“Things only go as far as people want them to. And the reason you’re afraid of being alone with me is because you know what’s going to happen. You know you won’t be able to fight all those feelings you have.”
Curtis hated this. Hated how she was so sure of herself and how she saw right through him. She’d been this way all along, and it was becoming more and more difficult to refuse her invitations.
“What’s wrong?” she said when he didn’t comment.
“Nothing.”
“You’re quiet because you know I’m right.”
He still didn’t respond.
“Come on, Curtis, why don’t you come by? Just for a little while.”
“I can’t do that, Sharon.”
“You know, I have to say, you certainly have a lot more willpower than I’d been counting on.”
“Yeah, well, to be honest, it has nothing to do with willpower. Turning you down has taken a ton of prayer.”
They both laughed.
“Nonetheless,” she said, “I still wanna see you.”
“Not gonna happen. Plus, I have a busy day today. I have two more meetings and then Bible study this evening.”
“That’s right. I guess I’ll see you there, then. Especially if that’s the only way I’ll get a chance to connect with you in person.”
“That’s fine, but you shouldn’t be coming just for that. You should be coming because you want to learn the Word.”
“I’m coming for that, too, but I won’t lie—I’m mainly coming for the reason I said.”
Curtis laughed quietly. “Good-bye, Sharon.”
“See you soon.”
Curtis laid his phone down, glad he’d ended his call with a woman he clearly had no business communicating with, but then picked it back up when he thought about Tanya. He’d been wondering how his ex-wife was doing and dialed her office.
“This is Tanya speaking.”
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, how are you?” she asked in her usual pleasant manner.
“I’m well. You?”
“Fine. And how are Charlotte and the kids?”
“They’re doing well, too, but I’m still counting down the months before my marriage is over.”
“Are you really sure about that? I know I’ve asked you this several different times, but are you positive you guys can’t work things out?”
“Yes. I’m as sure as can be.”
“And Charlotte finally feels the same way?”
“No, she’s still apologizing and pleading with me, and now she’s trying to use Curtina.”
“How?”
“By saying the divorce will devastate her.”
“Well, actually, Curtis, I tend to agree with her. It might be extremely traumatic for Curtina if she loses another mother.”
“She was only two when Tabitha died and doesn’t even remember her.”
“But it can still be damaging. This will also mean she’ll be losing the only mother she has ever really known. Plus, you’ve said yourself how close Charlotte and Curtina are now.”
Tanya had been a counselor for years, and clearly her professional skills were kicking in, but he really didn’t want to hear this. “Curtina will be fine.”
“Maybe, but I think you should consider this some more.”
“My mind is made up.”
Tanya paused and then said, “And what about Matthew? Have you thought about how all this will affect him while he’s in college?”
“Matt is a very strong, independent, intelligent young man, and he completely understands.”
“So you’ve told him you’re divorcing his mom?”
“In so many words, and he’s known for a while that our relationship isn’t the same. Actually, he still isn’t very happy with his mom for his own reasons, too. He loves her, but I can tell he doesn’t have the same respect for her. They’re not nearly as close.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I am, too, but Charlotte should have thought about that when she slept with those men.”
Curtis was livid. He wasn’t sure what had come over him, but suddenly those photos of Charlotte and Tom flashed through his mind, followed by images of her naked and in bed with that Michael character during her trip to Florida—a trip Curtis had thought she’d gone on alone until he’d learned otherwise. At the moment, he despised Charlotte for the way she’d hurt him. He resented how she’d gone out whoring around like some high-priced call girl and then had come home to him, smiling and pretending to be a loving wife.
“Curtis? Are you still there?”
“Yes,” he said, realizing he’d been so caught up in his thoughts, he’d forgotten Tanya was on the phone.
“Did you hear me?”
“No, I’m sorry. I drifted off for a second.”
“I asked you a question. I wanted to know if years ago, you’d thought about Alicia and how she would be affected when you were having affairs on me?”
Curtis felt like a heel. He knew Tanya was right, but he tried his best not to think back to those days because they were too hard to accept. He’d cheated on Tanya regularly, and no, he hadn’t contemplated the idea that Tanya would finally leave him or that any of what he had done with other women would indirectly hurt Alicia. Back then, he’d been too selfish and careless to even consider it.
“No, I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll regret what I did to you and Alicia for the rest of my life, and you know that.”
“I do, but I’m making a point.”
“Which is?”
“Charlotte may have been wrong for sleeping around on you, but I’m sure she never meant to hurt Matthew.”
“Well, that’s between her and him.”
“Maybe. But as his father, you should explain to him that we all make mistakes, ones we deeply regret, and that what he should focus on is the fact that his mother loves him and would never hurt him on purpose.”
Curtis wasn’t sure how they’d gotten on this subject, but what he did know was that his conversation with Tanya wasn’t going nearly the way he wanted it to. She was sounding just as logical and understanding as always, and while he admired that about her, his hope had been to talk about something else. What he’d wanted was for her to side with him and tell him he was right on all accounts when it came to his relationship with Charlotte.
“Okay, so you know I didn’t call you for all this, right?” he said, and they both laughed.
“I’m sure you didn’t, but, Curtis, you know I’m making some pretty valid points.”
“But the bottom line is that I simply don’t want to be with Charlotte any longer, and I don’t think anything or anyone can change that. Not even you.”
“You need to pray about this.”
“I have prayed. Last year, I did little else and while I know we took vows, I just think I need a fresh start. I want to start over with someone I love, someone who will love me back. I want to be with a woman who wants only one person.”
“And you don’t think that woman is Charlotte? You don’t think the two of you can make a final try?”
“No, I don’t. I think we’ll get along much better as friends. And that’ll mainly be for Matthew’s sake.”
“And you don’t see where you’ll have any regrets?”
“Not when it comes to Charlotte. Maybe when it comes to my children because I know the kind of shame divorce can bring. But that’s it… and since we’re on the subject, you wanna know what my primary regret is? The one thing I have the greatest remorse about?”
“What’s that?”
“Losing you.”
Tanya didn’t say anything.
“I’m serious,” he continued. “I know you’re happily married, but if you weren’t, I would spend the rest of my life trying to win you back.”
“Curtis, where is this coming from?”
“You know it’s true, Tanya. You’ve always known. And yes, I realize we’ve become good friends over the years and
that it’s partly because we have so much history and we have a child together, but for me it’s always been about so much more than that. For me, it’s been because I will always love you.”
“Curtis, you and I divorced a very long time ago, and I’ve been with James ever since.”
“I know that, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, and I can’t hide the way I feel anymore.”
“So, are you saying you don’t love Charlotte?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. But I definitely don’t love her as much as I used to. Even last night, we made love for the first time since before my accident, but by this morning, it meant nothing to me.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“Because as soon as we finished, all I could do was think about those other men she was with.”
“Have you considered counseling?”
“We’re beyond that.”
“But how can you be so sure?”
“I just am.”
“Well, I think you should give it a try.”
“And I think you’re trying to change the subject.”
“You’re right.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s like you said—I’m happily married.”
“Maybe it’s because the feeling is mutual. Maybe you’ve never stopped loving me either, but you just don’t want to tell me.”
“I have to go, Curtis.”
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
“You’re wrong for doing this,” she said.
“I know. And I’m sorry. But my feelings are what they are and so are yours.”
“I really have to go, Curtis. You take care.”
Curtis set his office phone onto its base and leaned back in his chair. He knew he was as wrong as Tanya said he was for confessing his feelings to her, but once he’d started, he hadn’t been able to stop himself. The truth: He didn’t want to stop, because he was tired of being miserable and wanted to be a hundred percent happy again. He wanted to know what it was like to genuinely live happily ever after. He no longer wanted to pretend the way he’d been doing with Charlotte, and he no longer wanted to settle. Of course, there was a huge chance Tanya would never admit her real feelings for him and that she might never leave her husband, James, but he was glad he’d told her how he felt. He’d been honest, and if things still didn’t work out the way he wanted, he would accept it and go on. He would be a man about it and wait for the next Mrs. Curtis Black to come along. He would exercise great patience until God brought his new wife to him.
Chapter 10
Charlotte was a nervous wreck, and as the day had gone on, she’d slipped further and further into panic mode. She’d been so sure that making love to Curtis would open his eyes to what he’d been missing and to what he didn’t want to lose for good. But her plan of seducing him and bringing them closer together hadn’t worked. They’d made beautiful, passionate love and had fallen asleep holding each other, but Curtis had awakened with the same frame of mind he’d been in for months. He was still divorcing her.
She just didn’t understand how they’d arrived at this point in their lives. Yes, they’d had problem after problem. Yes, there had been scandal after scandal, and yes, they had both committed adultery. But what about “for better or worse” or “till death do us part”? Had Curtis forgotten those words? Words they’d told each other more than a decade ago in the presence of witnesses and, more importantly, before God?
He seemed so through, and while she’d been trying to stay positive, it wasn’t until this morning that she finally realized he truly didn’t want her. She’d seen it in his teary eyes when he’d held her hands. He’d spoken a few words, but his eyes had revealed the full story: He was genuinely sorry; he hated that things had turned out so terribly, but he would never trust her again. Trust, or the lack thereof, that’s what this whole scenario had boiled down to, and Charlotte knew she was to blame for it. She’d wanted to believe Curtis was just as guilty as she was, but she could no longer deny what he kept saying: She’d been the first to have an affair, it was only then that he’d had his affair with Tabitha, and then she’d had two additional affairs last year. The score: Three to one, and even in baseball, three strikes always meant you were out. You didn’t get do-overs or second chances; the game simply continued on with the next player. In Curtis’s case, she knew he would continue, too, with the next love of his life, whoever that was going to be.
Charlotte wiped her eyes with bare hands, but more tears rolled down her face. She wanted to die, and it was all she could do not to kill herself. She was pitiful, helpless, and felt like a failure, but what kept her halfway sane was Matthew and Curtina. She knew they needed their mother, even if Curtis didn’t think so, and she couldn’t let them down. She wouldn’t cause them even more pain than they were already going to endure when the divorce was final. There was no doubt it would be traumatic for everyone involved, and she just wished Curtis could see that. She wished he would listen to what she kept trying to tell him. She also wished she’d been smart enough to stop taking her birth control pills, because if she had, maybe she would’ve gotten pregnant last night. Maybe the anticipation of having a newborn baby would have made a difference to Curtis, because surely he wouldn’t leave a wife who was expecting his child. But that was neither here nor there; even if she stopped taking her pills today, there was no guarantee she could get Curtis into bed again. Or was there?
Charlotte got herself up and went into the bathroom. She looked a complete mess, but maybe if she took a shower, combed her hair, got dressed, and went out for some fresh air, she’d feel a lot better. Yes, that’s exactly what she would do. She would also call her mother and her best friend, Janine, neither of whom she had spoken to in a while—at least not for more than a few minutes. She’d wanted to have longer conversations with them, but it was just that she’d been so preoccupied and focused on Curtis. Trying to make things right with him had become her daily agenda, and she hadn’t had time.
It was now shortly after one, and Charlotte went downstairs to the kitchen.
“Hey, Agnes, I was planning to pick up Curtina from school today so we could run by the bookstore, but if you don’t mind, can you do it for me?”
“Of course, Miss Charlotte. No problem.”
“Thank you so much. I know you’ve been doing that a lot more often lately, and I really appreciate it.”
“I don’t mind at all. You just take care of you.”
Charlotte smiled. “It’s no secret that I have a lot on my mind, and I know you’re not blind. You can see and hear all that’s been going on around here.”
“I can, and I pray all the time that you and Mr. Curtis are able to work things out. The last thing I want is for the two of you to break up.”
Charlotte hugged her. “Thanks, Agnes. You’re always so kind, and I love you very much.”
“I love you, too. I love all of you.”
Charlotte entered her car and backed out of the garage, then drove her silver Mercedes down the winding driveway and through the electric, wrought-iron gate. She drove onto the street and thought back to Curtis and how this was the exact spot where he’d had his accident, the night he’d found out about Michael and Tom and how she’d slept with both of them. He’d been so upset when he’d rushed into the house and confronted her about her unfortunate indiscretions, and when he’d stormed back out and gotten into his SUV, he’d driven into traffic and crashed into another vehicle. Thank God he’d survived and had only had to stay in the hospital a few days, but ever since then he’d been indifferent toward her. He’d been angry, hurt, disappointed, and disturbed by her actions, and she would do anything to erase them. But it was like she’d been thinking earlier—there were no do-overs or second chances when a person had struck out.
Charlotte drove into Chelsey’s parking lot and was glad she’d decided to take herself out to lunch. Chelsey’s was a popular restaurant and sports bar that a number of people i
n Mitchell frequented. They served great food and made some of the best sandwiches in town, and she and Janine occasionally met there for lunch.
She got out of her vehicle and went inside, where the hostess escorted her to a booth near a window and gave her a menu. It felt like the restaurant was already running the air-conditioning, which was strange since the temperature was only in the upper sixties. Charlotte was thankful she’d worn a black blazer over her white, button-down, long-sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans.
“Hello, my name is Amber, and I’ll be taking care of you today,” the chipper, twentysomething woman with blond hair said.
“Hello.”
“Our specials for today consist of a grilled chicken fillet sandwich, a gourmet turkey burger, a fried catfish fillet sandwich, or a Philly beef sandwich. Of course, fries come with each of those. We also have a huge Cobb salad special as well. But first, what can I get you to drink?”
“I’ll have a strawberry margarita with a little extra tequila.”
“Sounds good. I’ll be back shortly.”
Charlotte relaxed against the back of the seat, looked around at the various folks who were already eating, and then thought about the last time she’d gone out and had a drink. It was fifteen months ago when she’d driven over to Covington Park, the suburb where her parents still lived, and where she’d spent an evening at her favorite club, Jazzy’s. The night had started out fine, but sadly, it had ended on a humiliating note when she’d gotten drunk and then gone to a motel with a man she’d met only hours before. This man had turned out to be Tom, the jerk who’d eventually threatened her with blackmail. What was I thinking? I must have been out of my mind to do something so crazy.
She sat looking out the window for a few more minutes until Amber returned with her drink. “Here you go. Now, what can I get you for lunch?”
“I think I’ll have the fried catfish fillet.”
“Excellent. You’ll really like that. Can I get you anything else?”
“No, I think that’ll be it.”
“One catfish fillet special coming right up.”
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