“Oh, sweetie.” Janice’s wrinkled hand touched my shoulders.
My body wanted to flinch, but I stayed put. Janice’s hair was white, and she had a frumpy middle. Janice was kind and had been there for Grandmama over the years. I’d always loved listening to stories between Grandmama and Janice.
“Your grandmother adored you. She loved you like a daughter. I know this is tough, but all her friends are here for you.”
Another knife in the heart. That’s what all her friends had said in some way or another. Each time was equally painful. I cleared my throat. “Thanks, Janice. I loved her, too.”
She gave me another pat then left. I felt like I was standing on needles, waiting for the next person to approach and say the same thing, forcing reality on me again as if it weren’t already a fresh cut in my heart.
Brandt scooted the glass closer to me. “Drink a little. The ginger ale will help.” I was about to refuse when he pleaded, “For me. Drink a little for me.”
I took a tentative sip. The cold liquid felt like an acid at first then started to calm the knot in my stomach.
“Thanks, baby. Drink a little more.” His encouraging tone got me to drink more.
I took another sip as someone to my right started speaking.
“What should we do this weekend? Let’s do something fun as a family.”
I knew the world shouldn’t stand still because my grandmother died, but listening to people be happy was more than I could take.
“Brandt, can you take me home? I need to go home.” My voice was on the brink of breaking as I stood.
Following my lead, Brandt stood. “Yes, let’s go. Do you want me to tell your parents?”
I glanced toward parents. They had three people surrounding them, which would mean a lot more talking for me. “No, text them. Tell your mom and brother, too. I don’t want to talk to anyone else.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
Someone else approached, and I was afraid I was going to be sick if anyone else told me how much Grandmama loved me. Brandt intercepted, “Hey, Mary. I’m going to take Nikola home. She’s exhausted. It was good seeing you.”
Mary gave a sweet smile. “I understand. You guys rest. I’ll bring by some food this week.”
“Thanks, Mary.” Brandt always got people to warm to him.
I smiled weakly. Mary had ash gray hair and light brown eyes. She was thin and frail. “Anytime. I’ll bring the food by tomorrow if that sounds good. I know how much Anne loved you, Nikola. You meant the world to her.”
And there it was, the joust in the gut. Again. I knew my grandmother’s friends meant well, but it was too much when I was still trying to process the fact that I’d never see her again. I didn’t respond. I was drained to the core.
Brandt guided me out to my vehicle, and I got into the passenger side of the car. He got in on the driver’s side, started the car, and drove. In the outside world, life was in full bloom as the trees began to reveal their green coat for the summer. The sun began to set. I looked at the sun, remembering Grandmama’s words, Every sunrise and sunset, we can gaze up together and know we are looking at the same sky. I closed my eyes, then reopened them to see the brilliant colors.
I remember you, Grandmama. I remember.
More tears fell as I silently cried. Brandt’s hand took mine, consoling me with his touch. I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t had him through all this. The hurt would lessen with time, but the loss would be there forever.
As we drove, I watched the sun dip lower into the sky.
Four days had passed since Grandmama’s death. I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning and live my life. It was difficult when all I wanted to do was stay buried under the mountain of blankets and pretend her death hadn’t happened. I felt like a robot as I got through each moment. I knew this behavior wasn’t healthy, but I was afraid to keep living. If I allowed myself a moment of happiness, part of me felt like I was forgetting Grandmama, even though that was irrational. Brandt held a cup of warm coffee in front of me as I sat on the couch, staring off into space.
“Here you go. Is there anything I can get you?”
Brandt was constantly worrying over me. He’d hardly been to work, and when he did have to leave, Ainsley would stop by from a few streets over to keep me company. Honestly, she was the one who did all the talking—I responded as minimally as I could. I hated being such a bitch, but I was being sucked into a black-tarred abyss. Trigger had been sick, and Jethro was out on scheduled vacation. Even Ainsley worked some at the club. When they were all working, Faith would come over. I liked being in her calming presence, but I was still not the best of company. I felt horrible that I was as useless as I was. Whatever had a hold of me was trying to suck me in, even though I tried to fight it.
I was at a fork in the road. I needed to decide to go down the right path versus staying in mental purgatory. I prayed something would spur me into action.
“Nikola?”
I snapped out of my never-ending thought process and remembered Brandt’s question. I looked up into in his concerned eyes. “I’m good. Thanks for the coffee.”
He nodded. “I have to go to work for a couple of hours. Wesley should be here in a minute.”
“Okay.”
Brandt sighed and kissed my forehead. “We’re going to make it through this. Do you want me to stay?”
I looked into his eyes. “I promise it’s okay for you to go. They need you at the club, Brandt. I just need a little time to deal with all the sadness.”
The doorbell rang, and Brandt looked torn as to what to do. I couldn’t blame him. If I could tell him what to do to lessen the pain, I would. Brandt walked toward the door, and I absentmindedly sipped my coffee. I heard low voices—it sounded like Wesley.
A few minutes later, Wesley came in. He looked like he’d aged since Diane’s passing. I wondered if the weight of the sadness would do this to me. His hair had grown out some, and his chocolate eyes were filled with sympathy. Brandt stood at the doorway, watching. I was sure he was trying to see how Wesley would be with me. I knew Brandt was nervous that, with the death of Diane, Wesley would start to feel more than friendship for me. But he wouldn’t. We’d only been meant to be friends.
I set my coffee mug on the table as Wesley came over and gave me a quick hug. “How are you doing?”
I shrugged. “I’m here. Trying to survive, but it’s tough.”
Wesley sat on the opposite side of the couch. Brandt gave me a hug and a kiss, whispering in my ear, “If you need anything, call me. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He pulled back, and we smiled at each other. Brandt standing by me as he did only strengthened our love. Brandt was here for me in the good times and the bad. Nodding at Wesley, Brandt headed out the door. I sank farther into the couch with my coffee. For the first time, I was at a loss for what to say to my dear friend. My insides were hollow.
Wesley set his leg over his knee and played with the fray of his jeans. He finally spoke, “At first, I felt guilty that I was alive and able to enjoy life. Diane deserved a better ending, but that’s not what the cards had in store for her. I’m coming to accept it. I’m accepting that I couldn’t have done anything else to make her choose me over using. After a lot of talks with Quentin, I now believe Diane would want me to be happy and live my life. There will always be a missing piece, but I’m going to fill that piece with memories and try to move on.”
We sat in silence for a while. My lower lip trembled. “I feel like I lost a mom. I keep thinking I need to call Grandmama and ask her something. Every morning, I wake up and, for an instant, everything seems okay, and then I’m forced to face the truth again. Last night, I dreamed she was alive and we were all playing Rook.”
My shoulders started to shake. Wesley crouched in front of me, then he plucked the coffee cup out of my hand. I’d tried to be strong for the last few days, but I should have known keeping it in was the worst thing I t
o do.
“I understand what you’re saying. Anne and Diane wouldn’t want us to live in torment like this.”
I nodded my head yes and tried to start believing those words. It was hard. Wesley stood. He pulled a DVD out of his back waistband. “Why don’t we watch some Seinfeld? Funniest damn show ever.”
Giving a small chuckle, I nodded as Wesley made his way to the television. This was what I needed. Hopefully, I’d keep progressing and not regress.
A couple more days passed. I was doing better, but there was still something off. There were times I wanted to fall back into the pit of sadness, but I fought like hell to stay where I was or to gain a little ground. We’d just finished breakfast, and I’d helped clear the dishes. Moving back to the couch with a cup of coffee, I took a deep breath. Brandt was walking through the front room, holding the paper. Wesley had helped me tremendously, but I needed my soul mate.
I hoped Brandt would recognize my cry for help as I said, “Brandt, thank you for being so understanding. I’m trying to get out of this funk, but I don’t know how.”
This was the closest I’d come to expressing myself.
Brandt turned toward me and sat next to me. I kept looking down at my coffee, watching the liquid dance in the cup. I heard him crack his neck. He leaned his shoulder against mine.
“No one can tell you how long your mourning period should be, baby. Each person is different. It’s not a betrayal of someone’s memory you love because you keep living your life. They’re a part of who you are, in everything you do. They want the best for you. They want you to live. Anne said when she died, to focus on the happy memories when you’re sad. Think about how much time you did have together.”
Brandt had heard my plea for help. He had heard me. The thick fog holding me captive began to dissipate as his words started to make sense. Grandmama would be sad I wasn’t living my life. She wouldn’t want me wasting away thinking about all the loss. We had one life to make the most out of it.
The doorbell rang.
Brandt chuckled and ran a hand down his face. “If it’s another casserole, I honestly don’t know where we’re going to put it.”
Our fridge and freezer was full of food. In fact, we’d given a lot of food to Ainsley and Adam. Some humor slipped into my mind, and I started feeling myself come back. I called after him, “Well, my wifely duties have been taken care of for a while. You won’t have to ask, ‘What’s for dinner, honey?’”
We were both smiling as Brandt stood and went to the door. It felt good to banter with him. It felt good to see a glimmer of myself. I started forcing the negative thoughts from my mind and focusing on the positives. Brandt opened the door and spoke. The wooden door opened wider, making a slight creaking noise. A frumpy man in a dark-blue suit and tie came in.
Brandt was still in his sweatpants and T-shirt. His feet were bare and something stirred within me that hadn’t for days. I involuntarily licked my lips. To the casual observer, it was a normal gesture, but Brandt saw it and knew what I thought. He stood behind the suited man, giving me a sexy smirk.
“Nikola, this is Andrew Liars. He was Anne’s attorney.”
I stood and shook the lawyer’s slightly sweaty hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Liars. What can I do for you? Please, have a seat.”
He sat and laid his well-used, leather briefcase beside his feet.
“Thank you, Mrs. Mattox. If you have a few minutes, I want to read Anne’s Will for you. I went by your grandmother’s place and found your parents. They were cleaning out the refrigerator, and I read the part that affected them. I know I should have made an appointment, but I was in the area and wanted to introduce myself. If now is not a good time, we can reschedule. Your father said he thought it would be okay.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
I was a little anxious, as I’d never discussed the Will with Grandmama. I’d assumed that my parents would get everything and wondered why I needed to be included in the discussion. Snaps clicked as he opened the briefcase.
Mr. Liars handed me a thick document in a black binder. “Here’s a copy of the Will. Shall I read it to you?”
The idea of reading all this today was daunting. I was just now finding myself, and I didn’t want to be sucked back into the dark pool of whatever I’d been going through. I needed a few days to get my bearings to be able handle something like this.
“Can you summarize it? We can schedule a time to go through the specifics.”
He retrieved another copy and laid it on his legs. “Yes, yes, of course. This is an informal visit, and we can talk in-depth in my office next week, as there will be several things to do. In summary, Ms. Kingston left all her financials and home to you. Your father was given full ownership of the piece of land that they owned jointly.”
She’d left me practically everything? I was speechless and worried that my dad might be hurt.
Mr. Liars continued, “She wanted me to give you this letter. In the packet I gave you is a summary of the financials as of two days ago. We’ll go through everything in-depth next week. If you have any questions between now and then, let me know.”
The lawyer handed me a pale-pink envelope as he stood. “Thanks again, Mrs. Mattox. I appreciate your time. I’m sorry for your loss. Ms. Kingston was a dear friend and client. She will be missed.”
I matched his movement. “Yes, she will be missed. Thank you for coming to my house to personally do this.”
“Anytime, ma’am.”
Brandt escorted Mr. Liars out as he tucked his leather briefcase under his arm.
Sinking back down to the couch, I looked at the outside of the pale-pink envelope. My name was on it in Grandmama’s handwriting.
I ran my fingers along the writing, imagining her sitting at her desk in the living room writing this letter. I recognized the envelope as being one from the stash she kept in her desk. I felt the couch dip, followed by the heat of Brandt’s body.
“Are you going to read it?”
“Yes. I need a minute.”
I continued staring at the envelope, wondering what words were on the inside. There was only one way to find out. Turning the letter over, I opened the envelope delicately. The letter was on pale-pink matching paper.
I unfolded the letter and started to read.
My Dearest Nikola,
I know you’re probably wondering if your dad is okay with me willing the majority of my estate to you. I called him a year or so ago to talk to him about it. He agreed it should go to you. Your parents love you dearly, Nikola, even though I know they are not the best at expressing themselves.
I estimate my cash estate to come in right around a million dollars. I hope this helps you and Brandt have an easier future—one where you can see the world and be with each other. That was a dream your Grandaddy and I always had. Hopefully, our hard work will make your lives easier.
Keep living your life, Nikola. Don’t feel guilty for being happy. Knowing you are living your life to the fullest brings me joy. When you first moved to Arkansas with your parents all those years ago, I was saddened and sometimes would go days without getting dressed. Your grandfather came home one night and said, “Nikola would be sad to see you upset. She wants you to be happy.” I want the same for you. I will miss our talks and our time together, but hopefully I’ve given you a piece of me that will keep us connected throughout your life.
Brandt is the exact person I would have picked for you if I had to choose a lifelong mate for you. Lean on him, he will be there for you.
I love you, Nikola. I’ll be gazing upon the sunrises and sunsets like we promised.
Grandmama
I handed the letter to Brandt as happy tears accumulated in my eyes. These tears purged all the darkness I’d felt over this past week. It had nothing to do with the money, even though I was still shocked at the amount she’d left me.
Brandt finished reading. “Wow.”
“I know. I’m going to be okay.”
Brandt pulled me t
o him. “I never had a doubt. What do you want to do now?”
“I want you to make love to me. I’ve missed you.” The need to be united with him overwhelmed me.
Brandt stood and picked me up. “I’ve missed you, too. I’ll always be here for you.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled his face down to mine for a kiss as he walked. Our tongues reunited, and I felt our love coursing through my veins. Brandt’s strong frame brought us to our bed, where he’d show me how much he truly loved me.
I BECAME COGNIZANT as I felt a hand drifting toward my cock. Nikola had devoured me after I’d made love to her. I knew she’d needed time to know it was okay to still feel joy and live, but I’d missed her intimately.
I tried to assess whether she was awake or sleep-fucking me. My guess was sleep-fucking, since it normally happened after not having sex for a while and then starting again. In the past, it was because travel separated us. I hoped she was sleep-fucking me. I loved watching her wake in the thralls of passion. Nikola’s naked breasts pressed against my chest as her fingers made contact with the tip of my cock. He was at full attention. She began kissing my shoulder.
Lowly, I whispered, “Nikola?”
Nothing. Hell to the yeah. She was about to have her dirty way with me, and I couldn’t wait. Nikola was bare as she began to mount me. I felt my dick touch her clit, and she began grinding on me, feeding her need. Her nipples dangled in front of my face like candy. Lifting my head slightly, I licked one perky, beaded tip while I lightly rolled the other one between my fingers. Her back arched at the contact, and a little moan escaped her lips. Nikola’s eyes were closed as I lay back down to enjoy the view.
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