by Jo Ann Brown
Sarah kept her sigh silent. Lord, You brought me to this family. Please show me how I can help them become a true family like my brothers and I used to be.
A new wave of sorrow rushed over her. Not so many years ago, Benjamin and Menno had made her feel important to them as Natalie did with the younger two. They hadn’t acted as if she were an unwanted burden they couldn’t wait to be done with. She missed that time.
“What a generous mamm you have!” she said as she entered the room.
If the kinder suspected she was pretending to be excited about the gifts, they gave her no sign. She could tell, however, the kinder were faking their excitement, too. The clothing was lovely and the perfect size. The toys and books had been chosen well.
She knew they would have traded every gift for a chance to spend just a minute more with their mamm.
* * *
It had been an unbelievable day. The aromas of hay, leather, horses and hard work filled every breath Toby drew from when he’d arrived just after dawn. Those odors made him homesick for the stables on J.J.’s ranch. He’d spent hours in and around them every day, except Sundays. Although on Sunday evenings, he was often found working with the horses.
Instead of savoring the chance to be among people who shared his obsession with training horses and the creatures themselves, he kept losing himself in thoughts of Sarah and their kiss. He grinned each time he thought about it. If the other trainers and grooms thought he was a grinning fool, he didn’t care.
He’d looked for an opportunity to hold her again, but none had arisen. The one time he thought he might steal another kiss, the kinder had come looking for her. That he’d seen disappointment in her eyes before she turned to the youngsters had suggested she regretted the lost opportunity as much as he did.
Toby felt his grin grow wider and wider as he clumped along with his cane in Summerhays’s wake at the day’s end. The stable’s owner had offered him a ride back to the house while on his way to Salem. Summerhays was leaving earlier than usual because he had a meeting to attend.
Horses poked their heads out of their stalls to discover who was making the strange sounds. Though Toby doubted he was the first one to walk with a cane in front of the stable doors, he’d gotten the horses’ attention.
He paused and admired a sleek gray who moved along the pasture fence with the grace of a cloud in a bright blue sky. “Aren’t you a handsome fellow!”
“You’ve got a good eye, Christner,” Summerhays said. “He’s my best. He’s been entered in two races and came in first in one and second in the other. He’ll be three next year, so I’m going to see that he gets high-visibility races.”
Toby was pleased the man continued to discuss his favorite topic as they went to a white truck, which was bigger than the red one Toby had driven to Fleetwood’s farm with Sarah and Mercy. When Summerhays asked his opinion on the horses he’d seen, Toby replied honestly. He could tell, as they drove north, Summerhays didn’t appreciate all his comments.
Too bad. Toby knew the dangers of misrepresenting a horse and what it was able to do. Mishandling a young horse could mean it never would reach its potential. Thoughtless training might ruin a horse. He’d tried to retrain such horses, but too often they were beyond saving.
“That’s an interesting take on the horse,” Summerhays said when they discussed the horses at the stables near Harmony Creek Hollow. “You seem to know a lot about my horses after such a short time.”
“I had an inside expert share information on the animals in your stables.”
“Who?”
“Natalie.”
Summerhays, shocked, looked at Toby. Cutting his eyes back to the road, he asked, “My daughter?”
“Ja. She knows more about horses and their training than a lot of adults I’ve worked with.”
“You don’t say,” Mr. Summerhays drawled, pride sifting into his voice. “When do you think Bay Boy will be ready to come down to Saratoga for training?”
“I’d say you could start him here next month. He may be the finest horse I’ve trained,” Toby replied, then smiled. “Natalie agrees.”
The older man looked startled, then grinned. “You may be right about her knowing more than many equine experts. So you’ve done all you can with him?”
“I’ve worked with Mick and Cecil and showed them how best to work with Bay Boy,” he replied, realizing that Summerhays might be proud of Natalie, but all his thoughts were on his horses. “They know how he hates being in the trailer so much that he refuses to run at his top speed for several days afterward.” He glanced at the older man. “You’re going to have to keep that in mind. It’s not a normal situation, but he’s not a normal horse. He knows his mind and thinks he’s the boss. Once I let him think I believed it, too, he’s been much more cooperative.”
Mr. Summerhays nodded. “That makes sense.”
“Why are you asking me? You’ve got experienced grooms and trainers at your stables.”
“Too often they give me the answers they think I want to hear, not the truth.” He chuckled. “You’ve heard that, haven’t you?”
“Sir?”
“I’m sure Sarah clued you in.” Not waiting for a response, he said, “She’s one of a kind, Toby.”
“Yes, sir.”
“That sounds like an answer you give when you don’t want to be honest.”
Astonished, Toby said, “No, I was agreeing. She is one of a kind.” He’d never meet another woman like her, no matter how far and wide he searched. But his life was in Texas, and hers was... Abrupt shame pierced him. Too late, he realized he shouldn’t have kissed her. No matter how incredible it’d been, it had been a mistake, suggesting a promise he couldn’t keep.
“Without her help,” Summerhays said, interrupting his appalling thoughts, “I doubt you would have gotten on your feet as quickly.”
“True,” he answered, holding on to the conversation as a way to keep from thinking about the mess he’d made. “She isn’t hesitant to say what is the right thing to do and make sure you do it.”
“My kids have given her a lot of practice, no doubt.”
Toby knew the horseman’s words were the perfect opening for him to share Sarah’s concerns about how the kinder needed more time with their parents. He almost said something but halted. Sarah had asked him to let her handle it, and he needed to do that. He wouldn’t be like her brothers. Protective of her to the point that she was suffocating.
He wasn’t thinking clearly at the moment as his emotions roiled through him like clouds in a thunderstorm.
Dropped off in front of the house a half hour later, Toby went inside after Summerhays had turned the truck around and headed toward Salem. Sarah stood in the entry. He didn’t need to look at her face to know she was upset. The rigid angle of her shoulders and how her fingers were curling and uncurling by her sides warned him she was trying to calm her feelings before they burst out of her. Something or someone had upset her.
Who?
Had her thoughts followed the same path as his? Did she regret their kiss?
As if he’d asked those questions aloud, Sarah said, “I hoped to talk to you before you ran into the kinder. Their mamm arrived home this afternoon but spent less than five minutes with them before she had to leave for a meeting. They’re having supper, and I don’t think they’ve eaten a single bite.”
Shocked, because Alexander could always be counted on to eat everything in front of him, Toby tried to imagine what the kinder were feeling. He couldn’t. His parents had always kept him at the heart of their family. More than once, he’d heard his daed say they were moving to a place where life should be better for Toby. The constant search for a place where his daed would find kindred spirits had been aimed at the best life for all of them.
“That’s sad,” he said, unsure what she needed to hear.
“I pla
n to speak to Mrs. Summerhays tomorrow. I’ve been praying on this, Toby.”
“I have been, too.”
“You have? You seemed distant from God.”
“He has never been distant from me. When I look in your eyes, I know He loves me. Otherwise, He wouldn’t have given us this chance to be together. How can I not be grateful for His knowing my heart when I didn’t?”
“I’m so happy for you,” she said, hoping he meant his heart was filled with the same love that was within hers.
“I know you are. You’ve made me happy, Sarah, just as you have the kinder.”
“Ja, they enjoy being with me, but I’m a poor substitute for their parents. The kinder want to be with their daed and mamm.” Her gaze turned inward. “It’s been three years since my daed died and more than a decade since my mamm did, and I would trade anything to have a few minutes more with them in this life.”
“I know what you mean. When I stayed at J.J.’s, I had no idea how much I’d miss my folks.”
“You should tell them that.”
“I know, but I can’t figure out how.”
She grasped his arms. “Toby, you have to forgive your daed for the past. If you do that, you will find the words.”
“I don’t know if I can.” How could he explain the years of hurt that had piled layer upon layer inside him?
“Pray. God will guide you. Please don’t wait. If I’d waited to tell my parents how much I loved them...” She snapped her arms together across her chest and glowered. “Don’t wait, Toby. Don’t be like this family. I see them squandering their chance to be together.”
Before he could reply, a phone rang in Summerhays’s office. Toby waited in the foyer for Sarah to answer it and return. His arms ached to hold her close until she could push aside her sorrow.
“Toby?” Sarah’s voice intruded into his thoughts. “The call is for you.”
“For me?”
She nodded. “The man asked for Toby Christner.”
He gave her what he hoped was a bolstering smile. “I’ll be right back.”
* * *
Sarah sat on the bottom step of the grand staircase and prayed for God to give her the right words at the right time—and soon!—to talk with the kinder’s parents. Open their hearts to hearing the truth so they can build a true relationship with the kinder who adore them.
The sound of Toby’s cane against the stone floor brought her head up. God had blessed her by bringing this man into her life to remind her that what she said and did mattered. She was grateful for how well he’d healed...and how her heart had danced like stardust in the moonlight when he kissed her.
“That was J.J. He and Ned are on their way here,” he said in an emotionless voice.
Her heart plummeted into her stomach. “When will they get here?”
“Early tomorrow.”
His answer burned her like acid. “How long are they staying?”
“Long enough to pick me up.”
Disbelief froze her heart. Somehow, she stood. “So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Her words sounded as if they were coming through a long tunnel.
“Ja.”
She waited for him to add something.
He didn’t. Nor would he meet her gaze.
When she couldn’t handle the silence, she said, “I understand.” She wished it were the truth.
“You don’t need to worry.” He wore the same expression Ethan did when he hoped she’d overlook a jam he’d gotten into. “I’m done with our portion of training Bay Boy.”
Her brows lowered. “What does the horse have to do with anything?”
“The plan was for one of us to stay and show Summerhays’s men what training the horse was accustomed to. So I would have been here, even if I hadn’t hurt my ankle. I wasn’t going to leave Ned with a pretty woman like you.”
“You weren’t going to...” She couldn’t get the words out.
“Trust me. I know Ned, and you don’t.”
“You could have warned me.” She backed away. “But no, you thought I needed you to protect me.”
“It’s not that.”
“No? Then what do you call making decisions for someone who can make her own decisions?”
“Like I said, I know Ned, and I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
Tears filled her eyes, but she blinked them away. Would he be like her brothers and see her honest emotions as a sign of weakness?
Taking a steadying breath, she asked, “Why weren’t you honest later?”
“It wasn’t an issue. Ned was gone, and I was stuck here.”
Stuck?
Was that how he saw the time they’d spent together? Had she been nothing more to him than a way to keep from being bored while he was recovering? Worse, knowing he was leaving, he’d kissed her as if she were special to him. She’d shared her dreams with him and offered him her heart.
“I should go,” she said. Before I say something I may or may not regret.
“Sarah—”
She didn’t wait to hear more. He’d said enough to let her know she might have managed again to escape a life of being told what to do and having her decisions denounced as silly or useless. She should have been happy.
It took every bit of her strength to keep from crying while she hurried into the kitchen to check on the kinder. She would hold her tears in until later when she was out of the house and too far away for anyone to hear her weep.
Chapter Sixteen
Go to sleep.
Sarah ignored the gut advice in her head as she turned over her pillow, looking for a cooler surface that would help her fall asleep before sunrise. She needed to be at work before breakfast, because Mrs. Summerhays intended to travel with her husband to New York City first thing in the morning.
It had taken Sarah an hour to calm the kinder after she was sent to tell them that their mamm was leaving them again less than a day after she’d returned from Europe. If Mrs. Summerhays had seen their faces that displayed shock and hurt, would she have changed her mind?
Sarah was no longer certain.
Of anything.
On one hand, it was horrible to have someone you loved stifling your dreams at every turn. It was worse to have someone you loved leave you behind so that person could pursue his or her dreams.
As Mr. and Mrs. Summerhays were with their kinder.
As Toby was with her.
No, she didn’t want to think about Toby. He personified both extremes, going to ridiculous lengths to protect her, though she knew he hadn’t injured his ankle on purpose, and now planning to leave without a backward glance. He’d learned all about leaving from his parents.
This time, her tears refused to be kept in her eyes. They streamed down her cheeks, dampening the pillowcase. She tried to dash them away, but they kept falling.
Throwing aside the quilt on her bed, she sat and rubbed her wet cheeks. She rose and paced the small bedroom. She loved her room. The white maple furniture had been brought from Indiana, and the connection with what had been was important to her.
Such connections were what Toby fought at every turn. How could he believe the way to keep himself from being hurt was to hold everyone at a distance? He seemed to believe an endless parade of little hurts was better than a single powerful one.
Maybe he was right, because she’d been torturing herself with her uncertainty about what she should do with her life. Was it better to make a hasty decision and rip away any doubt like tearing a bandage off a healing wound?
She raised her eyes toward the ceiling. Your will be done, Lord. I know You have a plan for Toby and me, and it isn’t for us to be together. Help me come to accept Your will, but please heal his heart. He is too gut a man to be in such constant pain.
She climbed into bed, knowing she’d poured out everything in her hea
rt and the situation was in God’s hands. As it always had been. Letting go eased the tension aching across her shoulders, so she was able to lie on her pillow.
Sleep refused to give her an escape from her thoughts that went around and around as the carousel had at the fair. Was there something more she could have done to persuade Toby that fleeing from any relationship wouldn’t lead him to where he wanted to be? Maybe he was too used to saying goodbye.
The room was stuffy, but it was too chilly to open the window. At least the summer heat had been banished for the night. Sarah closed her eyes and tried to keep her mind from drifting in a dozen directions.
It seemed minutes later, but it must have been a few hours because the moon had fallen to hide halfway behind the mountains along the western horizon. Its light crossed the foot of Sarah’s bed as her eyes popped open at a horrifying sound.
Sirens!
Fire sirens!
She sat straight up in bed, then ran to her window. Throwing it open, she pressed her ear to the screen. The siren rose and fell again and again, each shriek sounding more frantic.
The siren on the top of the library building in Salem!
A flash of light reached under her bedroom door before vanishing toward the stairs. As she grabbed her robe, whipping it around her, she heard Benjamin urge Menno to hurry.
She opened her door so hard it slammed against the wall. Her brothers paused in astonishment as she burst from her room.
“Where is it?” she called.
Benjamin looked at the pager at his waist. It alerted him when there was an emergency. “The code says it’s east of the village.”
“Where?”
“Along the road to Rupert.” He blanched as the beeper sounded again. “2127 Old Route 153. Isn’t that—”