by A. T Brennan
I was in shock. There was nothing I could do about my grade and I was stuck taking the class. I wasn’t a good writer and I couldn’t bullshit or memorise my way through this class. If I continued on this curve I’d lose my scholarship, and without my mom and dad helping me out, I might be forced to drop out of school.
I felt numb as I headed to my next class.
I was failing. I never failed. Everything I’d worked for was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
It felt as though the world was falling in around me and the careful balance of organization and control I’d allowed myself to believe I had was crumbling. Everything was spinning out of control and I was going to fail.
Chapter Thirteen
JAY
“Are you coming out with us?” Jax asked as I grabbed a bowl of cereal. I’d eaten dinner but I was still hungry.
“Yeah. When are you leaving?”
“An hour. Is your girlfriend coming?”
“Paige isn’t my girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes. “I think she’s coming out. I texted her but she hasn’t gotten back to me.”
“She’ll show and you guys can spend the night giggling and giving each other moon eyes while telling everyone you’re not together.”
I resisted the urge to throw my cereal in his face and went to sit on the couch. Jax certainly knew how to push my buttons.
An hour later I was ready to go and I still hadn’t heard from Paige. I was a little worried, it wasn’t like her to not answer me.
I tried to push my worries aside and sent her another text telling her we were heading to the bar and I’d see her there. I was just putting my phone away when it lit up with a call.
“Paige?” I answered after seeing her photo flash across the screen.
“Jay? It’s Jules.”
“Jules? Where’s Paige?”
“She’s here, but I don’t know what’s going on with her. I can’t get her to talk to me.”
“What do you mean?” My chest tightened as I stopped dead in my tracks. “What’s wrong with her?”
“I don’t know. She came home from class and she was in a fog or something. I tried to talk to her but she shut herself up in her room. She won’t answer me and I’m really scared.”
“I’ll be right there.” I could hear the panic in my voice and tried to calm down. Freaking out wouldn’t help anything, I needed to keep my head until I knew what was going on.
“Thank you.”
I hung up the phone and found Jax staring at me. “It’s Paige, she’s having a breakdown or something.”
“Take the car, you’ll get to her faster.”
I nodded and went to get the keys. I had no idea what was going on, I just knew that Paige needed me and I had to get there as quickly as I could.
* * * * *
“Jay, thank god.” Jules pulled open the door and almost sagged in relief.
“Where is she?” I stepped into the apartment and looked around.
“She’s in her room. The door is unlocked but she won’t answer me, not even when I went in there to talk to her.” She closed the door behind me and shook her head. “Maybe you can get through to her. I don’t know what else to do.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
I pulled in a deep breath and went to her door.
“Paige?” I knocked softly. “Sweetheart?”
When she didn’t answer I pushed open the door and looked in. She was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. Her face was pale and her eyes were wide and unblinking. She looked completely spaced out.
“Paige?” I stepped into her room and closed the door. I didn’t want to move too quickly and scare her, but every instinct in my body was telling me to run to her side and scoop her up in my arms and hold her.
Her eyes slid over to look at me and her lower lip trembled.
“Shhhh.” I hurried over to her side and climbed into the bed with her, pulling her up against my body so she could bury her face in my chest. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
At my words a floodgate opened and she started sobbing. Her hands clutched at my chest and I swear it sounded like her body was going to split in two from the force of her sobs. I had no idea what triggered it and why she was crying, I just knew I needed to hold her and let her know I was there for her, no matter what.
“It’s okay, Paige. I’m here. I’m here.” I ran my hand through her hair, trying to keep my voice soft and soothing. I had no idea if she could even hear me, but I couldn’t just keep quiet and hope she felt better.
After a long time her sobs subsided and she lay against me, limp and spent.
“Sweetheart?” I gently brushed her hair off her cheek and twisted so I could look down at her. “Paige?”
Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were red, but at least she looked more alert.
“Everything’s falling apart.”
Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her, but she was talking and that’s all I cared about.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I told my parents I wasn’t going to law school.” Her voice was rough and hoarse and her words were halting, but she was talking.
“Did they react badly?”
“They cut me off. Completely. I can’t even go home unless it’s to visit my brother.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”
I couldn’t believe her parents would be so cruel over her changing her major and choosing her own path. The one thing I could understand was how devastating it was to lose your parents, and hers had been by their choice. She had to feel crushed.
“I almost failed my article.”
“What do you mean?” I kissed the top of her head and shifted her closer.
“I got a D-. I never fail.”
“Paige—”
“I’ve never failed at anything, and now I’m going to lose my scholarship and—”
“Shhhh.” I rolled us over so she was on her back and I was laying over her. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, having all of this hit you at the same time, but you need to stop thinking about it. It’s a lot, but right now just focus on me, okay?”
“I’m so tired.” Her eyes filled with tears as she looked up at me. “I’m so tired of being perfect and doing what everyone else wants me to do. I’m exhausted, and I feel like I don’t even know who I am.”
“I know who you are.” I bent to give her a brushing kiss, just to ground her and show her I was there. “You’re incredible. It doesn’t matter what you study or what grades you get, you’re an incredible woman and I’m lucky to know you.”
“How can you be so wonderful to me?”
I bit my lip ring to stop the truth from coming out. It was because I loved her.
“Because you’re wonderful. Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to take a shower, relax and then crawl into bed and forget about everything.”
“You’d do that with me?”
“Of course.” I kissed her, adding just a hint of passion to it. “Let me take care of you tonight.”
I saw her nod and gave her one last kiss before rolling off her. She was a little unsteady but she let me help her sit up. I gave her a moment to get her bearings and looked around.
“Pajamas?” I asked.
“Under my pillow.”
I pulled the tank and pajama bottoms out from under her pillow and helped her stand. She was shaky but she held on as I led her out of her room and toward the bathroom.
Jules was sitting on the couch and caught my eye as we left her room. I just nodded and she smiled and mouthed ‘thank you’.
When we were in the bathroom I closed the door and turned on the water, giving it a chance to warm up as I turned to her.
I could tell she was still out of it, but she was at least able to look at me.
“Can I help you get undressed?”
She nodded, her eyes meeting mine. Th
ere was a little bit more of a spark in them, but she seemed a bit numb.
I carefully helped her pull off her shirt and bra, then had her hold my shoulders as I pulled down her leggings and helped her step out of them.
This was the first time I’d ever seen her without a shirt, and I immediately saw what she’d been hiding from me.
The skin of the lower part of her stomach was a little loose and there were visible stretch marks spider-webbing from her hips all the way to under her breasts. The marks had faded to light pink and contrasted against her creamy white skin. All of that was noticeable, but it was the scar that really stood out.
The scare started just above her pubic bone and went straight up to just under her belly button. It was dark and a little ragged, and was only a few years old. I knew what it was because my mom had a matching one. It was a C-section scar.
She didn’t seem to notice that she was nude so I did my best to keep my eyes on hers as I stood up straight and peeled off my clothes. I now understood why she’d always hidden her stomach, and I had a million questions, but now wasn’t the time.
When we were both nude I took her hand and helped her step into the tub and stand under the spray. The hot water washed over her body and she sighed as she closed her eyes.
I saw two bottles of body wash and reached for the one with strawberries on it, knowing it was hers. I poured some into my hand and started washing her, running the body wash over her skin as I lathered her up. She let me wash her, not even flinching when I rubbed my palm over her stomach.
When I was satisfied she was clean I reached for the shampoo that had been next to the body wash. As I helped her step under the spray to wet her hair and then gently massaged the shampoo into her hair, I took my time, trying to help her relax. When the shampoo had been washed away I massaged conditioner into her hair, and then pulled her against my body as I let it set for a moment. As a dude with long hair, I understood the finer points of hair washing.
Her hands moved over my skin as she melted against me.
Sharing a shower with someone was intimate and wonderful, but it worked better in theory than practice. At the moment Paige was getting a nice blast of warm water and I was left shivering and damp, but I didn’t care. This was about her.
As her hands moved up my back I bit back a groan as I felt my cock thicken. It was true I was trying to help her, but I wasn’t dead. She felt incredible, but now wasn’t the time to be popping wood and I mentally admonished myself and tried to get my body to calm the fuck down. Tonight was a no sex night.
After a few moments I helped Paige tip her head back and wash the conditioner out of her hair. When she was clean and suds free, I bent down and gently kissed her lips.
“How about we climb into bed and sleep?” I asked gently.
“Thank you.”
I turned off the water and helped her out of the tub. It didn’t take long to dry her off, and then I helped her into her pajamas. When she was ready I nodded to the sink.
She took the hint and picked up a brush and began pulling it through her hair.
I dried off quickly and pulled my boxer briefs back on, and left the rest of my clothes on the floor with hers. I took a moment to run my fingers through my hair and rub some toothpaste onto my teeth with my finger before picking up our clothes and taking her hand.
Jules was still sitting on the couch, and she looked so relieved to see Paige washed and in her pajamas.
‘You staying?’ she mouthed.
I nodded and she gave me a grateful smile.
It didn’t take long to get Paige into bed and settled, then I climbed in behind her, pulling her body against mine as I spooned her.
I knew we were going to have to talk about all of this tomorrow, but right now I wanted nothing more than to hold her and soothe her as she slept. I wasn’t tired and would be up for hours, but there was nowhere I’d rather be.
Chapter Fourteen
PAIGE
I woke up slowly. I could feel a warm body against my back and a slightly heavy arm around my hips pulling me tight against that body. I could also feel something poking into my thigh and smiled sleepily as I pushed back into it.
I heard Jay groan behind me and his hand moved from my hip to my stomach as he pulled me against his morning wood.
It was at that moment I realized he was touching bare skin. My bare skin.
“Oh god.” I stiffened, trying to pull away from him.
“Paige, sweetheart.” He held me tighter and pressed his lips against my shoulder. “It’s okay. I’ve seen it.”
I was frozen. My mind was going a million miles a second trying to piece together last night. I remembered laying on my bed, Jules coming in, then Jay. We talked, then took a shower together. Fuck. I’d let him undress me. How could I be so careless?
“Baby, please relax.” He kissed my shoulder again and waited as I forced my body to calm down. He hadn’t run screaming last night and his hand was still gently pressed against my scar. He obviously wasn’t disgusted with me.
After a moment he rolled me over onto my back and leaned up on his elbow as he looked down at me with understanding in his eyes.
“Tell me a secret,” he said softly.
“That guy I told you about...”
“It’s okay, Paige. You can tell me everything.”
“He got me pregnant.” I pulled in a shaky breath and tried to calm the adrenaline coursing through my body. There were only two people who knew the entire story. Alex had lived it with me, and Jules had coaxed it out of me when she’d walked in on me changing one day.
“Go on.” He lay back down next to me, pulling me up against his chest as he rubbed my back. I was grateful I didn’t have to look into his eyes as I told him what I’d been through.
“I don’t know if I was in denial or if I really didn’t see the signs, but I was almost four months along before I realized I needed to take a test.”
“It’s okay,” he said soothingly as he massaged the base of my scalp.
“I didn’t tell anyone other than Alex until I couldn’t hide it anymore. I didn’t really start showing until I was five months, and by the time I hit six there was no way I could blame it on weight gain or stress eating.
“I told my parents and they flipped out. They were so angry, not just that I was pregnant at sixteen, but because it was so late along. To this day I’m not sure if they were mad I hid it for a month, or that it was too late to ‘take care of it’, as I heard them discussing one night when they thought I couldn’t hear them.
“I told Tanner, the father, and he freaked out. He said there was no way it could be his, that I had to have been fucking around on him. But the dates matched to just before he broke up with me, and he knew damn well there wasn’t anyone else. His dad is a lawyer and he had Tanner sign away his parental rights. My parents agreed and because we were both underage he walked away and I was still pregnant.”
“I can’t believe he would walk away from you like that.”
“I was just a lay. He didn’t care about me. All he saw was his life being ruined and his parents were no better than mine.”
“So I’m assuming you don’t have a little one at home,” he prompted gently when I paused.
For some reason telling Jay wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be. I didn’t know if it was how he was holding me, being so understanding, or just him.
“I gave her up for adoption.”
“Her?”
“Yeah. I had a little girl.” I bit my lip and hugged him a bit tighter. “My parents threatened to disown me. They said if I kept her I could leave and never look back. I was terrified. I was sixteen, almost seventeen and there was no way I could look after a baby by myself, especially homeless. So, I got in touch with an agency and I started meeting parents.
“The first couple I met with were perfect. I clicked with them as soon as they walked into the room. When I talked with them I could see how in love they were and how desperately th
ey wanted a baby. They had a great life, they were financially stable and were really down to earth.”
“And you picked them?”
“I did. I met with four other sets of parents but I didn’t feel that same pull. They were a gay couple, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I knew how wanted she was and how much they’d love her.”
“Because there’s no way they could have their own?”
“Yeah, is that terrible of me to think that?”
“Not at all.” He kissed my temple and put his cheek on the top of my head. “Other than surrogacy there’s really no other way for a gay couple to have kids, so you knew they really wanted to be parents if they were going through an adoption.”
“Exactly what I was thinking, and they were really wonderful people.”
“Were?”
“One of the conditions of the adoption was that it be closed. They offered to make it open so I could get letters and updates, even visits, but I couldn’t handle that. I asked for photos just after birth and then on her first birthday, but no return address and no contact after that. The thought of seeing her, learning about her when I couldn’t be part of her life was too hard, and I’m not her mom. I gave birth to her but she’s their daughter.”
“That had to be so hard.”
“It was, but I know I did the right thing.”
“I imagine the birth wasn’t easy. My mom had the same scar from Jax and I. Apparently we both tried to be born first and they had to do a C-section on her. I’m older, by the way. I started life a winner.”
I giggled in spite of myself. Jay always knew how to make me feel better.
“No, it wasn’t. It started out fine, but after almost two hours of pushing her heartrate dropped so suddenly they had to do an emergency one. When they pulled her out she wasn’t breathing—” My voice cracked and Jay gave me an encouraging squeeze. “There was a problem with the placenta and it caused trouble for both of us.”
“What do you mean?”
“It tore, which is why she was in distress, and I started hemorrhaging. They stopped the bleeding and got her breathing again, but I had to go to recovery after and...”