at her hands.”
My chest grows heavy at his words because it’s true. She’s my mother. She birthed me, but she has never been a mom. All she wanted was to have a child she could brag about. She had to have the smartest, most athletic, best-looking kid at the country club. If she didn’t, if you weren’t what she expected, you were worthless.
I got tired of being her Ken doll. She pumped me full of Adderall to help me “focus” and chose all my sports and activities. Dressed me the way she saw fit. Forced me to dinners with possible “matches” and drove off all the girls I actually enjoyed talking and hanging with because feelings wasn’t the “objective” and would complicate the “purpose.” She was crazy.
So, when my dad finally found the courage to divorce her, to search for his own happiness, I begged him to take me with him. He agreed instantly, and we tried to get Payton. But my mom fought us to the core. She dug up any and every skeleton of mine and my father’s she could. There weren’t many, but in the end, Payton was to stay with my mom and me with my dad. It was hard to leave her there and even harder when my mom found a way to make her cut all ties with us. She was so innocent in all of it. She had no idea none of us were unhappy because, surprisingly, since my mom had been running my life, she’d left Payton’s alone.
As soon as we moved, she pulled Payton from Alrick Junior High. She was an eighth grader at that time, so that couldn’t have been easy.
With a sigh, I drop onto my bed, scrubbing my hands down my face. I look to my dad, deciding to share my decision with him. “I’m leaving after graduation.”
He inhales deeply, sadness crossing his face, but he gives a small smile. “I always knew you would. You never wanted to be here. But that’s what I mean when I talk about your mom. She’s gonna fight us somehow. She’s still executer of your college fund—”
“I don’t need it.”
His forehead creases in confusion, and he moves to take a seat in my desk chair across from me. “What do you mean? Do you have a scholarship?”
I shake my head, unable to hold the smile in. “Dad, Lolli, she owns half of the San Diego Tomahawks. Embers Elite, the number one sports photography company, the one that covers all the games?” My eyes widen in excitement. “That’s hers, too.”
Still not quite understanding, he lightly shakes his head.
“When her family died, everything was left to her. Well, after graduation, she’s going back to California, and she asked me to come with her. Said she has a place for us there. Dad, she wants me to take over for her CEO when I’m done with school. They’re gonna put me through college, help me stay on track, and I’ll intern and shadow the entire time, all starting this summer.”
“Holy shit,” he whispers, crossing his arms. “Really? And it’s all legitimate?”
“I don’t have every detail yet, but yeah, Dad, it’s
real.” My eyes shift between his. “This is it, my out. Finally. I don’t have to play Mom’s games anymore. Lolli’s offering me a whole new life. I haven’t told her yet, but I’m gonna take it.”
He nods, glancing away as he clears his throat. A low chuckle leaves him as he looks back and stands with his arms out.
A weight is lifted off my shoulders in that moment, and I wrap him in a hug.
“This … this is great news, bud. Great news.”
I smile and step back, making him chuckle when I smooth my tie and jacket back down.
“I, uh, I’d better get going.”
He nods, his eyes glossy. “You know I’m happy you’ve been here, right? I know we never saw much of each other, but knowing I shared a home with you meant a lot to me. I wish things could have been different, and I’m sorry for that, but, Parker … I’m so proud of who you are despite what we gave you.”
“It wasn’t all bad, Dad. And being here with you was a hundred times better than being there with her.”
He smiles. “Go. Have a good time tonight.”
With a nod, I walk out and make my way toward my truck. But the second I put the key in, my shoulders slump, and I drop against it.
That was a loaded conversation, one I wasn’t prepared to have just yet, if ever.
Maybe I shouldn’t, but I feel for my dad. He was a good man, a great dad, for most of my life. He was always around. He taught me how to play football and was at every game and practice when I was little. Then, one day, he wasn’t. It hurt, but he never necessarily did me wrong.
He had demons he battled on the inside, much like most of us, that eventually made their way to the surface.
The saddest part is, he felt he had to hide who he was for so long. Somewhere along the way, my mother made him think he was dirty. That he was somehow bad for it, that he’d “ruin” me if I saw or knew he was no longer in love with my mother but was now in love with a man. A good mother would want to show her children that being true to themselves was the most important thing, that we should all strive to be the best versions of ourselves and love strong and live happy.
I hate her and everything she did to our family.
My mother was raised in a basic home with blue-collar parents. They were getting by, at best. When she met my dad, she got a taste of what money felt like. He wanted no part of the high-society life his family led. All money and greed. All he wanted was a happy family in a quiet town, someone to love.
And he thought he’d found it with her. But after everything, her taking him to the cleaners in the divorce—not that he fought her for any of it—and the hate she’d spewed over the years, I wonder if she ever loved him at all. If she ever even loved me.
With a weak laugh, I pull my door open, unbutton and pull off my suit jacket, then toss it on the seat. I grab my gym bag with my overnight things and close and lock my door.
Fishing the bottle I bought for tonight out, I start sipping on it and make my way to the hotel where the after-party will be. It’s a solid three miles away, but I could use the fresh air. I don’t need to be at the dance tonight.
It’s Lolli’s first one, and even though she seems not to care, I know she’s excited, and I don’t wanna bring her down.
I only make it a few blocks up the road, still on my street, before stopping to sit on a bus bench.
Stuffing what’s left of the Jack in my bag, I scrub my hands down my face, wishing the empty place in my chest would hurry up and fill with the numbing juice I’ve fed it.
Then, as if the night hadn’t already done me in, a voice soft as silk wraps around my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“Hi.”
My pulse instantly strums in my ears, my body tingling all over as I feel her grow near, and I slowly lift my head. Every bit of air escapes me, leaving my lungs starved, the moment my eyes land on Kenra. I shift to stand.
Her hair is longer now and lays in curls down her back. There are more copper pieces shining through it than before. The long black dress she’s wearing almost brushes the floor as she steps toward me, a white sweater dressed over her arms.
When she reaches me, her shaky hand lifts to my cheek where she slowly glides the tips of her fingers across my jaw. Her eyes follow her hand, those lips twitching when my body jolts from the feeling.
Her brown gaze lifts, connecting with mine. “You’re taller,” she breathes.
An airy chuckle leaves me, and I grab ahold of her hand, slowly bringing it to my lips to kiss her palm. Then, I drop our joined hands to hang between us. “You’re here.”
Her eyes flit between mine, and she nods. “I was headed for your house, but I saw you sitting here …”
My heart starts beating out of control as she steps closer to me. “Why are you here, Kens?”
“To dance,” she whispers, bringing our hands to cover her heart.
“You came here to dance?”
“I came here to dance with you.” Her eyes fall to my lips.
The alcohol is starting to take over, convincing me I’m not close enough—nothing is ever enough when it comes to Kenra—so I step in even more. The tips of my fingers run across the satin-like material, keeping me from feeling what I’ve always imagined to be the softest of skins.
Her sharp inhale isn’t missed. Neither is the way her lashes sweep with her slow blink.
“Why do you wanna dance with me?” I speak low, and she licks her lips. “Hmm?”
“Because, last time, I never got the chance.”
We’re standing on an empty corner in front of some stranger’s house. We have no music and no dance floor. But none of that matters.
If she wants to dance, we’ll dance.
My hand slides around her too-thin frame, and I gently push on her back, bringing her chest against mine. Right against me.
And, just like that, my heartbeat blends into hers. Every breath she forces past her lips, I inhale. Every tremble from her body ripples through mine. Every crease that starts to form at the edges of her eyes, the pinch that takes over her forehead, I feel the pain that created them. Our slow and subtle sway feels like the end of something that hasn’t even begun.
I sense it. Her final good-bye. That’s why she’s here.
With a shuddered breath, I tighten my hold, burying my head in her neck as she begins to cry into mine. This is it. She’s marrying Kellan.
She chose him for real. Over me.
All I ever wanted was to hold her, to love her, but I knew what would happen if I tried. I’d give her all I had, and she’d carry it with her on the way back to him.
I know she loves me; her eyes tell the truth her voice refuses to share.
We were only supposed to be friends, but somewhere along the way, I forgot to remember she wasn’t mine to keep and gave her my heart anyway.
The alcohol has officially taken control, which means it’s time to go.
I can’t look at her. No way I can watch the tears roll from her eyes right now.
So, without another word, without another glance, I pull my body from hers, fighting for oxygen as she whimpers in front of me. I keep my head down as she walks away, listening for her car door to open and close before I turn and head in the opposite direction.
And, once again, my heart drives away, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it.
I’m in no shape to see my friends, but heading home sounds like a shit idea just the same, so I continue toward the hotel, finding only a handful of my classmates here. I quietly find my room and change into more comfortable clothes, and then I sit and get trashed by myself.
A few hours of staring at the wall, thinking about nothing, must go by because the hallways are buzzing, drunken shrieks and laughter now easily heard.
I pull my heavy body from the bed and splash some water on my face before stumbling out of my room. I nod at my classmates as they say hi in passing, turning them down when I’m offered a drink. I continue down and around the hall, glancing into each op
en room piled high with dance-goers, and before I know it and before I can stop it, my hand comes down on the closed door of room fifty-four.
It only takes Lolli a moment to answer, and when she does, it’s clear I wasn’t who she was expecting.
Her grin turns flat, and a frown takes over her beautiful face.
She grips my wrist and pulls me into the room. I stumble at the edge of the bed but manage to plant my ass on the mattress.
“What’s going on, Hero?” she asks, rubbing my hand.
My chin hits my chest. “I don’t know, Lolli Bear.”
“You didn’t come to the dance.”
I shake my head.
“Is it Ashley?” She asks about the girl I was supposed to bring tonight, trying to understand. “You upset you didn’t get to take her to the dance or something?”
A bitter laugh leaves me before I can stop it, and I throw myself back, squeezing my eyes shut. “No, it’s not Ashley. I was only taking her to help her out.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, and I feel her shift beside me.
“She’s in love with an asshole, and apparently, that asshole asked her to come to the dance, but she knew it was a bad idea to go with him, so she told him she had a date. I just so happened to be the first guy to walk by after the fact.” I chuckle.
“Aw,” she teases. “You really are a hero.” She laughs, briefly dropping her forehead onto my chest.
“Why do you call me that? Hero?”
“You don’t like it?”
A smile pulls at my lips, eyes still closed. “I like it, just wondering.”
She hesitates a moment, and I know she’s considering what she wants to share. She tries not to give a whole lot of herself when it comes to deep shit. But she’s my best friend, so I know she’ll give me something. I need something right now, and I know she can sense it.
“Because you remind me of my OG, Hero,” she jokes, doing her best to take the seriousness away.
I laugh lightly, my eye roaming her face, waiting for more.
She smiles slightly. “When I first saw you, your eyes instantly stood out, such a clear, light blue. It was more than just the color. It was the kindness behind them, the soft air around you. I knew you were a happy-go-lucky, all-around good guy. You gave me this familiar feeling of comfort I had lost.”
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