“OK.”
We went over to him.
“Did you know there’s a group of racists meeting in this building?” Matthew asked.
The man took a puff on his fag – he looked hot and tired.
“Is that right? Yeah, actually I believe it. They’ve had stuff like that here before. They say it’s legit but you should hear the punters in the bar afterwards. They come out with some evil shit.”
“Can you let us in? We’re trying to find out what they’re doing.”
He looked from Matthew to me then shook his head. “Sorry. If they find out it was me I’ll get the sack.”
“Someone in there might have killed my boyfriend,” I said.
His eyes widened. He rubbed the fag out on the wall. “In that case…” He pushed open the door and gestured for us to go inside. He led us through a large kitchen and pointed to the stairs at the end of the corridor. “Up there, turn right and down the end, it’s the last room on the left. Be careful.”
We got to the next landing and crept along the carpeted corridor until we came to the last door. It was large with a brass doorknob.
Matthew whispered, “When I open it we go straight in. Keep a look out for the two in the picture. I’ll try to get a photo.”
By then my heart was pounding and my mouth was dry. The reality of what we were about to do was sinking in. I wanted to turn and run down the corridor.
Matthew put his hand on my shoulder and mouthed, “We’ll be fine,” then he turned the knob. We crept in.
Light was coming from a screen at the front. The room was packed with people watching a film. We stood with our backs against the wall. No one seemed to notice our presence.
Images of black people, faces of suicide bombers, pictures of blood on the ground, a black man holding a knife, all these flickered across the screen. The voice-over was listing how many white people had been killed and how many more were going to die. In between was loud music with crashing cymbals. My stomach was starting to churn with fear. The sides of the room were dark but as my eyes got accustomed to it I could make out flags with the cross of St George. On one wall, to my shock, was a swastika.
Someone shouted, “Who the fuck are you?” A second later the lights flashed on, heads turned to look. A sea of white faces staring. I shrank against the wall as if trying to push myself through it. For a moment nobody moved then someone made a grab for Matthew. A voice at the front yelled, “Get them out.”
Matthew was shouting, “Fascists. We know who you are, murderers. You can’t hide from us.”
I was scanning faces and saw a man with short brown hair who could be the one in the photo. He turned and noticed me and we stared at each other. A man grabbed my arm and started dragging me backwards.
“Get your hands off,” I shouted but he tightened his grip.
“This is a dangerous place for you, black bitch,” he hissed in my ear.
Two men were pushing Matthew out of the door. In the corridor they shoved him up against a wall and began thumping him. I screamed at them to stop, trying to get away from the one holding me but he put both arms round my waist and I could feel his hot breath in my neck. My mind filled with terror. Then a second later I kicked him hard on the shin. He swore and let go. One of the other men was about to throw a punch at Matthew so I grabbed his arm. Matthew shoved the other, took hold of my hand and we ran, back down the stairs and through the kitchen. The chef wasn’t there so we pulled open the back door, raced down the road and dodged into an alleyway opposite. We were both panting like crazy, Matthew was holding his stomach and groaning.
“Shit, the bastards, are you OK?”
“I think so. Are you?”
He felt his ribs. “Yeah, don’t think anything’s broken. Thanks for wading in.”
My arm was throbbing. I leant against the wall trying to stop my legs shaking.
“I’m really sorry I got you into that,” he said.
I was crying but I was furious too.
“That stuff they were showing. It made me feel sick. Jimmy was there – he looked up when I called his name. I wanted to get a photo but one of them grabbed me,” I said.
“I saw Chris, so that means they’re both involved. The bloke at the front must be the new leader. I’ve not seen him before but I’d recognise him again. He was with some bloke who looked Scandinavian.” He straightened up and grimaced. “That hurt, the fuckers.” Then all of a sudden he laughed.
Like it was some kind of a game.
23
JIMMY
There was noise at the back of the room. Lights flashed on. I turned and saw bouncers wrestling a man.
He was shouting. “I’ve got pictures of two of you, Chris and Jimmy, the night my mate was killed. Murderers!” He screamed as the bouncer twisted his arm, trying to shut him up.
I stood up trying to see who it was and saw a black woman. She was over my side of the room, scanning faces. For a moment our eyes locked then one of the security guards grabbed her.
Tyler was calling people to order.
“Keep calm, everyone, the situation’s under control.”
People were sitting down. The film was frozen on the screen, a close-up of a black man’s face, twisted in anger. Chris was heading over to my side of the room. I had to play innocent.
“Fucking reds trying to break up the meeting,” I said.
“How did they know our names?”
“I dunno, never seen them before. I thought the security in this place was tight.”
“It should be. Keep your head down, don’t let anyone see you’re bothered.”
“We’ll start the film again in a minute when we’ve secured the building,” Tyler called out. Then he beckoned us over. He didn’t look pleased.
“Who the hell were they?”
“I don’t know, sorry,” I said. Chris shook his head.
“We can’t have anything jeopardising the project. Get after them, make sure it never happens again.”
“We will. I promise you won’t hear any more about it,” Chris said.
“That better be the truth,” Tyler said.
“Right, let’s get after them, find out who they are,” Chris said, pulling on his jacket.
I wanted to delay things. If it was the same people who were harassing Shelley it would all come out about the scarf.
“I’m desperate for a piss.”
“For fuck’s sake, Jimmy. Get on with it then.”
By the time we got outside the two of them had disappeared.
“Someone must have tipped them off about the meeting. Have you been talking to that girlfriend of yours?”
I had to deflect attention away from Shelley so I said the first thing that came in my head.
“I think Liam might know something.”
Chris was looking at me with a weird expression. I should have kept my mouth shut but now I’d said it I’d have to make up some story.
“I haven’t said anything but he’s clever… Maybe he overheard me on the phone to you.”
“We haven’t talked on the phone. You must have been shooting your mouth off.”
“I told you I’ve kept quiet.”
24
VALERIE
We were still in the alleyway when we heard voices. I looked out. Chris and Jimmy were twenty metres away, heads close together, talking. All the anger that I’d been holding down welled to the surface. Without saying a word I turned out of the alley and began walking towards them.
“What are you doing?” Matthew called after me, panicking. I didn’t answer. I was getting close. They turned and saw me and for the first time I got a good look at them. Their faces bleached by the streetlamps – Chris’s round and bloated, Jimmy’s thin and young-looking.
The
y looked at me as if they couldn’t believe I was there. I stopped when I was a few yards away.
“Who murdered my boyfriend?”
There was a moment’s silence. Time seemed to stand still. I felt as if I was watching myself on a film. An expression of fear crossed Jimmy’s face like a shudder then Chris laughed. Loud and false.
“Ha, ha, we’ve got a comedian that breaks into buildings. You stupid or what, you think we’re telling you anything?”
Jimmy opened his mouth, like a fish looking for air. “You’re talking shite. We don’t know anything about no murder.” He was leaning against the wall in an attempt to be casual. His eyes were very dark. He looked fragile. Behind him the water from a drainpipe was dripping down the bricks making a line of green algae. At that moment I knew he was covering up for Chris.
Matthew caught hold of my arm. “Valerie, let’s go.” I pulled away.
I said, looking only at Jimmy, “I think you should tell me what happened.”
Chris was coming towards me, arms at his sides, flexing his fists. “And I think you should fuck off before you end up like your boyfriend.”
Matthew got hold of my arm again and this time I didn’t shake him off.
“It’s alright, we’re going,” I said.
Jimmy pulled himself away from the wall and stood close to Chris.
“Yeah, fuck off. We’ll let you go this time, but next…”
I took one more look at them, imprinting their faces on my memory and then turned and walked away, Matthew beside me. We walked in silence for a minute.
He turned back once. “They’re not following. That was mad. And brave.”
“It was them who did it. Chris practically admitted it and Jimmy’s scared.”
Underneath the vicious swaggering I’d seen the soft belly of fear.
25
JIMMY
Chris reckoned we’d scared them off but I knew he was wrong. The woman was crazy. She looked at me as if she could see right inside. I kept my door double-locked when I was at home and didn’t answer my phone unless I was sure who it was.
I promised Chris I’d warn Liam off because otherwise he was going to do it himself but me and him still weren’t speaking and if I said anything it was going to make it worse so I did nothing. Everything was fucked up, plus, since Shelley had gone off I was single again.
That night I called Danny and we went to a club. A girl on the dance floor was giving me the eye. She was pretty; long blonde hair, sexy-looking. I went over and did some moves in front of her, she giggled and said something to her mates, then started dancing up against me.
“My name’s Marie,” she said, into my ear. The way she said it gave me a hard-on.
I was drinking straight vodka instead of my usual lager. Me and Marie were chatting and messing around on the dance floor for a few hours then she asked me back to hers. I said yes. Before we’d even got to the taxi place we were against a wall and she was kissing me. Suddenly Shelley’s face flashed before me and I pulled away.
“What’s the matter?” she said.
“I’m not in the mood, sorry, nothing to do with you, maybe another time.”
She looked angry. “Do you think I’m going to sit around waiting until you decide you want me? Grow up.” Then she turned and marched off towards the taxi rank. I thought about calling after her but didn’t. I must have been more cut up about Shelley than I thought. She got in a cab; when it passed she’d already turned her face away.
Next day I had a banging head. I’d forgotten that always happened when I drank spirits. I just got to the bathroom before I threw up. Back in my room I lay down and went straight back to sleep. Sometime later I was woken by my mobile ringing somewhere in the room and remembered I was meant to be starting a new job with Ray. I let it ring and stayed in bed, sleeping off and on, like I’d been drugged.
26
VALERIE
Matthew called round next day. “I tried to phone a couple of times but you didn’t pick up. I’m sorry you got mixed up in that, it was too dangerous,” he said, sounding worried which sort of surprised me.
“It’s alright, we survived, didn’t we?” I gave a half laugh.
“You’re a strong person, Valerie.”
He didn’t know how I’d lain awake after the confrontation, my body rigid with terror, seeing their faces over and over again, each time more ugly and more malevolent. He didn’t know about my decision to give up acting. He didn’t know I felt like nothing.
“Did you go to the doctor?”
He shook his head. “They’re just bruises. I didn’t want them asking questions about how I got them, same with the cops. We kind of broke into the building.”
He sat on the sofa, in the same position that Anton had been the last night he was there. I was thinking about how beautiful he’d looked then and how happy I’d been.
Matthew interrupted my thoughts, “Would you like to go out for a drink with me sometime? Not to that same wine bar though,” he said and laughed.
I came back to the present, trying to take in his words.
He looked hopeful, pleased with himself.
“Are you asking me out?” Anger was welling up inside. “After all that’s happened, do you think I’d go out with you, with anyone,” I could hear my voice getting louder, “so soon after Anton’s been murdered? I thought you were trying to find out who killed him and all along it’s because you fancied me.”
His face was really pale, like he was frozen.
“It’s not like that Valerie. I’ve got to really like you, that’s all. I do know how much he meant to you.”
I wanted to cry and scream across the huge gulf that was between us. He’d never understand what it was like to have ancestors who’d been kidnapped, chained, sold, tortured, murdered. He’d never know the feelings that run deep into history, bodies and minds continuing to remember the trauma. I didn’t know him well enough to try to explain and now I never would know him any better.
“If you understood anything you wouldn’t have asked.”
“Sorry if I upset you. I better go.”
He got up and went to the door. He opened it then felt in his pocket and brought out a piece of paper.
“I forgot this. Jake found out where Jimmy lives, don’t ask me how. Do you want it?”
I stretched out my hand and took it to make him go away though I didn’t know what I’d do with it.
After he’d gone I lay on the floor and stared at the ceiling. I wanted to disappear completely, to retreat back to where I’d come from, back to the tiny seed I’d been. From there I could choose not to be born. I didn’t want to kill myself but at that moment I didn’t want to be in the world.
* * *
I couldn’t tell Renee about the confrontation with Jimmy and Chris, or about Matthew. It would just confirm everything that she feared. I felt lost. Nothing seemed to make sense. I wouldn’t miss Matthew but him going meant I was face to face with the bleakness of my life.
I pulled on my coat and hat and went out with no clear idea where I was heading. I got on the first bus that came along, a number 53. It went past where Mr Thomas lived. I knew I wanted to see him. I should have phoned first but hoped he wouldn’t mind if I just turned up.
When he answered the door he looked surprised then pleased.
“Hello Valerie, come in, nice to see you.”
We went into the kitchen, which seemed a more intimate place than the living room. The walls were painted a sort of pinky-orange. The boiler hummed loudly. The window looked over the next garden. Someone had hung their washing out, a white shirt, the arms waving in the wind.
“I’ll make some tea,” he said, and put the kettle on.
We sat opposite each other at the small table.
“How are you?” I
said.
There was a pause then gradually he started to talk.
“I just exist. I think of him every day. Sometimes I speak to him, about ordinary things, but still…” He paused and I nodded, wanting him to continue. “I didn’t realise how much space he took up, the world seems shrivelled without him.”
It was as if he too had shrunk, his cheeks were hollow; he looked less like Anton than before. The boiler stopped humming for a moment and there was silence then he said, “And how are you?”
It was OK talking to him. He would understand.
“Nothing seems to make sense and the world looks ugly. As if no one cares about anyone else.”
“It’s hard, coming to terms with such a terrible thing, how can the world make sense after that? Perhaps you have more grieving to do.”
He looked so sympathetic that I started to cry. He didn’t try to stop me.
“Was it like this when your wife died?” I said, when I could speak again.
“I missed her deeply of course but Anton was so young and there was no warning. Plus there is someone to blame, not just death.”
“Do you think it’ll be easier when the person is caught?”
His expression changed. “Maybe but I am not interested in revenge. I don’t agree when people say we should bring back the death penalty. It’s not the answer. What I want is for the guilty person to see that, not only have they taken away my boy’s life but also they’ve hurt many people. They have also scarred themselves; if they could acknowledge that…”
After he’d spoken we sat in silence for a while. We drank more tea and I noticed how close I felt to him.
“Tell me how the acting is going,” he said. “I remember Anton saying that you loved Shakespeare. My favourite is King Lear.”
I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me so I didn’t tell him I’d given it up, instead I said I was waiting for the right role to come along.
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