Breathe

by Donna Alward

  “And that’s where we differ. A man loves a woman, and the rest works itself out. Look at your mama and papa.”

  He sat back, putting his plate aside and brushing his hands of crumbs. The children had abandoned their plates and were along the border of trees, picking dandelions and daisies. “My mama and papa were poor and tired. They struggled to put food on the table. They went without more than they should have, and all my father got for his trouble was a paycheck that was enough to get by and a bad back.”

  “Yes, that’s true. But look at my father. He had everything…a profitable business. A lovely home, servants, luxury cars. And he was miserable. He’d had all those riches, but the woman he loved hadn’t cared. And she broke his heart into tiny pieces. So who had the better life, I ask you?”

  She paused. Jace was looking out over the water, his jaw set.

  “I had a charmed life, and it got blown to hell. I would have traded it all for…”

  “For what?”

  He turned back to her.

  How could she tell him that this was what she’d always wanted? A quiet and simple family evening? She had a fortune in the bank, and Aurelia and Matteo would never want for anything. Except for times like these. They could not be bought.

  “I envied you your childhood, did you know that?” she replied, unwilling to vocalize her true thoughts.

  “I never understood why.”

  “Because there was love and happiness. Because there were no expectations. You were allowed to be exactly who you were. It was a revelation to Alex and me. And yet, you were never satisfied.”

  “I was the poor kid.”

  “It didn’t matter to me.”

  “It mattered to me, Anna. I always felt a few steps behind, like I had to catch up.”

  She held out her glass. “May I have more wine?”

  He tipped the bottle, pouring more of the clear liquid into her glass.

  “Does it feel odd, talking about all of this now? After so many years have passed?” She angled her head.

  “Once upon a time, I would have quieted your chatter with a kiss.” His voice was warm and melted over her nerve endings.

  “Once upon a time, I would have pulled the pins from your hair.”

  Her pulse jumped as heat flooded her core. So much for time passing and moving on. All it took were softly spoken words on a blanket and she was as much his as she ever had been. “I…I didn’t wear my hair up,” she stammered, suddenly nervous.

  “Once upon a time, Anna, I would have lain you on this blanket and made love to you in the sunset.”

  “Jace…”

  His name was choked from her throat, the sound creating a delicious torture of memories. She wished he would lean forward, just a few inches. To feel his fingertips on her skin. To sneak a kiss while the children frolicked nearby. But instead he drained his wineglass and stared off at the children.

  “But not now, right?” The words were so cold they felt like a slap. “You made the choice to give that all away the day you pledged to marry Stefano.”

  Chapter Seven

  “That’s not fair.”

  Jace looked away. He wasn’t sure why he’d said it. A momentary impulse of truth perhaps? The fact that his shock had been utterly and completely real when the announcement of her marriage had been made? Maybe now she needed to realize just how much it had affected him.

  But in this moment, it was a way to put distance between them because the memories were coming back and he didn’t want to need her again. What he’d said before had been true too. He had been thinking of kissing her. Of touching her and making love to her. Not now, of course. But the memory of doing so in the past touched him so profoundly that it sparked a need in him. A need for her, and that would be a mistake.

  He’d nearly given in to his need before, and all it had done was prove his point. He’d wanted to be wrong. He’d wanted to believe that Anna was different, from her father and the other spoiled girls that hung around Morelli. But in the end she hadn’t been. And the truth of that still stung. No matter how much their friendship still meant, the fact remained that she’d gone ahead and married a man who could give her everything Jace couldn’t.

  He’d asked for time, and she hadn’t waited. Of all the people in the world, he’d trusted her. He hadn’t thought she was like the rest of the rich kids. And even though he knew he was partly to blame, her marriage to Stefano had still tasted like betrayal.

  “Many things aren’t fair. That’s life, isn’t it?”

  He couldn’t stop the hard edge to his voice any more than he could stop the memory of finding her with a ring on her finger when he’d returned from Kelowna. A ring that wasn’t his, a two-carat stunner that glittered on her finger. Eighteen years old and a hurried engagement to another man to cover up their mistake—no, his mistake. It had been a punch to the gut, and he’d felt it each time since. Each time he’d seen her with her babies. Even the moment she’d arrived here, so obviously shattered, with that ring still on her hand. He looked down at her hands now. No gold or diamonds adorned the long fingers. She was no longer Stefano’s. But neither was she his.

  “I know you’re angry with me…”

  He sighed and began picking up the mess on the blanket. “I’m angry with a lot of things. Angry at your father for his narrow-minded views. I knew his ambition for you was always a good marriage. And yes, at you too. I was angry that you married Stefano, you’re right. And I’m more angry that you turned your back on me.”

  “Why do you think I came to you?” The words were gentle, and she cocked her head slightly, as if waiting for an answer. Only she didn’t wait, she kept on. “Don’t you think I know how my father pushed? That I should have stood up to him more? Did you consider that maybe I wanted more for myself? But I went ahead and married his choice and it was a mistake. It cost me my friendship with you too. I have to live with that.”

  She lowered her gaze, a flush blooming on her cheeks. “I missed you, is that what you want to hear? And when my world came crashing down it was you I wanted to be with. It was you I thought would understand the most.” She folded her hands. “And yet sometimes I feel like you understand nothing.”

  Jace put down the basket and looked at her. She was calm. Really calm, like she accepted everything. How could she, when he was struggling with it so much? How would she feel if she knew that as angry as he was, there was a small glimmer of something in him that made him happy she was free of Stefano?

  And for what? He cared about her, it was true. His pulse quickened when she was around. But it was a giant leap from that to wanting everything. She wasn’t the same girl she’d been then, and the grownup woman before him was even more alluring. It was becoming harder and harder to reconcile the two sides of her—the woman who’d thrown their chance at a family away, to the one who claimed family meant everything now.

  The trouble was he wanted to believe in her. He’d gambled on a lot of things over the years, but he wasn’t sure he had enough daring for this.

  “Why don’t we just leave it behind for tonight? I told Matteo we’d go tomorrow, but let’s take the boat for a ride up the river.” He wanted to see a smile on Matteo’s face. Little things the boy said told Jace his childhood thus far hadn’t been ideal. And he wanted to see the wind in Anna’s hair. To see her smile, to be in the moment and not the past.

  “He would love that.”

  “And you?”

  She tried a smile, but it wobbled. “Me too.”

  Jace watched as she called the children over and then pointed to the boat bobbing gently next to the dock. He was glad he’d bought it. He was gladder still that he could buy it. He hadn’t been able to do such things even a few years ago. But now…he’d built the business enough that he could afford such things. Perhaps this was not a boat like Stefano had had. But his sails would serve no purpose here on the river, and a sleek little motorboat was just the thing. Jace hadn’t been in a position to provide things for her bac
k then, but he could now and he wanted her to know it.

  “Everyone ready?”

  He got in first, lifted Matteo over the side and then reached for Aurelia. Anna paused and then placed the baby in his hands.

  He realized it was the first time he’d held Aurelia since the bee-sting incident and she stared up at him with wide brown eyes. Unblinking, she watched him and then placed a small hand on his lower lip and pulled. Her weight felt foreign, but he couldn’t say it was a bad thing. He wondered if perhaps this wasn’t a good idea. She was so small, and suddenly he felt responsible for her welfare. Not because he had to be but…

  “Ba, ba,” she babbled and patted his mouth.

  He couldn’t help the smile that curved along his cheek. “Ba ba to you too,” he replied, shifting her into one arm and holding out a hand to help Anna get in last.

  She’d taken off her sandals and left them on the dock. Placing her hand in his, she stepped barefoot into the boat, and for a moment they both paused.

  Her hand in his. Her baby on his arm.

  And the uneasy feeling that there was a rightness to it.

  “There are lifejackets for everyone,” he said quietly, dropping her hand. He kept Aurelia on his hip, her weight surprisingly comfortable as Anna fastened hers around her waist and then helped Matteo buckle his. No one spoke. He wondered if she were thinking about Stefano, and how he had drowned. There had been no question when he’d bought the boat. Everyone would have life vests and wear them. Even little Aurelia, whose orange jacket crowded her chin and made her fuss.

  Jace noticed the white line around Anna’s lips and wondered if this was her first time on the water since Stefano’s accident. He hadn’t given it a thought. She was hiding her fear and he sought to reassure her.

  “I won’t go too fast, I promise.”

  “I trust you, Jace.”

  Her face was white and he reached down and cupped her jaw. “Thank you.”

  He wouldn’t break that trust a second time. He vowed it as he turned the key and started the engine.

  “She’ll be fine once we’re moving,” he suggested, pulling on his own vest and zipping it up. The low rumble filled the air, making Matteo’s eyes widen. Jace untied them from the dock and gently pushed away. He looked back. Anna was sitting with Aurelia on her lap and Matteo close beside her. A mother bear protecting her cubs. His heart clubbed at the sight of them. He would look after them. He wished she understood that.

  At the touch of a button the motor lowered into the water, and Jace tested the throttle, propelling them forward.

  “Mama!”

  Anna turned her head. “Yes, sweeting?”

  “We’re moving.”

  Jace hid a smile. He knew exactly how Matteo was feeling. Now this was a toy that was fun. These were the kinds of things he’d missed growing up and had experienced vicariously through his association with the Morellis. He steered them around the bend in the river, and suddenly the sparkling water lay spread out before them. He looked back, grinned and pushed the throttle forward. Anna’s eyes widened and he let off…not too fast.

  The boat leapt over the water and Jace’s hair blew off his face. The wind was cool and soft from the water. They were alone on the river tonight. He looked back to see Matteo with wide eyes taking in everything on the riverbanks and Anna, holding Aurelia in her arms. Aurelia had quieted and her mouth made a tiny, perfect “O” as she pointed a chubby finger at a crane that took off, wide wings flapping and legs dangling, as the boat disturbed the peace. Anna’s smile was soft and warm, and her hair blew back from her neck in long, rich waves.

  He swallowed thickly and turned back to face the front, steering down the middle of the river with the sun flickering through the trees. This family could have been his. But did he want it? He had a good life. He was free to do what he wanted, when he wanted. By relying on his own judgment and wits, he’d bought Two Willows and made it flourish, and now he was expanding. He could provide for his parents. He knew better than most that nothing came without sacrifice. Being lonely now and again had been a small price to pay. And he was smart enough to know that the impulses he was feeling where Anna was concerned had more to do with what had happened in the past than with what he really wanted in the present.

  Which was stupid. Because the past was done and couldn’t be changed.

  He would be Uncle Jace, not Papa, and that was just fine.

  After several minutes he turned in a half circle and slowed, leaving the boat to idle gently as it bobbed on the waves of their wake.

  “That was fun.” Matteo’s eyes danced. He stood from his seat, staggering a little at the uneven footing. Jace shot out a hand and gripped his arm, flashing a smile at the alarm that had flickered in the boy’s eyes.

  “Would you like to drive?”

  “Me?”

  “Are you sure it’s all right, Jace?” Anna interrupted and he turned to see a furrowed brow above worried eyes.

  “He will be safe,” Jace assured her. “I promise.”

  “Sit here, on my knee.” He patted his leg and Matteo climbed aboard. “I’ll make us go a little faster, like this.” He put his hand on the throttle, moving them forward slowly. “You put your hands on the wheel here, and you steer.”

  Matteo’s hands gripped the wheel, his arms stiff.

  “Relax. I’ll make us go a little faster, okay? And you will turn us in a circle.”

  He sped up slightly, then guided Matteo’s hands as they went around. They were nearly facing upriver again when Matteo turned his head and looked up at Jace, grinning from ear to ear. “I did it.”

  Jace’s heart thudded. He looked so much like Alex. He wondered if Anna saw the resemblance to Matteo’s true uncle. Or if she looked at him and saw Stefano.

  “Do you want to take us home?”

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  “Maybe next time we’ll let your mama drive, hmmm?”

  “Mama says she is scared of the water.”

  Matteo kept his hands on the wheel, but Jace went still. He looked back at her to see if she’d heard. Her face was pure white. Why would she be afraid? They had always gone swimming as children. Perhaps it was because of Stefano. He knew her well enough to know even as unhappy as she’d been, she never would have wanted Stefano to suffer such a fate. She wasn’t that cruel. Perhaps his accident had left more of an indelible mark than he’d originally thought.

  “Forgive me, Anna. I didn’t realize. I…” But he didn’t know what else to say, not with Matteo sitting on his knee. The boy didn’t need to hear them talk about how his father died.

  Anna knew what Jace was thinking, but correcting him was impossible. “It’s okay. They say you should do that which you are afraid of.”

  The words drifted away on the slight wind created by the boat, but stuck in Anna’s chest. There were so many things she was afraid of, and she’d come here to hide away from them. Only to be faced with the biggest fear of all.

  She was falling for Jace all over again.

  He smiled at her and it hurt her deep inside. Never would she have imagined him being so good with her children. The way he’d been patient with Matteo, taking the time to show him…it was something that Stefano had never done.

  She’d stepped onto the boat to prove something to both of them. To prove to Jace she was independent and that he didn’t affect her. To prove to herself she could do it. To face the demon and make it go away. All of it had backfired. He hadn’t been reckless or any of the things she kept telling herself he was. He’d been caring and respectful and generous.

  He’d become the boy he’d been back then. The one she’d loved unreservedly. Knowing those qualities were still inside him, she was deathly afraid that if she weren’t careful, he’d have the means to break her heart all over again.

  They went back to Two Willows at a much slower pace, Matteo loving every second at the wheel. Jace pointed out several osprey nests along the way, and once they saw one dive and rise up with a s
almon in its talons. Matteo was suitably thrilled, and from the look on Jace’s face, he was enjoying himself too. These sorts of moments were something she hadn’t considered until now. But Matteo was loving having a male presence in his life. Even these few moments were more than Stefano had ever bothered with.

  That first night Jace had been so uptight, worrying about messes, and she’d felt the censorious glare on her back as she’d tended to the children. But in the last few days he had relaxed. He was good with them, and they responded to him. Today alone, he’d taken Matteo shopping for a boat, had concocted a picnic, and now their dark heads were pressed together as they steered the boat home.

  The idea put a small dent in her heart. But it wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t be fair to Matteo or Aurelia. They would only get attached and have to leave again. Her life was not here. She was only here to figure out what to do next. And what was best for her children was consistency.

  And then the two of them laughed and Anna tried very hard not to make wishes. Sometimes, when she and Jace weren’t arguing, it felt right.

  When they got back, he tied up the boat and got out first, then took the children and Anna last. She refused to meet his eyes. She didn’t want him to see her feelings, and right now they were riding very close to the surface.

  “I didn’t know you were afraid,” he murmured as Matteo took enjoyment from tossing the lifejackets onto the seats of the boat. “I should have realized…after the accident.”

  He did think it was all about Stefano, then. Knowing it was something else entirely made physical pain cut into her like a knife, stinging and sharp. Now he was being solicitous and it was lovely. It was a gesture of peace. And damned if it didn’t endear him to her all the more. He couldn’t know that his kindness hurt her almost as much as his harsh words of the afternoon had.

  “My fear of the water isn’t rational, and I didn’t want to deny the children—or you—the enjoyment. I had to do it sometime.”

  “I had hoped you would have fun too. That perhaps there hasn’t been much fun lately.” He squeezed her fingers. “Anna,” he prodded.