by Lisa N. Paul
“Okay,” she relented. “I don’t think I need any help, but I’ll call the therapist Doctor Burke suggested if it will make you happy.”
“Thank you, honey.”
Julie shifted to face the window, missing the way Danny’s mouth curled up a tiny bit. He wouldn’t say out loud that the therapist wouldn’t just help him, but her…them. He wasn’t a dumb man. Stubborn woman needed to think she was doing him a favor, then so be it. In time, she’d figure it out.
***
EVER SO SLOWLY, light crept back into Julie’s mercurial eyes. After her first visit with the therapist, Julie’s mood had worsened. Her tears came more easily, and Danny wondered if maybe he’d pushed too hard too soon. Chester assured him that, as with soldiers returning from war, trauma was a battle fought with patience, time, and endurance, not a smile and a pat on the back. While Danny felt the loss of their baby, Julie was suffering with the guilt of not protecting what she felt was her mission, her purpose.
“Think about it, Dan,” Chester gruffed into the phone while Julie was at her second appointment, “we’re trained…no man left behind, yeah? We lose one of our own, and we feel it through to our gut. I know you lost your unborn child, I know you’re hurtin’, but she lost her life blood. She left someone behind…”
Chester’s words pierced Danny, but also brought a little more clarity, as they always did. He had been the reason Danny suggested therapy in the first place.
“Let her feel the pain, son—”
“That’s all she’s been doing!”
“No,” Chester said, “she’s been feelin’ nothin’…numb. The first session cracked her. Angry, tearful…she’s finally feelin’. You’re doin’ good, boy. Hold tight, and you’ll get our girl back soon. I promise, she’s worth the fight.”
“Fuck, Ches, you don’t think I know she’s worth it? I just miss her, man.”
###
TRUE TO HIS friend’s word, over the following weeks, Julie’s smile returned. It may not have been as bright as before, but it was honest, and it reached her eyes.
“You’re never gonna believe what movie I rented for tonight.” Danny waggled his brows as he tossed the box of Goobers and the package of strawberry Twizzlers on the coffee table and headed to the kitchen to grab two bottles of beer.
“Am I supposed to sit here and guess?” Julie called from the sofa.
Her sarcastic retort made a smile pull at Danny’s cheeks. Welcome back, baby. What he said was, “Yes, smart ass, why don’t you take a guess?”
“Hmm, Point Break?”
“No.” He placed the cold beverages on the table and served up the best glare he could.“I think seeing it twice in the theater and renting it three times so you could ogle Keanu Reeves has maxed out my lifetime desire to ever watch that movie again.”
“Danny, just tell me,” Julie mock-whined, giggling in a way that was musical and missed. “It’s rare you have the entire day and night off, and we’ve been running around like crazy all day. If we don’t get started soon, I can’t guarantee I’ll make it through the whole movie.”
“No way you’re falling asleep on this one, honey. Here’s a hint.” He cleared his throat and attempted his best Marissa Tomei accent. “‘One tire spins, the other tire does nothing.’”
“Ahh!” Julie’s arms flew up, narrowly missing the food and drinks. “You rented My Cousin Vinny? Danny, I’m so excited to see it again! We only got to see that movie twice on opening weekend. It came out right before we left on our trip.”
Danny thought back to the first time they’d seen it on opening weekend. The movie came out only a few months after he lost his baby brother, left his job, and decided to work behind a bar. He’d laughed so hard the night they saw My Cousin Vinny, and he remembered wondering how laughter was possible even when his hurt and uncertainty felt all-consuming. The four weeks that followed were medicine to his soul and produced the tiny life he and Julie had wished for.
While he had no intentions of pushing his wife to become intimate before she was ready—which clearly she wasn’t, based on the fact that the only touching she sought and accepted was being held in the dead of night when horrors pulled her from sleep and into his arms—he couldn’t help but hope the movie that brought levity to him would bring laughter to her.
It did. As they recited the lines they remembered from the two times they saw the film and snorted with abandon at the silly antics of Joe Pesci and Marissa Tomei, Danny felt tension melt from Julie’s body. Each tear that left her eyes may have come from laughter, but it held sadness that had been trapped for nearly two months.
At the end, when Julie kissed Danny’s cheek and whispered, “Thank you,” he felt the hero so many had claimed him to be.
That night, once tucked in bed, Julie tangled their fingers together as she laid her head close to his shoulder. “I love you, Danny,” she whispered. “I promise, I’ll get back to…normal soon.”
His heart pounded. Her touch, as small as it was, was a magical elixir to his skin, but her words brought both comfort and discontent. “Honey, it’s because I love you that your promise isn’t needed. You understand? Take the time you need to feel what you need to feel.” He squeezed her hand. “Not gonna lie, having your hand in mine…Christ, that small touch…heaven, Jules. But as long as you’re working on coming back to not just me but you…I’ll fucking wait. Just don’t shut me out, darlin’.”
“Okay.”
The room got quiet as her breaths evened out, each exhale warming the skin of his shoulder. She’s on her way back, he thought just before sleep claimed him.
***
WITH EACH PASSING week, Julie got stronger. As much as she hated to admit it, Danny had been right to suggest and all but force her to go to therapy. While she was grateful to her husband, watching him barely hide the twitch of his lips when she conceded to his fabulousness was a bit tough on her ego.
“Guilty, you’ve been feeling guilty…”
The resignation in her husband’s voice suggested that he didn’t hold her responsible for the accident that had ended the pregnancy, a point her therapist had been trying to drive home for weeks.
“Honey”—Danny lifted her chin until their eyes met—“you’ve been hoarding the responsibility of what happened. Got yourself a suitcase filled with blame, yeah?”
She nodded.
“Keep thinking what if you hadn’t gone to work that night? What if you hadn’t worked so hard or walked to the car alone?”
He’s been reading my mind. How else could he know the questions that have played on a continuous loop for the past twelve weeks?
“Maybe you should place your bag next to mine,” he said.
Her eyes widened. What does he mean? He did nothing wrong.
“You see, I gotta duffle stuffed with ‘what ifs’ too. What if I didn’t work on the nights you worked? What if I had a mobile phone instead of a pager? Could I have gotten to you faster? What if I insisted on you quitting your job at O’Brian’s the minute you hit your second trimester?” Humor lit his gaze. “Don’t look at me that way, babe. I know you never would have done it, but I still battle with that regret.”
She swallowed, allowing his words to wash over her, seep into her, and resonate.
“So many ‘what ifs,’ Jul, but none of them matter. You could have slipped and fallen on the way into the grocery store. You could’ve tripped down the stairs in our home. It was an accident,” he said, enunciating every word.
Slowly, she repeated him, “It was an accident, Danny. It was.”
His hazel stare burned into hers, God, his eyes saw into her soul in a way no one else’s could. Unconditional love in its purest form. That was why she’d spent so much time in the past three months avoiding them. They undid her, made her want things she needed to hide from. But lately, hiding was getting harder, mostly because she was done trying. She wanted to let him in, share her burdens, and move on. Her twelve-week obstetrician follow-up appointment was the next
day; she was ready to take back her life.
Chapter Fifteen
Your Mere Existence
“SO YOU’RE SAYING I’ll never be able to have babies, ever?” Julie’s voice broke as the question left her mouth. She felt Danny’s hand grip hers, but the room shrank, closing in around her. She hadn’t gotten her period since losing the baby, but at the six-week follow-up visit, the doctor had told her to be patient. In fairness, she remembered the doctor in the hospital discussing possible difficulty with future pregnancies, but she had been drugged up at the time and had refused to ask questions.
“I’m sorry.” Dr. Burke’s compassionate eyes moved between hers and Danny’s. “According to the ultrasound we just did, you have no endometrial lining, an unfortunate outcome from the surgery and embolization you needed to stop the bleeding. None of those things could have been avoided. It was a life-or-death situation.”
“Obviously there was no choice to be made.” Danny’s firm statement resulted in silence as Julie’s eyes leaked. Danny exhaled as he ran his hand through his short dark hair.“Okay.”
He’ll fix this. He’ll make it better.
“Let me understand what you’re telling us…because of what happened, we can’t have children. The baby that we lost is the only one we’ll ever have?” Danny asked.
“Biologically, yes,” the doctor answered. “I’m so sorry. I wish I had better news for you, different answers, but I don’t.”
“We wish you had different answers too,” he murmured.
Julie’s lungs burned with the need for air. She hadn’t let so much as a breath escape her body for fear of breaking down, never to be fixed again. Her gaze cut to her husband, ramrod straight in the expensive leather chair, tight jaw, wet eyes, but a supportive grasp on her hand. She kept letting him down, and he kept holding her close. They would have no children, no family.
With Danny’s arm looped around her waist, they walked silently out of the building and to the Ranger. Once inside the cab, Julie pulled the cork on the emotions she’d been holding in and let loose the keening cries of a woman who’d just lost her fantasies…again.
***
DANNY JOINED JULIE at the first therapy session after leaving the doctor’s office, which, thanks to the therapist and her magical schedule, was just hours after receiving the crippling news. In that office, they cried in each other’s arms, screamed at the unfairness of life, and determined that Julie would benefit from sessions twice weekly until the initial crisis passed.
Two weeks had passed since the fateful obstetrician’s appointment, and while Julie didn’t revert entirely to where she had been after she lost their daughter, she regressed deeply at first.
After sixteen days, Sheila contacted Danny when she hadn’t heard from Julie. Their friend was heartbroken by the news, but like the best of friends did, she came up with a plan instead of focusing on things that couldn’t be changed. While Julie didn’t return to work after losing the baby, she and Sheila still spoke frequently and the two couples continued to see each other socially.
With Danny’s blessing, Sheila stopped by the Marcus house one day while he was at work, and she convinced Julie it was time to return to her management position. Within two weeks, Julie seemed to be crying less and smiling more. He got a kiss on the cheek before work and a hug before sleep. She seemed happier, more alive, and he was grateful.
Danny used the time while Julie was at work to allow himself to grieve. They mourned together for the first few days, but then he tucked away his sadness and focused on keeping his woman above water. However, when alone, the loss crept in and felt suffocating. Their dreams of little kids, loud dinners, big Christmases, sibling rivalries, and bear hugs felt ripped away, leaving raw skin and exposed nerves. But new dreams could be made, of that he was certain, as long as he had Julie by his side.
The problem was that it had been four and a half months since she’d let him touch her. Four and a half months since he’d given her more than a peck on the cheek or squeezed her hand. They’d spent their whole marriage sleeping skin to skin, and she now slept in long sleeves and sleep pants. While he could continue to give her space, he feared the space was creating issues that would eventually cause a rift.
Julie had always loved his dominant ways. She bloomed under his words and writhed beneath his touch. For months he’d stayed back, fearful of pushing her before she was ready, scared to lose her due to impatience.
He snickered without humor at his reflection in the men’s room mirror at work. “You’ll lose her ‘cause you’ve been acting like a pussy.” New dreams will be made. He left the restroom and headed to his post.
In the months that he’d watched his wife grieve, blocking him out, keeping pain in, it was Chester who had become his closest confidant. After work that day, Danny called Chester for advice.
“If she freely gives you control in the bedroom, she wants you to control her in the bedroom,” his friend said.
“Chester, no offense, man, but she’s in a bad place. She barely comes near me.”
“Dan, no offense, boy, and believe me, this advice doesn’t come easy bein’ as I think of her as a daughter, but there comes a time when you’ll need to start thinking as a couple and not just about her. The shit that went down, son—it tears couples apart. That I can promise. You’ll know when it’s time, and when it is, take back the control she’s given you. Take it back in a way that she knows she’s loved and safe, but that’s it.”
“What?”
Chester huffed. “She’s hurtin’, runnin’, pushin’ you away. How do you stop her from doing that while lovin’ her with everything you got?”
“Ah,” The proverbial light bulb pinged over Danny’s head as a smile caressed his face.
“By George, I think he’s got it.” Chester chuckled and ended their call.
Danny began his planning.
###
“A MINT CHOCOLATE chip milk shake!” Her eyes lit up as she dipped her spoon into the extra-thick novelty. “Let me guess, a vanilla one for you, huh?” He always loved watching her “drink” shakes with a spoon. “Did you do something wrong, Mr. Marcus?” Her brow arched with mock accusation as her mouth opened wide to accept another generous scoop.
“No, babe, I passed the ice cream shop on my way home from work and figured you could use a treat.”
They had both worked day shift and had the night off. It was the first time in over a week their schedules allowed for that, and he planned on taking advantage of the night.
“Mmm, so good.” She swiped a napkin off the kitchen table and padded on bare feet to the family room. She cozied up on the sofa with her shake and the television remote. “Wheel of Fortune is starting. Come sit with me.”
Together, they watched the game show while calling out answers before the contestants, high-fiving when they were correct, laughing each time they guessed wrong. Danny’s focus split between the show and the way Julie’s tongue lapped at the quickly melting ice cream. So sexy. A needy rhythm throbbed in his cock each time an appreciative moan escaped her lips. Oh, sweet Lord, let me in.
Click.
“Danny, what…” Julie stared from the blank television screen to him. “Jeopardy’s on next. We love that show. Why did you turn off the TV?”
That question was the only one he needed to hear, and the answer was clear. Danny removed the empty shake cup from Julie’s hand and placed it on the coffee table before turning his attention back to her.
“Jeopardy, huh? Okay, the answer is…your mere existence.” Danny closed the distance between them, interlacing their fingers as he nudged his nose up her neck to her ear. “What’s the question, honey?”
When goose bumps rose on her skin, excitement surged through his blood. She still wanted him; he just needed to break through the wall of fear and contentment that she’d erected over the months.
“W-what?”
“The question, babe.” His tongue touched her lobe. “If the answer’s your mere ex
istence, what’s the question?” Gently, he bit the sensitive skin and relished the tiny tremor that shook her body.
“Danny, I-I have no idea what you’re doing,” Julie faltered, her lids lowered, and her tongue glided across her bottom lip.
“Yeah, you do. You’ve just forgotten.” As he whispered in her ear, his hand lowered to her denim-clad thigh. “I’m here to remind you, honey. The question—what part of you makes my life complete?”
Her body stilled beneath his touch.
“The answer—your mere existence.”
“Danny…” She sighed, her body all but melting with his touch.
The husband inside him exhaled with relief while his primal side roared with unrestrained triumph. “Let me give you what you need.” He stood, slid his arm under her legs, and effortlessly cradled her as he walked them upstairs. “I’m your husband, babe, your man. I’ll gladly watch game shows with you forever. But right now, only thing I wanna do is strip you naked and lick every inch of your gorgeous fucking body.” He lowered her to her feet, flicked on the bedroom light, and stared at the woman before him. “Been so long since you felt pleasure, too damn long. You need it, and I can’t wait to give it.”
If her pale pink cheeks and glossy eyes weren’t enough of an indicator that she was aroused, then the way her breath hitched with each word he spoke certainly was.
“Oh, God,” Julie panted as her tongue caressed her bottom lip.
“Good place to start, but it’ll be my name you’re screaming when you’re coming on my face.” Danny winked as he popped the button and slid down the zipper on Julie’s jeans.
Her audible swallow had him choking back a chuckle. Fuck me. He subtly adjusted himself. It’s been so long, I might come from my own damn dirty talk. Danny cupped Julie’s cheek, staring into her eyes for a brief second before claiming her mouth. Coming home. That was how it felt to press his lips to hers. Scorching, claiming desire clawed through his body, screaming for release. His hand left her cheek and moved to the back of her neck, fisting the strawberry-blonde locks as his other hand lowered them both to the bed. Without breaking their kiss, he pushed the jeans down her hips and thighs, then used his sock-covered foot to remove them completely.