by Vi Carter
“I’m okay.” I lied unconvincingly.
“I don’t understand, did he know who you were?” Amber’s brows where pulled down in confusion, while her voice carried a note of anger.
“That’s exactly what I asked him, and he didn’t answer, but he knew." I clenched my fists.
“But why?” Amber seemed as confused as me.
“That’s why I was at his door. I want answers!” My voice had risen, and Amber took my hands again.
“Okay, hunny. It’s okay. Maybe he has a good explanation," No, he didn’t. No explanation would make this okay.
“And like he just told you?” Amber asked.
“I was telling him about James, and he admitted it was his dad who was driving." My eyes burned. “I loved him, Amber, and we had such a perfect weekend." I stood up, I needed to walk off the waves of anger that were penetrating my body now.
“I am going to say something, so don’t hate me.” Amber chewed her lip. “It wasn’t him that was driving, just don’t forget that.” Amber held up her hands after saying it, I unclenched my fists. What was she saying? To forgive him? His father took my brother’s life. She was just saying he didn’t.
“I know. But he lied to me. And why? Was it guilt? Did he want to befriend me? But I was infatuated with him, so he felt sorry for me and slept with me?” I sat back down. “I really loved him, Amber. Now I don’t know if anything was even real.” Tears came again. I didn’t understand where the liquid was coming from. I didn’t know I could have so much, yet it just kept coming.
Amber stayed with me that night, after patching up my window with a black sack. We made our bed on the sitting room floor. I was exhausted from crying and Amber held me, comforting me. I was so lucky and grateful to have such an amazing friend. What would I do without her?
Her soft brushing of my hair was making me drowsy. “You’re going to make a great mam,” I told her as she brushed my hair off my face.
“Thank you.” Her two words were filled with emotion.
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
GRACE
THE FIRST WEEK WAS the hardest. The first three days, I barely ate or slept. I holed up in my apartment and shut the world off. Amber dragged me to college on day four, only because she was pregnant, and I had upset her enough with all this Derek business. Before entering my first class, my stomach would tighten, but Derek wasn’t there.
His jeep no longer sat in our carpark.
Each day that passed made me see the situation differently. I hadn’t stopped to think how he must feel. I lost my brother, but he lost his father. He hadn’t been driving the car that day. He wasn’t the one responsible. It still hurt me to think he might have known who I was. But I also thought maybe there was no other motive, only his guilt made him befriend me, but we fell for each other.
Hi, I wrote in a text, but didn’t send it. This was becoming a daily ritual. I would write out a message to him but I would never send it. It was the fact that he left. Maybe he regretted ever getting involved with me? And I was risking opening up to someone who had such a huge potential to really hurt me more than he already had. I deleted the message and slid the phone into my jeans pocket.
I smiled as Amber, Lisa, and Claire walked towards me. We were doing some retail therapy. This was rare for us to spend time together, so I was going to enjoy myself. I greeted Amber by patting her stomach. “How is mammy?” I asked Amber, and she blushed with a smile.
“Sick in the mornings, tired during the day, but really good otherwise.”
“How are you?” Lisa asked me, and I tried to smile.
“I’ll be okay.” I answered, hoping that I would, but I didn’t want to focus on me today. I was here for some much-needed friendship and retail therapy.
Claire pulled me into a sideways hug. “My Grace.” She stuck out her bottom lip while speaking, and gave me sad eyes.
“Seriously it’s okay. I just want to enjoy spending the days with you guys.” I slowly disentangled myself from Claire. “And it’s great to see you up and about.” She looked really nice today, in denim jeans and a bright yellow jumper. The weight she had gained really showed on her face. She had only spent two days in the hospital, but hadn’t returned to work or college yet. She was still “recovering.” I think what happened was a wake-up call to her, and our gang. I had only told her recently about me and Derek. Each time I had visited her, I wanted her to focus on her recovery. I didn’t tell her about my brother, just that me and Derek were taking a break. My stomach tightened.
“Thanks, Grace. It feels good, the four of us.” Claire gave a little screech of joy and we all smiled. It was hard not to when she got excited, it was real, and I loved that about her. Even Amber was smiling; I was putting that down to the pregnancy.
We spent the day shopping, and it was really good just to be with the girls and chat about normal stuff. I did ask Amber if Luke had heard anything from Craig, but still nothing. When Claire had been released from the hospital, Craig signed himself into rehab. We couldn’t visit him for a while, and I missed him more than I thought I ever would. But he was in a good place. I felt really proud of him for getting help.
The day went by fast. I laughed a lot, which was therapy for my soul, and after a long day, I dropped Amber off and headed home with one thing on my mind. I was going to ring Derek.
I had no fingernails left with nerves as I was worked myself up to ringing Derek. While me and Amber were shopping for the baby, we had a chat in the few moments we’d managed to be alone. She thought I should just ring him and ask him straight out. She was right. I just couldn’t let him go; a part of me wished I could, but I just couldn’t. I held the phone in a death grip while tapping it against my chin.
“Oh for God’s sake, Grace.” I scolded myself before walking across the hall. I knocked on his door like I had done a hundred times; it was my way of working up to ringing him. My heart galloped at the sound of voices on the other side of the door. One was definitely Derek’s, and the other male voice was familiar. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, they stopped talking at the sound of my knock, and my stomach twisted. The door opened and there he was. God, he was gorgeous. “Hi.” I wasn’t sure what to say, and he was looking at me with a funny look on his face, one I couldn’t decipher. I put my hands in my jeans pockets feeling awkward.
“Hi–now’s not a good time.” My stomach twisted painfully at his rejection.
“Yeah, sure, of course.” I cleared my throat as a familiar feeling of anxiety threatened to bubble over. I needed to leave like now, but then my eyes snapped to a movement behind him, and I stared at Emmett. I looked back at Derek; the confusion must have been clear on my face.
“You know my brother?” I asked, as I pushed past Derek. He didn’t try to stop me. “You know Derek?” I said to Emmett. Neither one answered me. I turned to Derek and the guilt in his eyes had dread pooling in my stomach. “Derek?” I whispered, I was holding my breath; I couldn’t make sense of this. It seemed like the room was holding its breath, and on its exhale it might shatter. I glanced at my brother, whose face told me nothing. Why was no one explaining anything to me?
“Someone needs to explain this to me.” I didn’t think my legs could hold me up any longer, so I slumped onto to the couch.
“I will,” Derek spoke to Emmett. I watched their exchange. The room was charging with the tension, and I was waiting for it to explode. Emmett was stiff in posture, as usual, while Derek’s shoulders where slightly hunched, like he was exhausted.
“No,” Emmett finally said.
Derek’s fists clenched and unclenched. “Emmett–I owe her an explanation.” If someone didn’t start talking soon I was going to lose it.
“No.” Emmett repeated, more forcefully.
I felt like I was going to crack under the constant wave of emotions and unanswered questions. I jumped up, startling both of them. “If you don’t tell me right now, that’s it Derek, you and I are done.” I turned to Emmett, who was about to
speak “And you, stop with the ‘no.’ Emmett, since when do you have a say in my life?” I threw my hands in the air. “What the hell is this?” I needed to calm down and rein it in. Shaking my hands, I took a large gulp of air while closing my eyes. Hands that were so familiar to me touched my shoulders and I looked up into Derek’s eyes. I was confused. I wanted to sink into him, but I held still, I couldn’t allow myself to until questions were answered.
“I didn’t meet you by accident. I came here for you.”
I nodded when Derek paused. I wanted him to continue. Emmett turned away, his shoulders tense. I had wished that this wasn’t the cause. My heart lurched. “Because of James?” I prompted.
“In a roundabout kind of way."
I stepped out of Derek’s arms. My eyes narrowed as I spoke, “What does that even mean?” I wanted answers, honest ones. Not half-truths again. My throat tightened.
“I sent Derek here to look after you.” Goosebumps rose along my arms at Emmett’s words, dread pooled in my stomach again. I could walk out the door right now and save myself a lot of pain, but I couldn’t. I was frozen, I just needed to know. I had so many questions. Why was Emmett doing this? What was his connection to Derek? Why Derek was following Emmett’s orders?
“Why?” I finally said, sitting back down. Derek wasn’t looking at me now, and I was shocked when he lit up a cigarette. The way he held it was natural. I hadn’t even known he had smoked, was everything a lie?
“I quit,” he said with a guilty shrug, by way of explanation holding up the cigarette.
Then, Emmett turned to me and spoke. “Because you needed someone to take care of you. I knew that losing James and mam had been tough on you.” How noble, if he was such a great brother, why not come himself? I didn’t voice any of this, I just kept glancing at Derek. My mind was racing, and I was finding it hard to grab one thing to focus on. Everything was meshing together, causing my head and heart to pound.
“Is your name even Derek?” I questioned suddenly. “Actually, it doesn’t matter. Don’t answer that." Derek glanced away from me. So I turned to Emmett again.
“So, you send the son of the man who killed our brother?” This was so messed up.
“His name is Sean,” Derek said quietly.
“What?” I barked.
“My father’s name is Sean, and he knew Emmett’s father and your mother very well. He was making a–” I don’t think I’d ever seen Emmett move so fast. Before either Derek or I could react, he was across the room. Derek’s Cigarette was now in Emmett’s possession, and held not a hair’s breadth away from Derek’s eye. The colour drained from Derek’s face and I stood slowly. Emmett’s face, normally so controlled, had transformed. His eyes darkened with violence.
“What the hell, Emmett?” This was insane. I moved towards them.
“Leave now.” Emmett’s voice sounded different, his voice was commanding. I didn’t know my brother much, but this was scaring me.
“No. Take the cigarette away from him now, Emmett.” Emmett did the moment I said it, which surprised me even more. Derek didn’t move a muscle. Nothing was right, here; this was way-way off. Derek wasn’t a small guy. He was actually bigger than Emmett, so why was he not retaliating against someone holding a burning fag to his eye? What power did my brother have over him, and what did he not want me to know?
“Fine, now leave.” Emmett stubbed out the cigarette.
“No.” He didn’t like that. Fear skittered across my chest when Emmett looked at me with a hardness in his eyes. “Please, Emmett, I can’t walk out without understanding this. Derek–or whoever he is…” I glanced at Derek, who actually looked hurt by my words.
I could see a softness in my brother’s eyes now, as I focused on him. “He helped me heal whether he meant to or not, and for that I’m grateful, but you need to tell me why.” I pleaded. I was sure he was breaking, but I knew the moment he shut down. The coldness re-entered his face.
“Get out now, Grace.” He walked to the window, his back stiff.
“Just go.” Derek’s said, sounding so defeated, but his words hurt me so much and my eyes blurred as I took a step back.
“I will never forgive either of you.” I opened the door, but before I could walk through it Derek’s hand covered mine. I turned, and he was there taking my face in his hands, his lips touched mine tenderly; my heart ached at the kiss. It was a perfect kiss, but it felt like a goodbye one.
“I’m so sorry.” His eyes held such sadness. My heart pounded. I wanted to plead with him to fight for me, to make this right, but I found myself standing in the hall as Derek closed the door. My heart actually ached. That was it?
The fire inside me raged as I raced down the stairs, my anger making me move faster. I looked wildly around the parking lot and spotted what I was looking for, two old golf sticks that had sat against the wall since the day I moved in. I picked up one and made my way to my target. The golf club shattered the back window, and I screamed a little, shocked at how loud it was.
Frank, the driver, got out. “Grace?” I ignored him and took aim for the side windows, getting to the front I beat the hood trying to create as many dents as I possibly could. Frank moved towards me, and I swung at the air between us.
“Don’t even think about it, Frank.” He was smart and moved away as I made contact with the car again, dimly aware of movement behind me.
“Drop it now, Grace!” Emmett’s words were angry, so I did as he asked. I let the golf club go, as I swung it through the front window and it shattered. I was breathing heavily as Emmett and Derek raced towards me. I could have sworn I saw pride in Derek’s eyes before he looked with a sense of fear to Emmett, who was ahead of him, and he was pissed. I should have kept the golf club, right now I wasn’t sure what Emmett was going to do, but I held my ground, even as a part of me wanted to run.
Derek moved past Emmett and stood in front of me. “Don’t. Touch. Her.”
Emmett’s laugh was cold and cruel. His nostrils flared as he stared at Derek. “You think you have some say here? I could crush you.” Emmett was in Derek’s face now. But Derek didn’t back away; he stood tall, protectively in front of me. I looked at Frank who looked away. Coward, I thought.
“I know you can, and I’m sure you will. But right now, you need to calm down.”
I was holding my breath, and when Emmett took a step back, I let it out. I moved out from behind Derek and Emmett looked at me, really looked at me, he loosened his tie and sighed. “I always tried to protect you, Grace. Even when you didn’t need it. Maybe I just needed someone to protect.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or himself. But I didn’t speak. I was finally getting an answer. “Our parents all knew each other. When Sean…did that to James, his family owed ours a debt, so Derek was the one that would pay it back. If he looked after you, his debt was cleared."
“And if he didn’t?” I asked.
“His debt would remain.”
I wanted to tell him I didn’t need looking after, but it would be a pointless statement, it wouldn’t change anything. “Are we like the mafia or something?” I had to ask. It had been a niggling question since I realized that Emmet held a lot of sway over people. I thought back to the apartment and him holding a cigarette close to Derek’s eye.
Emmett removed his tie completely now. “No, but my father owns a lot of business, and he has a lot of people working for him. Some people owe him favors or debts.” I frowned, it sounded an awful lot like the mafia, but I think Emmett was telling me as much as he was willing to tell me. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know.
“So what happens now?” I asked.
Emmett glanced at Derek. “Now Derek pays his debt.” I looked at Derek, who nodded at Emmett as if he was ready for whatever was coming.
We had been so focused on each other that I jumped slightly when Maggie’s nasally voice reached my ears, and I groaned inwardly. “Oh my–” Maggie and Wendy moved towards us, Maggie partially covering her mouth with her h
and in a dramatic expression. “Whatever has happened?” she asked, wide-eyed as she observed the four of us and the car.
“I lost it and smashed up the car with a golf club,” I told her bluntly.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Grace, just because we’ve had words doesn’t mean you have to be smart with me.” Maggie moved towards Derek; she stood closer than was necessary. “What happened?” She squeezed his bicep, and he pulled away from her.
“What Grace said.” Her face was comical, and I smiled with satisfaction.
“We’ll take your vehicle. Frank can drive.” That snapped me back as Emmett spoke to Derek. Maggie walked off with Wendy in tow, but not before narrowing her eyes at me which I ignored.
“Where are you going?” I looked at Derek now, he moved towards me but hesitated.
“I have to do this.” He said, his eyes downcast.
I was shaking my head. “No. I’ll pay back his debt,” I told Emmett.
“You have no idea what you’re saying.” Emmett’s patronizing tone pissed me off, for the second time I wished I had kept the golf club.
“Then explain it to me.” My words were clipped.
“Grace- just go inside.”
God, I wanted to hit him, I wasn’t a violent person, but he was bringing out the worst in me. This situation was so much more, and Emmett wasn’t going to explain. If I let Derek go now, I wondered if I would ever see him again. My vision blurred with tears, but I didn’t let them fall.
“I love him.” I whispered to Emmett. “Please don’t hurt him. For once, just be my brother. Can you promise me you won’t hurt him?” One single tear fell.
Emmett opened the top button of his shirt and glanced away briefly from me. “I have always been your brother.” He let out a heavy sigh and walked away from me. Derek didn’t follow and, for a moment, I thought I had won until Emmett spoke. “You’ve got five minutes.”
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO