But then one morning something jumped out of Abram Demyanovich’s right eye.
Abram Demyanovich rubbed the eye and suddenly saw daylight. And then something jumped out of his left eye, too, and Abram Demyanovich saw the light.
From that day on it was all downhill for Abram Demyanovich.
Everywhere Abram Demyanovich was in great demand.
In the People’s Committee for Heavy Industry office Abram Demyanovich was a minor sensation.
And so Abram Demyanovich became a great man.
(8 January 1935)
The Fate of a Professor’s Wife
Once a certain professor ate something which didn’t agree with him and he began to vomit.
His wife came up to him, saying – What is it?
But the professor replied – It’s nothing. – His wife retreated again.
The professor reclined on the divan, had a little lie down, felt rested and went off to work. At work there was a surprise for him: his salary had been docked; instead of 650 roubles, he only had 500. The professor ran hither and thither – but to no avail. The professor went to the Director, and the Director threw him out. The professor went to the accountant, and the accountant said – Apply to the Director. – The professor got on a train and went off to Moscow.
On the way the professor went down with ’flu. He arrived in Moscow and couldn’t get out on to the platform.
They put the professor on a stretcher and carried him off to hospital.
The professor lay in hospital no more than four days and then died.
The professor’s body was cremated, the ashes were placed in an urn and sent off to his wife.
So the professor’s wife was sitting drinking coffee. Suddenly a ring. What’s that? – A parcel for you.
The professor’s wife was really pleased; smiling all over her face, she thrust a tip into the postman’s hand and was soon unwrapping the parcel.
She looked in the parcel and saw an urn of ashes, with a message – Herewith all that remains of your spouse.
The professor’s wife didn’t understand a thing; she shook the urn, held it up to the light, read the message six times – finally she worked out what was afoot and was terribly upset.
The professor’s wife was very upset, cried for three hours and then went off to inter the urn of ashes. She wrapped the urn in a newspaper and took it to the First Five-Year Plan Garden, formerly the Tavricheskiy.
The professor’s wife chose the most out-of-the-way path and was just intending to bury the urn, when suddenly a watchman came along.
– Hey! – shouted the watchman. – What are you doing here?
The professor’s wife was frightened and said:
– I just wanted to catch some frogs in this jar.
– Well – said the watchman – that’s all right, only watch it, and keep off the grass.
When the watchman had gone, the professor’s wife buried the urn, trod the earth down around it and went off for a stroll round the gardens.
In the gardens, she was accosted by some sailor – Come on, let’s go for a little sleep – he said.
She replied – Why should one sleep in the daytime? – But he stuck to his guns: sleep and more sleep.
And the professor’s wife really did feel like sleeping.
She walked along the streets and she felt sleepy. People were running all around her in blue, or in green – and she just felt sleepy.
So she walked and slept. And she dreamed that Lev Tolstoy was coming towards her, holding a chamber pot in his hands. She asked him – What’s that, then? – and he pointed to the chamber-pot, saying: – Here, I’ve really done something and now I’m taking it to show the whole world. Let everyone see it – he said.
The professor’s wife also had a look and saw that it seemed no longer to be Tolstoy, but a shed, and in the shed was a hen.
The professor’s wife tried to catch the hen, but the hen hid under a divan, from which it looked out, now in the form of a rabbit.
The professor’s wife crawled under the divan after the rabbit and woke up.
She woke and looked round: she really was lying under a divan.
The professor’s wife crawled out from under the divan – and saw her own room. And there stood the table with her undrunk coffee. On the table lay the message – Herewith all that remains of your spouse.
The professor’s wife shed a few more tears and sat down to drink up her cold coffee.
Suddenly a ring. What’s that? Some people walk in and say – Let’s go.
– Where? – asked the professor’s wife.
– To the lunatic asylum – they reply.
The professor’s wife began to shout and to dig in her heels, but the people grabbed her and took her off to the lunatic asylum.
And there, on a bunk in a lunatic asylum, sits a completely normal professor’s wife, holding a fishing rod and fishing on the floor for some invisible fish or other.
This professor’s wife is merely a pitiful example of how many unfortuates there are in life who do not occupy in life the position that they ought to occupy.
(21 August 1936)
The Cashier
Masha found a mushroom, picked it and took it to the market. At the market, Masha was hit about the head, and there were further promises that she could be hit about the legs as well. Masha took fright and ran off.
Masha ran to the co-operative store and wanted to hide there behind the cash-desk. But the manager caught sight of Masha and said:
– What’s that you’ve got in your hands?
And Masha said: – A mushroom.
The manager said: – Why, you’re a fine one, now! How would you like me to fix you up with a job?
– Oh, you won’t fix me up – said Masha.
– I’ll fix you up here and now! – said the manager. And he fixed Masha up with a job, turning the handle on the cash-till.
Masha turned and turned away on the handle on the cash-till and suddenly died. The police arrived, drew up a report, and ordered the manager to pay a fine of fifteen roubles.
– What’s the fine for? – asked the manager.
– For murder – replied the police. The manager took fright, hastily paid the fine and said: – All right, only take this dead cashier out of here straight away.
At this point the sales assistant from the fruit section said: – No, wait a minute, you’ve got it wrong, she wasn’t the cashier. She only turned the handle on the cash-till. That’s the cashier sitting there.
– It’s all the same to us – said the police – we’ve been told to take a cashier out of here, so we’ll take one out.
The police started towards the cashier. The cashier thereupon lay down on the floor behind the cash-desk and said: – I won’t go.
– Why won’t you go, you silly woman? – said the police.
– You’re going to bury me alive – said the cashier.
The police started to try and lift the cashier up from the floor, but try as they might, they couldn’t lift her, as she was extremely stout.
– Grab her by the legs – said the sales assistant from the fruit section.
– No – said the manager – this cashier acts as my wife. I must therefore ask you not to expose her from the rear end.
– Do you hear? – said the cashier – don’t you dare expose me from the rear end.
The police took hold of the cashier under the arms and dragged and heaved her out of the co-operative store.
The manager ordered the sales assistants to tidy up the store and get business under way. – But what are we going to do with this dead woman? – said the sales assistant from the fruit section, pointing at Masha.
– Good gracious me – said the manager – we’ve made a mess of the whole thing! Well, what in fact are we going to do with the dead woman?
– And who’s going to sit at the cash-till? – asked the sales assistant.
The manager clutched his head with both hands. He sent app
les scattering along the counter with his knee and said: – What’s happened is monstrous!
– Monstrous! – echoed the sales assistants in chorus.
Suddenly the manager scratched his moustache and said: – Ha, ha, I’m not so easily nonplussed. We’ll seat the dead woman behind the till, and perhaps the public won’t realize who’s sitting there.
They seated the dead woman at the cash-deck, stuck a cigarette between her teeth to give her a greater resemblance to the living, and for additional verisimilitude gave her the mushroom to hold in her hands.
The dead woman sat there looking quite alive, except that her facial colouring was very green, and one eye was open, while the other was completely closed.
– Never mind – said the manager – she’ll do.
And the public was already knocking at the doors, highly agitated that the shop had not been opened. In particular, one matriarchal figure in a silk coat was shouting her head off: she was shaking her purse and aiming a back heeler at the door-handle. And behind the matriarchal figure some old woman with a pillow-case on her head was shouting and swearing, calling the manager of the co-operative store a stingy old swine.
The manager opened the doors and admitted the public. The public charged straight to the meat section, and then to where the sugar and pepper were sold. But the old woman made straight for the fish section, and on the way glanced at the cashier and stopped.
– Good Lord – she said – Holy goats!
And the matriarchal figure in the silk coat had already been round every section, and was rushing to the cash-desk. But no sooner had she glimpsed the cashier than she stopped dead, stood in silence and just looked. And the sales assistants also stayed silent and looked at the manager. And the manager peered out from behind the counter, waiting to see what would happen next.
The matriarchal figure in the silk coat turned to the sales assistants and said: – Who’s that you’ve got sitting behind the cash-till?
And the sales assistants stayed silent, as they didn’t know what to say.
The manager also stayed silent.
At this point people came running from all sides. Already there was a crowd on the street. Janitors from nearby houses appeared on the scene. Whistles were heard blowing. In a word, an absolute scandal.
The crowd was prepared to stand there outside the store until evening at least. But someone said that old women were plummeting out of a window on Ozerniy Pereulok. Then the crowd outside the store thinned out, because a lot of people went over to Ozerniy Pereulok.
(31 August 1936)
The Memoirs of a Wise Old Man
I used to be a very wise old man.
Now I am not quite right; you may consider me even not to be at all. But the time was when any one of you would have come to me and, whatever burden may have oppressed a person, whatever sins may have tormented his thoughts, I would have embraced him and said – My son, take comfort, for no burden is oppressing you and I see no bodily sins in you – and he would scamper away from me in happiness and joy.
I was great and strong. People who met me on the street would shy to one side and I would pass through a crowd like a flat iron.
My feet would often be kissed, but I didn’t protest: I knew I deserved it. Why deprive people of the pleasure of honouring me? I myself, being extraordinarily lithe of body, even tried to kiss myself on my own foot. I sat on a bench, got hold of my right foot and pulled it up to my face. I managed to kiss the big toe. I was happy. I understood the happiness of others.
Everyone worshipped me! And not only people, but even beasts, while even various insects crawled before me and wagged their tails. And cats! They simply adored me and, somehow or other gripping each other’s paws, would run in front of me whenever I was on the staircase.
At that time I was indeed very wise and understood everything. There was not a thing that would nonplus me. Just a minute’s exertion of my colossal mind and the most complicated question would be resolved in the simplest possible manner. I was even taken to the Brain Institute and shown off to the learned professors. They measured my mind by electricity and simply boggled. – We have never seen anything like it – they said.
I was married, but rarely saw my wife. She was afraid of me: the enormity of my mind overwhelmed her. She did not so much live, as tremble; and if I as much as looked at her, she would begin to hiccup. We lived together for a long time, but then I think she disappeared somewhere. I don’t remember exactly.
Memory – that’s a strange thing altogether. How hard remembering is, and how easy forgetting! That’s how it often is: you memorize one thing, and then remember something entirely different. Or: you memorize something with some difficulty, but very thoroughly, and then you can’t remember anything. That also happens. I would advise everyone to work a bit on their memory.
I always believed in fair play and never beat anyone for no reason, because, when you are beating someone, you always go a bit daft and you might overdo it. Children, for example, should never be beaten with a knife or with anything made of iron, but women – the opposite: they shouldn’t be kicked. Animals – they, it is said, have more endurance. But I have carried out experiments in this line and I know that this is not always the case.
Thanks to my litheness, I was able to do things which no one could do. For example, I managed to retrieve by hand from an extremely sinuous sewage pipe my brother’s earring, which had accidently fallen there. I could, for example, hide in a comparatively small basket and put the lid on myself.
Yes, certainly, I was phenomenal!
My brother was my complete opposite: in the first place, he was taller and, secondly, more stupid.
He and I were never very friendly. Although, however, we were friendly, even very. I’ve got something wrong here: to be exact, he and I were not friendly and were always on bad terms. And this is how he and I fell out. I was standing beside a shop: they were issuing sugar there, and I was standing in the queue, trying not to listen to what was being said around me. I had slight toothache and was not in the greatest of moods. It was very cold outside, because everyone was standing in quilted fur coats and they were still freezing. I was also standing in a quilted fur, but I was not freezing myself, though my hands were freezing because I had to keep taking them out of my pockets to adjust the suitcase I was holding between my knees, so that it didn’t go missing. Suddenly someone struck me on the back. I flew into a state of indescribable indignation and, like greased lightning, began to consider how to punish the offender. During this time, I was struck a second time on the back. I pricked up my ears, but decided against turning my head and pretended that I hadn’t noticed. I just, to be on the safe side, took the suitcase in my hand. Seven minutes passed and I was struck on the back a third time. At this I turned round and saw in front of me a tall middle-aged man in a rather shabby, but still quite good, military fur coat.
– What do you want from me? – I asked him in strict and even slightly metallic voice.
– And you, why don’t you turn when you’re called? – he said.
I had begun to think over the content of his words when he again opened his mouth and said: – What’s wrong with you? Don’t you recognize me or something? I’m your brother.
I again began to think over his words when he again opened his mouth and said:
– Just listen, brother mine. I’m four roubles short for the sugar and it’s a nuisance to have to leave the queue. Lend me five and I’ll settle up with your later.
I started to ponder why my brother should be four roubles short, but he grabbed hold of my sleeve and said: – Well, so then, are you going to lend you own brother some money? – and with these words he undid my quilted fur for me himself, got into my inside pocket and reached my purse.
– Here we are – he said. – I’m taking a loan of a certain sum, and your purse, look, here it is, I’m putting back in your coat. – And he shoved my purse into the outer pocket of my fur.
I was of
course surprised at meeting my brother so unexpectedly. For a while I was silent, and then I asked him: – But where have you been until now?
– There – replied my brother, waving in some direction or other.
I started thinking over where this ‘there’ might be, but my brother nudged me in the side and said: – Look, they’ve started letting us in to the shop.
We went together as far as the shop doors, but inside the shop I proved to be on my own, without my brother. Just for a moment, I jumped out of the queue and looked through the door on to the street. But there was no sign of my brother.
When I again wanted to take my place in the queue, they wouldn’t let me in and even pushed me gradually out on to the street. Holding back my anger at such bad manners, I went off home. At home I discovered that my brother had taken all the money from my purse. At this stage I got absolutely furious with my brother, and since then he and I have never made it up.
I lived alone and granted admittance only to those who came to me for advice. But there were many of these and it turned out that I knew peace neither by day nor by night. Sometimes I would get so tired that I would lie down on the floor and rest. I would lie on the floor until I got cold; then I would jump up and start running round the room, to warm up. Then I would again sit down on the bench and give advice to all in need of it.
They would come in to me one after the other, sometimes not even opening the doors. I used to enjoy looking at their excruciating faces. I would talk to them, hardly able to stop myself laughing.
Once I couldn’t contain myself and burst out laughing. They rushed in horror to escape – some through the door, some through the window, and some straight through the walls.
Left on my own, I drew myself up to my full majestic height, opened my mouth and said:
– Prin tim pram.
But at this point something in me cracked and, since then, you might consider that I am no more.
(1936–38)
The Plummeting Old Women Page 5