by Jayne Blue
No. No. No.
“Chase? Chase, look at me!”
A wave of dizziness nearly brought me to my knees. I reached for my mother. Her hair was wrong. It was supposed to be yellow like the sun. Tonight it was red, covered in blood. No. Not blood. Not my mother. Ariel’s face swam before me and changed. One second she was my mother, smiling, dancing, laughing. The next, her eyes had become pearls and she wouldn’t look at me. The next instant, there was Ariel again, her face filled with concern as she reached for me.
“Chase?”
I started breathing again. Sweat poured from my brow. Ariel held my face in her hands as she went up on tiptoe. We stood in the middle of the master suite. It was my mother’s room, except not. She’d changed everything, torn down another wall, put French doors off the back.
“I’m so sorry,” Ariel said. “I thought this would help.”
“Help?” My voice didn’t sound like my own.
“Sit here,” she said, pulling a stool from the corner of the room. “Put your head between your knees. You look like you’re going to faint.”
I shook my head and pulled her hands away from me. “I’m fine. I just ... fuck.”
Tears streamed from Ariel’s eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid. What was I thinking, bringing you back here?”
“She died here,” I said, my voice thick and deep.
Ariel nodded. “I know, baby. I know.”
“No,” I said. “She died right here.”
Ariel parted her lips to say something, then froze as the impact of my meaning sank in.
“This room,” I said. “I found her in this room. No. I didn’t find her. I always knew she was here. She told me to hide in the closet that night. She had a john over. I didn’t know that’s what he was. I was just eight. A friend. She always said it was a friend. God. I can’t see him. I can see her, but I can’t see him.”
Ariel put a finger to her lips. “Oh God. Oh Chase. You were here? When it happened. You mean you saw?”
I nodded and turned my back to her. “It’s gone,” I said, going to the opposite wall. I ran my hands along the new drywall. Before, this had all been plaster. In the corner, on the east wall, had been the gap where I’d peeked from the closet on the other side.
“She didn’t scream,” I whispered. “She never fucking screamed.”
“Chase.” Ariel came to me, putting a light hand on my back. To me, it felt like fire. Flinching, I pulled away from her. It was too much. Too hard. Too raw. Before I knew what was happening, I’d punched a hole into the brand-new drywall.
Ariel sucked in a hard breath then drew my hand away. My knuckles bloodied, she pulled me back. I didn’t want to touch her. I didn’t want her to see.
“Chase,” Ariel said again. My vision tunneled and time seemed to slow down. I don’t remember walking away from that wall with her, but now, we stood on the balcony she’d built off the bedroom. A warm autumn breeze kicked up, blowing Ariel’s red-gold hair away from her face.
There were tears in her eyes. I hated it. I never wanted to see another woman cry because of me. She didn’t deserve this. I was dark, she was light.
“Don’t,” she said as I tried to pull away. “Chase, don’t you dare. Don’t shut me out.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “You want this? You want in, Ariel?”
“Yes,” she said. “Of course.”
“Maybe you should have just listened to what everybody told you.”
Ariel’s sweet smile pulled at my heart. How could she be like that? How could she see my pain and the darkness swirling all around and still look at me like that? Why wasn’t she afraid?
“About you?” she asked. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve never been big on doing what’s expected of me.”
I tore a hand through my hair. My other one, where I’d punched the wall, started to throb. “Sorry about that,” I said. “I ruined your wall.”
“A little spackle and paint, Chase. That’s all it needs. And I am sorry. I shouldn’t have brought you back here. I don’t know. I thought seeing it fixed up might make it easier for you.”
I turned toward the yard, curling my fists around the wooden railing. It was beautiful back here. Ariel had been right about that. Even without the landscaping finished, I could see Ariel’s vision. It was a huge lot with hundred-year-old oaks lining the fence. There would be space for a garden toward the back. A family could live here. They could start over.
“Chase,” she said, putting her light hand on my back again. This time, I didn’t flinch. “What happened to you? Afterward, I mean.”
“You don’t want to know this,” I said, my voice sounding bitter and distant to my ears.
“I do. I want to know everything about you.”
That was just the kind of thing people said. I knew she didn’t mean all of it. No one could mean all of it. No one except the other members of my crew could know about all the dark corners of my life. And maybe not even then.
“You survived,” she said. “You’re whole. You’re standing here and you’re one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. You came out the other side. How?”
I turned to her. “What do you think happened to me? What always happens to kids from the north side when there’s nobody left?”
Ariel took a step back. Her eyes searched my face. She reached for me, running her fingers along my jaw. I caught her hand, holding it firmly away from my face.
“You went into the system,” she said, her voice going flat. “Foster care?”
“I was eight,” I said by way of an answer.
“Of course you did. God. Chase, half my crew ended up that way. Bobby, Nolan. A few others on my demo crew. I found a lot of them in a shop class at Port Az High. Those were the ones lucky enough to be able to stay in school. A lot of them don’t.”
“Right,” I said. “Lost causes. So that’s your specialty.”
“That’s not what I mean. I just mean ... I’m proud of you. That’s all. And I know that might come off as patronizing or something. It’s just, I’m not naive.”
“They never found him,” I said, turning away. My mind ventured back to the last horrible night I spent in this fucking house.
“Found who?” she asked. Then she cleared her throat and dropped her head as my words took on meaning.
“Not a trace. I was here but I can’t see his face. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so many times. If anybody saw or knew something, nobody talked.”
“North-side rules,” she whispered. “Look the other way unless you want to be next.”
“Something like that. Rochelle Raines was just another two-bit whore. She wasn’t unique to anybody around here and nobody was surprised. I can thank my daddy for that. Big man. Her protector. He was nothing more than her pimp. And she fucking loved him. That was her biggest crime.”
“Didn’t they have any suspects? I mean ... your father was gone by the time she ... when it happened. Who was she working for then?” Ariel moved to stand beside me. We looked out at the lawn together.
“Nobody. That’s what Bear said. So my daddy was a piece of shit, but she was safer when he was around. He wasn’t patched in, but he was connected to the club; my mother was safe enough. After he died, she didn’t have any other way to make ends meet. So near as I can figure, she took chances. Hooking in Port Azrael twenty years ago without management …”
“Russian roulette,” Ariel said.
“So nobody saw nothing. No murder weapon. No witnesses except for me. And I didn’t see enough. I don’t remember.”
I gripped the wooden railing so hard, I’m surprised it didn’t splinter. Ariel put her hand over mine. The bleeding had stopped but the skin was raw and broken.
“But you’re here, you’re strong, you survived.”
I turned to her. “I’m here because of Bear. When I was fourteen, he and Mama Bear got me out. I was doing everything I could to get myself thrown in jail. I figured it would be better than the homes I’d been i
n. I don’t know how they did it, but they did. They fought the courts and the system and they got me out. I went to live with them. By the time I was eighteen, I patched in. The club saved me.”
I locked eyes with Ariel when I said it. The club saved me. She swallowed hard as she looked up at me. Her lips formed a thin, bloodless line but finally, she nodded. She understood.
I was the club. The club was me. There would never be anything that could divide us. After a long beat, Ariel took my good hand and held it to her breast.
“Come on,” she said. “It’s time for you to take me to meet them.”
Chapter 15
Ariel
Chase drove slower than usual as we left Hutchins Street and headed down along the coast. It seemed like maybe he was stalling for time. I’d been to the Dark Saints clubhouse once before, but this time, he was taking me inside. A thrill of excitement bled through me along with a fair amount of fear. I wasn’t afraid of the Saints. They were Chase’s brothers. They were part of him. As I squeezed my arms around his waist, something else seemed to happen too.
Chase was becoming a part of me.
I was grateful for the wind whipping past us. It hid and dried my tears before Chase could see. Just an hour ago, I’d seen the darkest parts of him. If I told him that, I knew he would argue. That protective shell would close around him again. But I knew what I saw. Chase Cutter had been laid bare in the span of a few seconds in that fucking master bedroom.
I blamed myself for taking him there. I had been stupid. The worst moment of his life had happened in that room and I thought drywall and a rebuilt master bath would bring him joy? Still, he had let himself be vulnerable in front of me. We shared something even more intimate than the passionate nights that had become normal for us lately.
Oh Chase. I wanted to fix the broken parts of him, warm him with my body, and make him whole.
Finally, we turned from the main highway to the more rural parts of town. Chase took the slow turn up a long gravel drive that led to the Dark Saints clubhouse.
It really was nothing more than an ugly black building from the outside. Laid out in an L-shape with black painted brick, the original structure had probably been a long ranch house. It had been added onto over the years and as Chase parked in back, I saw just how big it really was. This place was a compound.
Laughter and the intoxicating smell of barbecue reached my senses all at once. I peeled off Chase’s helmet and handed it to him, shaking out my hair.
“Come on,” he said. His eyes sparked with mischief and my heart soared. The slow ride from the north side had worked magic on him, chasing the darkness away. My stomach growled. Glass broke behind the building and a volley of curse words rose.
“Sounds like they’ve started without us,” I said, smiling.
“Chase!” A gruff voice split the air. A man roughly the size of a small grizzly bear rounded the corner taking long strides. He had mostly white hair clubbed back with streaks of black through it. His sharp eyes were creased with lines and his strong jaw covered with a salt and pepper beard.
“Bear,” Chase said. He put his hand on the small of my back and gently nudged me forward. “Bear, this is Ariel Gatling. Ariel, Bear Bullock.”
Bear Bullock gave me a wide grin. He stretched his hand out and took mine, shaking it with bone-crushing strength. So this was the infamous Bear, president of the Dark Saints M.C. I knew him by reputation well before Chase had walked into my life. There were Port Azrael legends about the ruthless way this man dealt with people who crossed him or the club. I didn’t believe most of them, but if even a tenth of the stories were true, I knew I’d never want to be on his bad side.
“Good to finally meet you,” I said. Bear wasn’t done with a handshake though. His blue eyes danced over me and he swayed on his feet just a bit. He pulled me forward into a full hug.
“Jesus!” A strong, feminine voice reached me from around the corner. “Bear, you’re going to split her in half. And you’re half drunk, anyway.”
The woman attached to the voice shocked me almost as much as seeing Bear Bullock in the flesh. She was tiny in stature, but I’d be hard-pressed to call her small. She had a shock of white hair cropped close to her head where it stuck out in spikes. She might be fifty, but the woman was built like a brick shithouse with cut biceps and striking tattoos snaking up her arms. She wore a black tank top and tight jeans tucked into leather boots with three-inch heels.
“You jealous, Josie?” Bear laughed as he stepped away from me and swung an arm around his woman.
Josie was Josie Bullock, I soon learned, though everyone called her Mama Bear. She was more reserved than her husband, taking me in with her cool eyes and sly smile as Chase introduced us.
“Well, I’m afraid the party’s started without you, Ariel,” Josie said. Mama didn’t seem appropriate for me to call her. Mrs. Bullock didn’t fit either. If it came to it, I didn’t know what I was going to call her.
“We got a late start,” I said, giving Chase the side-eye. I knew what that would sound like. Bear and Josie might think Chase and I had languished in bed together before coming over. I can’t deny the spark of heat that went through me thinking of it. But what had delayed Chase and me had been more profound than sex.
Chase put an arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. He was relaxed now, easy with me. This was family and he had come home.
“Come on,” he said. “Might as well get the introductions out of the way while everyone’s still mostly sober.”
“Ah,” Josie said. “So you’ll stay here tonight, honey. Our boy here won’t be in much of a condition to drive you anywhere in about an hour.” Josie slapped Chase on the shoulder as we walked around the back of the building.
A Texas-style barbecue with all the trimmings splayed out in front of me. Two of Chase’s club brothers stood near the barbecue pit, turning the pig. My stomach growled again. Before I knew what was happening, someone put a cold, freshly opened bottle of beer in my hand. A cheer went up when everyone saw Chase. Laughing, he raised his own beer and pulled me into the center of the group.
I was surrounded by muscular, leather-clad bikers. It was a huge crowd. I counted about a dozen full members of Chase’s crew. There were others wearing Dark Saints vests, but these were prospects, I soon learned. There were plenty of women around too. I’m not proud, but my back went up a little when I saw them. Banger girls in skimpy clothes draped themselves over a few of Chase’s crew. Of course I knew this was part of the club’s reputation as well. Willing women were never in short supply around them.
Chase pulled me close and kissed me on the cheek. I recognized the gesture for what it was. He was claiming me in front of all of them but also trying to reassure me. Part of me had a primal urge to kiss him back. More than a few of the women cast lustful stares at Chase as we made our way through the party. Those same women glared hard at me. Of course, the other part of me had the urge to deck Chase straight in the balls.
“Come on.” Chase’s low, wicked laugh in my ear made my blood sing. “Let’s find a way to keep you out of trouble.”
“Me?” I said, pulling away from him. I didn’t like this jealous side of me. It came almost unbidden, shocking me. I knew who and what Chase was the second I laid eyes on him. I knew the Saints had a reputation of chasing tail all over town. I also knew it was probably the truest reason Chase got his road name.
“Chase!” A voice broke through the crowd. Another member of his crew came toward us. He was big, broad with fearsome tattoos covering his mammoth biceps. Dark eyes flitted over me. If I’d run into this dude anywhere else, I would have probably tried to get far away. He was a muscle-bound mountain man with a lethal stare. He had a beer in one hand, in the other, a slip of a girl trailed behind. She was different than the others. She had butter-blonde hair tied in a neat bun and she wore a black power suit like she’d just got off work. From the way she leaned toward her companion, I knew instantly they were a couple and my
mind raced.
“This is Benz,” Chase said, pointing the neck of his beer bottle at Mr. Mountain Man. A quick read of the patch over his breast told me he was the club’s sergeant-at-arms. Though I wasn’t an expert in club hierarchy, I knew it meant he was one of the top officers in the whole crew. The woman stepped forward and gave me a bright smile as she offered me her hand.
“And I’m Jenny,” she said.
Jenny wore her own insignia. I saw it as her jacket opened. She had a shiny silver badge at her waist. The hell?
“Detective Guffy,” Benz said, beaming with pride and a slightly inebriated haze.
“Detective?” I said, smiling as I shook Jenny’s hand. I liked her immediately. She eyed her man with a fair bit of exasperation that matched my own for Chase. I felt an instant kinship with her as if we were both ex-pats on foreign soil.
“I’m with the Port Az Police Department,” she said.
“You’re Benz’s wife?” I said, hating how high my voice shot up. I bit my lip, hoping my tone wasn’t too abrasive. Benz just looked at Jenny then me and broke into a boisterous laugh.
“Nah. I haven’t worn her down yet. Give me some time. Come on,” he said. “Jenny’ll help you keep the wolves at bay. Chase and I have some shit to do.”
Benz put a huge hand on Chase’s back. Chase shrugged as he let Benz pull him away, leaving me alone with Jenny.
“You get used to it,” she said, putting a light hand on my arm. “I’d love to tell you their bark is worse than their bite, but these boys can bite pretty hard.”
Her cheeks colored with a slow blush and I couldn’t help but smile. “How does that work?” I said, pointing to her badge. Again, I hated how blunt I sounded. Jenny didn’t seem to mind. She raised a hand and waved to another woman across the yard. She was putting out desserts on a picnic table covered by a red-and-white checkered cloth. She wore a cloth sling in front of her and I could see her tiny-headed infant with a tuft of black hair poking out.