by Vi Carter
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
GRACE
I WOKE TO THE SUN streaming in the windows and smiled into a solid chest of muscle. My smile widened when I looked up at Derek to find him looking down at me. “Good morning,” he said, while kissing me softly on the nose. My face heated up. I inhaled deeply, taking him in.
“Morning,” a smile that I couldn’t hold back broke out across my face. I looked down at the bedspread, still smiling. A kiss on my forehead had me looking up again.
“You look so beautiful in the mornings.”
I wanted to say, “Am not, like nobody looks beautiful in the mornings.” But the way he looked at me made me feel beautiful. “Thank you,” I bit my lip. His eyes moved to them, and he continued to watch as I let it go from between my teeth. I wanted to bite it again, just to see that gleam in his eyes, the one that told me, he wanted me now. So I did, and his eyes flicked to mine.
“You keep doing that Grace, and I won’t be able to control myself,” he sounded so serious.
“Don’t hold back.”
He grinned wickedly at me. “Oh, I won’t,” and he didn’t.
We spent the day in his room and kitchen and when the sun started to set, cabin fever set in. We got dressed and went to his local bar, which he promised me would be awful, but I wanted to know everything about Derek, from where he slept, to where he drank. I wore just black skinny jeans, my high black boots, and a purple v neck top. It was simple, yet flattering. My stomach tightened at the sight of Derek. His grey jumper and denim jeans fit him snugly, and my heart fluttered as he smiled at me. “We won’t be out all night,” his promise had me getting into his Jeep.
I think the word ‘bar’ was over-rated. A few tables were scattered across the small room, the ‘bar’ sat neatly in the corner, near an open fire to its right and everyone turned when we entered. “Well now, you couldn’t keep away, Missus. Grace,” Jack sat with a group of people, his grin wide and I smiled back.
“Hi Jack,” I said carefully, while placing my hands in my pockets. Derek didn’t acknowledge Jack, or his three companion. Instead, he turned his back on them and ordered from the barman, who watched us all with interest.
“Why don’t you join us?” Jack offered as the two guys and girl sat near him watching us. They seemed friendly enough.
“Yes, that would be great,” I said at the same time that Derek decided to talk.
“Not a chance.”
Jack opened his hands as if offended. “Come on Derek, we aren’t going to steal your gal pal,” Jack winked at me before looking at Derek. Derek paid the barman and carried our drinks to another table. “Well, if you change your mind,” Jack didn’t lose his smile or his easy banter. I gave him a tight smile before joining Derek.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit rude not sitting with them? I mean, they are like six feet away from us,” I whispered and took a sip of wine.
He shook his head. “I can’t deal with him, he seems fun for five minutes, but trust me, after a half an hour, it’s painful.” Derek smiled as he leaned in closer to me. “Besides, he just wants information on you."
“Are you afraid, Derek?” I challenged with a smile. He studied me for a moment.
“You will regret this,” he said, before picking up both our drinks and sitting down at Jack’s table. Jack gave a whoop as I squished in beside Derek and Jack.
Derek was right, I did end up regretting it. Three drinks later, and I wanted to leave. I thought Derek would gloat at winning, but he just looked as pissed off as me. Jack was funny, but his drawl and constant ma’am towards me got on my nerves. He must have winked a hundred times at me. The other people, Elizabeth, John, and Mark, seemed nice, but Jack overpowered the whole conversation, and most of it geared towards farming, or me.
“So those goats nearly chewed the ear off me… I mean, they were sweet on me," he laughed. “My hat gone, they tore a hole in my shirt. If you saw me that day, Grace, you would have thought someone tried to rape me. Well… not someone," he winked “Something." Oh, I had enough, I smiled tightly into my glass and took a much-needed drink.
“Great chat, Jack, but I better be getting Grace home. She’s tired," Derek stood, and I didn’t hesitate but rose too.
“Tired?" Jack grinned.
“Was someone watching us?” I asked, horrified and, for the first time, Jack looked serious and a little pale.
“No, no. I didn’t mean that. It’s just ‘tired’ can mean other things."
“Like what?” I asked, playing along. Now Jack looked at his friends for help, but no one did, they were enjoying his discomfort.
“Like...” He gave up and shook his head, “no, it just means tired.”
“Goodnight, Jack,” I said. He nodded, and I smiled at the others before leaving with Derek. “Don’t say it.” I warned as we climbed into the Jeep.
“Say what?” Derek asked innocently, and I narrowed my eyes. “What like ‘I told you so?’” He grinned.
“Yeah, that,” I answered with a strained smile.
***
When I woke the next morning, I woke alone. I lay naked in Derek’s bed. The Sunday morning brought with it the knowledge that we were going home today. Reluctantly, I showered and got dressed, just as Derek entered the room holding a cup of coffee. I took it along with the kiss he gave me. “Thank you,” I smiled at him and he kissed me on the nose.
“You are welcome.”
“I wanted to ask about the tattoo on your shoulder.” I smiled shyly into the mug. I had been surprised when I had first seen it, but his body had distracted me every time before I got to ask.
“What about it?”
I lowered the cup. It wasn’t his question, but the way his tone and posture became stiff. “It’s obviously personal,” I said, backpedalling. I swear he hadn’t blinked, and I questioned if he was even breathing. The silence became deafening, and I was going to tell him to forget it, that we all had our demons, but he spoke.
“It’s a contradiction. It represents freedom, but to me, it’s a reminder that even birds can be caged,” the pain in his eyes had me reaching out to him, but he surprised me and moved away. “You better pack; we’re leaving soon.” He left the room, and my heart deflated.
The drive home was silent and excruciating. Every time I asked him if he was okay, he said he was fine in a tight voice. Something was seriously wrong. My stomach was in knots when we pulled into the carpark. I didn’t want such an amazing weekend to end like this. “I’m sorry I pried.” I said softly.
“You didn’t, Grace. Please don’t apologize to me,” Derek wouldn’t look at me.
“Please, Derek, what’s wrong?”
He finally looked at me. “My father is in prison,” his hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “The tattoo is for him,” he said, before looking away.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to ask what his dad had done. So, instead, I leaned across the space and kissed him softly on the cheek. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. After I sat back Derek remained frozen for a few more minutes. Before he released the steering wheel from his death grip. He forced a smile.
“Thanks.” Derek carried our bags to the top of the stairs, it was a really awkward moment when he kissed me quickly with a promise that he would text me later. I tried to keep the hurt from my face, but my hands weren’t co-operating when they closed my door a little too hard.
***
“Grace, it’s my turn.” James jumped up, trying to swipe the spoon from my hand. I rolled my eyes in bliss, my mouth full of buttercream. I licked the spoon again. “Ahhh, Grace!” James continued to jump.
“Calm down.” I smiled at him, dipping the spoon back into the bowl, scooping up as much as I could before handing it to him. His brown eyes grew so wide that I laughed as he started to eat the buttercream. It was a horrible shade of green. It was the color of puke, but it was the one he loved. Each year I made his birthday cake, and it was always covered in g
reen buttercream with a full tube of hundreds and thousands. We ate buttercream until we both felt sick, and afterward we washed it down with water until our stomachs were stretched.
“Promise we can do this on every birthday?” He licked the spoon, buttercream coating his face, I couldn’t eat anymore.
“If I was a genie, and wishes were promises, I would be out of them at this stage with all the promises I make you.”
James patted his belly. “What’s a genie?” I took the spoon from him and gave it a lick, regretting it almost immediately.
“A person who makes wishes come true.”
“Wow. Can we find one?” he jumped up and down, excitement lighting up his face.
“Not sure, but if we could, what would you wish for?” I started to tidy up. The kitchen was in chaos.
“That every day you would make me buttercream.”
I poked his swollen belly. “You will turn into buttercream.”
He laughed. “I would eat myself then.”
I laughed at that. “Then James would be gone.”
He giggled. “In my belly.” His eyes shone when he laughed, and his crooked smile tugged at me. I stopped what I was doing and picked him up. He was heavy, but I hugged him tightly to me.
“Happy Birthday. I love you,” I kissed his head and tucked him close to me as he cuddled in.
“Love you too, Grace. You’re the best.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
GRACE
THE MEMORY WAS gone, and I couldn’t see the cake in front of me through my tears. But I needed to finish this. It was his seventh birthday today. I had the buttercream ready, the right color green, but I hesitated before putting it on. His smiling face, his little hands. What would he look like now? My tears fell, and I let out a sigh. If I found the genie, I would wish for James, and I would give him buttercream for his breakfast, dinner, and tea. I would do anything for him.
I looked at the ceiling, taking deep breaths before wiping the tears from my face. I cleared my throat and focused on the task at hand. The buttercream went on, and then I covered it in hundreds and thousands. They rolled everywhere, all over the counter and down onto the floor. But I would clean it later. I opened the drawer and took out seven candles before placing them on the cake. The lighter shook in my hand, but I needed to do this for James. A knock on the door stopped me. I stood still holding my breath hoping whoever it was would go away. But they didn’t. Of course not.
I checked myself in the mirror before answering the door. “Derek,” I was surprised to see him, I hadn’t heard from him in two days. I held the door, not allowing him to see in.
“Wanted to see if you wanted to come over to mine for a coffee?” He smiled, letting me know it was more than a coffee. I was tempted.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
Derek looked at me differently, now. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?”
“No. I mean no to the crying. Yes to okay.” I was making this worse. I opened the door. “Come in,” I said, and he followed me. He frowned when he looked at the cake, and my heart started to gallop. I turned away and faced the cake while fiddling with the lighter. “James is seven today. Each year, I made his cake.” I explained as a lump lodged in my throat, it made it so real, telling someone. “I once made a promise to him...” I swallowed. “And I intend to keep it.” Derek moved behind me; his hands resting on my shoulders.
“The cake looks...appetizing,” his words made me laugh, and I looked at him, before glancing down at the green monstrosity that James loved so much.
“It looks like puke, but James loved it,” I acknowledged, half laughing, half crying.
“Yes it does,” he said, his smile held pain too, and he pulled me into him, but I was adamant I wasn’t losing control, not today of all days. I lit the candles. “I’m pretty good at singing and I know all the lyrics to happy birthday.” I laughed for the second time, Derek stood across from me now, his support was there, in how he stood, and his eyes told me he was here, like really here.
“He hated that song.” I lit the candles and all seven burned bright.
“Good, cause I really can’t sing.” Derek looked at me, all forlorn.
I smiled at him before focusing back on the candles. “Happy Birthday James. Love you always,” I said and blew them out. I kept my eyes closed, the pain was so raw, but then I felt strong arms wrap around me.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.” As Derek held me, I let James haunt me. The pain inside me broke boundaries, it made me feel so alive in such a strange way.
“Do we have to eat the cake?” Derek asked, and like someone clicked their fingers, James’ ghost left, and I looked up at Derek.
“It’s not as bad as it looks.”
He eyed the cake like it was poison. “I don’t know, I don’t think we should risk it. I like you just the way you are.”
“I like you too,” I said my heart picking up the pace. His face grew so serious and he searched mine. I held my breath and counted ‘one, two, three,’ in my head, trying to control my heart. His lips touched mine, so gently; I let out the breath I was holding. His kiss felt familiar already, but still made my knees weak. My hands made their way to his chest, and I clung to him as he continued to give me tender kisses, never deepening them, each one a promise, a declaration. I opened my eyes and looked into his. He held my face now, it was there on my lips, the three words that could destroy me, and I froze. My posture changing, I stepped out of his embrace.
“Don’t run…” he pleaded sadly, his hands hung loosely at his sides. But he stood still.
I shook my head. “I can’t do this, Derek.” I swallowed. Everything I had buried was rising to the top and at an alarming rate. I needed him to leave.
He didn’t move as he spoke. “You can do this, you are doing this Grace. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.”
I shook my head, was I that obvious? “I need you to leave.” I looked away from him, my heart breaking but it was better this way. It would happen sooner or later. Everything I loved either died or left. I was saving myself from the heartache that would come.
“Please?” Derek didn’t move, and I didn’t look at him.
“No,” my eyes snapped to his, my anger rising, but also fear, I pushed the fear down. “This is my apartment.”
“Are you asking me to leave your apartment or your life?” I looked away from him. What was I asking him?
I looked at Derek now, he had stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets, his eyes hooded, and knew that whatever decision I made now would affect me for the rest of my life. Tears filled my eyes, but I didn’t look away from him. To my relief, my phone started and the ringing of my phone gave me pause. I took the opportunity to answer it while Derek waited.
“Grace. Claire is in the hospital and it isn’t looking good," My pulse spiked. Oh God, was it drugs? Was Craig involved? I didn’t ask Amber any of the questions that I knew could wait.
“Where is she?” I asked, instead.
“St Mary’s."
“I’m on my way,” I told her, and hung up. “Claire’s in the hospital and it's serious,” I told Derek, he nodded and took his keys out of his pocket.
“I’ll drive.”
I grabbed my bag and phone and left. Derek’s hand took mine and squeezed it. “You’ll be okay,” he said. My stomach tightened. He didn’t say she’ll be okay. The more I got to know Derek, the more I realized he didn’t do bullshit or fairy tales. He was as real as it gets.
It took us only twenty minutes to reach the hospital. Luke, Amber, and another guy looked up as we entered the waiting room. Amber threw her arms around me. She had been crying. “How bad?” I asked into her hair. When she looked at me, I could see the sadness in her eyes; it was hard to accept. “Is she going to die?” I asked.
“She overdosed on heroin,” Luke spoke, his eyes red. “The doctors aren’t hopeful.” Amber moved to the guy, who embraced her the moment she stepped into his arms. It m
ust have been Peter. I could feel the heat of Derek behind me. But after our recent discussion, I felt a million miles away from him.
“Where’s Craig?” I asked. My question caused the tension in the room to multiply almost instantly.
“Don’t you even mention him, Grace,” Amber’s anger told me all I needed to know. Craig must have been with Claire. God damn it. My fists tightened.
“He was the one who brought her in,” Luke told me while glancing at his sister.
“Where is he now?” Luke tilted his head and his eyes flashed. “Seriously Grace?” he was angry too. “Claire is dying because of him and now what, you want to go and comfort him?”
I closed my eyes briefly. They wouldn’t understand. I looked away from Amber’s angry eyes and back to Luke’s. “Please tell me where he is?” I needed to get to him so badly. Leaving Claire was making me feel like a really bad friend, but she was surrounded by people. I knew Craig would have no one, and I also knew he would be blaming himself.
“His mother’s.” Luke’s voice was filled with disgust. He moved away, letting me know he was done with me. It stung to have Luke be like that towards me, but I would get over it.
“Don’t you think you should stay here with your friends," Derek, the voice of reason, he kept all emotion out of his words.
“Craig is my friend." I folded my arms, and looked at the black and white tiled floor. It felt so unfair to be asked to choose a friend, but Craig needed me more right now.
“While you’re gone looking for Craig and Claire dies, how will you feel?”
My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to accept that another one of my loved ones could die. People always died around me. Was I cursed? I forced myself to look up at Derek. Unfolding my arms I tightened my hands together. “I know how Craig must feel at this moment. So right now, I think he needs me more than Claire. She has everyone, he doesn’t have anyone." I said, defensively.