“I don’t want to talk about secrets and stuff,” I remarked, taking another swig of my beer. Thinking about kids right now when I was trying to feel out this guy and my response to him, was not a good idea. Thoughts of them would only leave me depressed. What I was looking for was something to get me out of my depressing mood.
“What do you want to talk about then?” he asked.
“You,” I answered. “You sound like you’re from out of town.” His accent had to be responsible for some of this sexual appeal he was oozing.
He nodded. “I’m relatively new in town. Just been here for the last four months.”
I frowned at him. “I didn’t know people still left places to come to Lacovia.”
He chuckled, the low timbre having that dry-tongue effect on me again. “It’s not so bad. It has a little quirkiness that rubs off on you.”
“Probably explains why I haven’t left. It’s a perfect little place to raise a family too.”
“I get that.” He smirked, then pulled a face. “I want kids someday. Hopefully, the partner I find will be open to adopting them or us using a surrogate.”
“Because of course, you’re—”
“—gay,” he confirmed. “And while Lacovia isn’t exactly the land of the welcoming, it’s good to see others are here able to express their sexuality openly.”
“I see.”
“And you?” he asked.
“Me?” I stalled, not knowing how to answer. Of my thirty-eight years, I had only been in heterosexual relationships which amounted to two in total. I’d never kissed another man, never held one sexually either. There were times I wanted to. It was this longing inside me when I saw other gay men that made me aware of where my true passions lie. But did I dare explain it to him? How likely was I to run into him again? Not very.
“You’re not gay?” he prompted. “It would explain why you freaked out a little when I asked you to pretend we’re here together.”
“I didn’t freak out,” I replied. “I was simply surprised.” I couldn’t resist pointing at my face. “I know it’s hard to believe since you’re looking at this, but it’s not every day I get hit on as soon as I walk into a gay bar.”
His mouth formed a little O as though he was surprised by my statement. Then, his eyes crinkled at the corner, and he laughed. I felt my lips tugging upward but tried to contain it. Saying I was surprised at myself was an understatement. I couldn’t remember cracking a joke, let alone a good one since all my troubles with the kids started.
“Well, that’s a damn shame.” His grin was infectious, and I relaxed even more. “But I don’t mind being the first.”
Heat crept up in my cheeks. If he only knew how true his statement was. I stared at his lips, the bottom one fuller and a pinkish hue. I tried to expel the thought forming in my mind, but I’d denied myself for way too long. I imagined my lips settling on his, feeling his breath on my face, his hard chest against my own.
Fuck, I could feel my cock springing to life. I squirmed, hoping he hadn’t noticed.
“You didn’t answer my question,” he remarked, smirking. He at least had the decency to try and hide it behind the glass he brought to his lips.
I sighed. “I-I suppose I am.” I gauged his reaction, saw the interest in his eyes.
“That sounds like a loaded statement, like you’re not certain.”
“To be honest, sometimes I’m not so sure.” How could I be sure when I’d lived all my life as a part of a heterosexual couple?
He didn’t respond, and I was disappointed. My one chance at knowing where I stood, and maybe I had blown it. At times I would be confident about what and how I felt, but other times when I was scared shitless at how my life would drastically change, I wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe I was copping the easy way out by holding on to what I had known for so long, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
Confused, I rose to my feet and reached into my pocket for my wallet. I needed to leave Beau alone and get some fresh air. I fished out some money from my wallet, waving the bartender over. I handed him the money, barely looking at Beau in my haste.
“Sorry, I’ve to go,” I mumbled. I laughed shakily and ran my fingers through my hair. “I just remembered that I’ve something to do.”
“Gordon—”
I couldn’t bear to hear what he had to say so I didn’t wait for him to finish his statement. Whatever he had to comment wouldn’t suddenly make me feel less confused anyway. I knew it was the fear talking. The fear of me not knowing what the future would hold as a gay man. Until I figured shit out, I had no business in places like these, chatting up good-looking men like Beau. Younger too. He couldn’t be older than twenty-eight. I was ten years older than the guy for fuck’s sake. I could at least try to find someone more my age.
I weaved my way through the tables, not stopping until I was outside. I gulped the night air into my lungs and relaxed. With slumped shoulders, I shuffled forward to find my truck. My life was over. I was thirty-eight. No way I could start over now when I had so much to deal with. I should just focus on my kids and hope things would get better for us all. I did know one thing though. I couldn’t be with another woman in my life. It wasn’t that I’d hated living with Barbara. She had her time when she made a great companion. The first decade of our marriage hadn’t been horrible. It really hadn’t. It was later, as the years passed that I started to acknowledge I wasn’t able to keep up the pretense for much longer. I’d tried to live through it though for our kids’ sake.
At my truck, I fished the keys out of the front pocket of my jeans and inserted it in the keyhole.
“Gordon.”
Surprised at the sexy accent that was growing on me, I spun around. Beau was standing a few feet away from me. I’d gotten a load of him sitting at the bar but now he was standing, I was even more attracted to him. His pants molded to the muscles in his thighs and I gathered a hint of a great physique beneath his shirt.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked him.
“I came after you,” he replied, the left corner of his mouth hitching upwards in an attractive manner. I wanted to kiss him. I released the key still in the door and pushed my hands into the front of my pockets to stop myself reaching out for him. My eyes flickered around us to check if anyone within proximity saw us. A few people walked by, in and out of the club but nobody could care less about us. Plus, my truck was parked in the shadows since I hadn’t wanted anyone to recognize it at the gay club.
“Don’t you want to know why?” he pressed.
His eyes said why. Full of heat and boring into my own, it was clear he was as attracted to me as I was to him. He wanted me, and the realization made me weak in the knees. I wanted to run, to jump in my truck and drive away. I clenched my hands in my jeans and stayed put. I was fighting against my fear of the unknown, lured by the promise of pleasure to come with self-discovery.
“Why?” the word slipped from my lips.
“I wanted to ask you something.” He paused and closed the distance between us, his long legs eating up the distance. He stopped just in front of me, claiming my personal space and scrambling my thoughts. “Do you want to know?” he asked, raising a hand to place carefully on my chest, just over my heart. “Do you want to know for sure where you stand?” His voice lowered, but I heard every single word. “Will you come home with me and let me help you discover yourself?”
My breathing turned harsh, audible to both our ears. My heart galloped in my chest, not only racing but thumping like crazy. There was no way he didn’t feel it with his hand on my chest. I was embarrassed that he could feel how much he affected me, but he wasn’t bothered in the least. He stood patiently, waiting as the seconds then minutes ticked by. I appreciated his wait as I let his question and the meaning behind it sink in. If I made the wrong choice tonight, I might never be able to recover.
Chapter 4
Gordon
“You can park right here.”
My hands shook as I p
arked the truck and removed the key from the ignition. How the hell did I end up here at this stranger’s apartment building? It’s not too late. You can turn back now. My apprehension waved red flags at me but my curiosity won the moment.
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Beau said softly, reaching across the console to pat my thigh. “I can always say ‘thanks for the lift’ and then we part ways.”
I turned my head to peer at him in the semi-darkness of the truck. “Is that what you want to do?” I cleared my throat because my question came out gravelly. “You want me to go?”
“Hell no!” he answered, then went silent. Neither of us made any move to get out of the truck. His arm remained on my thigh, branding me with his touch. Desire flared in the pit of my belly, and I wished I didn’t have on my jeans. What would his hand feel like on my naked thigh? “I want to say something to you, but I don’t want to scare you off before I even get to kiss you.”
I couldn’t help it. My sharp intake of breath filled the truck. I expelled it just as loudly. “Tell me.” I needed to hear him say it.
“I was interested from the moment you walked into the bar,” he said. “The chemistry I feel between us is amazing. Don’t you think?”
“Yes.” I might have been scared, but I couldn’t lie. I felt the pull between us and it intrigued me enough that here I was even though I had no goddamn idea what I was doing.
He flashed one of those smiles of his that made me want to forget all inhibitions and pull him to my side of the truck. I wondered how he would react if I did that. I had a feeling he would enjoy it, but I was too much of a coward to follow through on my thoughts.
“Then, let’s go.”
He reached out to open the car door and I closed my hand over his to stall him. “Wait.”
“What is it?”
I glanced away from him. “I’ve never done this before, Beau.”
“I know, and that’s fine.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to fuck up tonight. I can’t—” I swallowed hard, anxiety twisting my gut. “I can’t promise you how I’ll feel or what I’ll do when we step into your apartment.”
“Then there’s only one way to find out.”
I opened my mouth to ask him to what he was referring. His lips descended on mine and swallowed the words. His hands fisted in the front of my shirt, pulling me harder against him. Stunned, I didn’t react for a few seconds before heat filled my belly and overpowered any doubt. I angled my lips better over his, resting my hands on his ribcage as I kissed him back.
If I thought he was going to initiate me slowly, I was wrong. He kissed me hard, his moans filling my mouth. Beneath my heavy lids, I saw the pleasure on his face. It fueled my own and cast away my last inhibitions. With a groan, I pressed him back into the door, shifting closer to him. I released his lips as we gasped for air, but not for long. Our lips crashed into each other’s again and I sunk my teeth into his plump bottom lip. He moaned, running his hands over my chest. In my jeans, my cock was so fucking erect that it was painful. Each stroke of his hand lit the embers of passion. His tongue plunged into my mouth, fanning those flames. His tongue retreated, and I followed a bit more timidly at first. He sucked my tongue into his mouth, using his to toy with mine.
Our lips slowed as I sensed him retreating. I pulled away slightly, but he captured my lips again, like a prize he desperately sought. His exuberance floored me.
“Fuck!” I gasped when he released my lips at last. I leaned forward and placed my forehead against his. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I wasn’t much of a swearer, especially around the kids but the guys at my trucking company rubbed off on me.
Beau chuckled in amusement. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Come on. Let’s go up to my apartment. You’ve given me a boner, and you better take care of it too.”
Fear of the unknown streaked through me again, but I nodded. I had no idea how far I would go with him, but I couldn’t stop at this kiss in the truck. I couldn’t let him walk away like this. I needed something more that I hadn’t found yet.
Together we entered the apartment building, walking side by side. The urge to hold his hand was great. I stuffed my hands into my front pockets to squelch the urge. Besides my kids, I’d never been a big hand holder, so I was in awe that I wanted to hold his.
His apartment building was small, only three stories. He swiped us in, and we moved toward the elevator from which a couple walked. They glanced at Beau and me. I almost froze, wondering if they could tell what we were up to. They didn’t pay us any mind. I was paranoid about nothing.
We rode the elevator in silence. When we arrived on the top floor, this time, Beau grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me along with him. His eagerness turned me on. I went willingly, trailing behind him a little. I stared at his broad back and down to his round ass in his pants. They were perfect globes that I wanted to grab. My palms started to sweat.
He released my hand to unlock the door to his apartment. He pushed it open and stepped inside ahead of me. He flicked the lights on, and I hesitated outside. He angled his head towards me. “Come on. I think I have beer in the fridge.”
I had no clue what I thought would happen when we entered his apartment, but it wasn’t drinking beer. I’d been thinking more of zippers going down, shoes coming off and facing each other buck naked. No wonder I was tense. I stepped inside before Beau got tired of waiting for me to make up my mind. I was already here so I might as well wing it.
His apartment was compact and perfect for a single person. The floor was open spacing with the kitchen off to the right. The living room was off to the left. To one side was a dining area set up with just two chairs. In the living room, he had a huge television on the wall. I could make out a gaming system and sound system as well. A bookshelf stood at one end with books neatly organized with their spines to me. The coffee table in the center had the remote control and some magazines thrown haphazardly onto it. The couches were sturdy but either he had bought the set second-hand or he’d received the apartment fully furnished.
“Nice,” I said because I felt compelled to speak. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to say, but at least I broke the ice.
He laughed. “You’re a horrible liar. This place is way too small, but it’s what I can afford at the moment. Plus, it’s all mine. I’ve never had a place just all mine before.”
A look of panic crossed his face and he looked away before leading the way to the kitchen. I frowned and followed him. Had he just shared something personal about himself then regretted it? Interesting. And here we were both acting like I was the only one with problems. That look spoke to me. He had secrets hiding too. I wanted to know them, to understand him.
“Get the beer from the fridge, will you?” he asked. “I need to take a leak.”
He started by me but then stopped and pressed his lips to mine. I was getting ready to kiss him back when he released my lips and winked at me. “Soon. Don’t miss me too much.”
I rolled my eyes at him while smiling. His lighthearted nature put me at ease in his presence. I didn’t feel like we were about to fuck each other’s brains out. I sensed friendship. I paused with the door to the fridge open and mulled it over. Did I want him for a friend or just company for the night? I would have no idea until after what we would do.
Retrieving two bottles of beer from the fridge, I searched for an opener and found it in his cupboard which was almost bare. Just like his fridge. Other than bottles of water, croutons, shredded lettuce, some lunch meat and bottles of beer, he had nothing else worth eating. I opened both bottles then took them out to the living room along with paper towel. I placed the napkins on top of the coffee table to prevent water stain then put the bottles on them.
Glancing around his apartment, I tried to find any personal trinkets of his that would give me a more intimate glimpse into Beau’s life. There were no pictures which I found odd. Barbara and I had decorated our home wit
h framed photographs of the family. I walked over to his video game and checked out his stash. I hadn’t played in forever. Family and responsibilities hadn’t left me with much time for playing games. At first, I’d sold my video game to aid in the purchase of Barbara’s wedding ring when I was twenty. When I was that young and scared shitless that the girl I’d slept with was pregnant with my baby, I’d done the right thing and married her. I’d been eager to do it too since I’d thought a regular lifestyle with my wife would stop my fantasies about other boys.
I replaced the game I was looking at when I heard shuffling behind me. I turned to Beau who had not only used the restroom but also changed. He was wearing gray sweats draped low on his hips and an older, more comfortable T-shirt. He looked sexy, relaxed and at home. He’d even ruffled his hair giving him a tousled look.
“I love the way you fuck me with your eyes,” he said calmly. “If it means anything to you, I want it to happen too.”
I closed my eyes. “The way you say things like that…”
“Yes?”
Hearing his response closer to me, I cracked my eyes opened. There he was, an arm’s length away. “And I want to kiss you again,” I ended.
“By all means, help yourself.”
I expected him to come to me just as he had initiated our contact every other time. He didn’t. I was faced with a choice, walking away or kissing those addictive lips of his. Decision made, I closed the gap between us and approached him. Without saying a word, he took both my arms and placed them around his waist. I automatically pulled him towards me until we bumped, chest to chest. His lips were right below mine, so I dipped my head while he cocked his to one side. When our lips met, relief that I hadn’t gone home washed over me. I tightened my arms around his waist, deepening the kiss. Now that I was getting used to his lips on mine, I kissed him harder, deeper, sweeping my tongue into his mouth.
Easy Does It Twice (Till There Was You Book 1) Page 3