by Lisa N. Paul
###
AS PREDICTED, NEAL’S funeral was well attended. Okay, well attended may have been a grand understatement. Hundreds of people came to pay their respects to the fallen hero, the former high school quarterback, the town heartthrob, the soldier’s brother, the fire chief’s son, and the all-around amazing man Neal Marcus had been. The eulogies were both heartbreaking and warming as people sobbed and giggled over the stories shared. When Danny spoke of his baby brother, Julie found it almost painful to breathe. It wasn’t until Allan wrapped his strong arm around her and pulled her in tight that she exhaled for what seemed to be the first time in days.
“He’s gonna be all right,” Allan whispered.
“But will you?” Julie countered.
Her father-in-law drew in a deep breath and let his eyes close for a second before he stared at the podium where his son stood. “A parent never gets over losing a child. Ever. And I’ve lost two. I won’t be the same man I was—I can’t be—but it’s my job as a parent to continue on. To love Danny, to love you, and to be grateful for the time I have left on this earth. Memories are for the living, and I wouldn’t trade one minute of my time with my boys. So yeah, darling, I’ll be sad, but I’ll be okay.”
“I love you, Allan,” Julie murmured. “Thank you for giving me Danny and for making me feel like one of yours.”
“You are mine, sweetie.”
If she never saw another casket lowered into the ground, it would be too soon. Everyone left the cemetery and headed back to the Marcus home, but Danny needed more time. So she stood by the newly buried plot, wrapped her arms around her stoic husband, and let her thoughts wander. Other than the eulogy, he hadn’t spoken much since his outburst the day before, and she didn’t want to push him. She didn’t fear Danny and knew he’d never lift a finger in anger, but she knew grief. She knew each person lived it differently. If he needed silence, she’d offer her support quietly.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but…I’m interruptin’.”
The familiar voice blanketed Julie, and an audible sigh escaped her lips as she turned to see the man standing behind them.
Chapter Eight
Ended Up Being Your Ladder
DANNY’S HEAD JERKED up from the fresh dirt the second that deep voice hit his ears. Pivoting, he faced his friend, a man who had come to mean so much over the years, even though they didn’t see nearly enough of each other since Danny and Julie had moved to Baltimore several years before.
“Chester… what? How did you know?”
The older man shook his head. His sorrow-filled eyes moved from Danny’s face to the cemetery ground. “Your woman does a good job of keepin’ me informed, boy. Always has.”
Danny’s gaze moved to Julie in time to see a small lift on the side of her mouth.
“How do think I always know the latest gossip from Chester’s Bar? It certainly isn’t from the few times a year we see him.” Julie wrapped her arms around the man who’d been her salvation before Danny was ever in the picture, and squeezed. “The old guy loves to chat on the phone.” Julie smiled upon releasing Chester. “Who knew?”
“Shh, that’s supposed to be a secret,” Chester said gruffly before turning his gaze back to Danny.
“You drove all the way down here from Laurel?” Danny asked, unable to hide the surprise he felt.
“Boy, I’d fly around the damn world if you guys needed me. Damn shame you don’t know that yet.”
Tears stung Danny’s eyes as Chester pulled him in for a quick hug. The rich smell of Chester’s leather coat permeated Danny’s senses¸ reminding him of the first year Danny and Julie had spent in Laurel together.
“Are you done standing out here?” Chester asked.
Danny looked at Julie, who shrugged. Her unwavering support and understanding had been noticed and appreciated, even if he hadn’t yet expressed it.
“Yeah, we’re done,” Danny said.
“You wanna go straight back to your dad’s place, or you wanna go for a drink somewhere?”
Danny looked from Chester, to Julie, and back to Chester. It hadn’t occurred to Danny not to go home, but now that the option had been presented, the thought of spending more time in that house felt just as confining as his brother’s coffin had looked. “I’d love a drink, man. Jules, what do you say?”
Her small smile felt like sun he hadn’t seen in months. “I say let’s go for drinks, but we need to call your dad first. I don’t want him to worry.”
“Ahh, I got one of those mobile phone things in my truck,” Chester gloated. “Feel all James Bond-ish. Call your pop, and we’ll catch up. You look like you could use a talkin’ to, and you know I can only give advice in my office.”
“Your office?” Julie’s brows arched.
“Yeah, Julie girl, my office…you know, my bar. But since we’re a long ways from there, any bar will do. Just need a couple a drinks, and our boy won’t know the difference.”
The heavy laugh that left Danny’s chest felt foreign, but something told him that a few hours with Julie and Chester was just what he needed to feel more like himself. At Chester’s car, Danny called his dad and explained the situation. His father sounded a bit relieved and even told him to take his time.
“Follow us,” Danny told Chester after he hung up. “There’s a bar a few miles from here in the hotel.”
Safely tucked in the Ranger with the engine idling and the heat blowing, Danny looked at his wife. “Honey, you called Chester.”
The statement sounded simple, but he was so incredibly touched by her actions. Over the past few days—he’d lost count of how many—he’d been a wasteland, a void. And while Julie was grieving with him, sharing in his pain and feeling her own loss, she’d still managed to pack his suit before they’d left Baltimore, organize the funeral, keep him fed, and contact someone who was extremely important to them both.
“Yes, Danny, I did. He’s family.”
Danny let the word roll around in his head. He’d been lucky to have his own family, but with his mother and both of his brothers gone and a wife he loved more than life, the word family was taking on new shapes…new boundaries.
As if she could read his thoughts, her cool palm cupped his chin, keeping their eyes connected. “Family doesn’t always have to come with blood. It only has to come with love.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.
For the first time since receiving his father’s phone call, he felt her kiss. Christ, it felt good. More, he needed more.
Honk! A horn blared behind them. Chester’s Jeep rolled up to their side, and he motioned for Danny to slide down his window. “Boy, not that I mind seein’ you love on your woman, but I’d appreciate it more with my ass on a stool and a drink in my hand. So drive.”
###
“IS IT POSSIBLE to still be hung-over?” Danny asked after swallowing two pain relievers and a large gulp of water.
“Anything’s possible with the way you and Chester drank the other night.” Julie rubbed his thigh with her right hand while keeping her left on the steering wheel.
It had been two days since Neal’s funeral, and while the pain was razor sharp, Danny preferred it to the numbness he’d suffered before he laid his brother to rest. He welcomed the agony over the paralysis he’d felt in the years that followed Jeff’s death. He could deal with hurting because it would lessen over time. He’d been through it, as had his wife. It was she who’d pulled him through to the other side the first time. He had been stuck in a revolving door of mourning, unable to get out of the cycle, and she somehow jammed the motor long enough for him to leave safely. She saved him then, and she saved him now.
When they’d gotten to the bar after the funeral, Chester opened a tab, ordered tequila shots and a couple pitchers of beer, and told the waitress to “keep the drinks coming till the pretty boy either passes out or pukes.” While most of the conversation from that night had been coming back in dribs and drabs over the past forty-eight hours (due to the puking and pa
ssing out), there was one part Danny remembered quite clearly. It was something Chester had told Danny the night Danny got discharged from the army, something that had floated around in his subconscious for years but came to the surface only while sitting face-to-face with his old friend after placing his baby brother in the ground. Julie had gone to the hotel’s front desk to book a room for Chester, seeing as the man had matched Danny drink for drink, shot for shot.
“Hey man,” Danny slurred, “you remember what you said to me on my last night in uniform?” Danny remembered, even through his drunken vision, how incredibly sober Chester had looked in that moment.
“Yeah, boy, I do. Why?”
Danny nodded. “You asked why I was running from one thrill mission straight to another if I’d found my woman and my peace.” Danny rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe away the alcohol-induced cloudy vision. “I was always supposed to be a fire fighter, Chester. It’s in the Marcus blood, like loyalty, but when Jeff died, that loyalty split. I needed to fight for him, avenge him, become who he was so he was never forgotten. But after four years, I hadn’t brought him back and I hadn’t become him. I only lost parts of me. So I figured it was time to go back to my original plan, be the Marcus man I always dreamed I’d be. ‘Cept I met her… my Julie. You told me that every time I took a call, I’d take her with me, but it’s more than that, man. She’s in every breath I take. Not sure it’s fucking normal, so I’ve tried to ignore it. Tried to shove it down. But once again, feel like I’m doing a job tailored for someone else. Then Neal’s accident…he lost his life. Lost his goddamn life. Hell, I’m thinking I need to stop tempting fate.”
“What are you saying, Dan?” Chester’s brow arched as he filled their glasses with beer.
“I’m saying I know I can walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow. Can have a weird accident and die. But I’d rather take those chances than continue doing a job that feels more like a familial obligation than a labor of love. Not when I’m putting her happiness on the line every single day.”
It may have been the ridiculous amount of tequila running through Danny’s blood, but he swore Chester’s eyes softened. “Congratulations, son. Now you’ve found your peace.”
The rest of the night disappeared down the toilet and into a black haze. According to Julie, the waitress had more than earned the generous tip she received. Chester phoned in his good-bye from his mobile early the next morning while on his way home to Laurel.
Now Julie was driving them home, and Danny watched her command his truck. Without alcohol fogging up his brain, he knew it was the right time to discuss their future. “I’m gonna quit the station, Jules.”
Surprise worked its way over his wife’s face. “Babe…” Julie sighed as she flipped on the turn signal and pulled over to the side of the quiet road. “Sweetie”—her clear gray eyes searched his—“this isn’t a decision you should be making right now.”
“It’s not,” Danny admitted. “You know I haven’t been in love with my job since…well, almost the start. I told you I’d be okay. I promised you the gear was state of the art, and it is. But Neal still died. Can you honestly tell me that you won’t panic every single time I go to work now, knowing there’s a chance I won’t come home?”
Julie cocked her head, utter confusion on her face as well as in her tone. “Dan, are you kidding me? I get sick to my stomach every time you leave for work. I vomited for the first few months after you left our house.”
What the hell? How had he never known? Why had she never told him? “Julie, you never told me any of that. Why?”
“Because it wasn’t your cross to bear. You run into burning buildings, and your goal is to get in and get out as fast as humanly possible while saving lives and containing the fire. The very last thing you need is having my fears on your back. So I do what all of the other spouses do—I cry with fear when you leave and with joy when you come home.”
Chest tight with guilt over the blissful ignorance he’d hidden behind for years, Danny quickly unlatched his seatbelt, threw open the passenger door, and got out of the Ranger. As he stalked around to the driver’s side of his truck, his future flashed before his eyes, and while he’d known it from the first time they’d met, it was never more clear than in that moment. All of the running he’d done, all of the danger he’d faced, all of the time he’d given—none of it filled his heart more than the woman who shared his life and his last name. She was the thrill he’d been seeking, and she’d been his for five years. Things were about to change.
Danny threw open the driver’s side door and growled, “Get out of the car.”
***
JULIE’S HEAD TIPPED back as her eyes met his. When she had offered to drive home from North Carolina in order to give Danny some much needed rest, he’d reluctantly accepted. His body had shut down within minutes of hitting the road. For two hours, the sound of his soft breathing brought her comfort as the miles ticked away. But awake, with raw determination blazing from his eyes, two things struck Julie. The first, it would take a lot more than a couple hours of sleep to remove the dark circles and soul-shredding grief from Danny’s beautiful face. The second, it didn’t matter how many flames her husband had fought; the fire burning in his eyes now had been missing for years. Shame on you for being so blind.
“Get…out…of…the…car. Now.”
Her heart beat faster with his command. She found something about the way his voice deepened and his eyes darkened sexy as hell. Her body always seemed to follow before her mind had time to catch up. Hopping out of the Ranger, she closed the door, then grabbed his hand and followed him to the other side of the truck, away from the open road. As sparse as the traffic might have been, her husband never took chances with her safety.
“Seems like we got ourselves into a bit of a situation, honey. Seeing as I believe I’m the one who started the mess, I’m gonna be the first one to pull out the mop and start cleaning. But you can bet your sweet ass you’ll be following me.”
“All right, Mr. Clean, let’s hear what’s got you so whipped up.” She smiled as she stood with her hands tucked into her winter coat pockets and her back pressed against the Ranger.
“Mr. Clean? Really? Come on, Jules, look at my hair. Hell, I have hair.” Danny chuckled. “Don’t look a thing like that guy.”
Relief had overtaken her the second he stated his intent to leave firefighting behind. She would never have asked nor suggested he give up the career he believed ran in his veins, but he didn’t seem to relish the job the way Allan and Neal did. She felt as if he was going to work halfhearted each shift. One didn’t fight fires halfheartedly. Therefore, each call he went on ramped up her anxiety even further.
The humor was gone from his eyes, replaced with something akin to regret. “Seriously, honey, I fucked up. You told me back when we were dating that you were uncomfortable with my career path, and while I heard you speaking, I didn’t listen to your words. I thought I knew it all. Had my shit planned out and found an amazing woman to be my life partner—”
His words gutted her. He hadn’t fucked up. He was following a path he thought was his. His brother’s death was devastating, but she didn’t want it to make him question his every life choice. Sure, she lived in constant fear, but her parents had always told her that the person who loved her would never try to change her. She loved her husband. “Danny—”
“No, baby, hear me out, please.” She nodded, and he continued. “You know where I went wrong? I didn’t treat you like a partner. A lover, yes. A best friend, sure. But my life partner? No, honey, I screwed up on that part, and the mess began. I knew almost from the start that we were gonna spend forever together. I knew what you’d gone through and the loss you’d suffered. We should have discussed my path. It should have been ours.”
Each word he spoke was balm to a piece of her soul, a piece that he’d unknowingly bruised years before, and was still tender to the touch.
With one hand on the truck’s roof, Danny leaned in closer
. “I apologize. I’m sorry that I led you instead of walking beside you. Seeing that look on your face, knowing the fear you had almost every day for four years, makes me sick. Men and women are out there every damn day doing it, just like Neal. Heroes, each of ‘em. But it’s not me. It never was, and I put you through that for no reason.”
Tears welled within her eyes and gratitude swept through her as years of tension slowly unfurled from her limbs. “Danny…I…I want to kiss you. I also want to throttle you.”
And it was true—she was dizzy with conflicting emotions. She’d grown up admiring how her parents supported one another. They didn’t always agree, they weren’t always successful in their ventures, but they always backed each other. Looking back on the past four years, she wasn’t certain how she’d survived it, but she had.
“I’ll accept kisses and throttles, but, my love, this is where your hands get muddy.”
She knew. In that second, it all became crystal clear. But she let him spell it out because she deserved to hear it.
“Honey, you are not, have never been, and—if I can help it—will never be a quiet woman. You speak your mind, and you do it in a way that isn’t rude, condescending, or cruel. It’s truth how you see it and usually it’s truth—period.”
He wasn’t wrong. That was who she was, how her parents had raised her, and how she’d had to be during the year and a half she was on her own. It was who she still was, except when it came to Danny’s job.
“I didn’t listen back then, Jules, but you stopped talking. Don’t do that, babe. I’m a man—stubborn as hell, isn’t that what you say?”
Julie stifled a giggle.
“One day we’re gonna have kids, and if those little guys are anything like me”—he waggled his brows—“you’re gonna be talking all the damn time.”
The mention of future children sent warmth tingling through her body. They’d talked about having a large family when they first got married, and over the past year, they’d been actively trying without success. But both believed it would happen when the time was right.