“You’re not still going to be here. You have other options.”
“My family doesn’t have a ton of money. You know that. I don’t know if I’ll be able to swing college. Even with scholarships and loans, I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’re not going to.”
But even I understood that the likelihood of them staying together through Aiden in the Naval Academy wasn’t very realistic.
“Couldn’t you go to college somewhere else? Somewhere closer? Chloe told me the LGBTQ community at the University of Iowa, where her mom works, is really amazing. It’s not here, but it’s close and—”
“Chloe? Chloe Donnelly?” Aiden bit off, his good-looking face going cruel like I’d seen Cam’s sometimes do. “The girl who’s blackmailed me into playing a dumb game? The one who threatened my entire future? That Chloe?”
A weight dropped in my stomach as scenarios spun around in my brain. Chloe and her games. Was she playing Josh too? Trying to break him and Aiden up? I couldn’t stand the thought of it. It made me want to scream and scratch her eyes out.
I couldn’t listen to this anymore. I backed away, stumbling when my leg bumped one of the bikes and making my location obvious, but it didn’t matter. Aiden and Josh were too loud to hear me.
“It’s not like she’s wrong, though,” Josh argued. “Iowa City is progressive. And close enough to Grinnell that we could see each other every weekend. We could be together.”
“I’m going to the Naval Academy. This isn’t up for discussion. You can stand by my decision or not, but I’m not giving up everything because of something Chloe Donnelly told you,” Aiden countered.
I froze where I stood, unable to walk away even as I felt like the worst human being ever for witnessing this. Josh stood with his hands fisted at his side, looking more wrinkled and out of sorts than I’d ever seen. “No, you’re not giving up everything. Just me.”
Then he turned and strode away. Aiden jerked both hands through his hair and swore for a full forty-five seconds before stalking off after Josh.
Hatred for Chloe Donnelly and the lives she’d been playing with coursed through me. She was horrible, an example of the absolute worst kind of girl—selfish, mean, and uncaring about people’s futures. My phone pinged with a text from Mateo.
I saw Chloe heading toward the basketball courts on East Campus. You okay?
Yep.
I wanted to ask him if he talked to her, but I didn’t really want to know. Not over texts when I couldn’t see his face. I needed to find her and end this.
18
I headed back toward the field in front of the Harris Center, the sadness over Aiden and Josh’s fight getting mixed in with my anger at Chloe Donnelly. This dumb game. My phone clock read a little after nine. Still almost an hour until we were supposed to meet back up. I was exhausted from all that had already happened that night. I passed the Harris Center, ignoring the shouting and music pouring out from some big campus party, and made my way across the tracks toward the basketball court, the bright lights from the Bear glowing from the other side of the street. I felt like I needed an hour-long shower without Nan or Pops saying anything about it. I waffled again between bailing and finding Chloe Donnelly, but I kept remembering Mateo’s face and the way he said she would use us against him. I wanted her to know without any doubt that this was over.
I veered a little north to step under a street lamp, pulling out my phone to send Mateo a text asking if he wanted to help me look for her, but before I could, I noticed two figures on the side of Rathje Hall, the northernmost East Campus dorm. The couple was half in shadow but hard to miss from where I was standing—a guy grinding into a girl against the outer wall. I took a step closer. It looked awkward as anything, him trying to hold her up and bend his knees at the same time. It couldn’t be comfortable. I leaned forward and peered into the shadows. Then I realized why he was bending his knees.
I slammed my eyes shut. They were having sex. Sex! Outside. Against a wall. I peeked out of one eye. God. Gross. Who did that kind of thing? I never wanted to go to college if it was all sex against the sides of buildings or being too wasted to remember a guy’s name when you were going to his dorm. Jesus, what was wrong with people?
Then I heard the girl’s voice. “That’s all? Really? I expected you to last a little longer, Cam. But I guess you didn’t realize me coming was part of the deal. I probably should’ve been clearer up front.”
Holy crap. Cam. And Chloe Donnelly. Outside. Against the wall of a dorm.
Oh. My. God.
“I would’ve lasted longer if I didn’t have to hold you up.”
“Well, if you want my letter, you’re going to need to work harder. Do a good enough job and maybe I’ll even give you our word. But I’m not giving you anything if I don’t come.”
If she didn’t come? As in, have an orgasm against the outer wall of a dorm? What in the very hell? Who talked like this? This wasn’t male-stripper-movie giggling in the media center, or me and Eve wondering about labia piercing, or even admitting I might have accidentally had an orgasm with my loofah, this was a girl demanding a guy make her come—while having sex against the side of a building! I was so not prepared for this. It was the most horrifying thing I’d ever witnessed and made all my ambivalence about sex ratchet up to infinity. Chloe Donnelly was terrible. She was like a thirty-year-old in the body of a seventeen-year-old girl. We were out in the cornfields and a little behind the times, for sure, but I couldn’t believe that Chicago had given her this level of experience. Work harder. Ick.
Cam laughed. “Jesus, you’re a bitch.”
“Uh-huh. A bitch who has something you want tucked in the strap of my bra. So get with the program.”
My skin crawled. I tried to turn away but couldn’t. I fumbled with my phone to call Mateo and tell him I was quitting. Now. I needed out of there, but it was as if my whole body were frozen in ice. On the outside of everything, watching. It was too much and still I couldn’t look away. Cam on his knees with his head under Chloe Donnelly’s flowy skirt and one of her legs up on his shoulder. Was that how guys did oral? I blinked a bunch of times. This was gross. I was gross for looking. This had nothing to do with me. I needed to turn away and go home. Someone inside the dorms switched on some music loud enough to get me to unfreeze and turn away, but before I could escape, I heard running from along the sidewalk.
“What in the hell are you doing?” a voice shrieked, and I flinched.
Holly, with Eve right behind her. Oh God. I wished I could disappear, but still my dumb legs wouldn’t move. Holly raced forward and pulled an already-shifting Cam backward and away from Chloe Donnelly. Then Holly whirled on her and slapped her, the crack resonating so loud that even the music pumping from inside the dorm didn’t cover it.
For a brief second I internally cheered at the shocked look on Chloe Donnelly’s face, but then I wondered why Cam wasn’t being slapped. Cam, who was stumbling up from his knees after doing oral on Chloe Donnelly in order to get her dumb letter. Cam, who’d hooked up with three different girls in a week.
Eve moved to tug Holly away from Chloe Donnelly, but as soon as she did, Chloe Donnelly struck back, a deep scratch forming on Holly’s cheek. My feet uncemented and I ran forward, stepping between Chloe Donnelly and Holly, and gripping Chloe Donnelly’s shaking shoulders with my stubby fingernails.
“He’s my boyfriend, you stupid bitch,” Holly shrieked.
Chloe Donnelly looked over my shoulder and glared at her. “You can keep him. He bones like a thirteen-year-old virgin and can’t give head to save his life.” Then she shook me off and turned to Cam. “You’re not getting my letter after that weak-sauce performance.”
Cam sneered at her. “You taste like old Miracle Whip. I wouldn’t lick your vag again if I won platinum favors from every girl in school.”
I spun and shoved his shoulder, wishing I was brave enough to slap him. “What is wrong with yo
u? You’re disgusting. You’re a complete waste of space. Stop talking. Stop messing with girls. Do something with your pathetic life.”
Cam narrowed his eyes at me, then looked at Holly and Eve and Chloe Donnelly. “You’re all dumb bitches. None of you are worth the steam of my piss.”
“Cam,” Holly cried—cried!—as if she wanted him to stay, to still be her boyfriend. As if him walking away from her wasn’t the best possible thing that could happen to her.
Cam shook his head and stalked off. From behind I saw him scrub his mouth with one hand while he lifted his other hand high and flipped us all off.
I turned back to Chloe Donnelly. “We’re done with Gestapo. None of us wants to play anymore.”
Chloe Donnelly crossed her arms, rings on her left hand glinting as she drummed her fingers against her bicep, way too relaxed and practiced. “You don’t, huh? Are you sure about that?”
“Of course we’re sure. The game has turned terrible. All of this is terrible. We’re done.” I almost added you’re done, but it seemed dramatic and unnecessary. Chloe Donnelly would find out soon enough how few friends she had. How no one was going to let her get away with being so awful.
She tilted her head and looked at Holly, completely calm like she hadn’t just been smacked after having sex against a wall. “Can I talk to you alone for a minute?”
It seemed like a death wish considering Holly was about to claw her eyes out, but it was on her and I wasn’t going to protect her from Holly’s wrath.
Holly snapped, “Sure. It’ll only take me a minute to take care of things.”
Chloe Donnelly walked toward the parking lot by the basketball court with Holly on her heels. I looked at Eve, who’d been too quiet this whole time. “What’s wrong? Did you think Cam would end up with you?” It was mean, but I was still pissed about how she’d treated me with Holly. Still pissed that she’d given Cam a pass.
Eve frowned. “I never thought you’d be like this. Your parents would be really disappointed.”
I gaped at her. “First, I’m not ‘like’ anything. I didn’t hook up with Cam. I’m actually the only one at this point.”
“He tricked me. You saw that, remember? You spied on us.”
I swallowed down my guilt and deflected. “What about Tuesday? That wasn’t Aiden you got into the car with.”
Eve crossed her arms—just like Chloe Donnelly had—and said, “That wasn’t anything. I wasn’t hooking up with Cam on Tuesday.”
“Then what were you doing?”
She shook her head. “Like I’d tell you. Little Miss Innocent turned into Little Miss Tattletale. I know you don’t want to play the game anymore, but you might want to consider some self-reflection before you go accusing Chloe of anything.”
My breath grew choppy and my blood heated. I was seething, overwhelmed, and still grossed out. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Look at you. How long were you standing there watching Cam go down on Chloe? How much of Cam and me did you watch from around the corner of the arts building without making a single peep? And what about how you happened to see me getting into his car on Tuesday? It’s creepy how you watch all of us through your hair as if we don’t know. What else have you seen, Other Chloe? Who else have you spied on?”
I reeled and stumbled back as if she’d physically punched me. It was a below-the-belt accusation and something I’d never have imagined Eve saying a year ago. And the worst part, the part that made it hurt like a physical ache, was that she wasn’t completely wrong. I’d been looking for Chloe Donnelly. I had watched Eve and Cam, had watched Josh and Aiden. Oh God.
We stood and stared at each other, me coming up with things to hurl at Eve but not saying any of them. Her waiting to lay into me. Both of us torn apart and mired in the bloody remains of our friendship.
“Let’s go,” Chloe Donnelly shouted from where she and Holly stood. Holly’s face no longer registered fury but now was a mixture of defeat and fear, something I’d never seen from her. Jesus, what the hell had happened? “Game’s over. The guys are all waiting for us. It’s time to see if anyone has won.”
19
We headed back to Burling without saying a word to one another. I kept peeking at Holly through my hair, but she didn’t look at me once. The pastiness of her skin made the scratch on her face stand out even more. Something was definitely wrong. I should have left. I’d said what I wanted to say and didn’t need to watch the rest, but I kept walking, wanting to make sure the final nail was hammered into the coffin of Gestapo. Wanting Mateo to see that we’d be free of this.
I started in on biting my nails as soon as we crossed Eighth Avenue. The college around us suddenly felt out of place. Too pretty, too perfect. Or maybe we were out of place. I’d spent most of my life popping in and out of this campus world with my parents, but now it was as if I was a kid at a museum full of things I couldn’t touch and didn’t understand.
The campus was fairly deserted, with all the usual activity moved indoors to dorm lounges or Harris Center or off-campus parties. The people we did pass looked through us, as if we were completely irrelevant. It reminded me of the first time I’d wandered the streets of Iowa City by myself. Invisible and unremarkable in such a big city. Or at least big in comparison to Grinnell. I couldn’t decide if our irrelevance on campus was because we were obviously too young to be part of college life or if it was because we weren’t recognizable to anyone we passed. It made me feel smaller than I usually did. Or maybe that was because of the game and all that had happened in the past forty-five minutes.
I had no nails left to bite by the time we reached the library, and two of my cuticles were bleeding. My face cracked into a big smile when I saw Mateo leaning against the bike rack—relief, something good had come out of tonight—but he barely acknowledged me, still protecting himself and us from Chloe Donnelly. My hatred for her grew like slow poison spreading through me, toxic enough that it was easy to ignore my mom’s voice in my head telling me how girls’ meanness was often borne from the bitterness of being unwilling or unable to surrender to the patriarchy.
“No one got any letters,” Cam said. “This game blows.”
It was the perfect opening for me to announce the girls were bailing, but before I could open my mouth, Chloe Donnelly said, “You guys need to stop hiding and start trying harder. When we played in Chicago, there was always a winning team. Do you even understand what a platinum favor could get you? Guys, all four of you could ask me for something and I couldn’t say no.”
The air seemed to go cool and still. There it was, a dangling carrot that caused a tiny shift in Aiden and Josh and Mateo, the possibility that a platinum favor from Chloe Donnelly would allow their secrets to stay hidden forever. The implication was clear, or maybe it was just what I heard. For all her manipulation, she took the game seriously. This was her olive branch, her assurance that all anyone had to do to protect themselves was to win. Could a win for the guys guarantee her silence? I had no idea, but all sorts of bells were going off in my head and I was seriously skeptical.
This girl knew what she was doing. She was a master game player. With everyone but Cam, though I supposed in a way she knew how to play him too. At least she certainly did pressed against the wall of Rathje.
“Who gives a crap?” Cam said, though his voice sounded like more bravado than certainty. “A platinum favor isn’t worth all this hassle. Plus, it’s freezing outside. I’m tired of running around this campus in the cold. I’m done with this stupid game.”
“Cam,” Holly croaked out, and stepped close enough to whisper something into his ear. His face grew hard and he glared at Chloe Donnelly.
Oh God. What the hell now?
“We don’t want to play either,” I blurted out, trying to stop this train before it annihilated everyone. “The girls don’t.” I gestured to Holly and Eve, making sure to catch Mateo’s eye. “The game is stupid.”
Mateo’s brows went up, but he didn’t say anything.
I wished he could, but I understood why he was staying mute. He had more to lose than anyone.
Chloe Donnelly stepped forward. “No, Other Chloe, the girls still want to play. Don’t you, Holly? Eve?”
Holly stepped away from Cam and nodded. “Yeah, I’ll play again.”
Oh jeez. Crap, crap, crap. What had Chloe Donnelly said to her at the basketball court? Another secret? Maybe it had something to do with Cam. I didn’t understand how Chloe Donnelly could know all this stuff about everyone. She arrived in Grinnell a few weeks ago. It’d been less than a month!
Chloe Donnelly smirked at me, then turned to Eve. “Eve?”
Eve’s gaze bounced between me and Holly and finally landed on Cam. He gave the slightest shake of his head and Eve turned back to Chloe Donnelly. “I’ll play too,” she whispered.
I sputtered. “Are you kidding me? An hour ago you both wanted to quit.”
“They changed their minds. They realized how much fun it could be,” Chloe Donnelly said, then winked at Cam—winked!—but he just glared at her.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. “She’s got something on all of you?” I blurted. “You’re all stuck playing this game?”
“Careful, Other Chloe. You’re starting to sound like a paranoid freak. I thought you’d be more fun to play with, but I guess not. No worries. We’ll find someone else.” Chloe Donnelly looked at her polished fingernails as if I’d been dismissed, but it was hard to miss the anger in her voice. She did not want to be derailed. If only everyone would stand up to her, if only it wasn’t just me fighting here.
“You’re serious? You’re all still playing?” My voice was raspy and screechy.
No one would meet my gaze, not even Mateo. I’d never felt so incredibly alone. Gutted. All my mom’s lectures about integrity and standing my ground against bullies meant absolutely nothing when there was no one to stand with me. This was ridiculous.
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