Or maybe it was the easy idealization that comes from a vivid, drug-induced hallucination.
There was a drunk man with his own champagne bottle sleeping against the steel railing; he didn’t wake as they closed the glass doors and Brano lit a cigarette. She watched him inhale, rubbed her arms against the cold, and shook her head.
“You looking very good, Brano.”
“No I’m not. I look old.”
“Like strong old man. Is very attractive.”
The dancing lights from the city blurred in his periphery. He wondered why she had cut her hair like that. Before, it had reached her shoulders, a loose bundle she would tug behind her ear. Now she looked like a little boy. He wondered if he should ask, then wondered how he could wonder such stupid things at his age. Cerny had spelled it out for him. No matter the haircut, she remained what she had always been, from the beginning. A spy. Who met with Russian agents in her apartment. “Don’t lie to me anymore, okay? I’ve had enough of that.”
She furrowed her brow, then relaxed. Then, with effort, she furrowed again. “I not know what you saying.”
It was strange, how easily she lied, how her inept grammar gave the illusion of innocence. “I almost came back here,” he said. “I did. Almost. I almost had the ticket.” He stopped; he was rambling.
“What you mean?”
“I’m not a fool, Dijana. I don’t like being used.”
“What?” Her teeth were gritted behind her lips. “What you say?”
He didn’t answer. He waited. If this was a hallucination, he had a better imagination than he thought.
“Why you are here?”
“Because.”
“Because?”
“Because.”
Her glass was already empty, so she set it on the railing, then smiled thinly—yes, another false smile. “Maybe we have coffee when you not so drunk.”
“I’m not drunk,” he said, but when he turned to the cityscape he almost tumbled.
“I think it not a bad idea I go.”
He looked back at her and, seeing her green-edged eyes again, felt the air leave him. Quietly, he said, “Am I really that stupid?”
“Now—yes.” She squeezed his arm. “But tomorrow, what knows?”
She smiled and leaned forward, her lips brushing his cheek. He could not hear the kiss, but he felt it.
The drunk man was waking up. He slid a little to the left, hanging on the railing. And she was walking away.
Brano wasn’t sure what had happened. He felt an urge to grab her arm, or to shout some stupid lie like I love you—any cheap trick to keep this remarkable illusion a little longer.
Through the terrace doors, Brano watched her glide across the floor, find her coat on a rack, and leave.
“Everyone’s stupid,” said the drunk man. He slid a little more to the left, trying to rise, and knocked Dijana’s glass off the railing. After a second they heard the crash against the concrete patio below.
Brano fought an urge to throw Sasha Lytvyn over the railing as well.
Day 20. The Subject left the party at one in the morning, meeting a taxi by the front gates. This agent followed the car into the center, but it did not take the Subject to his apartment. Instead, he was delivered to the Volksgarten, the Dr. K. Renner Ring entrance. As the park was closed, the Subject was forced to climb over the gate—a difficult maneuver, as the Subject appeared to be very drunk. This agent followed him to the Temple of Theseus, where he circled the structure a few times, then stood in front of the statue and spoke to it. He spoke primarily in his own language, though occasionally he switched to German. Phrases included: “Find a nice girl for me, will you?” and “Paperwork, yes, and a bad conscience.” This agent is unable to make sense of the words.
By three, the Subject had passed out, and this agent carried him to the Hofburg gate, then radioed for assistance. This agent then took the Subject home. He said little on the ride, but did thank this agent for his assistance, asking at his door if he was really alone. “No,” this agent told him. “You’re not alone.”
The Subject seemed very pleased with that answer.
9 APRIL 1967, SUNDAY
•
“You look well, Brano. Not so lonely anymore?”
“I get out some.”
“Sure,” said Ludwig. “It’s good to see. We were a little dismayed by that depressive crap you pulled at first. But we know as well as you that Vienna can be a very alienating place. It’s funny how, the bigger a city is, the more people it has, the more alienating it becomes.”
“Yes. That’s a funny thing.”
“And you know what, Brano? You’re a damn lucky man.”
“I never thought of myself that way.”
“Open your eyes. I once knew a girl in Heidelberg. A beautiful girl. We were going to school together. She was from Amsterdam, over for a few weeks. On her last night we—well, you can imagine. It was dark, the stars were out, I was charming … it was wonderful. Really. I think back, and even after all these years, that girl was the best I ever had. Can you believe it? A nineteen-year-old girl.”
“I can believe it.”
“But then she left. The next day. I was completely and utterly in love, and you know what?”
“What?”
“Her parents had moved while she was gone, so the address and phone number I had were no good. I learned this from the new tenants, but they didn’t know where the family was. I was truly and completely screwed.”
“Is this leading somewhere, Ludwig?”
“I think you know what it’s leading to. Your girl is back. It was obvious to even to our denser associates on Friday that you are still hooked.”
“Then it must be true.”
“Don’t kid me, Brano. You’re a romantic, just like the rest of us. You’ve found her again. Don’t tempt fate by screwing this up.”
“You know what, Ludwig?”
“What’s that?”
“I just might do what you suggest.”
The Austrian raised his whiskey. “I give a lot of useless advice, I know this. But with love I know what I’m talking about.”
“You seem to.”
Ludwig grinned. “Okay, Brano. Enough of that. Tell me what you and the great Filip Lutz have been talking about.”
“A lot of things. Primarily him. He’s got a huge ego.”
“That’s true. But he’s good at what he does.”
“If what he does is being a slanderer.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“He talked about his interviews with exiles. I suspect he embellishes their stories before they make it into print.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Because otherwise you won’t pad his bank account.”
Ludwig’s grin spread over his face and his lips parted to let out one short laugh—Heh. “You really believe that?”
“He’s got a new car, a Fiat.”
Ludwig shrugged. “He’s just a smart capitalist. You know how much longer Lutz thinks your anachronistic system has left?”
“Three years.”
“What do you think of that?”
“I think Filip Lutz is an optimistic man.”
Ludwig crossed his arms over his chest. “You want to take a little walk? It’s a beautiful day.”
Ludwig paid, took the receipt, and gave Brano his hat. They made themselves small to squeeze around the packed tables, and once they were outside, the Austrian asked Brano if he had a cigarette. Brano lit two. As they passed the flags of many nations fluttering in front of the Hotel Sacher, Brano said, “What’s on your mind?”
Ludwig took a drag. “I just wanted to give you some advice.”
“I thought you’d already done that.”
“Not about love, Brano. I want to warn you not to escape anymore.”
“We’ve been through this, haven’t we?”
Ludwig didn’t say anything until they had turned onto Kärtner Straße. “It’s diffe
rent now. You have to realize that when I picked you up and then gave you that apartment, I did it of my own accord. My associates have never made a secret of their disagreement.”
“What do they want you to do?”
“They don’t care what deals I’ve made. They want you in prison, Brano. And they don’t want you to ever come out.”
“I see.”
“I’m not sure you do.” Ludwig tossed away his half-smoked cigarette. “I’ve had a few poor years in the service. Some mistakes have been mine, others were my responsibility. And when you eluded us a couple weeks ago, my associates reminded me of each mistake. I’ve had to fight hard to maintain our deal, to keep you out of prison. But if you leave again, it will be out of my hands.”
“And what about you?”
“What?”
“What happens to you?”
Ludwig frowned. “There’s an open desk in Accounting—I’ve been told this more times than I’d like to remember.”
“Oh.”
The Austrian patted Brano’s shoulder. “Just go see your girl and get out of my hair, okay?”
Brano caught the number 38 tram north to Döblinger Hauptstraße, got out, and paused, looking up. Hers was the concrete tower near the corner, up from the train overpass. It was noticeably plain in a city of Habsburg baroque. He waited with a small crowd for the light to cross the street. Once he reached her building, he glanced back as the sunburned man sneezed into a handkerchief. Brano entered the building.
On a panel were three strips of buzzers above a speaker grille, FRANKOVIĆ halfway down the last row. He pressed it and waited.
Through the glass doors behind him, the sunburned man took a small 35 mm camera from his trench coat and brought it to his eye.
“Ja?” said the speaker. “Wer ist da?”
He opened his mouth.
“Hallo?”
“Dijana?”
A pause. Then his language. “Is you?”
“Pa da,” he said.
The door buzzed, and he pushed through.
He couldn’t remember if she was on the third floor or the fourth, so he took the stairs instead of the elevator, recalling the last time he’d taken these stairs, in August, following as she walked in her tight, flesh-colored pants, one hand reaching back, holding his. But unlike then, his knees tingled, and he couldn’t tell if he was moving fast or slow until his quick, shallow breaths began to make him dizzy. His palms were dripping.
On the third floor, he heard her voice from above. “Brani? You is there?”
He galloped the next flight to find her in her doorway, pink-cheeked, wearing jeans and a black turtleneck. Self-consciously, she pushed dark hair behind an ear, but, trimmed short, it wouldn’t stay.
Somehow, he had forgotten that she was taller than he. Her hesitant smile, which brought out a dimple, was glued to her face as she kissed his cheeks. He wanted to squeeze her entire body but was afraid that would scare her.
“So you really are here,” he said.
“We talked, no? You was too drunk to remember?” Even her high voice seemed different.
“I thought maybe you were a hallucination.”
“Well, I’m not,” she said, then cocked her head. “You stop writing. I don’t know how is your life.”
“Things didn’t go well for me back home. I thought it was a good idea to leave.”
“To come here.”
“To leave,” he said. “And what about you? How are the cards?”
For an instant, she didn’t understand. Her eyebrows came together, and her lower lip rolled out. Then she smiled. “Oh, tarot? No, no, Brani. I’m not do that anymore.”
“Why not?”
She laughed. “You want we go in?”
He laughed, too, easily, relieved.
Her apartment was airy, with wood floors and old, heavily padded furniture. Essentially the same as August, except for a new beige chair, where, with one knee propped up to support an acoustic guitar, sat a young man with a mustache and blond curly hair long enough to cover his ears. He nodded at Brano.
Brano nodded back.
“Wolfgang,” said Dijana as she walked on to the bathroom. “Introduce yourself to my boyfriend.” She said this in German.
Wolfgang’s face shifted, as if the bones beneath his skin had moved. He leaned the guitar against the arm of the chair, stood up, and stuck out a hand. “Grüß Gott.”
“Grüß Gott,” said Brano.
Wolfgang settled back down, opening a hand toward the sofa. Brano sat. They said nothing, half-smiling and listening to Dijana run water in the bathroom, humming. When she reappeared, she smiled at Brano. “You like my boyfriend?” she asked Wolfgang.
The young man stood up. “So I guess today’s lesson is cut short, Dee?”
Dijana nodded sternly. “Pa da.”
The men shook hands again, and Dijana walked Wolfgang to the door, closed it after him, and turned to look at Brano on the sofa.
He didn’t say anything at first, because her long body seemed unapproachable. There were so many things that Brano, the zbrka rising again, did not understand. He didn’t understand how he could be here in her apartment—how he ever could have been given access; he didn’t understand why she had sent away her handsome friend for him. He didn’t understand how she could be looking at him in that way. He supposed Cerny had always been right, and she was a spy. What else could explain her desire for an old man with a cold heart? But right now—right now, he didn’t care.
She squatted beside him. “Wolfgang, he manage the bar where I work. Jazzklub Abel, on other side of canal, at Große Mohrengasse. Maybe you hear of it?”
Brano shook his head.
“Easy work, I wait the table.” She shrugged. “A real job, no? But I like people what is there. Musicians. Folk music. You like?”
“I don’t really know it.”
“Wolfgang, he teach me guitar. Just little. And I’m thinking maybe it’s not bad idea I learn to sing. What you think?”
She smiled hugely, waiting for his approval. He couldn’t say anything for a moment, because she was here, finally, with him. She smiled a lot—he’d forgotten that—and her teeth were large and clean and straight. He felt like he’d been drinking, but he hadn’t been.
“I think it’s a great idea, Dijana.”
“Dobro,” she said. Good.
“And you’re finished with the tarot cards?”
She nodded seriously.
“Why?”
“Because it’s silly,” she said, standing again. “That’s something what you know. Okay, I thought maybe there is something in it. You know. Something like truth. But I change a lot since August. Da. First you come. Then Bertrand die. And tarot, it seem … I don’t know. Stupid. Wolfgang, he say to me about tarot, You know, Dijana, that is old world. Is true. This is new world.”
“You’re brand-new.”
“And my hair?” Hesitantly, she touched it. “You like my hair?”
“I love it,” said Brano.
They talked, and Brano slowly readjusted to the peculiar rhythms of her speech, the forgotten flow of her thoughts. She laughed regularly, and while in his career he often associated laughter with nervousness, this was not the case with Dijana. She simply found more things in this world funny than he did.
As she told him more about her life, the job, the music, the friends, and even her developing interest in Buddhism, Brano realized that they were just as unlike as before, perhaps more so. Her evenings were spent in smoky music clubs discussing political hymns and peace marches and mysticism. His evenings were spent planning his survival. And she was young—even Cerny had pointed this out. A woman in her midtwenties was still jumping around the spectrum, trying to find something that would settle her nerves and guide her through the zbrka of modern life. She had left her own country behind, which only added to her need. The tarot cards hadn’t done it, so now she was throwing herself into the world of popular music and Eastern religion. That, no
doubt, would not satisfy her either, and she would be faced with more years of dissatisfaction.
He watched her face as she explained to him the idea behind reincarnation, and to avoid making an expression that betrayed his real opinion, he stopped listening and noticed how her cheeks puffed up when she spoke, her fingertips tapped the table, and her neck, just visible above her turtleneck, was very pale.
“You know what?” she said.
“What?”
“You listening to anything I saying.”
He remembered that that night in August she had often confused “anything” with “nothing.” He laughed, then she laughed. “You’re right,” he said.
She stood up. “Is okay. But you must to go now.”
“Go?”
“Pa da. I have things I must to do.”
He patted his thighs and stood up, warmth rushing to his face. He started to look for his coat but realized he’d never taken it off. She walked him to the door. “Really, you are here?”
“Really, I am.”
Then she reached her arms around him, squeezed, and kissed him on the lips. She tasted of chewing gum, but he hadn’t seen her using any. Her lips parted, and he felt her large, strong teeth against his tongue, then her tongue entered his mouth. He held her tight until she let him go.
“I not drunk this time, dragi. Yes, but not now, okay?”
“Sure,” he said, nodding dumbly. “But when?”
“I just—” she began. “Only not so fast. Okay?” When she smiled again her shoulders settled.
Then she closed the door.
When he left the building, Brano spotted the sunburned man putting away his camera. Brano caught his eye by waving and, inexplicably, blew the man a kiss.
10 APRIL 1967, MONDAY
•
Brano knew a little about the Committee for Liberty in the Captive Nations. Their primary work was using tourists to smuggle pamphlets and Beatles records into the East, where they tended to litter the corridors of the Hotel Metropol. Among the groups devoted to ending the communist experiment, they were low on the list of priorities. They were, like most êmigrê groups, more style than substance, only platforms to be heard from, because their new countries never listened. And so they spoke to their own kind, received applause, and returned to their empty apartments rejuvenated. The Committee was different in that it was formed not by exiles but by American Christian fundamentalists who plucked their workers from the exile communities.
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