“And the sweaters?”
She smiles sadly at the ocean. “We all have demons, Parker. Some of us just wear them on our sleeves.”
My face crumbles, and I step toward her. “Kens …”
She slides her eyes to me, not moving as I grow closer.
I pull her in, hugging her small frame to me, and she cries into my shirt, her body shaking lightly as she does. After a few minutes, I lower us into the sand, her cocooned in my lap.
Hesitantly, I lift one of her hands into my palm. She doesn’t stop me like I thought she would, so I run my fingers along her knuckles, slowly coaxing fingers open.
The blood has dried against the cuts from her nails, but with the slightest pressure, it would start to run again.
I run my fingertips along her marred skin. When I reach the edge of her sleeve, her muscles tense, but she doesn’t pull away, so I push the material down.
A shuddered breath leaves me as her demons stare me in the eye. I anticipated bruises to line her skin, but I wasn’t prepared for the dozens of markings starting a half an inch down her wrist and continuing a few inches down from there.
Each line is precise, all the exact same length and angle. The only difference is a few are a faded pink, having not been opened as recent as the angry deep red cuts.
“Kenra …” I trail off when my voice cracks.
“I told you I haven’t smiled in months.” She closes her eyes and tips her chin to the sky, tears rolling over her cheeks. “I haven’t felt the sun against my skin in a year.”
“Does he know?”
“He knows, even bought me a set of real silver blades once,” she whispers. “As long as my arms stay covered, all is well in his world.”
I stare at her, so beautiful, so lost.
All this time, I’ve been worried that maybe Kellan has been putting his hands on her, having no choice but to believe her when she denied it. I had no idea she had been doing this to herself.
I take a deep breath, sitting back in my chair, when Deaton drops in the one beside me.
“Any chance he knows you’re here?”
I shake my head, taking a nervous drink from my water bottle.
“This is pretty risky, Kenra.”
“My brother is here. My cousins are here. I’m visiting.”
“He won’t buy that for a second,” he whispers.
Both of us are quiet for a few minutes as we watch Parker and Payton walk around down the beach. Payton laughs at something he said, and he smiles down at her before wrapping his arm over her shoulders.
“She’s missed him. It’s been hard for her these last few years. You know she wasn’t allowed to talk about him at home?” Deaton looks to me. “Her mom took down every picture and got rid of everything that could possibly remind Payton that she had someone else out there who cared about her. It was bad enough she’d lost her dad, but she had to pretend her brother never existed. The one person in the world who had made her feel protected and loved, and he just left her.”
“It wasn’t as simple as that, Deaton.”
He nods. “I know that now. I’ve seen what their mom is capable of. And, as bad as I want to hate him, I don’t. He did what he had to for himself. I can respect that, in a way.” He shifts in his seat, gaining my full attention. “My point here, Kenra, is he had to do something selfish to save himself. Why is it you can’t do the same?”
“There’s a lot more at risk for me.”
His eyes narrow. “Is there? Do you know Payton suffers from depression? Did you know that there were many times when she talked about giving up because the expectations her mom had set were impossible to reach? She does one thing and gets to that point of perfection that was demanded of her, only for her mom to set the bar higher and higher until Payton feels like she’s sinking. It took me a year to get her to trust me enough, for her to see that what I felt for her was real.
“I love her more than I knew a person could love someone. She might come off as bitchy and spoiled, but that’s not who she is. That’s her defense. She’s kind and warm and the best fucking person I have ever met. She’s the one who made me realize what my family was lacking. Showed me that the money and name I was proud of wasn’t worth a damn if it wasn’t real and honest. How she came from that fucked up woman, I have no idea.
“We might be young, and some might call us crazy, but I don’t care. This life, it’s ours.”
Parker and Payton stop halfway to the porch and turn to look at each other.
“That’s beautiful, Deaton, but so different.”
“It’s actually not, Kenra. You know her mom showed up at my house one day last year.”
My eyes shoot to his, and he stares.
“Said she’d disown Payton, send her to her dad’s and strip her of the life she ‘loved’ if I kept seeing her.” His eyes shift between mine. “Know the first thing I did when she left? I called Payton and told her everything.”
Tears slip from my eyes then.
“If I had to guess, I’d say she came to you with similar threats.”
I look to my lap, tears falling from my eyes. “It was the end of my junior year. He’d been with his dad a while at that point, and he couldn’t care less that he had no contact with her. She was livid. She wanted him to miss her just so she could deny him. I remember him telling me a few times the messages she sent him, just nasty things a mother should never say. Somehow, she heard that he was doing well in school and football. That he seemed happy, and she couldn’t stand the thought. Kellan and I were together, but we fought constantly, broke up every couple of days. Parker was my best friend at that time, only nobody knew it. We didn’t exactly try to keep it a secret, but we did like it to just be the two of us.
“His mom had apparently been driving by the house randomly and spotted my car a few times, so one day when I was leaving, she approached me. I instantly knew who she was; I’d seen pictures of her. When I told her we were just friends, she got in my face and called me a liar. I was a seventeen-year-old girl, and here she was, a grown adult caging me against my car. She said, if she found out that he and I were together, she’d give away his entire college fund, so he’d have no option but to stay there in Alrick and go to community college.” I look back up at Deaton. “All he ever wanted was out of there, away from everything that town reminded him of. A hateful mother, a dad who didn’t try hard enough, a sister he felt he had given up on.” My voice drops to a whisper. “A girl he couldn’t have …”
“So, you chose for him instead of letting him decide which was worth more—a future with you or one without you?”
“At that time, yes. I wasn’t gonna hold him back from his clean start. And I’d do that again. He’s happy here, excited for what comes next for the first time in a long time.”
“You have no idea, do you?”
“What?”
“Kenra, Parker didn’t ask his mom for a damn dime. It’s part of the reason she’s started to push Payton so hard lately. She’s pissed, and she can’t figure out how to step in and ruin it for him because, for once, she has no pull.”
“I don’t get it.” I sit up straighter, shifting in my seat to stare at him head-on. “What do you mean?”
“Parker is here on a full support from the Tomahawks. Lolli’s company is covering every single expense.”
All the air leaves my lungs, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
“I can’t believe you didn’t know.”
“I … I mean, how would I? I haven’t talked to him in months.”
So this is what he was getting at in San Francisco before we were interrupted. His mother had no say in his coming here because he found a way to beat her. He took his life back, took control.
My head starts pounding instantly, my body confused on how to take this news. Shock is the first thing to hit.
The very first issue that stepped in our way, Parker’s future, is no longer a barrier between us, and it’s as heartbreaking as it is relieving. My bein
g here isn’t a threat to his plans … but it is to his heart.
Because, even though his mother is out of the way, there’s still Kellan.
“What’s my brother holding over your head, Kenra?”
“You said I should be selfish, Deaton, make my own happiness even if it means someone else will hurt because of it.” I look to him, my tears now dry, my heart half-empty. “Let me ask you something; would you make the selfish choice if it took from people you loved?”
“If it gave me Payton? In a heartbeat,” he answers instantly.
I offer a sad smile and shift to stand.
I don’t say anything else, just head for the house.
He’s so full of hope and optimism. I don’t wanna be the one to show him the ugly truth.
Hope and love will always lose to money.
Anger rolls through me for reasons I can’t understand, and I charge into the room Parker set for me, slamming and locking the door once I enter. I rush to my bag, pulling out my makeup pouch and unzip my little hidden compartment.
Shiny, brand-new razor blades stare back at me, mocking me and my lack of control in my life, daring me to take the only piece I can.
Kellan makes every decision, holds every card, and stands there with a wad of cash at every turn. My future is set—two children, exactly a year apart, and a third if the first two are girls. I’ll homeschool them until the age of ten and take them to church every Sunday. Groom the girls to be wives and the boys to be leaders.
He has it all planned, down to the color of our home and the style of our cars.
This—I pull the razor from the pocket—is the only thing I can control, the only choice I get to make—how deep I cut, how much I bleed, how bad I hurt.
Quickly setting the razor beside me, I pull my sweater over my head, then pick it back up, but I accidentally look up, and I’m unable to avoid the floor-length mirror that sits in front of me.
I try to force my eyes away, but fail, and slowly, they lower to my arm, skim over the monster I’ve created, inspect the shine of the silver in my hand, and then slide back to my face. I crumble, tossing the sharp metal across the room.
I bend, crying into my hands, wishing for a different life where the weight of others’ happiness didn’t bury my own.
Kellan knew right where to get me.
I learned later how he’d figured out about my friendship with Parker. It was from Ava Baylor herself. She had gone to Kellan, and together, they’d formed a plan. Keep me from Parker and keep me with Kellan.
She took away the one thing I wanted, and he found a way to take away everyone else should I stray.
Parker can move forward in life, Nate can play football, my father can keep his business … so long as I keep sleeping with the devil.
“Should we fuck him up? I kinda wanna fuck him up.” Mason stands on his tiptoes, trying to see past the pergola that Payton is showing to Deaton. “I mean, look at the dude. He keeps touching her. I don’t like it.”
Ari and Cameron laugh at Mason, who glares at them, and then he shifts to stand on the other side of me with his arms crossed.
“She’s already pregnant, dude,” Brady reminds him.
I fight a smile when Parker turns to scowl at him, making him chuckle.
He raises his hands. “What? I’m just saying, it’s not like they can get into any more trouble.” He laughs, and the girls laugh with him.
“I don’t know. I think I’m with Mason on this one,” Chase speaks up. “He does keep moving his hands around.”
“Look, I don’t know much about their relationship, but obviously it was serious. She’s been with us for a week now trying to figure her shit out. She needs to talk to the guy,” Parker tells him then looks to me. I offer a small nod, giving him the confirmation that he was looking for.
Mason literally pouts, and then a huge smile breaks across his face. He turns and smirks at Parker, whose eyes narrow. “Yo!” Mason shouts. “Kalani, beautiful!” He suppresses a laugh when Nate freezes mid-dance with Lolli and spins to flip him off. “Come down here for a minute, would ya?”
Lolli laughs and smacks Nate’s chest, who spins for her to hop onto his back.
When he reaches us, she slides down and reaches into the ice chest. “Mason, Mason, Mason … the Kalani was a huge hint, but the beautiful? Boy, you’ve got some shit to stir, so let—” She cuts off mid-word, and Mason slaps Parker on the back, lifting his hands in the air like he’s won.
I look back to Lolli, who tilts her head, her eyes narrowing slightly. Parker sighs with a laugh and drops his chin to his chest. I follow her gaze along with the others, who have yet to catch on. She’s zeroed in on Payton and Deaton sitting on the swing. The swing that was once my mother’s but now belongs to her and Nate. It’s the center of their love story, and from what I’ve heard, she reserves the spot for her and Nate only.
I look back to Lolli, finding her rolling her bottom lip between her fingers, contemplating her next move.
Her head snaps to Nate, who winks at her. She stares for a long moment, and he stares back before she inhales deeply and looks away.
She takes off toward the ocean, and he, of course, follows.
Parker smiles after her and then looks back to his sister.
“Dude, the fuck just happened? That was supposed to be a guaranteed cockblock,” Mason whispers loudly.
Cam and Ari smile gently at him.
Parker sighs, proud, but says nothing before he heads back to the patio.
I follow him into the house, pausing in the entryway when he drops himself into a recliner.
I eye him. “Nate told me what you did for him and Lolli in the end. How you helped him get her back.”
His blue eyes lift to mine, and he waits for me to continue.
“Why would you help him, knowing what would happen when you did?”
His head jerks back at my question. “Why wouldn’t I?” he counters. “You think so little of me? Think I’d do something that, in the end, would hurt the two of them and me more than the original issue did? I’m not a stupid man, Kenra.”
“But you wish he never came to you asking for your help in finding her after she left , don’t you?”
He barks out a humorless laugh. “No, Kens. I didn’t. In fact”—his eyes narrow—“I thanked him for coming. Waited for him to come for her because I knew what it would mean for her. For both of them.”
When my expression remains blank, he shakes his head. “Happiness, Kenra. I wanted her happy. I wanted them where they belonged, where the best versions of themselves lived, which for those two is when they’re together. I don’t know why you’re holding on to this so badly. Clearly, you came in here to pick a fight. Just say what you wanna say. Ask what you wanna ask.”
I swallow, my leg bouncing. “Fine. Do you love her?”
“Not the way you’re thinking.”
“Don’t lie!” Undeserved anger surges through me. “It’s obvious you do.”
He hops to his feet and takes a step toward me, his mouth in a hard line.
“You’ve got nerve, Kenra. Real fucking nerve. All I’ve tried to do for years is get you to need me back because I’ve fucking needed you. You were the only one I had when my world fell apart. Nothing felt right if you weren’t around. Then, when you were there, it wasn’t as mine. I waited, Kenra. I held out hope that you’d one day knock and finally tell me you needed me back, but you never did.
“After two years of it, I realized I could never be enough for you, so I stopped waiting, but I couldn’t fucking let go. I was a zombie in my own skin who ran around like a fucking clown, not a care in the world when all I wanted was the girl I couldn’t have. All I thought about was how I wasn’t enough for my mother to love, not enough for my dad to be brave, not enough to save my sister for the hell I lived, and not enough for you to walk away from your asshole fiancé.”
“And then Lolli came along, and you fell in love all over again, right? Another girl you couldn’t h
ave?”
A bitter laugh leaves him, and he scrubs a hand down his face. “If you cared about me even a little bit, which I know you do, then you’d be happy Lolli showed up when she did.”
I fight the urge not to cry and fold my arms over my chest, pinching the insides of arms to keep my face straight. “And why is that?”
“Because she saved me, helped fix all the things you broke in me. She made me believe I was enough, that the things that had happened in my life were beyond my control. Bad happened to me, yes, but not because of who I was or wasn’t. Meeting her, growing close to her, might very well be the best thing that has ever happened to me. She gave me hope without trying. Because that’s who she is. I have a piece of her, just like she does me, and I’ll forever be grateful for her. And, yes, Kenra, since you wanna hear me say it so damn bad … I do love Lolli.”
My heart skids against my chest, and I fear I might fall, so I shove past him and make a run for my room.
“And, yes, Kenra, since you wanna hear me say it so damn bad … I do love Lolli.”
I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. I won’t allow her to make me feel guilty for this, but when her face crumbles and she darts past me, my shoulders fall, my chin hitting my chest in a sigh.
Right then, shoes step into my view, and my head snaps up.
Nate stares at me, his expression unreadable as he flicks his gaze down the hall and then back.
He heard me.
“Nate …” I trail off, ready to explain what he heard, but he gives a slight jerk of his head.
“Nah, man.” He swallows and clears his throat. “We’re good. Been through this already.”
I nod, my eyes shifting between his to try to gauge his true thoughts, but I can’t read him. And he’s right; we did.
He knows I love her. More than that, he knows how much I respect her and their relationship. I’d do anything for her. She’s a part of me, and she always will be. We’re family.
Kenra didn’t stay around to hear any of that though.
“Look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you and my sister—heavy shit apparently—but you guys need to figure it out and quick. She won’t stay forever, and I won’t have either of you making Kalani uncomfortable with the bullshit tension Kenra trying to create.” He eyes me. “I love my sister, but she’s not acting right. This is your home just as much as it is Kalani’s. If Kenra keeps this shit up, you’ll need to be the one to tell her to go.” He looks off before sighing and glancing back. “We can’t help her if she doesn’t wanna be helped, man. But we can’t let her come in here and fuck up the good thing we’ve all got going, sister or not.”
Defenseless Hearts Page 14