by Luccia Gray
“Good morning, Mrs. Rochester. Here is your tea. What will you have for breakfast today?”
I turned back into the dining room. “Good morning, Michael. Come here! Look, what a beautiful day!”
He stood beside me, “May I?” he said wickedly.
“You may, my dearest,” I replied, as I held his hand. It was so real, so warm and firm. “But only until Adele comes down.”
“Did you sleep well, mistress?”
“Yes, very well. I have recovered my daughter and I have you. I don’t need anything else at all.”
I pulled his hand up to my mouth and brushed my lips over his bruised knuckles, pushing away the memory of Carter’s battered and terrified face.
“I don’t remember how I got into my bed last night and woke up with Adele this morning. Tell me what happened, Michael.”
“You were exhausted after your fight with Dr. Carter, so you sat by the fire and fell asleep.”
“In your arms, by the fireplace?”
“Yes, mistress.” He turned my hand over and his lips caressed my palms, sending ripples along my arm.
“That’s the last thing I remember.”
“The last thing? Are you sure?” He smiled wickedly again.
“I dreamt you kissed me.”
“It wasn’t a dream. I asked for permission, and then I kissed you.”
“Did anything else happen?”
“I asked for permission to touch your feet.”
“And I agreed?”
“You did.”
“And then I fell asleep?”
“You did.”
“How did I get to my room?”
“I carried you up.”
“I’m afraid you are making a habit of carrying me to my room.”
“Adele asked me to. I told her you had fallen asleep in the library.”
“Please be strong, my dearest, do what I asked you to do yesterday, and remember we must be very, very careful. Adele will not betray me, but I think she suspects.”
“Dr. Carter?”
“Carter will not speak. He has been bought, and anyway, he is frightened out of his wits. Do not worry about him. It is the rest of the household that concerns me. I may have to be distant with you in the presence of others. Trust me until after the funeral, just one more week. Everything will change after that.”
“Shall I close the window? You may catch cold.”
“It is such a beautiful day! It smells so delicious! I think I shall have some eggs, cake and tea for breakfast. I’m terribly hungry.”
He turned to leave, trying to pull away his hand from mine, but I tightened my hold.
“Stay here and share this moment with me a little longer.”
“I can hear Adele coming down the staircase. Please sit down and let me close the window.”
I sat at the table and poured out some tea humming Vivaldi’s ‘Autumn’.
“It’s freezing in here! Michael, did you open the window? Are you quite mad?”
He smiled and locked it back into place. “Sorry, Miss Adele. I was just checking the latch. I thought it might be rusty, but it’s all right. What can I bring you for breakfast?”
“I’ll have whatever Jane’s having. Oh, and bring up her piece of Halloween cake we brought back from the Arms last night. It’s a single slice with thick white icing.”
When he left, Adele turned to me maliciously. “Michael is acting very strangely lately.”
“I hadn’t noticed. In what way?”
“He’s unusually distant with me. I asked him to help me write to Mr. Greenwood, and he told me he was too busy. He is always too busy for me now. It’s because you told him off for helping me hide Mr. Greenwood’s correspondence, I’m sure of it.”
“He probably is too busy, Adele.”
“He might be upset because I’m taking his sister to Italy. They have never been apart for a single day. Do you think he will dare to try and stop her coming with me?”
“Of course not.”
“How do you know?”
“I know because I asked him, and he told me he thought it would be good for Susan to be able to travel abroad.”
“Perhaps he lied not to displease you.”
“Michael is not a liar, Adele. I trust him.”
I realised too late that I had spoken too passionately. She stared at me in disbelief and spoke spitefully.
“Yes, he’s a good boy. Younger than John, isn’t he?”
It suddenly dawned on me that I was smitten by a boy who was my son’s age. I felt disgusted at myself. What was I doing? There was no possible future in our relationship. He was half my age and a valet. I couldn’t allow the scandal to affect my son.
Michael came in with the tray full of food and Adele insisted on humiliating me cruelly. “Michael, how much younger are you than John?”
“I’m afraid I do not know how old Master John is, Miss Adele.”
“He is twenty-one, is he not, Jane? He will not be twenty-two until spring. Am I right, Jane?”
I nodded, unable to bring myself to utter a single word.
“How old are you, Michael?”
“I will be twenty-two in December, Miss Adele.”
He served the eggs on our plates, laid a plate with the Halloween cake on the table to my right, and stood behind us while we ate.
“See, Jane, he’s just a few months older than John. There’s your Halloween cake.” She pushed it towards me smugly. “Well, eat up Jane, you said you were hungry. Look for your message in the cake.”
“I’m not hungry anymore.” I pushed my plate away in disgust. “Michael, take it back to the kitchen for someone else to eat.”
“Cook will be most disappointed, Mrs. Rochester. She would like you to eat a hearty breakfast.”
“Thank you, Michael, I agree. Jane, you must eat the cake we brought you! If you don’t, it will bring you bad luck for the year ahead!”
I had a knot in my chest, which was making its way up to my throat. “I can’t,” I whispered, devastated.
“Mrs. Rochester, would you like me to take your breakfast into the library? I lit the fire earlier this morning. Perhaps you would like to have breakfast by the fireplace. It is a little cold in the dining room today.”
“Yes, perhaps I would. Do you mind, Adele?”
“Not at all. John will be down soon. Have breakfast in the library if you prefer it, but please, Jane, do eat it all, won’t you?”
I nodded and followed Michael into the library. He pushed the armchair nearer to the fireplace and wheeled over a table with the breakfast tray. I sat down, suddenly saddened.
“Mrs. Rochester.”
“Please leave Michael.”
I could not bear to look at him. He was twenty-one, barely a few months older than my son. What on earth did I think I was doing?
He knelt beside me. “Please, may I?”
I shook my head as tears slid down my cheeks, but he insisted, “Age does not matter. It is not important.”
“It is, Michael. You are too young to understand. I am forty-two years old! Almost double your age! What was I thinking of? This is madness, Michael. We must stop!”
“It does not matter how old you are, or how old I am. What matters is that you can trust me with your life and I will help you find your daughter. You know I am right.”
I did know he was right. I needed him. He was the only person in the house who was completely loyal to me and I could not imagine a single day in my life without him.
“May I touch you?”
I surrendered and instantly his thumbs wiped my tears away, as his face approached mine. His breath caressed my ear, and I was lost under his spell once more.
“Let me love you, my mistress,” he whispered, and I was enwrapped in the melody of his words.
“How do you do this to me? I am mesmerised.”
“I love you,” he whispered, as he kissed my neck.
“Michael, I feel quite dizzy, and I can’t think
when you do this to me. I can hardly breathe.”
He moved away. “Then I shall leave and you shall eat. I shall see you at lunch, unless you need me before then.”
“Come back to poke the fire in an hour. I miss you when I do not see you. But just poke the fire. Don’t you “May I” me anymore this morning. I need my wits about me.”
We heard a knock on the door as he stood up to leave. I asked who it was and John stepped in. They greeted each other amiably at the threshold, and my heart stopped for a moment. I held my breath at the sight of the two men I most loved in the world together. I wasn’t prepared to lose either of them. An unexpected sigh escaped from my tight chest, reminding me it was an impossible dream that would never last. My son should never know what a monster his father had been, or how recklessly his mother was behaving at that very moment.
***
Chapter XIX A Red Button
“Good morning, Mother. I came to see how you were.”
“I’m very well, John.”
“Have you eaten breakfast yet?”
“I’m about to do so. Would you like to join me?”
“I just ate with Adele, but I’ll stay while you eat. Try your cake first, there’s a prize in it!”
I started eating the piece of cake, searching inside for the prophetic token.
“How is Father?”
“Not very well, I’m afraid. We have to prepare for the worst to happen, John. Your father is very ill. He’s not getting better. There may not be much time left.”
“It saddens me to hear such bad news, but if his pain cannot be mitigated, I do not wish him to suffer any further. I will accept God’s will.”
“You are very brave, John. Your father has had a good life, shortened by his unfortunate pursuit of inappropriate women. Make sure you learn from his mistakes.”
“I will, Mother. How are you feeling? You fell asleep in the library yesterday after a disagreement with Dr. Carter. Adele was so worried, she insisted on sleeping with you. Will you be all right for the dinner party this evening?”
“Don’t worry about me, John, I’m perfectly well. I’m looking forward to this evening’s dinner.”
“Bishop Templar will be very pleased to see you again. He thinks the world of you. I also feel a great respect for him. He was a splendid teacher and headmaster. He helped me greatly in my formative years. Adele’s Mr. Greenwood has also read your novel and is impatient to meet you. Adele says he said it’s the best novel to have been written outside of London.”
“Mr. Greenwood is most kind and generous in his appreciation of my work.”
“Don’t be modest, Mother. We are all waiting for you to write another novel, or a sequel. We all wonder what happened to Daphne and Leonard.”
“There is nothing to wonder about. They married, had a family and lived happily ever after.”
“Mother, we both know that only happens in fairy tales and Penny Dreadful stories.”
“There is no sequel. Why does everyone want me to write a sequel? The end is the end.”
“Will you write another novel then? It’s rather exciting to have a mother who is a famous novelist.”
“I suppose one day I will write another novel, if everyone insists. But not yet.”
“You will also be meeting Annette Mason. She is looking forward to meeting you, too, Mother.”
“Indeed.”
“Mr. Mason has told me you were kind enough to allow her to meet my father, her uncle by my father’s first marriage.”
“It was a reasonable petition. Annette is not to blame for her parents’ misfortunes. Your father has been generous to her, as he was with his first wife, who unfortunately was unwell, although he looked after her until her unfortunate death. Your father is a good man, although he has sometimes made unwise choices, especially regarding women.”
“Except in your case, Mother. Thank God he met you.”
“Fortunately for me, he was much wiser when I met him. Fortunately for you, you are making the right choices. Elizabeth Harwood is a wonderful young lady; attractive, kind, intelligent, well-bred, with a wonderful family, and she loves you, John. You are a fortunate man; never take her for granted, or forget how privileged you are. A woman like that will not cross your path more than once.”
“I know you are right, Mother, but…”
“But what, John?”
“But I sometimes think I’m too young to be engaged. I would like to travel…to meet people…”
“But you will travel, once you have finished your studies and are married to Elizabeth, you will be a Member of Parliament. Mr. Crowley will be retiring in a couple of years, and the seat will be yours. You know the voting for Members of Parliament is public, everyone will vote for you when the time comes. Judge Harwood is an acquaintance of Lord Shaftsbury, who is doing so much to improve the lives of all English children by not allowing them to work under the age of thirteen, or for longer than ten hours a day. He supports the Ragged Schools and the Sunday schools for the poor children. He needs good, honest young men on his side and I know you will be one of them.”
“I would like to travel and see the world first, before I settle down.”
“If you want to travel, you could be Ambassador or Governor. There are British Government offices all over the world.”
“I have no experience.”
“With time, hard work and patience, and your wife and family’s position, you will be a great politician, John. You will be Lord Rochester, the first peer in the Rochester family. You have the perfect combination, John, your father’s nerve and energy and my patience and temperance, plus an excellent education and good connections.”
“You have everything planned, Mother. Sometimes I feel it’s a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don’t know if I will be able to live up to it.”
“You will, John, never doubt it. You will be a great Englishman. You will serve your country, making it a better place for all Englishmen.”
“I wish I could believe it were so easy.”
“I never said it would be easy, but it will be a great honour for you and all your descendants.”
“Perhaps you are right, Mother.”
“Mothers are always right, John. And remember, mothers are always there to help and support their children through thick and thin.”
“And if I should fall in love with someone else?”
“Someone else? What do you mean?”
He stood up and moved around the room nervously, finally stopping behind my armchair.
“I may have fallen in love… I’m not sure, Mother. You see, now I know I have never been in love, with anyone. Elizabeth is charming, but the sight of her does not make my pulse race. What I feel now may be love, but I’m not sure either. I’m confused.”
“Have you met someone recently who has made you feel this way?”
“I’m not sure what it is that I feel.”
“Who is it?”
“Someone who has made me think I may not be ready to marry Elizabeth.”
“But you are engaged to Elizabeth and we are all so fond of her. What will become of her future if you do not marry her? Who will ever accept a rebuffed fiancée? You will ruin her life. I forbid you to do it!”
He moved back to my side.
“Mother! Would you prefer me to marry someone I do not love with all my heart?”
“John, you are very young and impulsive. In a lifetime commitment to a person there are many factors to be considered, which are as important as love. Romantic love is ephemeral; it is strong and powerful, but it will not last. Two people who are to spend their lives together must have like minds, similar interests, needs, concerns, aspirations, background.”
“Are you sure, Mother? How was your marriage to my father?”
“We were like minds and souls, albeit from very different backgrounds. His father had not advised him well and he had a selfish, rather reckless youth, until he met me. His love for me changed him, for a while. Unf
ortunately, the change was only temporary. He wanted an eternal bride and a lifelong honeymoon. But life isn’t like that. I became a mother, a writer, a social campaigner and he did not love the Jane that was not utterly and completely devoted to him. I suppose we stopped loving each other as we had before.
“Your father is anchored in another waning generation; a generation in which landed gentlemen either command armies at war, or attend interminable dinner parties and frequent the London Season and the hunting season. A selfish generation, unconcerned with the plight of the poor or the underprivileged. A generation who never dreamed of studying at university or working for a living, because they owned enough land and servants to have anything they wanted without the slightest effort.
“John, you belong to another more modern generation of men, who are interested in knowledge, value the results of hard work, and desire to make the world a better place with less injustice. You are the first generation of Rochesters to study at Rugby, to graduate at Oxford, to desire to work away from the land and contribute to the improvement of your countrymen, instead of using their labour and spoiling their dreams. John, I am so proud of you.”
“Mother, you expect too much of me. I wish I had had brothers or sisters to share the responsibility you would thrust on me.”
“I tried so hard to have more children, John, and you can be sure that I would have been just as demanding with all of them as I am with you. You have had all the privilege and love for yourself. It is your duty to repay your country and your God for what has so generously been bestowed on you. You will love Elizabeth. She will be a good wife. She understands you and she shares your same ambitions.”
“And yours?”
“Yes, and mine. I am ambitious for you to do good, to invest your time, finance, effort and all the gifts that have been bestowed on you in making our Empire the greatest, most advanced and most Christian civilisation that has ever been known.”
“I’m not as strong or self-assured as you are.”
“It is a question of time. You will understand when the moment comes.”
“I have experienced the rush of love and I don’t want to live without it. What can I do?”
I thought of my feelings for Michael and realised I was in a similar predicament to my son.