by Vi Carter
“I’m not going crazy like mother, so you don’t have to worry; you're free of any responsibility towards me.” My heart pounded. Jesus, I wanted out of this car. I should have just said fine.
“You're my sister.” His words had no attached emotion with them, and I just couldn’t.
“Don’t, Emmett. Please just drop me home and leave it at that.” I was breathing heavily, and I stared out the window. I refused to acknowledge him. I knew he watched me, and I squirmed several times. The three-hour journey was like a slow ride to hell. We didn’t speak again for the whole way back to my apartment, and when the building came into view, I actually let out a sigh of relief. I finally looked at Emmett, he was looking out the window at my building, the distaste on his face as clear as day.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said, angry again at his judgemental attitude. I started getting ready to leave.
“Let me walk you to your door.” Emmett sounded so awkward again that I almost felt sorry for him.
I opened the door but turned to him. “It’s okay,” I said. Relief was visible for a second before he schooled his features. He looked unsure, but took a business card from his pocket.
“My cell is on that. If you need me.” I swallowed the lump that rose in my throat as I took the card. I looked at him one last time.
“I don’t need you,” I said as I closed the door.
My body felt stiff as I made my way inside the building. Taking the steps two at a time, I hurried to get away from Emmett. Once I reached the landing, I found myself looking out the window. The Bentley still sat in the driveway. “Leave, Emmett,” I said, but my words held my pain. They wanted him to be a brother, yet the need for him to leave was stronger. The car pulled away, and I leaned against the wall, trying to sort out what I was feeling, but there was too much.
I put the key in the apartment door, and loud voices sounded as I entered. I groaned inwardly. Craig and Amber stopped fighting when I entered, and before I could even put my bag down, Amber was there in front of me.
“Jesus Grace, are you okay?” I was in her arms, and I didn’t need her to do that.
“Where is your phone?” Craig sounded angry. Amber let me go, but still held my arms.
“Grace?” She wanted an explanation, and obviously so did Craig.
“My car broke down, and it’s just been horrible,” I said. Amber continued to study me, but Craig seemed to relax. Amber let me go and I rummaged through my bag, my phone was dead. I waved it at Craig. “Dead,” I said, while forcing a smile.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
GRACE
“DEREK’S WORRIED ABOUT you too,” Amber said. My heart jumped at his name, and for the first time in hours a real smile spread across my face. “Really?” Amber now gave me a smile. “Yeah, really. He was ringing you, too.”
“Where’s your car now? And how did you get here? And why do you look like you’ve been crying?” Craig fired all his questions at me.
“Lord, Craig, she’s only in the door, give her a moment. And girls cry when their cars break down," Amber said before turning to me. I could have kissed her for covering for me, but her eyes told me we would talk later.
“Why don’t you wash up? You smell like car fumes and oil, and I’ll make us something to eat.” God, I loved her. I hugged her tightly, startling her a bit before making my way to the bathroom.
“What about my hug?” Craig asked, standing in the middle of the room with his arms outstretched, his eyes closed and lips puckered. I widened my eyes at Amber, this was her chance, she looked at Craig and then at me, shaking her head while mouthing 'Are you crazy?' I rolled my eyes. If she liked him she sure wasn’t acting like it. I closed the bathroom door. “Cold, Grace, that was really cold,” Craig said. I smiled at his playful tone and stripped off my clothes to assess the damage.
My hands were still red and swollen, and my poor knees blossomed with bruises. One on my calf was already turning black. I turned on the shower and climbed in, letting it run down my back as I leaned against the wall. Craig and Amber continued to slag each other off. I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying, but the noise of their voices relaxed me. I was lucky to have such amazing friends. I had to count my blessings, and Derek; my body became alive in the shower thinking about him. If I could click my fingers, I would be back in his apartment, on his couch and if the door knocked, I would have told him to ignore it. I let out a groan, and knew I needed to get out of the shower. The water had turned cold, and Amber knocked gently on the door.
“Hun you okay?” Her concern caused a lump to form in my throat. I wrapped a towel around myself and opened the door.
“I’m fine,” I said, but her smile fell as she looked at my fists. Without warning she pushed me into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Her eyes scanned me; she let out a little, startled breath when she saw my bruises. I looked away, ashamed, while my hands tightened on my towel.
“Explain right now," she said.
“Can I come in?” Craig said from the other side of the door.
“If you don’t go away, I will gladly go to prison." Her shouts startled me.
“Jesus calm down,” Craig said.
Amber’s eyes filled with tears as she turned to assess me again. “Grace?”
“I’m fine, but are you okay?” I asked, trying to distract her from me. I was worried about her. Her emotional state wasn't normal.
“I’m fine but explain all this?” she said, gesturing at my bruises, not letting this go.
I sighed and looked at her, “I went to see my mother, had a meltdown, and that’s it."
Amber wrapped me in her arms. “Oh hun, I’m so sorry.” I kept my tears at bay, not wanting to cry. But I didn’t need to, Amber cried for the both of us.
“Okay, Amber what the hell?” I asked.
She wiped her eyes quickly. “Sorry. Get dressed, your food is ready.” That was it, and she left. I started to get dressed. I didn't want to ponder on today. Food and TV sounded like what I needed.
“What were you guys doing in there?” Craig asked, his voice filled with suspicion.
“Making out.” I smiled at Amber’s response.
“Tongues?” Craig asked with a smirk.
“God, you’re a pig.” Amber sounded angry.
“Is it that time of the month for you?” he said. Amber let out a battle cry, then Craig groaned. “Calm down you mad bitch.” I dressed quickly and left the bathroom before they killed each other. Amber struck Craig with a towel and the snap sounded painful. He rubbed his red arm. “What the hell?” he said, while throwing a cushion that hit Amber in the face. Craig started laughing. Amber looked fit to kill. I stood in between them arms outstretched.
“This ends now,” I said looking from one to the other. Craig grinned, while Amber barely contained her anger.
“You look hot when you’re mad,” Craig smirked. Amber’s face scrunched up in disgust.
“You’re an animal.” I laughed at Amber’s statement.
“You’re not the first person to tell me that.” I rolled my eyes as Craig continued to grin.
“Just, could you guys like knock it off for two seconds,” I said and moved out of the line of fire, hoping they would behave themselves. A few more comments were thrown back and forth before it eventually died down.
The sandwich that Amber had made me was satisfying. I sat on the couch crossed-legged and ate in silence, just enjoying my moment. The clearing of Craig’s throat ruined my moment. He sat in the opposite armchair drinking a can of coke, his plate on the ground, his sandwich vaporized. Amber sat beside me, still eating hers. Craig played on his phone, while Amber watched the TV. Why did this moment seem so perfect? I should appreciate it.
“I love you guys,” I said before taking a bite. Both of them looked at me, Amber looked worried, while Craig looked suspicious. “Lord, people, can’t a girl say she loves her friends without getting looks?”
“What look?” Both of them said at the same t
ime, and then looked at each other. Craig winked, and Amber scowled at him.
“Sorry, it was just out of the blue. But I love you too," Amber said knocking her shoulder into mine.
“Thanks, girl,” I said back. Craig didn't say anything, his head once again buried in his phone, but deep down, he loved me too. I checked my own phone. Switching it on I gave it a few seconds before the missed calls and messages started showing up.
I scrolled straight to the message from Derek.
Rang earlier, It said. Short and to the point. I looked at a second message and smiled.
Hope I didn’t scare you off.
“Derek?” Amber asked, and I didn’t hide my smile. “Yeah.” I quickly texted him back.
Sorry my car broke down, and my phone died. But had a lovely time last night. My stomach tightened, and I hit send. I hoped it didn’t sound lame. It was more than lovely, but I needed to play it cool.
“You never told me what happened.” Amber pulled a cushion onto her lap, getting cosy.
“I don’t want to know. I’ll catch you guys later.” Craig got up, grabbing the keys. I said goodbye and Amber managed a small wave, but the moment the door closed she fired questions at me.
“Where did he take you? Did you have sex? Oh, did he kiss you?” I answered every question and it was an hour later when I laid back on the couch, exhausted by Amber’s interrogation.
“Wow,” Amber said while putting her feet up on the coffee table. “It sounds so intense.”
I smiled. “Oh, it was intense.”
I checked my phone; no response from him. I said as much. “Grace, that guy would be a fool not to respond. He must be busy."
“Thanks, girl.” I settled back on the couch and just chilled.
“Grace?”
I was drifting off. “Hmm?”
“I thought as much.” Amber laughed. “Okay, I’ll let you get some shut-eye.” I didn’t complain. I hugged Amber and headed straight to bed. I checked my phone one more time, nothing from Derek. My stomach tightened with worry, but I brushed it aside. I would see him in the morning, at our first class.
“You are the meanest person in the whole world.” James was really upset.
“Seriously?” I asked, and he started the waterworks. I was off the couch, scooping him up. “Please don’t be upset.” I pulled his small, chubby hands away from his eyes. “Why are you saying I’m the meanest person in the world?”
He looked at me with such distraught in his eyes that I would have given him anything to take it away. “You killed one of God’s creatures.” The tears started again. I was confused now. I hadn’t hit a dog, cat, or a bird. I thought back over the day, and the last week, but nothing came to mind. “When?” I asked.
“I saw you, Grace," more tears. “You killed the fly."
I laughed, and he cried harder. “I’m sorry, James. I didn’t mean to kill the fly." What could you say to killing a fly?
“It wasn’t just a fly, it was God's creature," he insisted.
I rubbed his back. “I know, and I’m really sorry. How can I make it up to you?” I asked, and he snivelled.
“We need to have a funeral.” His big brown eyes were so sincere, his long eyelashes were moist from his tears.
“Okay, let’s have a funeral.” And that is exactly what we did. We buried him out back, in one of the tins of sardines that I’d emptied out. I dug a small hole and said a prayer over the sardine tin. “Would you like to say anything, James?” He held my hand the whole way through the “funeral.” He looked up at me, and it took everything not to scoop him up and kiss him until his face was sore.
“I want to say to God that not to punish my sister, she didn’t mean it.” Now he smiled at me. What had he been watching? That’s something I must look into.
My memories jumped to a small, white coffin being lowered into the ground.
The sinking feeling that I needed to stop this, that what I was seeing wasn’t possible, there had to be some mistake, was crushing me. I watched the green John Deere tractor that sat on top of the coffin roll from side to side. It was his favorite tractor. The rose I held in my hand was nearly in two with the grip I had on it.
“Grace, sweetie.” I didn’t glance behind me at the people who waited to drop a rose on top of my brother's coffin. I looked up at the Priest, who stood on the far side of the grave. I wanted to tell him there had been a mistake. That he needed to tell God, that this shouldn’t be. The Priest gave me a nod, and closed his eyes briefly before giving me a soft smile. What the hell did that mean? It was my father, who stood beside me now, taking my other hand, and the tears rolled silently down my face as I released the red rose. It was so stark against the white coffin.
Then, I was back looking at a sardine tin, my other hand filled with the warmth of James’s little hand. I looked down at him this time with the knowledge that this wasn’t real, that this was a dream of sorts. I knew, deep down, he was gone and this shouldn’t be.
I sat up in bed, my face wet. The emptiness felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. It was unfair, all of it. Yet, if I fell apart, if I gave in to my grief, no one would pick me up. No one was here to hold my hand and make it go away. No one held me now, as I cried. I was the only one who could get myself out of this.
I got out of bed. Craig was asleep on the couch, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest told me so. I moved into the kitchen area and filled the plastic jug with water, taking it and my plant to my room. I locked the door behind me. My plant looked so pitiful, one leaf hanging on for dear life, a bit like myself. I sat it on the top of my dresser and watered it. I made the plant a promise, that I would fix it, that I would make it bloom once again, with large green leaves that all the other plants would envy. I smiled through more tears. “I will fix you,” I told the plant before climbing back into bed.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
GRACE
I WOKE A HALF an hour before my alarm, for the first time. In the bathroom mirror, it didn’t seem to matter how much makeup I used, I still had bags under my eyes. After my dream last night, I hadn’t slept much. I spent most of the time tossing and turning. I leaned against the sink, summoning as much strength as possible for the day ahead. I needed to stay strong. I met my gaze in the mirror; it wavered as tears filled my eyes. I shook my hands out for a few minutes before leaving the bathroom.
“Good morning, Craig,” I said while passing him. He mumbled something incoherent back. Once I put the kettle on the noise of it woke him up fully.
“We leave in fifteen,” I told him as he made his way into the bathroom wearing only his boxers. Craig still featured on my to-do list. He still hadn’t got his own place, and he also still hadn’t spoken to Luke. Amber had said nothing to me, either. None of it made sense, but I would tackle it soon. I groaned. My Car. I didn’t want to walk to college. I looked out the window praying that it was sitting there, just waiting for me. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be.
My heart thumped with surprise. My car sat in the car park, not in its normal spot, but there it was. I made a mental note to ring Rose and thank her. She had left the keys in an envelope tucked behind the front wheel. It had taken me and Craig a few minutes to find them. “Who the hell leaves keys behind a wheel?” he questioned. I ignored him as I opened the short note.
Hope you are feeling better.
Thinking of you.
Rose
I tucked the note into my bag before Craig could read it. He stood at the passenger door waiting for me to unlock it.
“You should report the tow company for leaving your keys behind your wheel.” I climbed in to the car and opened Craig’s door for him.
“Yeah, I’ll make the report later.” I told him as he climbed in beside me.
I pulled into college on time, said goodbye to Craig, and made my way to the only class that I shared with Derek. Butterflies erupted in my stomach thinking about him. I hadn't heard from him, and had spent far too much time checking my phone every
two seconds, but there was nothing from him. Last night, I had even taken Craig’s phone and sent myself a blank message. I wanted to make sure my phone was receiving messages. It was.
My disappointment shocked me. When I entered the lecture room, I scanned it three times. The sensation of being punched in the stomach hurt. He wasn't here. My reaction surprised me. I didn’t know the guy that well, but I was devastated. I really thought we had something. Maybe because I didn’t put out the other night? No, he had texted me after? Maybe he met someone else? In one day? To my relief, class started, so I knocked off the internal debate that would no doubt drive me crazy.
I moved through classes like a ghost after the bitter disappointment of not seeing Derek that morning. I didn’t see Amber, but Sarah and her friends waved me over in the canteen. I sat with them and tried to keep track of the conversation by nodding and smiling, but my mind wouldn’t let go of Derek. I spent the whole time staring at the canteen doors. My distraction didn’t go unnoticed as Sarah asked me if everything was okay. I had waved it off with a laugh saying I didn’t get much sleep. She told me I looked very tired. Great, just great.
I was glad when I stepped into the locker rooms at work; I needed my mind busy, and right now it was filled with Derek. Moping around like a lovesick teenager would do me no good.
“Hi, Grace,” Claire chewed on her bottom lip. I tied my white apron tightly around my waist.
“Claire,” I said, my heart pounding. I hadn’t seen Claire since we had that awkward talk, and I hated confrontation. I wanted to just start my shift, but she stood in the doorway.
“I won’t keep you. But I’m so, so sorry. You are my best friend, and the way I spoke to you was horrible,” her low voice and her words held sincerity in them.
“It’s okay,” I told her, but she held up her hands.
“No, it’s not okay. I’m really sorry here. I’m not just saying it, Grace.”