“Micah,” I whispered. Another slew of tears began to fall. He cupped my cheeks and looked at me with so much love and tenderness. I began to sob, crumbling in his hands. Everything was over; a part of me had ceased to exist.
“I’ll never see him again. I’ll never…” My focus was on all of the nevers. My focus was on all the things Dad would miss out on, that I’d never be able to share with him. He’d never see me graduate high school. He’d never be one of those dads who videotaped the entire ceremony, and stand up in the crowd to shout, ‘That’s my daughter!’ I’d never tell him about my first job. He’d never walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. If I ever had children, they’d never know him. He’d simply be a name…a face in a picture. I’d never make any new memories with my dad.
“I’ll never…hear his laugh… or tease him again. There are… too many ‘nevers.’ I’ll never tell him…how much I love him again…” The words were hard to say as I heaved through my uncontrollable tears. Micah brushed a strand of my hair from my face and brought the tissue box, which had sat by my bed, nearer to me.
“Look at me, Charlie.” Micah held my face in his hands, his eyes steady as they searched mine. My tears began to lesson, though they still streamed down my cheeks. I tried my best to control my breathing, to focus on him, just as he said. “That’s it,” he said reassuringly, sliding his hand through my hair. “Deep breath. Just breathe…”
I closed my eyes and lowered my forehead to his chest. He held me for what seemed like hours. His constant gentle strokes on the back of my neck and down spine seemed to distract me enough to keep me calm. At least for now.
“I wanted to bring you a slushy,” he admitted, eventually breaking the quiet. “But I knew it would melt by the time I got it to you. I was afraid it might upset you more.”
“I haven’t eaten at all, anyway,” I said against his shirt.
“You haven’t?” Micah leaned back to look at me. “You need to eat, Charlie.”
“I just don’t want to.” My voice cracked as I looked up at him. “I don’t…”
Micah pushed himself up from the bed and held his hand up with a shake of his head.
“Hold tight, okay? I know I saw some brownies when I walked by the kitchen. If anything, that plate has your name on it.”
“I don’t want—”
“Stay here.” Micah ignored my protests as he slipped through my door. Even from my room, I could hear a few murmurs coming from the kitchen. I felt bad that he would have to explain who he was and why he was stealing an entire plate of brownies without me.
“It’s sweet you’re here to take care of her,” I heard a voice say. Moments later, Micah emerged with a plate of goodies.
“You have a nice family,” he said as he closed the door behind him. He took my hand and led me back to my bed. “Everyone is hurting, but they care.”
“I just feel as though…everyone’s here for a party. And it’s so not a party.”
“They just want to help. They don’t know what to do or say. I think funerals and people dying brings out something in everyone that they don’t know how to deal with.”
Micah put the plate down beside me.
“When did you become so knowledgeable about grief and families?”
Micah sighed. “When my mom left, my dad’s side all came over for a period of time. Wanted to help ‘raise’ me and, you know, baked shit. But time kinda has a funny way of weeding people out, even when they have good intentions. Families tend to disappoint you.”
A small tear rolled down my cheek. Since Dad’s death, I’d harbored a fear that his side of the family might cease to exist in my life from then on. He wasn’t there…so, what connection would they have with me anymore?
“But they’re here now, Charlie. Take that for what it’s worth. They’re here, and you’re not alone. You might feel that way now. Struggles like this have a way of isolating people, but…you’re not alone.” I knew he was trying to say, I’m here.
He gestured to the plate beside me. “So, are you going to help me eat these or what?” Micah lifted a brownie and waited until I took it. “You have to remember that you’re not the one who is gone, Charlie,” he whispered as I hesitated to take a bite. “Your dad would want you to eat a brownie. He’d want you to keep going, to keep living. You know that and I know that.”
“It’s hard. I don’t even know where to start,” I admitted. Fresh tears were already forming. “It’s so hard to think I’ll never see him again. I’ll never…he’ll only be a memory now.”
Micah nodded contemplatively. “But what a memory to have.”
MY PHONE BUZZED TO LIFE, tucked underneath my pillow as I lay in bed. My legs and feet were tangled in the sheets, with the comforter pulled over my head.
JENNIFER: How are you?
I hated that question. I hated answering it. What did everyone expect me to say? Horrible. I don’t want to be alive. Why did this happen to me? I’d do anything to bring my dad back. I hate my life.
‘Fine’ was the only acceptable answer.
CHARLIE: …
CHARLIE: sad.
JENNIFER: Yeah.
JENNIFER: Sorry, dumb question
JENNIFER: Are you coming back to school?
CHARLIE: Eventually I guess I have to
JENNIFER: It’s been weird to not have you here
JENNIFER: Everyone has been really worried about you
CHARLIE: Thanks, I guess.
JENNIFER: Micah told us he comes over to see you every day
CHARLIE: Yeah.
Micah had been coming over every day, since the day after my dad’s death. He had been there for the viewing. He had held my hand as I sobbed over my dad’s still form. He had to pull me away after I placed a single rose on my dad’s chest, a gesture of farewell. Micah had held my hand during the funeral the next day as one of the chorus members of our church sang “Ave Maria.” I knew I’d never be able to hear that song again. As her voice filled the church, I stared at the photo of my father, which stood next to the wooden urn. This was all that was left. Years of memories, years of laughter…and my father was nothing more than ash.
Since then, Micah had been sure to stop by everyday after school, to be with me, Josh and my mom.
JENNIFER: I’m glad you have him.
JENNIFER: I’m really glad he’s being so supportive
CHARLIE: Yeah…
JENNIFER: Rachel said that she and her youth group were going to come over.
JENNIFER: They’re making your family a dinner or something
CHARLIE: honestly, I have no idea.
JENNIFER: Yeah, I figured.
JENNIFER: We really miss you.
CHARLIE: I know. I miss you all too.
CHARLIE: I’m just…not ready.
JENNIFER: How much time did they give you and Josh?
CHARLIE: An extra week but I think I’m going to try…
CHARLIE: to come back to school sooner than later.
CHARLIE: Just to try.
My school had been understanding. I guess they had to be. All of the teachers had been in touch with Josh and me and had been sure to let us know we’d be able to make up missed work.
JENNIFER: That’s more than anyone can ask of you at this point.
CHARLIE: I need to do something more than just lie in bed and cry
JENNIFER: you’re totally not missing anything here
JENNIFER: Everyone is still the same.
JENNIFER: maybe a little quieter.
JENNIFER: You not being at school has definitely impacted us
JENNIFER: we all feel bad
CHARLIE: yeah
JENNIFER: How are Josh and your mom?
CHARLIE: Josh is hanging in there better than any of us.
CHARLIE: I don’t know how he really is
CHARLIE: He just…is…
CHARLIE: his friends came ov
er and tried to make me laugh.
Josh had been doing better out of the three of us. He got up every morning and checked on my mom. More often than not, he’d find her in a tearful mess in bed. I couldn’t stomach it. I couldn’t handle her pain and my own. I tried to avoid it altogether by not leaving my room. He answered the phone and greeted visiting neighbors. He had been a shield, a support system to our broken family. Ben, J, and David had been over a few nights to help with making dinner and forced me out of my room to play a board game with them.
JENNIFER: Well that’s nice
CHARLIE: My mom is taking it hard.
JENNIFER: Yeah
CHARLIE: It’s just hard
JENNIFER: Yeah :( I’m sorry Charlie
JENNIFER: just know that I’m here
CHARLIE: Yeah, thanks.
JENNIFER: <3 See you soon?
CHARLIE: Soon.
JENNIFER: K. ;)
JENNIFER: Hang in there. I’m thinking of you and your family.
CHARLIE: Thanks.
I tucked my phone underneath my pillow again and pulled the covers closer. I wanted to avoid the place of the living. I felt as though I just didn’t belong there anymore.
I WAITED A FEW DAYS before I decided to attempt school. The three of us—Josh, my mom and I—decided we’d try to go back to some sort of regular schedule. Try. We all had a plan. If we couldn’t make it through the day, we’d just go home.
Josh drove me to school, which was odd. He didn’t normally give me rides to school. Not without a good reason. Something as ordinary as going to school, suddenly felt strange.
Micah met me at my locker, leaning against the opposite set with his leg against the wall. For a moment, he looked like he belonged in a John Hughes film.
“Hey, C.”
“Hey,” I said to my stacked books. Dad. Dad isn’t here anymore. Dad is gone. Dad isn’t coming home. Dad…. Maybe I had overestimated myself. Maybe I couldn’t handle this. Maybe I should have stayed home.
“Hey.” He touched my arm and looked at me, concerned. I realized a small tear slipped down my cheek and I quickly brushed it away. “It’s okay, Charlie.”
“I just want to get to class.” I tugged my English book out. My heartbeat seemed to echo my thoughts in a steady rhythm as I walked away. Dad. Dad. Dad. I needed to focus on something else. Anything else.
Micah walked beside me, his arm hovering inches away from my waist. I knew he was trying to protect me. I knew he was trying to be there for me. As I looked at him, I knew I hardly deserved him. How odd it was to think how different our lives were just a few weeks ago.
As I went into Mrs. Tenner’s English class, I felt as though everyone was looking at me. I had suddenly transformed into that kid. The kid who would now be labeled as ‘fatherless.’ I took a seat at my usual desk and attempted to focus on the book in front of me. I fought to ignore the whirling whispers. I didn’t want to care what any of them were saying. A few classmates gave me regretful glances as they took their seats beside me. I dashed my gaze in Micah’s direction, and saw he was watching me too.
Mrs. Tenner cleared her throat at the front of the classroom, drawing the class’s attention. She began to go over the assignments for the new year, the flood of homework that would be unloaded on us, and the rest of the readings we’d be responsible for. Before long, the bell rang, signaling our dismissal to our next classes.
“I’m so sorry, Caroline, about your father,” Mrs. Tenner said to me quietly as I collected my books and backpack. I was doing everything I could to fight the tears. Why did she have to be sorry right now? Couldn’t she see that I was struggling? Didn’t she understand I didn’t want to talk about it? I didn’t need her apology.
“Thanks,” I replied and pulled my backpack strap over my shoulder. Maybe I needed to go to the office. Maybe I needed to call Josh and go hide under my bed covers again. Maybe I could get away with hiding forever.
“If you ever need anything, I’m here. I just want you to know that,” she said, clearly trying to comfort me. I gave a curt nod, then searched for Micah. He was standing by his desk, waiting for me. There was a hint of worry on his features as our gaze met briefly.
“I see Micah is here for you,” Mrs. Tenner said with a small smile. “See you tomorrow then.” She weaved her way back to her desk. I didn’t bother to respond.
Micah caught up with me at the door. His hand touched mine, causing me to pause.
“Hey…” His brown eyes studied mine. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, that’s the thing,” I snapped back and tugged my hand away. “It’s not okay, and I’m not going to just pretend to be okay.”
“No one is asking you to pretend anything,” he countered. “I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t want your help, Micah. I appreciate it, but…there’s nothing you can do. You can’t bring back my dad. There is no helping me. My dad is never coming home.”
We stood in the hallway, the rest of the students walking past us.
“I know you’re upset,” he replied.
The truth of my own words hit me as I stared at Micah. He must have seen the tremble in my chin, because he reached out for me again. His touch felt sincere and caring. Micah’s arms wrapped around me as I fell apart. Everything was unraveling again. I dug my fingers into Micah’s shoulders as I cried. I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t care about anything other than the huge hole in my heart. I wanted to feel like I belonged in my own skin again. I wanted to feel connected to the world again. But everything was different now. Everyone was still living their perfect lives, while mine was destroyed. Over.
Micah held me tightly against him, until I felt other hands tugging at the strap of my backpack.
“Let’s get her to the nurse’s office,” the voice said from behind me. David. Micah held me up as I tried to wipe away the tears from my face.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped between sobs. I’m sorry you have to see me this way.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Charlie,” Micah replied. “Absolutely nothing.”
“You don’t deserve this,” I responded breathlessly. I’m such a mess.
“You don’t either,” David said as we walked. “None of you do.”
The nurse looked at me sympathetically as Micah and David led me into the small office. I took a seat on one of the beds and was instantly greeted with a tissue box.
“You can stay here for a bit, if you’d like,” the nurse said with an understanding nod. She looked back at Micah and David. “You’ll need to head back to class, though.”
“I’d like to stay with her,” Micah replied. “Please. At least until she calms down.”
The nurse seemed to contemplate his request, and eventually nodded. “All right, just this once, Jacobs.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Pierce,” Micah said. David didn’t hide the concern in his eyes.
“I’ve got it,” Micah reassured him.
“I’ll check in with her later,” David said. He patted Micah on the shoulder. I took another tissue and wiped my nose as Micah took a seat beside me.
“You don’t have to stay,” I muttered. “I don’t want you to miss class.”
“I don’t really care. I’d rather be here anyway.”
Mrs. Pierce took a seat at her desk to attend the other students coming in. I directed my attention back to Micah. I wondered what he thought of all this. Everything had been so normal. And then suddenly, in a mere second, all of it felt gone. Normalcy died with my dad.
“I wish we could go back to New Year’s Eve,” I told him, once we were alone. Micah’s lips turned in a small smile as he gazed at me. My hand drifted to the small chain around my neck; the small silver heart felt cool between my thumb and forefinger.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “Me too.” He reached out to touch my knee with a brush of his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I was sorry about everything. My voice seemed to quiver from the exhaustion of my emotions. Micah’s eyes softened as he shook his head.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Was it selfish to just want my old life back?
“I’m not going anywhere, Charlie,” Micah said. His brown eyes caught mine as he reached to tip my chin up. “I’m not going anywhere. Do you understand me?”
I only stared at him, my chin trembling.
“I think everything we’ve been through, everything...just solidifies that,” Micah continued.
I nodded. I couldn’t argue with that.
“No matter what, I’m going to be here for you, Charlie. I’ll always be here for you.”
I knew I had no reason to doubt him. Micah always stayed true to his word. But there was an ever-growing amount of doubt beginning to swell within my gut.
Nothing could ever be guaranteed. There were no such things as promises. We never knew when life would throw a wrench into the mix and ruin everything. Micah could promise to stay forever, but I knew better.
Nothing was forever.
WEEKS PASSED WITH A BLUR. School. Home. Dinner. Bed. School. Home. Dinner. Bed.
The Songs We Remember: A Young Adult Romance (The Songs in Our Hearts Book 2) Page 11