by Jayne Blue
The flush of desire colored Ariel’s cheeks. It spread to her chest, pebbling her nipples for me. “You are a bad influence,” she said. “As delicious as that sounds, I’ve got a lot of work today. In fact, I’m not sure if I’ll see you later.”
I gave her a gruff snort of disapproval and repositioned her so she straddled my waist. It would be so easy to just unzip my fly and plunge into her. My dick was rock hard and she wriggled against me. She threaded her fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead.
“I’m serious,” she said. “I’ve got final inspections on two of my properties.”
“Hutchins?” I asked. I felt that bubble of rage just below the surface. No. No more. I couldn’t let that part of me out in front of her again. Ariel frowned and a little crease wrinkled her brow.
She kissed me again. “Yes. Hutchins Street. I’ve got my stagers coming in later this evening if everything goes okay with the city inspector.”
She emphasized the word “if.” “I can help you with that,” I said. Ariel shifted, throwing her leg off me. She climbed off the bed and started looking for her underwear. They were in a corner near the door.
“What,” I asked. “Did I say something wrong?”
She crossed her arms in front of her, covering her breasts as if she’d suddenly grown shy. “No, it’s just, I don’t want you to do those kinds of favors for me. Not ever.”
Laughing, I came off the bed and went to her. Ariel bit her lip and took a step back. Her eyes flashed with fury.
“Ariel, what?”
“I mean it.” She gave up trying to find her panties and settled for grabbing one of my t-shirts off the floor. She stabbed her arms through it. The thing hung on her like a dress, covering her ass, almost reaching her knees.
“Calm down.”
She started to pace. “I’m calm. It’s just ... Chase. It’s my business. My reputation. I can’t have people thinking …”
“What? That you condone my particular lifestyle?” Fuck. I hadn’t meant to start a fight with her. I hadn’t even meant to give her the idea that I was planning to lean on some city inspector for her benefit. Sure, I could do that in a second. There were also about a dozen legit ways I could help smooth her inspection process for her.
Ariel’s eyes widened and her cheeks flamed red. “Don’t,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Don’t what?” Something cracked inside of me again. No, not cracked, hardened. I experienced it as a nearly physical sensation, a wall fitting back into place. Everything in front of me seemed to shift, and kaleidoscope. I saw Ariel’s face, filled with worry and hurt as she took a step toward me. It morphed into something else. Judgement. Disgust. Hell, I’d seen that expression time after time in town. I was filth, scum, the thing that no respectable citizen of Port Azrael would have anything to do with. Even if my club was the very thing keeping the streets safe to walk down at night.
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” she said. Then it was just Ariel’s face again. I’d put pain in her eyes and hated myself for it. It seemed so easy to do. As if the dark parts of me kept seeping out no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. We could leave Hutchins Street, but it wouldn’t leave me.
“I knew what you meant,” I said. The words spilled out of my mouth as if some dam burst inside of me. I wanted to hold them back. I didn’t want to hurt her. This wasn’t my heart. And yet, that protective shell that had saved me my whole life was so damn hard to break.
“No,” Ariel said, reaching for me. “You don’t know what I meant.” This time, it was my turn to take a step back. She dropped her hands to her side.
“It’s cool, Ariel. I get what I am to you.” Why the fuck did I say that? It was like I became two halves of the same person. One wanted to go to her, pull her against me, and tell her I was sorry for being a dickhead. The other wanted to push her away. I was who I was. My club was what it was. If I let this woman in, maybe she’d try to make me choose or change me. She was light. I was dark. We’d been on a collision course from the moment I met her.
“Stop it,” she said. “Where the hell is this coming from? I just think we should keep our businesses separate, that’s all. I’m not judging you.”
“Right,” I said. “I forgot.”
“Forgot what?” The hurt in her eyes flared to anger. There it is, I told myself. Better to expose her true heart now.
She didn’t let me answer. Ariel grabbed her jeans off the floor and stabbed her legs into them. “You know what, forget it. I don’t know what the hell I did or said to get on your bad side today. Let’s just chalk it up to a misunderstanding and go do what we need to do today. You do your shit, I’ll do mine.”
I hated myself for thinking it, but I tried to find the judgment in her tone even now. “And I suppose you think your shit is saving Port Azrael while mine is tearing it down.” Fuck. I didn’t mean it. The words just tumbled the fuck out. The devil in me flared to life. Who the hell was I to think I could have something as good as this woman?
“What?” she said, her face going white. “Chase, what the hell is this?”
“Truth,” I answered. “Better to face it now before we’re both in this too deep.”
“What truth?” she said, her voice breaking.
“Port Azrael, the north side. It is what it is. New paint and quartz countertops can’t change that.”
“Right, so where are you headed today then, Chase? Huh? You think your way is better?” She took a step back, gesturing toward the dresser. My Nine sat on top of it in its holster. I went for it, sliding it through my belt loop.
“Didn’t say better,” I answered, hating the bitterness in my tone. “Effective though. Realistic.”
There were tears in her eyes that I knew I put there. I hated myself for it. She didn’t deserve it. Ariel didn’t deserve any of it. The real truth was that I didn’t deserve her.
“Better to face it now before we’re both in this too deep.” She echoed my words to her in a whisper. Ariel turned and headed for the door. I dropped my shoulders and clenched my fists to my side. God, I was the worst kind of asshole. I thought she would leave. She should have left. She should have slugged me or thrown something at me. I deserved that too. She didn’t. Instead, she turned back and faced me, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
“I’m already in too deep, you asshole,” she said. I stood stone still as Ariel came to me.
No. Don’t do it. You belong in the light, baby.
The demons roared to life inside of me. Twenty years’ worth of rage, fear, darkness. Don’t get close. Don’t love. Don’t hurt. Hutchins Street closed around me.
“I love you.” Ariel brought her hands up, letting her fingers hover near my face. She never made contact even though she touched my soul. “I love you,” she said again.
I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to take her in my arms and feel her body against mine where it fit the best. I could do none of those things. It was as if cement had seeped around my heart and hardened there.
I don’t know how much time passed. Enough that my silence broke something inside of Ariel. She dropped her hands and backed away. Then she turned and walked out the door.
Chapter 18
Chase
I went numb as I left the clubhouse. Mama Bear sensed something. I knew she had to have seen Ariel leave. Now she had her hard stare fixed on me as I grabbed my keys off the bar and followed Axle out the door. She called after me, but I didn’t turn to answer her. I needed the road. I needed my crew. I needed to fucking smash something.
“You okay, man?” Axle asked as we mounted up. This was supposed to be a quick run. Just Axle and Dom and me. We would hit the two dive bars port side that relied on our protection. Tomorrow, we were headed up to Abilene again. That would be a three-day trip as we dealt with some suppliers and Bear wanted to scout some new properties. At the last minute, Bear decided to come along on the collection run. His announcement got a sideways glance from Axle, but I kept my
head down. The sooner we got this shit over with, the better.
Dom and I hung back while Axle and Bear went in to talk to the bar owners. I looked out at the bay. Seagulls swooped down, picking up trash along the docks. The bars were closed now so it was the perfect time for Bear to conduct some business.
“Any idea why Prez wanted to ride along?” Dom asked. He was just making conversation but I wasn’t in the mood. I couldn’t shake the memory of Ariel’s hurt look as she turned to leave this morning.
It was for the best, I told myself. Better she sees what kind of asshole I was now. Better she gets far clear of me and the life I led. It wasn’t for her. Why the hell had I let myself believe that it could be?
“Chase!” Dom shouted. I’d stayed on my Harley as Dom paced in front of the bar’s entrance waiting for Bear and Axle to come out.
“What the fuck do you want?” I said. For the second time today, my words came out harsher than I meant. This time, I didn’t care. Let Dom be pissed at me. Let him try to smash my face in. It might do me some good to blow off steam.
“Get out of your fucking head, man,” Dom said. “You’ve been like this all morning.”
I was about to tell him to mind his own business but the sound of breaking glass stopped me short. I climbed off my bike and unholstered my weapon in one fluid movement. Dom was right there with me.
The front door to the bar flew open before we got to it. Bear charged out with Axle right on his heels. Axle held his fist against his chest and his knuckles were bloodied. I kept my weapon at the ready until Axle gestured with his chin.
“We good?” Dom asked; he was jumpy as shit.
“We need to talk,” Bear said. He brushed right past me and mounted his Harley. We fell into step behind him. Bear took off on a tear. We rode fast and hard. He took the coastal highway up to the dunes just outside of town. This was state land, but nobody ever came here.
Bear parked his bike and dismounted. The rest of us followed suit. I threw a hard glance to Axle, expecting him to clue me in. He just shook his head, mouthing don’t ask.
Bear turned on his heel. “My town,” he shouted. “My town. That little fuck thought he could sneak that shit in under my nose?”
“What shit?” Dom asked. “Bear, what the hell’s going on?”
“We got a tip that Lem Brewer was dealing some hard shit outta the bar. That fentanyl-laced crap. China White and something worse. Well, it was a reliable tip.”
“Sheeit,” Dom said. One of the ways the Saints kept things clean in Port Az was by keeping the really dangerous shit out of town. But the drug cartels down south had been trying to get a foothold here for years.
“Lem’s on the same page now,” Axle said, shaking out his fist. “Pretty sure it was just a sampling and not part of a larger problem.”
“For now,” Bear said. “But I’m getting so tired of this shit. There’re only so many fires I can put out. We all know this is coming from the Hawks even if Lem wasn’t man enough to admit it. I’ll find out for sure.”
“Great,” Dom said. “We’ve kept the heat off. How long you think that’ll hold?”
Bear shrugged. He was starting to calm down. I wasn’t. I wished I’d gone in with Axle. It would have done me good to be the one to pound Lem Brewer’s face in. Some kids died just last week over in Laredo from that crap. We didn’t need it here. I started to pace.
I’d been such an ass. Ariel was right and I was a jerk. We were both really fighting the same fight in our own way. She was trying to clean up the north side, we were trying to keep the port safe.
“You talked to Rivas lately?” Axle asked. I could hear them talking, but none of the words sunk in. I couldn’t quiet the echoes of Ariel’s tear-filled goodbye this morning.
“You sure we can still trust Rivas?” Dom asked. “How much can we rely on him hearing what’s going on in other departments? How much do they leak to the Department of Justice?”
“Marco’s good,” Bear answered. “We’re too deep into him for him to ever turn on us. His greed is useful. If there’s ever anything coming down the pike from the feds, Rivas will let me know. Chase, you good?”
I was halfway to the water’s edge when Bear’s shout reached my ears and I stopped short.
“Fuck,” Bear said. I turned toward him. He and the others stood on the sandy hill above me. A look passed between them and they all started to laugh.
“What the fuck?” I asked.
Bear made his way down toward me. The others followed. “That’s the question for you, Chase. Where’s your head at?”
“It’s here. Where the fuck else would it be?” I said, my tone shorter than was probably good for me. Bear raised a brow in warning but let it slide.
“Don’t mind him,” Axle said. “He’s got his nuts in a twist because his girl took off this morning.”
“Took off?” Bear said. He reared his head back, surprised. “What do you mean, took off?”
“I don’t know,” Axle said. I was about ready to drive a fist through his smug face. “She looked pretty pissed when she left. Mama Bear asked her if she was okay and she had some foul shit to say about Chase that I can’t repeat without blushing.”
Bear chuckled. “Well, that didn’t take long, Chase. What did you do to her?”
“Nothing,” I grumbled. I’d been looking forward to this morning’s ride. Now I just wanted to get away from all of them.
Bear’s face grew serious and he came to me, putting a fatherly hand on my shoulder. “Son, everything all right with Ariel?”
I shook my head and pulled away from him. “It’s fine. It’s for the best.”
He squeezed me, pulling me toward him. “What’s for the best? What did you do to that girl?”
“Nothing.”
“Is it over?” Bear asked, his eyes narrowing.
I dropped my head. Bile rose in my throat. “Probably.” Saying it out loud felt like a gut punch.
“Can you fix it?” Bear asked. He put his other hand on my other shoulder and shook me.
“What?”
“Son, I’ve known you your whole life. You’re stubborn like your no-good daddy was. But you’ve got your mama’s heart. She was the best there is. And I’ve never seen you happier than you are with Ariel. She’s something special. You deserve something special.”
It felt like a thousand tiny needles pricked my throat when I tried to swallow. Bear was wrong. Ariel was the last thing I deserved.
“Come on, man,” Axle said. “She loves you. Anybody can see it. Did you fuck around on her? Lay a hand on her?”
“What? No. No way.”
Bear shook me again. “Good. Because I’d cut your balls off if you did either. And Axle’s right, that woman loves you.”
“I know,” I said, my voice dropping. “That’s what she told me this morning.”
Axle put a hand over his mouth. “Fuck,” he muttered.
Bear dropped his chin almost to his chest. When he lifted his head, he gave me a wry smile. “Scared ya, didn’t it?”
I couldn’t answer. Bear put an arm around my shoulders and we started to walk back up the hill. “You’ve lost a lot,” he said. “More than most of us. It doesn’t have to keep happening.”
I went rigid. This all just hurt too much. Axle stood to the side; his stony expression cut right through me.
“She knows who you are,” he said. What the fuck did he know? What the fuck did any of them know? Ariel wasn’t like Mama Bear. She was as much a part of the club as I was. Bear couldn’t understand. It was as if Axle could read my mind. His girl, Maya, had been an outsider too. Now they were married.
“She knows who you are,” he said again. He moved so he stood directly in front of me. “You were wearing your cut the day you met her. Ariel’s lived in Port Az her whole life. And she’s not stupid. If she wanted out, she had plenty of chances.”
I wanted to puke. Everything Axle said was true. And yet, it was still only a matter of time before Ariel tur
ned and ran. Wasn’t it?
“Do you love her?” Axle asked. He and Bear locked eyes. I closed mine. It hurt to think. These men, my brothers, knew me too well not to already have my answer. I said it anyway.
“Yeah,” I said. “Fuck. Yeah.”
Axle’s shoulders dropped. He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. “You want my advice? Fix this any way you can.”
“What do I do?” I finally said as we made it to the bikes.
“Go after her,” Bear said over low laughter. “Run!”
Chapter 19
Ariel
One cardboard box. That was all that was left to be cleaned out of the Hutchins Street house. Its contents shifted as I lifted it off the master bedroom floor and made my way back into the hallway.
For two days, I’d felt numb. As I cradled the box against my chest, I leaned my shoulder into the wall. It had happened here. I’d met Chase Cutter right here. Nothing had been the same ever since.
I loved him. I hadn’t planned to tell him. I didn’t know if I was ready, much less trying to figure out if he was. But the moment I’d done it, everything just seemed to go so horribly wrong.
The front door opened and Nolan peeked his head through. “We good to go, boss?” I moved into the living room.
“See for yourself.”
Nolan stepped into the foyer. His eyes went wide with wonder as he saw the final product. White subway tile gleamed from the kitchen. I’d done everything in white there. I wanted it clean, pure, inviting. Not even Chase would recognize this place after its transformation. God, that was the whole problem. I’d been naive enough to think that.
“It’s amazing,” Nolan said. “I mean ... I gotta hand it to you, Ariel. I really think this is your best work yet. What are you listing at?”
“Two ninety-nine,” I answered. “I’m pretty sure we’re gonna get a bidding war at that.”
Nolan ran his hand along the white quartz countertops. “Easily. Hell, if I were in the market myself I might bite. Next year.”