by Silla Webb
Slipping out of my shoes I straighten up the mess, then pad softly through the hallway in search of Carly. Passing by Heidi Jo’s bedroom I see her and Brailee bouncing from one bed to the next in synchronization with the other, while Braden counts the number of jumps they’ve each taken. I think to call them down, but they’re all breathing and nobody’s bleeding, so I pull the door together and continue down the hall.
I press the nursery door lightly, peeking my head in to see Carly rocking Ryleigh gently back and forth. She has her eyes closed with a blissful smile on her face as she hums a lullaby to her precious monkey. My heart swells with an overwhelming happiness for my little sister. I don’t know all the demons she’s faced to get where she is now, but her courage and strength inspire me to continue my own fight. Sensing my presence, she opens her eyes and her smile broadens reaching her eyes. She pats Ryleigh’s tush as she stands and carries her over to the crib to lay her down before tip-toeing from the room.
After giving a stern look to the three wild brats in Heidi Jo’s room, Carly waves me behind her and into the living room. “Coffee?” She asks over her shoulder. I nod, taking a seat on the couch. She returns to the living room, and her eyebrow quirks up in concern. She takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch and pulls the cup to her lips, eyeing me cautiously.
“Ryleigh seems to be doing well, how about Momma?” I ask, trying to dissuade Carly’s curious stare. Ryleigh is about two weeks old and is already spoiled.
“She’s doing wonderfully. It’s still a battle with Colton to have him put her in the crib to sleep. Since I refuse to let her sleep in the bed, he intentionally falls asleep with her on his chest in the recliner each night.” She covers her mouth to stifle back her laughter. “Last night I woke up to an empty bed, so I got up to check on the girls thinking Ryleigh had woke up and I hadn’t heard her. Colton was stretched out on the couch with Ryleigh asleep on his chest and Heidi Jo overlapping his legs. Cereal bowls and a bottle were on the coffee table so I guess when Ryleigh woke up hungry they all decided it was time for a midnight snack.”
“Aww, he loves his baby girls, Carly. At least he let you sleep. Most men wouldn’t even roll over to acknowledge a screaming baby. You’re blessed, Sis. Colton’s a great daddy.” I miss that. That comforting protection of a loving daddy. Josh may have never been the best husband, but an amazing father he truly was. He didn’t always spare much time to spend with the kids, but his eyes always lit up with love and adoration each time he saw their faces or heard the slight mention of their names.
“Very blessed.” Carly replies, proudly. “Colton should be here in a few minutes with dinner.”
“Thanks, Sis, but I’ll get the kids out of your hair and go on home. I appreciate you watching them for me. I know handling two more ain’t no easy task.”
“Ha! What are you talking about? I’m Super Mom. Two more smart mouth kids are no match for me. Did you see how quick they quietened down when I glanced into the bedroom? Y’all are stayin’ for dinner.” She giggles proudly. She does seem to be handling this new mom experience so much better than I expected. I was secretly hoping she’d experienced a meltdown or two at the very least by now.
Just then a loud rumble fills the air and Carly bounces up to her feet to greet Colton by the door. I can’t help to roll my eyes at her. Holy hell woman, you’re married to the man, that first date shit’s done long gone.
Jealousy.
This is not jealousy.
Carly pushes the door open for Colton, taking the pizzas from his hands and planting a kiss on his lips before he even has the chance to cross over the threshold. Eye roll. He kicks his coal laden boots off on the porch, then heads straight towards the bathroom to get cleaned up, tipping his head up in my direction as he passes by.
The screen door pulls open again and Luke steps inside, shoving his hands inside his pockets. He glances over to Carly and says, “No welcome home kiss for me, beauts?” He chuckles, making light of his brazen comment that he’d certainly not have made had Colton not just cleared the room. Carly shoots him that infamous resting bitch face she always seems to keep in place and says, “Sorry ass-wipe, maybe Savannah can help ya out there.” She points in my direction, with a shit eatin’ grin spreading across her face. “Bout the closest your lips will be gettin’ to me is on my ass.” Luke’s surprised eyes fall on mine; he obviously hadn’t noticed I was here. We’re both left picking our slack jaws up from the floor.
“Bitch!” I mutter under my breath in disbelief. Can’t believe she called me out like that.
“What was that, Sis?” She asks, not hiding her laughter.
Luke kicks his boots off, but continues to stand in the entry way with his arm braced along the door frame. He tips his head down as a boyish grin meets his eyes, “Hey sweetheart.”
“Hey.” I call out, making my way into the kitchen trying to hide the tremble of nerves that blanket over me in Luke’s presence. I wish I could shake them away, but they only seem to grow in intensity as time passes. Let me just say y’all, I never dreamed I’d have a crush at the age of twenty eight. But that can be our little secret. I’m sure my feelings are more noticeable than I’d like to believe, but I’m still an unhappily married woman and from the looks of things I will be for a very long, agonizing time.
“What’s that?” Luke’s deep voice startles me and I jump realizing he’s directly behind me.
“What?” I ask sheepishly.
“You muttered something under your breath. What was it?” He asks, inching closer to me. My breath hitches in my throat as he draws closer, and I freeze pressing my hands against the counter. He reaches over me, grabbing a stack of plates from the cabinet.
“You’re too cute, Sav.” He chuckles as he turns to set the table. Cute? CUTE!?! Pretty sure I heard him tell Brailee and Heidi Jo they were cute once. Way to knock my ego down to size, sweetheart.
Luke must catch me talkin’ to myself out loud. He takes two strides towards me, grips my hand in his, and draws it up to his lips pressing a smooth kiss to the inside of my wrist. “Beautiful.” He whispers effortlessly, inching closer to me. “Forgive me?”
My eyes widen in shock, and I jerk my hand from his grasp. His touch is like electricity humming through my body. As often as I find myself curling into his side without thinking, this touch is completely different. Uninhibited, unadulterated, unabashed.
A voice clears, interrupting this awkward private moment between us and I dip my head shamefully. “Y’all need a minute? Because by all means, I don’t give a damn if my pizza gets cold so y’all can playfully flirt in my frickin’ kitchen.” Colton’s brow quirks up as he eyes Luke warily, but Luke pays him no mind.
I pick away at my pizza as the kids ramble on about their day at school. Once they’ve filled their tummies and left the table, Carly turns towards me, shooting me a glance as her great inquisition sets sail. “What did Michele have to say today?”
Blowing out a rushed breath, I can feel a thick heat spread over my cheeks. “Not much for subtleties, are ya Sis?”
“What is there to be subtle about, Savannah? It’s not like we don’t all sympathize with what you’re going through.” And there it is…the kid gloves that everyone carefully slips on while handling me in any situation. I guess it’s well earned, however. At this stage in my life, I’m certain my eight year old daughter has more inner strength than I have.
“First of all, I’m not a fragile porcelain doll. I know everyone is concerned about me, but I really am trying to keep it together.” I lie through my teeth, and I know as soon as the words leave my lips that Carly and Colton may buy it, but Luke doesn’t. “Josh doesn’t want to sign the divorce petition. Not until I visit with him, at least.” Carly huffs out an exasperated breath while Colton’s demeanor shifts into pure rage. Luke’s head dips low as an abundance of mixed emotions flood his eyes. “Michele seems to think it’s a good idea. Gain the upper hand by showing Josh that I’m not fearful of him and he can’t
hold my life in his grip any longer.”
“She’s an idiot. You can’t possibly consider seein’ him, Savannah.” Colton’s voice booms, his shoulders squared tautly and seeing his rage of emotion to keep my family protected makes me feel safer. Static crackles followed by Ryleigh’s soft whimpers. Luke nods to Carly before disappearing through the hall into the nursery.
Carly Jo grips his hand and glances over at me, worry marring her eyes. “Savannah, I agree with Colton. I don’t think you need to be in the same room with him. There has to be other options for getting the divorce finalized.”
Tension throbs in my temple as the stress gnaws at me. I didn’t want to get into this tonight. I was hoping to push it to the back of my mind until I could clear my head and consider all the options. I have to consider what’s best for the kids. “It’s really just all up in the air. I have a fifty-fifty chance that the judge could grant the divorce considering the charges that Josh faces, but he does have every right to fight me. The divorce could take as little as sixty days to finalize, or as long as a few years.” My voice rises an octave and the fear of being held captive by Josh for a second longer strangles the breath from my lungs. “I don’t have years. I can’t. I won’t.” My voice breaks again not able to find the words to even finish my statement. I shove back the chair quickly to walk outside. I need air.
One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. His fingers are so tiny. His little face scrunches up, turning red before he visibly relaxes in my hands and sighs a shaky breath. “Luke, ya alright over there?” Alyson asks, pulling me from the blank trance I’m in.
“Wonderful, honey.” I whisper, barely able to take my eyes from the small life I cradle in my hands. I’m awestruck in absolute astonishment at how one tiny little body can change my entire outlook on life by simply takin’ a breath.
“Luke, you can lay him in the bassinette, or I can hold him.” Alyson says. I’m sure she’s worried about my unusual demeanor, but to be honest I’ve struggled these last nine months coming to terms with the epic changes we were facing. We weren’t prepared to become parents. We’re still young, still tryin’ to get on our feet. Hell, most months we scrape by to pay the rent and knowing we are now responsible for another tiny human life…well that’s just enough to shake the fear from anyone. I can’t tell ya the number of nights I’ve paced the floor filled with worry. But somehow, the moment my eyes met my son’s everything felt right in the world.
Standin’ up, I approached the hospital bed and Alyson opens her arms on instinct, vying to hold our sweet boy. Placing Sawyer in her arms she swaddles him close to her chest, then scoots over allowin’ me room to sit. My lips tug up naturally and I realize that not once has there been in any doubt in Alyson’s eyes. Somehow, I find comfort in knowin’ that although we may struggle with money and we don’t have any experience in the parental department, I know we’ll weather any storm life brings us to, together.
Cradling Ryleigh in my arms, I pat her bottom softly in rhythm to the sway of the rocking chair. She’s sleeping peacefully, soft sighs falling from her lips in her dreamy state. It’s hard to hold true love in my hands, knowing I’m so undeserving of it.
When Carly placed her daughter in my arms the day she was born, fear shook my core. I wanted nothing more than to play it off as if I’d never held a baby and was concerned I’d drop her, but Carly knew better. She could see the grief that washed over my eyes as I held Ryleigh, but Carly has always been persistent in pushing me in the right direction.
“Luke, ya alright in here, man?” Colton whispers, pushin’ the nursery door open.
Keepin’ my eyes locked on the tiny bundle of joy in my hands, I nod my head and whisper quietly, “I’m alright.” For the time bein’.
“Listen, Savannah got upset and took off outside. Carly wants you to go talk to her.”
Sighing, I press a gentle kiss to the top of Ryleigh’s brown curly locks and place her in Colton’s arms. “Alright, man. I’ll go check on her.”
Stepping around Colton, I clear the threshold when he says, “What’s goin’ on with the two of y’all anyways, Ashton?” He asks suspiciously.
Steeling my spine, I keep my back to him and my head hung low. “Just friends, Weston.”
He grunts his disapproval, increasing the pace of his sways. “Ashton, you know she’s broken. I know you mean well, but she’s vulnerable right now and I don’t think she’s thinkin’ with a clear head. Just…”
“Just what, Colton?” I didn’t realize my voice was laced with such anger, but I don’t like the assumption he’s makin’. But then again this is Colton Weston we’re talkin’ about. He may be by best friend, but he’s also a notorious ass.
He stands up and lays Ryleigh in the crib before steppin’ into the hallway. Squarin’ my shoulders I peer down at him and he brushes past me taking heavy steps through the hallway. I follow behind him, curious why he’s bringin’ this shit up. I’ve only tried to protect Savannah since I realized what was goin’ on, and now he wants to make ridiculous assumptions about us.
Savannah has just come inside and is gatherin’ the twins to go home. She looks up at me sadly, not hiding the shame and affliction that’s drownin’ her green eyes. I want to comfort her, but for the sake of argument I keep my distance. She quickly swipes at the stray tears tricklin’ down her face before turnin’ on her heels and leaving without a word.
The moment the flash of her headlights dim into the distance, Colton’s stowed anger reappears with a vengeance. “I don’t know what the hell you’re thinkin’, but I’ll tell ya what I see, Ashton.” His chest rattles as he yells, not caring who can hear or see his rage. “You couldn’t sink your claws into Carly Jo, so you’re attemptin’ the next best thing.” Carly’s jaw falls slack and she starts to yell at Colton but her words fall on deaf ears. “Do you friggin’ realize that she’s fallin’ apart, Luke? Savannah ain’t in the right mind to make any sort of decisions where a relationship is concerned. Hell, she’s still married, and although she’s fightin’ to close that chapter of her life, don’t you think her bed should at least get cold before you try climbin’ your nasty ass in it?” Carly interjects again, this time steppin’ between us. The change in the air is palpable, almost suffocating.
Anger rolls off me in violent waves, and I grit my teeth hard as I fist my hands at my sides. I know Colton’s only tryin’ to protect Savannah, but the accusations he’s makin’ only further rips at my skin. I could react like a dick, but I don’t think there’s enough space in the room for two dicks as ridiculous as he’s actin’.
Steppin’ back to put some space between us I look at Colton pointedly as I speak, my voice steady and calm. “You’re out of line. I’m not gonna stand here and justify my actions to you because guess what, Weston, we’re all,” I cut off momentarily, choosin’ my words carefully, “well, most of us are adults here.” His eyes narrow at my low jab, but I don’t give him the chance to argue. “I understand that you’re concerned for Savannah. But until you’ve listened to her cry herself to sleep at night, or you’ve witnessed the anxiety attacks that she’s experiencin’, then I don’t wanna hear your damn opinion.” Colton’s body remains tense, rigid in his stature. I relax into myself, shakin’ my head to clear it. My voice softens when I say, “Fact of the matter is, Colton, just like when she was havin’ the shit beat outta her – nobody noticed her but me. I’ll never compromise her marriage, I’ll never compromise our friendship. But until you’ve laid so shattered and ripped apart at the seams, then you can’t even begin to understand how she feels.”
Steppin’ around him, I take long strides towards the front door.
“And you understand how she feels?” He asks curiously, tiltin’ his head to the side to study me.
Colton doesn’t know about the demons I battle. Only Carly does. Glancin’ at her, her eyes are filled with tears and her face is weak, but apologetic. “This Carly bullshit you keep wantin’ to stir up – let it die already. I thought
we put that shit behind us. I don’t give it a second thought, but apparently it’s still gnawin’ at you.” I direct at Colton. “Thanks for dinner, beauts. I’ll holler at y’all later.”
Chapter Six
The entry bell chimes alertin’ the staff of a customer. I hear muffled voices exchangin’ conversation, then heavy boots pounding against the floor towards me. Looking up over the thin newspaper, I make eye contact with Colton. Without invitation he slides into the booth, clearin’ his throat as he relaxes against the cool vinyl.
“Mornin’, sunshine. You look awfully cheerful today.” I mock.
“Smartass.” He snaps back at me. “Carly Jo told me I’d find you here.”
Folding the newspaper up, I place it on the side of the table then give Colton a curt nod. “So are you here to get back on her good graces?”
“Man, she’s pissed in the wind at me.”
“Well you didn’t only hit me with a low blow last night. What do ya expect?”
Shruggin’ his shoulders he says, “She said not only was I insensitive towards Savannah’s situation, but I also sliced at healin’ wounds that you needed no reminder of.” He cracks his knuckles, starin’ down at his coal stained hands. “At first I thought she meant y’alls little fling. But when I asked her to explain it to me, she said it wasn’t her story to tell. I realized then she meant somethin’ entirely different.” He looks up searchin’ my face with questionin’ eyes, but I’m not ready to bare my soul to anyone just yet. I was drunk when I told Carly Jo about my family, and although it felt good to release some of the pain I’ve been carryin’, I wish I could take back every word I’d spoke. The look of pity only adds to the guilt I feel. “You know I’m a hot headed son of a bitch, but I shouldn’t have talked down to you the way I did.”