by Tiana Laveen
“That pen pal thing… you taught me a lesson, right? Pretty fuckin’ funny, huh? You fucked up… That was the wrong thing to do. I don’t trust you anymore, and therapy is over.”
“Aaron, what in the hell are you talking about?” Dr. Owens shouted.
He’d never heard the therapist raise his voice more than an octave or two. This was highly unusual, made him pause… He studied the man intensely, and though his emotions were still a wreck, he could see the forest for the trees.
“You’re tellin’ the truth, ain’t you? You really don’t know.” Aaron cracked a nervous grin, a sense of relief washing over him but with it also came a wave of confusion.
“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Aaron, I’ve only got a few minutes but can talk more in depth with you later so whatever is going on, just tell me and we can address it more perhaps tomorrow.” The guy tossed his pencil down, clearly annoyed.
“That pen pal, the girl I liked, the girl I’ve been talkin’ to…”
“The one you’ve been having phone sex with?”
“You said you weren’t listening?!”
“Well Aaron, I couldn’t very well allow you to—”
“Never mind all that!” He waved his hand frantically in the air. “The point is, she’s not who she says she is.”
“What do you mean? You think she’s a man?” His brow rose.
“No, not sayin’ that. I think she’s black and you might even know who she is… a teacher here… Her name is Mia.”
He didn’t miss the way the doctor swallowed and the color drained from his face.
“Aaron, that’s a pretty serious accusation and it would take some time to discuss it, so how about this…?” The man rose suddenly and swiftly from his seat, looked at the clock on his wall, then back down at him. “I will call you in to reconvene this conversation, but right now, I have some meetings and—”
“Fine.” Aaron abruptly got up from his seat. “That’s fine, Dr. Owens… We ain’t got to talk to about it anymore, actually. I just wanted you to be aware of what went down, then. I know it; now you know it, too.”
“You don’t know any of this for a fact though, correct?”
“Nah.” Aaron smirked and shook his head. “I don’t know any of this for a fact, but I know I’ve been lied to and played with… that much I do know. You ain’t a part of this, so…” He shrugged. “I’m back at the drawing board. Call that son of a bitch to come get me, please.”
“Aaron, we will discuss this later. Abe!” he hollered out loud for the guard. The next few moments, he was led back to his cell and ordered to finish cleaning it up. He did so, loading the garbage bags up with tattered and scented pieces of paper. He filled them with her memory; he filled them with his lust, but he couldn’t rid his spot of her scent…
That sweet, feminine smell…
And it took all of him to try and force himself to hate it, but, he simply could not because, as he learned who he was—gave himself form and new definition—that distinctive part of her had become a part of him, too. And now, they could never part…
IN MY ENTIRE career as a clinical psychiatrist and psychiatric professor, I’ve never encountered a situation such as this in my life…
I’ve used a pen pal system for a multitude of therapies: The sick and shut in, incarcerated males and female populations, children suffering illnesses and in need of a friend, and all sorts of people that benefited from such correspondence. The pen pal treatments have been a success over all, as many have remained friends long after the disease or incarceration was over. In case they didn’t, the separation could bring about some of the worst psychological results I’ve ever witnessed!
Dr. Owens sat there looking at Ms. Mia Armstrong in complete and utter disbelief. He was surprised that he was, in fact, surprised. He surely should not have been, for his initial assessment of her appeared to be far truer than the mind could even fathom. The woman wore lamb’s clothing but was a sly wolf—with good intent of course but intentions meant nothing when one was out on a ‘bad boy’ hunt…
Though he tried to cloak his growing concern by wearing a placid expression and a tilted smile of comfort for her heavy confessions, his heart beat a mile a minute after she finished relaying the details of the dire situation. Several tissues later, the woman regained her composure, and one of the more frightening moments she was completely unaware of: She’d just missed his patient, Mr. Pike, by a mere few minutes.
Aaron had exited like a damn hurricane and before the dust even cleared, she’d tapped on his door. What horrific showdown would have transpired if they’d run into each other? He may have exploded, went completely berserk. Or, he may have stood there with a smile on his face, behaved as if he were not moved in the least. Aaron’s struggle for identity left this sort of thing up in the air. He was far from predictable when it pertained to affairs of the heart. Regardless, the truth was clear…
Mia had done the unthinkable, and she continued her charade until… well, until it was no longer a charade at all.
As he looked at the lovely woman, sitting there in a pair of smoky gray yoga pants, white and gold Reebok shoes, and a V-neck gray and white striped shirt, it was clear that no matter what she wore, make-up or not, she was still unbelievably stunning. Her dark hair was pulled back in a slack ponytail, and her eyes were the color of pink flamingos, watery with grief.
“Mia, it is more than apparent that you feel remorse for being untruthful with Aaron. That’s important because if you did not have much cause for concern, you wouldn’t even be here and I’d have an even worse situation on my hands. We can’t negate the facts, however. You essentially were a catfish. Are you familiar with the term?”
She nodded in understanding as she placed a balled up tissue under her nose once more and took a delicate sniff.
He crossed his legs and clasped his hands together, running through a gamut of ideas on how to address the matter not only with her, but in its entirety.
“Mia, as I do with all of my clients and patients, I offer veracity. I am telling you the following information strictly off the books, because you will need it in order for us to proceed. What I am about to do is unethical, I will be the first to admit this; but, sometimes, when it comes to cases like this, people like me have to take a chance. At this point, it could be a matter of life or death.”
The woman cocked her head and gave him a curious look.
“It is unethical because I am about to divulge some private details to you about Aaron but, as stated, you must know these things going forward, so that we can resolve this issue.”
“Yes, I understand, Dr. Owens, and you have my word I won’t repeat any of it.”
“Good. Only honesty can be used when dealing with people that are suffering from delusions of any sort and many times, my patients in fact do live in an unrealistic world that they’ve created, with impractical expectations. This is more times than not done to protect them from harm. Aaron is one of the few patients I have that truly sees things as they are more times than not. Unfortunately, his realistic nature is a double-edged sword. He tends to cling to negative facts and reality, and dismiss the positive. This is in part due to his high intelligence. Men and women who are extremely clever and bright, such as Mr. Pike, are typically very sensitive to their environments. Whatever is going on when they are children is what will oftentimes become a preoccupation in adulthood.”
“Yes, I understand that. I work with children, as you know, Dr. Owens. The children who have parents that read to them and help with their homework tend to do better in my class. The children that are ignored or yelled at don’t do as well, but the ones that aren’t doing well sometimes are not less intelligent.” She balled her tissue a bit tighter in her palm. “Sometimes they are actually more intelligent; it’s just that no one is helping them, no one is encouraging them.”
“Precisely. Aaron’s environment was not set up to foster creativity and celebration of his more than appar
ent intelligence and, dare I say, resourcefulness. It was ignored and at times made fun of, actually. Thus, Aaron cannot afford the luxury of living in a land of pretend since individuals like him deal with facts and records to figure out things in a timely fashion and strategize. Now, the issue with Aaron is that occasionally, for whatever reason, and it still remains a mystery as to the true motivation, he simply chooses to operate differently, regardless of facts at certain times. He makes a concerted effort to not follow his own script for specific situations.
“This doesn’t match his profile, and it is intriguing to say the least. I have my theories, but they are not important at present. Now, I do not have enough time to psychoanalyze you, Ms. Armstrong, nor did you ask for such a service, but I will tell you this… you’ve possibly done great harm to Mr. Pike in ways that you are completely unable to understand.”
“No, I’m sure that—”
He put his hand up and shook his head.
“No, Ms. Armstrong, with all due respect, you have no idea. You do have a genuine desire to help others, to teach, but you are the one in need of teaching right now.”
She swallowed and looked away.
“Ms. Armstrong, Aaron is—”
“Please call me Mia…”
“Okay, Mia. Aaron is a person who came to me in a very damaged state. I’ve made so much progress with him that I was astounded, quite frankly. I cannot give myself all the credit, however, for he did most of the work; but, the fact of the matter is, he needed direction and for additional doors to be opened. By you suggesting for instance that he speak to a black inmate was also a sense of therapy for him and luckily, the results were not catastrophic, yet, they could have been. You put him in a dangerous situation by doing that.”
“How so?”
“For starters, if he had approached an inmate that had something to prove, he may have engaged in a physical fight with Aaron for doing such a thing—and Aaron knew this. He took the risk anyway. Aaron being spotted speaking to a black person, unless it is a guard, therapist, or other personnel here at the prison, could have him tagged as a traitor and cause him to become not only injured, but killed. He had to be very careful about who he selected and when and where he did it. Aaron is considered a leader in his gang. I call it gang because that’s what it is to me,” he said, pointing to himself. “It is a gang with a cult like mentality and conduct and he helps promote it.
“The problem is that Aaron, in these last few months, has been trying to dissect this conduct and mentality and how he fits into it, if at all. This leaves him vulnerable at the hands of others. He is questioning who he is and why he is doing what he is doing, when previously, he had all of the answers and it was clear to him how he should handle himself and what he should believe. Structure makes Aaron feel safe, Ms. Armstrong. He had none growing up, and he needs and craves it. It was also part of the reason he was attracted to the Socialist Movement.
“There is a clear structure there, away from chaos. When it did become tumultuous, he was put in power to correct it, to make things right again. That is why he was so effective and, in part, respected. As stated, Aaron works with facts and figures and he needs answers. He is solution driven. I purposefully created doubt in his mind by slowly but surely chiseling away at the infrastructure he had built around himself. This was very difficult because he does not allow anyone close enough to do such… but he finally did with me and one other person… you…”
The two glared at one another for a moment or two.
“The problem, Mia, is that when you do not do things in increments with Aaron, and allow him to choose how and when he does things, you run the risk of alienation and reversion. This is why I never forced him to do any exact assignments. Aaron is proactive and will do all of that himself IF and only IF he has the education and curiosity to do such. It was my job to make him curious about it and put the seeds of the desire inside of him. I could not force him, for if you force him, he will simply either resist, or perform and will not have taken the lesson from it. He knows exactly what to do and say to get out of almost any situation as it pertains to things of this nature. If he is not in charge of how and when things occur, he could misunderstand the results and benefits of the experience if something backfires as well. So as you see, he is very complicated, though he appears linear. How anyone deals with him has to be clear and simple, but when dealing with him, the facts of the matter are always more complicated. Additionally, he is secretly attracted to the opposite of what he presents.”
“I… I don’t quite understand the last thing you just said.”
“Mia, Aaron is structure and logic, but he is attracted to art and chaos. He simply doesn’t know it. This ties back into his need to dominate. In other words, he has to feel in control. If he is doing something to make someone else happy, it has to be because he wants to make them happy and it was his idea, at least with respect to how the situation is played out and resolved. Aaron has issues with control. It is a struggle for him because it defines part of who he is. Classification and identification are essential to him yet another part of him loves to write from the heart, which is art. Art is not controllable, Ms. Armstrong. It has been an internal source of conflict for him so he found a way to use it, at least temporarily, to his benefit. He hates that he has this problem, I must add.” He paused and regarded her with a narrowed gaze.
“It is of no surprise to me that he would be attracted to a woman such as yourself, who teaches and writes poetry. You have the same duality that he does; only you embrace yours.”
He didn’t miss the smile on the woman’s face as she nodded in complete understanding.
“Control rules him, but sometimes, he doesn’t want it. Sometimes, he just wants to relax, be calm and live without rules and parameters. But then, if he does, his sense of safety is removed. For him, it’s like jumping off a cliff with no parachute. He will not relinquish one without a replacement ready, willing and able. What you’ve done is made him feel an obligation because he realized he was in love with you. Though he stated to you the experience was positive, now that he suspects the person he has been corresponding with lied about her identification, name, ethnicity and appearance, everything you did and said will be examined and given a negative connotation. The reason for this is because Aaron does not have what we call the racial maturity to be better able to handle this. He suffers from acute xenophobia.”
“Oh my God… I see what you are saying now, Dr. Owens.”
She fidgeted in her seat, undoubtedly realizing she could have undone literally months of hardcore therapy. The anger within him soared at the notion, the damn possibility of all of his effort down the drain…
“At this point, there is no way to put the horse back inside of the barn. He pretty much knows it is you, so unfortunately, I will have to back him into a corner—which could also backfire, but I have no other choice.” He sighed as a migraine overcame him.
“Back him into a corner? This is all my fault!” The woman slammed her fist on the desk as angry tears budded in her eyes. “Dr. Owens, I am so sorry about this! I didn’t… I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I am truly not trying to sit here and pretend to be innocent. I know what I did was wrong; I just had no idea I’d actually have feelings for the man… I promise you that!”
“…I know that you believe what you’re telling me. Ms. Armstrong, motives change over time, even from day to day. We don’t have time to get into all of that; I have to focus on talking to you about Aaron so we can address this, together, as a team.”
She nodded in understanding.
“Now look, Aaron is in flight mode. He is still emotionally attached to you, though. He is able to get himself detached from people by a series of antisocial processes he goes through in order to protect his core. I believe he is able to do this quite quickly, and in this situation, he will get it done as swiftly as possible because of the emotional aspect, which makes him highly uncomfortable. This has just happened, so we h
ave to strike while the iron is hot.”
“What do you suggest?”
“Mia… let me ask you something.”
“Of course.” She leaned slightly forward.
“You said it several times, but I need to be completely certain for my own peace of mind. Do you really love Aaron to the point that you wish to be with him?”
“Yes. Yes I do, Dr. Owens!”
“So, if he were released from prison right this moment, and wanted to be with you, would you do so?”
“Yes, I most certainly would. I know this man, Dr. Owens! Nothing you’ve shared with me just now comes as a surprise. I knew almost all of this; I just could not articulate it the way you have, in a psychological way, I suppose, but I know he is hurt and damaged, I know it… But, he is still very capable of giving and receiving love.”
…You are hurt and damaged too, Mia… Your need to try to alter the ‘bad child’ and ‘bad boy’s’ reality could send you to an early grave, but you desire it nevertheless. You were probably raised in a very religious home, smiled to their faces but behaved sneakily behind closed doors. The true you is a self-appointed savior, but you are attracted to what is dark, perceived as damaged, evil and unlovable… and we both know it…
“Yes, he is quite capable of giving and receiving love and I do not have any reservations about Aaron being in a healthy, monogamous relationship. I think he is the type of person that actually needs one, would benefit from it. He needs to be able to give, as well as an outlet where he doesn’t feel as if he must perform and be judged. Okay.” He sighed and pushed his laptop back a couple of inches. “Very well. Mia, I need to arrange for you and Aaron to spend some time together. I need you to clear your schedule this upcoming weekend to help address this.”
“Yes, of course. Consider it done.” She squeezed the tissue in her grip.
“If I can get Aaron to agree to it, we can try to turn this situation around. I have a rather unorthodox proposal.” He paused, studied her a moment or two, and clasped his hands together. “It will require me to pull in a couple of favors but sometimes extreme circumstances require extreme measures.”