“I do no such thing!”
“You have to. Then get to Miss Cyrena’s. You’ll be safe there.”
“Safe from what?” Her mouth was all puckered.
“From the law.” I got on my knees and leaned over the seat and flipped the back-door latch. “If they don’t listen to me and Daddy, things could be bad.”
“You not thinkin’ straight. If them Jenkins boys find me, it for sure be bad.” She pulled her door closed again. “I done made up my mind from the start. I take what comes, but I ain’t spendin’ my days hidin’ like a river rat. I gotta tell what I done. If the law says I need punishment, that the way it’ll be.”
I unlatched the door again. “But you don’t deserve to be punished! Get outta here.”
She pulled the door closed and pushed the lock down. “Stop this foolishness. You make me get out here, I go straight to the law right now.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I do. I understand real clear. A body can’t run from what they done. They carry it with them inside. It fester and spread like poison if it’s buried. It gotta be out in the air where it can heal.” She opened her palms to the sky. “Someday you understand that, too.” She locked her eyes on mine. “I hope someday real soon.” The look she gave me threw water on the hot coals burnin’ inside me.
She’s ashamed of me. That thought coming clear sucked the air from my lungs. I wanted to lay down in the front seat and hide my face.
Daddy come back and opened my car door. “Okay. Let’s go in.”
I spun around.
“Why are you cryin’?” he asked.
I got out and walked past him. “I ain’t.” I didn’t stop until I was inside the restroom with the door locked behind me.
The roads started to get some familiar and I got to itchin’ all over. Then I saw the water tower and my stomach tied itself in a knot. The sun was low, making the tank look orange instead of silver, and the paint that said CAYUGA SPRINGS look black and not blue, but we was home. I wanted to tell Daddy to stop the car and wait until dark before we drove into town.To let me out so I could run off. My ears got hot when I realized I was the one I wanted to keep safe from punishment. I was shameful and selfish, just like Eula thought.
“Does everybody know?” I asked.
“Know what?” Daddy looked at me. “That we found you?”
That wasn’t what I meant. I wanted to know if everybody knew I run off to my momma and she didn’t want me, but I couldn’t make myself say it out loud. I nodded.
“Of course. Otherwise they’d have kept worrying and looking. We told Sheriff Reese and he spread the word.”
“Oh.”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?”
Right then we turned a corner and passed Patti Lynn’s house. I sat up straight, hoping to see her outside, but the sidewalk and porch and driveway was all empty. A big yellow bow was on one of the porch posts. “What’s that?”
Daddy smiled. “It’s a sign that someone is waiting for you to come home.”
“For me?”
“Yep. Mamie said it’s something folks did back in the War; girls wore yellow ribbons for their soldiers. There was a song or a movie or something about it.”
“Did Mamie wear one for Granddad?” He didn’t come home from the War, so I wondered if she did, how she decided when to stop.
“I reckon she did, since she was the one who told me about it.”
I turned in my seat to stare at the ribbon that said Patti Lynn missed me. It made me feel really good and more ashamed at the same time.
We drove the rest of the way home, going the same way Patti Lynn and I rode our bikes to each other’s house. I wished Daddy could have just let me off at Patti Lynn’s, where I was missed.
Our house didn’t have a big, fancy front porch like Patti Lynn’s. It had a cracked-up set of concrete steps without anything to keep the rain off you when you rang the doorbell. Out in the front yard was a sweet-gum tree. Tied around it was a yellow bow. This one wasn’t big and puffy like Patti Lynn’s, more like a stringy afterthought. But it surprised me that it was there at all. Then I remembered Daddy had been home from the Gulf for two weeks.
Knowing he missed me and didn’t just come get me ’cause Lulu was throwin’ me out and he didn’t have a choice made me feel some better. I pointed at it. “You missed me, too.”
“I did. But I wasn’t the one who tied that ribbon there.”
“Patti Lynn?”
He shook his head like I was being silly. “Your mamie put it there.”
You coulda knocked me over with a feather. “She did?”
“Why do you sound so surprised?”
“Mamie hates me.”
Daddy looked like he wanted to jump out of the car; he never liked arguing with me about Mamie. But he stuck. “No, she doesn’t. She loves you.”
“She wishes I wasn’t never born, so I’d say she hates me all right.”
His face got dark red under his tan. “Did she say that?”
Daddy sounded so mad, I almost lied. But Eula had said a person had to own up to what they done. “She did. Once . . . or twice, I don’t ’member. She was mad.”
Daddy was breathing real loud. It went on so long, I got worried. “Daddy?”
“She didn’t mean it. She says a lot of things she doesn’t mean when she’s mad.” Then he looked at me. “You get your stubborn streak from her, you know. Sometimes watchin’ you two is like watchin’ two mules standin’ eye to eye in a road plenty wide for you to pass.”
“I ain’t like her. Not one little bit.”
“Okay. Think what you want.”
I crossed my arms. “I will.” Then I caught myself with my lips all pinched up like Mamie’s when she was exaserbated with me, so I smoothed ’em back out, careful not to look over at Daddy.
I wished I could go live with Daddy on the oil rig and Mamie could sit here and eat all of her special bridge-club snacks without me. I wouldn’t have to go to school then either. I could maybe earn my keep by making beds or doing dishes. I was spinnin’such a good picture in my head, I was a little startled when Daddy said,“Mamie does love you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t care how you behaved as long as you were out of her hair. She was a wreck while you were gone—she couldn’t eat or sleep. She’s just so afraid . . .”Then he stopped and scrubbed his hand over his face.
“Afraid of what?” I knew exactly what she was afraid of, she’d told me a hundred times. But I didn’t know if Daddy knew.
Then I could see. He knew. He just didn’t want to say it. Probably ’cause he was afraid of the same thing. After meetin’ Lulu, I was some scared myself.
“Mamie just wants you to grow up to be a good person,” he finally said. “To learn to live right, get along with people, and be happy.”
“Ha!” I slapped my knee. “That’s a good one. She’s only worried about what people will think.”
“There’s more to it than that, Starla. Even if it seems like she’s just trying to make your life miserable, she does want you to be happy. Part of being happy in life is accepting the rules. I’ve asked a lot of her . . . I didn’t realize . . .”
“You asked a lot of me, too!” My ears was getting hot again. “I never wanted to live with Mamie. Nobody ever asks me what I want!”
All the sudden my door opened up. Mamie pulled me out onto the grass between the sidewalk and street. She hugged me tight. I could hear her breathing was ragged. Just when I started to think things was gonna be all right, she grabbed my shoulders, her fingers diggin’ in, in that too familiar way. She got right so we was nose to nose and I knew what was coming. But it come so fast, I didn’t get braced. She shook me so hard my teeth clacked together.
My head spun and my tongue bled copper in my mouth.
Such commotion broke out that I had a hard time keeping up with what was happening. Daddy yanked me away from Mamie at the same time Eula jumped out of the backseat. Baby James didn’t like being lef
t so he started caterwaulin’. Mamie first was crying to Daddy that she was sorry, then started shoutin’ and swattin’ at Eula to get away from her. Ernestine come running from the LeCounts like she expected a fire.
“Mother! That’s enough,” Daddy yelled. “Enough!”
“She’s attackin’ me!” She took another swat at Eula.
Eula wasn’t doing nothin’ but standing in between Mamie and me. She wasn’t even looking at Mamie. If Mamie’d hold still for half a second, she might figure that out.
“She is not,” Daddy said. “Calm yourself down.”
Ernestine was standing off to the side, wringing her apron.
I spit the blood out on the ground. I was some mad at myself. I hadn’t been caught that unprepared for a long time.
Daddy put his hand under my chin. “Let’s see.”
I stuck my tongue out. It was still numb and hadn’t started hurting yet.
“Go inside and get some ice on that.” He looked at Eula. “You and the baby go with her.”
“That colored—”
“Stop! Just stop, Mother.” As I climbed the steps, I heard him tell Ernestine thank-you and to go on home. Then he said to Mamie, “We need to talk.”
29
t
he house was creepy quiet, the way it always was when Mamie was brewin’ a storm. Usually I just went up to my room and stayed out of her way, but I didn’t have to. Mamie had gone to her room—off the living room where it wasn’t so danged hot—and slammed the door. I don’t know what Daddy had said to her after I’d come inside, but when she’d come in, her face was red and her lips pinched tight. She didn’t even look at me or Eula when she’d walked into the kitchen to snatch up her cigarettes and matches.
By the time Daddy come in, it was getting dark enough outside that Eula that had turned on the kitchen light. He went straight to the cabinet and pulled out three bowls and a box of Frosted Flakes—they was Daddy’s favorite, too. “This’ll get us by.” He got the milk bottle out of the refrigerator. “I want you to eat and go to bed,” he said to me.
“I ain’t goin’ to bed. Eula needs me when the sheriff comes.” “I think we’ve all had enough today. Tomorrow’ll be soon enough for the sheriff.” He looked to Eula. “You need anything special for the baby?”
“Need to mix up more formula is all.”
“What do you need?” he asked.
I said, “Canned milk, water, and Karo syrup.” My tongue was numb from the ice and syrup was thyrup. “We used reg’lar milk at Eula’s house, but she says canned is better.”
Daddy looked at me kinda surprised.
“I learned a lot while I was gone.”
“I reckon you did.” He opened the cabinet and shuffled some things around. He pulled out a can of Pet evaporated milk and held it up. “This?”
I beat Eula to telling him it was. Before I met baby James, I just thought canned milk was used in Mamie’s coffee and fancy desserts— the ones only bridge club got.
“There’s only one can.” He looked a little worried. “Will that be enough for tonight?”
“He’s just born and only takes a little dab at a time, Daddy.” I laughed at his silliness. Eula had stopped even trying to beat me at an answer.
He looked at me like he did sometimes when he’d been gone for a long time and I’d grown a lot. Then he pulled out the Karo bottle from the cabinet and set it on the counter next to the milk.
I started to get up and mix it, but Daddy told me to sit down and eat, then I was supposed to take a bath and go to bed.
“I had a bath last night.”
He frowned at me.
“Okay. Okay.” Then I asked, “Where’s Eula sleepin’?”
“She and the baby can have my room. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Mamie won’t like it,” I said, my stomach getting tight.
When he looked at me, he had a funny expression on his face, like he didn’t really care what Mamie thought. I considered that for a minute. Daddy never did stuff to make Mamie mad. Truth be told, Mamie always thought whatever Daddy did was just fine and dandy, so maybe it was Mamie who was actin’ strange. Everything was upside down.
I knew there was no way to not take a bath and get away with it—I’d tried plenty of times. So I hurried as fast as I could, not even waiting for hot water, or doing more soapin’than rubbing my chest with the bar of Lux so I could pass the sniff test. After I put on my pj’s, I went to the vent that let the heat from the kitchen into the upstairs hall. It was closed in the summer, but the lever to open it was on my side. I moved it real slow and careful. I could see Daddy sitting at the table.
He was holding James while Eula was at the counter mixing formula. James looked really little in Daddy’s arms, hardly big enough to be a baby at all. Daddy was looking at him. “Wish I could start over with Starla. I did everything wrong. All of it.”
Eula stopped stirring and turned around. She didn’t say anything, just waited.
He looked at Eula. “How bad was it for her . . . with Lucinda?”
I saw Eula’s shoulders move, like she’d breathed a big breath. “Bad.” She waited for a second, then said, “She broke that child’s heart.”
I laid my cheek against the wood floor. I didn’t want to hear about Lulu or Nashville ever again. Some tears got loose. I let them roll off my cheeks and nose, making a wet place on the floor.
I was just thinking about getting up and going to my room before I had to sniffle when Daddy said, “How can I fix this?” I’d never heard him sound so small.
Eula stood there, quiet as a tree stump.
Daddy looked at her.
“It ain’t my place to speak out,” Eula said, and she turned to the counter again.
“Well, I sure as hell can’t ask my mother! I had no idea she was so . . . rough. She was never that way with me.” Daddy swiped his free hand across his face. “Starla respects you, your kindness. You must be doing something right. Help me. Please.”
For a long while Eula just stood there stirring.Then she sighed loud enough I could hear clear up where I was.
I held my breath, wondering what she’d say . . . if she say anything.
Finally she said, “A child only want one thing; her momma and daddy’s love. It don’t take more’n that.”
“I do love her!”
“Mebbe that so. But I ain’t sure she knows it, not down in her bones where it count. Her momma, and what I see of her granny—” Eula cut off sharp, like she was afraid she’d said too much. After spending so much time with her, learning about her life, I understood why. But Daddy wasn’t like most. He wouldn’t get mad at her for answering his question.
His head bowed and he shook it slow. “I know . . . I know. I shoulda known before now.”
Eula stood like she was getting some starch. “You know now. The question is, what you gonna do about it?”
I’d never seen my daddy cry, but I think maybe that’s what he was doing right then.
I woke up in the middle of the night. I was hot and thirsty and my insides was busier than usual. I went to the bathroom and got a drink of water. On the way back to my room, I flipped open the register in the floor to check and see if Eula was down there feeding James. The kitchen was dark. I stopped at the door to Daddy’s room. It was quiet. James was letting Eula sleep. I put my hand on the doorknob.
It wasn’t right to wake her up. I shouldn’t, I couldn’t.
I’d just peek in, make sure she was all right. I opened the door slow and quiet, just enough for me to get my head around the edge. The moon come silver and bright through the window. I saw one of the drawers from Daddy’s dresser was on the floor next to the bed. I reckoned James was inside. Eula was under the sheet, still and quiet. I was some disappointed. Temptation tickled me and I almost made a little noise to see if she roused up. I don’t know why I was feeling the need to hear her voice. It was shameful selfish of me. Tomorrow was gonna be an awful day with the sheriff coming, and she need
ed sleep.
I pulled the door closed.
“Starla?” she whispered. “That you, child?”
I pushed the door back open. “Yeah.”
“Can’t sleep?”
“Uh-uh.”
She patted the mattress. “Come on over here. Watch now, James on the floor.”
“I see him.” I tiptoed to the bed and laid down next to her. My insides felt less jittery right away.
Eula petted my hair. Each stroke of her hand smoothed out more jitters.
“What’s botherin’ you?” she asked.
“Everything.”
“Can’t be everything. You with your daddy. That good. You gonna see you friend Patti Lynn real soon. That good, too.”
“Yeah.”
“So it’s somethin’ else.”
I reckoned it was. I hadn’t been able to say exactly what had my insides so worked up, but all of the sudden it was clear as day. And Eula was the only person I wanted to talk to about it. “I been wonderin’ . . . what if . . . what if Mamie’s right?”
Eula made a sound like she didn’t think Mamie could be right about anything. But she said, real nice, “’Bout what?” I reckon she’d had a lot of practice saying nice things when they wasn’t what she was thinking at all.
“’Bout me turnin’ into Lulu.”There, it was out. My heart felt a little lighter, but still bounced around like a moth in my chest.
“You ain’t like her.” Eula sounded like she meant it—not shy or oversweet like she was just being nice.
“But her hair was colored. It’s really red, like mine. And she run off . . . so did I. And Mamie said Lulu always leaped before she looked, just like me.”
“You just a child and got some growin’ up to do is all. I see you learnin’ every day ’bout how to think things through. You ain’t like your momma on the inside, not one little bit. Never will be. People is born one way or t’other. Life change a body some, but their nature stay the same. They might can hide for a time, but they don’t change in their soul where it count. You kind and generous and protect the people you love. I bet your momma was never any of those.”
I thought for a minute. “But you said Wallace wasn’t always how I saw him. You said he changed.”
Whistling Past the Graveyard Page 27