On the way back to my apartment, we swing by Gilly’s and pick up sandwiches for everybody at the store. Keith runs into Marina Handy Mart for beer. Gary does not even frown. All of it is my treat. It makes me feel good that I get to buy beer and sandwiches for everybody.
“This is the best feeling in the world!” I tell them.
15
Keith drinks beer while I straighten my bank papers in a pile on the kitchen counter.
I will need a desk, I decide. Rich people have desks. I chew on a sandwich, sit at my kitchen table, and do my words. I am careful not to spill crab and mayonnaise on my dictionary or in my journal.
“This is the first day that I am rich,” I write. Then I remember I was so excited this morning I forgot to do any of my chores. I have to finish my laundry. I look over at Keith. His mouth is open wide, but he is not talking. I hear him grunt. He is stretched out sideways on my couch and his eyes are closed. I get up, remove the can of beer from his hand before it spills, and cover him with Gram’s orange and brown knitted afghan. While Keith sleeps, I clean my bathroom and move clothes from the washer to the dryer. While it rumbles CHUG CHUG CHUG, I make a list of what I can buy with my lottery money:
1. Big flat-screen (twenty-seven inches) TV
2. Cable with Animal Planet
3. New jacket (green) with hood
That is as far as I get. My phone rings. I try to grab it fast before it wakes Keith, but he does not stir. His mouth is moving, like he is chewing. He grunts louder and turns over. He sounds more like a pig than a motorcycle. He keeps snoring on the couch. It makes it hard to hear. I put the receiver to my head and cover my other ear.
It is John. I am surprised. I hear the sound of traffic behind his voice.
“I’m in Everett. Where do you live?” He never asked where my apartment was when I moved. John thinks so fast he cannot keep details in his mind. That is what Gram used to say.
“That boy’s mind is like a steel trap with the hinges hanging half off,” she said.
“My place is above the store,” I tell him.
“Where’s the store?” He has never come to see me at Holsted ’s. I tell him it is next door to Gramp’s boatyard. He hangs up on me.
My phone rings again right away.
“Oh darling! I just saw the news on the television! Lucky, lucky boy! How is my precious?” I do not know who this is. I do not recognize the voice.
“Miss Elk?” It might be Miss Elk.
“No! Silly! It’s your mother! When can I come see you? Tomorrow? ” I can hear her breathing through the line. It sounds like she has been running.
“Louise? Are you running?” She has never called me on the phone before. Gram said she was allergic to consideration.
“Only her own feelings, Perry. That’s all she ever cares about. She’s allergic to anyone else’s but her own. I don’t know what my son was thinking,” Gram said. “The only thing she’s considerate of is someone else’s bank account.”
Louise’s laugh sounds like a tinkling bell. “Sweetie, don’t be silly. It’s just our little joke. You can call me Mother now. In fact, it’s probably better if you do. People might get confused.” She hangs up only after I promise to write her a check.
My phone rings again. It is my other cousin-brother, David. He says he is on his way.
“Where are you?” David’s voice is hard to understand. He talks low. I hear his wife in the background. You’d better get your ass over there. Get over there now!
“Home,” I say.
“I’m coming right over.” David does not know where I live either. Ask your brother if John is there. That is what his wife says.
I look over at Keith. He is still sleeping on Gram’s couch. My couch now. When John sat on it at Gram’s he said it smelled like cat pee, but it does not. It smells like Gram. That is why I like it. Keith snorts again. I cannot decide whether he has passed out or is just taking a nap. It can be hard to tell sometimes. Seven beer cans are scattered on the floor. Seven is nothing for Keith. I have seen him drink more. I do not drink.
“Has John been there yet?” David asks. I think that is funny.
When John called he asked, “Has David been there?” And when Louise called she asked, “Have your brothers gotten there yet?”
I tell him they will have to talk to each other because I cannot remember where they all are or where they are going. I hear Elaine yelling at him through the phone and he takes a long, loud breath. Gram said that is what my brothers do when they want something and don’t want anyone to know it.
“You listen to them breathe, Perry. That’ll tell you all you need to know,” Gram said.
“Where exactly”—David’s words are slow—“is your apartment?”
After I tell him, he hangs up.
My dryer buzzes, so I fold the clothes and put Keith’s in a separate pile. I go get my Sears catalogue and page through to see what kind of televisions they have. I do not find flat screens, but my catalogue is five years old.
After our TV broke, Gram and I would take the bus to Kmart and watch Wheel of Fortune on the new televisions.
“It’s the only goddamned thing worth watching on TV, now that Let’s Make a Deal is off the air,” Gram said. We would pretend to choose which one to buy. I wish I won the lottery when she was alive. She would really love having a TV again. Flat screen. A big twenty-seven-incher. Gram liked The Price Is Right and Days of Our Lives even though she would complain when she watched them.
“No, you’re bidding too high!” she would yell.
“Lower! Lower! You’ll go over!” She would motion with her thumb.
“Can’t you see he’s lying to you? Goddamned! They’re all so ignorant!” She would shake her head, disgusted. Gram said most people have no common sense. “They just have no sense, Perry!”
She got so loud one time the Kmart guy asked us to leave. I was embarrassed, but Gram was not.
“Never feel bad when you have to leave somewhere,” she would say. “The other person is only showing their lack of consideration. ”
Consideration is when other people want you around and do not ask you to leave. Even when you are loud. That is consideration. I do not have time to think about that anymore because there is a banging on my door so loud my teeth rattle.
“It’s me. John! Open up!” I recognize John because his voice has a growling shout. I laugh because it is funny when people tell you things you already know.
“Ha!” I laugh. “Ha! Ha!”
“Don’t play games!” John calls out through the door. “Open up!” I count to five then turn the knob. John sounds angry, but the kind of angry that he does not want me to know about. Like the time he found out about Gram’s house.
Keith tells me I should be more careful of John.
“He’s like a junkyard dog, fine until you have him trapped in a corner,” Keith says.
I laugh to imagine John a dog.
“His wife, CeCe, has a dog,” I said to Keith. “A tiny pink poodle named Gigi.”
Keith snorted when I told him that. “It figures!” he said.
I hear Gram say be careful and junkyard dog in my head.
“Well, my brother is quite the lucky one.” John’s breath comes hard like he has been exercising. His smile reminds me of the piranha I saw on Discovery Channel, all pokey with teeth. “You need to pack a suitcase. On the other hand, don’t bother. We’ll get you new clothes. Yours smell like that old couch.” He paces across the floor as he says this and chews on the end of one finger.
This surprises me. He has never offered to buy me anything. Gram always said when a person offers to do something it is usually to their advantage. I wait.
“We have the spare room all set up, you can stay with CeCe and me. You can’t stay here. People are going to descend on you like a swarm of flies.” He looks at his hand. Picks a finger and starts to nibble the nail.
When Gram died, John’s spare room was torn up. I am happy for him it is fixed now.
“I’m okay.” I stop speaking when I see John’s face move. His eyebrows go down and his lips get small like they used to when he talked to Gram. Small and tight like when she told him she would not invest her savings in his projects or lend him money. Right now, I would rather decide which TV I want to buy than talk to John. He does not look like he is interested in what I want to do.
“Who’s he?” John points to Keith asleep on the couch.
“My friend Keith.” I tell him.
“See, they’re after you already! You’ve got to be careful,” John warns.
“Hey! That’s what Gram said!” But he does not seem to hear me. I am uncomfortable. My neck itches. I do not know why John is here. He has never come for a visit before.
My knocker rattles again. John pushes past me to open the door. It is David. This makes me upset.
“It is not nice to open other people’s doors,” I tell John.
“I can’t believe you won the lottery!” David smiles and tries to shake my hand, but John steps in front, blocking him.
“Don’t you mean we?” John smiles so wide his teeth and gums show. He pokes David’s shoulder.
“No, I mean Perry, you moron!” David pushes him away.
“Who are you calling a moron, you pipsqueak?” John says.
It is rude to call someone a moron.
It is also rude to call someone a pipsqueak.
They are both so loud Keith wakes up. “What the hell!” His eyes look like bottle caps, all round and white around the edges. Keith rolls off the couch onto the floor. That had to hurt. I do not have carpet on my floor, only brown speckled linoleum tile. I am afraid that David and John will fight with each other and I want them to go away.
Fighting is rude.
“Go away,” I say. When they do not listen, I sit down on the couch. There is more room now that Keith has fallen off.
“I’m surprised that wife of yours let you out of her sight. As long as you’re here, make yourself useful. Tell Perry he needs to come with me.”
“Why you? Just what are you planning?” David’s chin juts out. He pokes his brother in the chest.
John’s teeth are bared. He looks like his wife’s dog, Gigi, except he is bigger and does not have curly pink hair and a bow.
“We need to decide what to do. Take charge of this situation.” His chin wiggles and shakes like Jell-O or maybe Santa, I decide. He is frowning like a Halloween pumpkin.
“Ha! He’s got two holidays, Keith!” I laugh.
John scowls at me and David scowls at John. Keith is crawling around on the floor trying to wake up.
“What’s so funny, Perry?” John yells.
“He’s just nervous. He’s not responsible. Someone has to take care of him, watch out for him,” David says. “Elaine says he can stay with us.”
“Elaine says! Elaine says! Elaine says!” John makes his voice high like a girl’s and pushes David’s shoulder. “Is that all you can say? Perry needs to stay with me and CeCe!”
I did not need to be taken care of or watched when Gram died. But now I do.
“I think you both have worn out your welcome.” Keith is not tall when he is on his hands and knees, but when he gets to his feet, he looks fierce. Just like the Hulk, only he is not green and his shirt is not ripped.
John and David end up going out the door very fast. Keith’s foot is right behind them. He is a good boxer even without his hands. Keith slams the door so hard the window shudders.
“I can sue you for assault! I can sue!” I hear John shout as his feet make loud tromps down the stairs. Sue means that you will get back at someone when they do something you do not like. Sue is also a girl’s name.
“Over my dead body, assholes! Over my dead body! You two don’t fool me!” Keith yells through the door. “No siree, Bob! I’m not fooled!”
Not being fooled is what everybody says when they are.
16
Gram started a baby book, my first book, when I was born. It had my picture from the hospital when I looked like a monkey.
“All babies look like monkeys, Perry, every single one,” Gram said.
“Do monkey babies look like humans to other monkeys?” It was something I wondered.
“Don’t be smart!” Gram said.
I learned to print my name with Gram’s help when I was six. Gram helped me write in my baby book. Inside we put pictures of me and Gram and Gramp. Each time we finished a page we would go on to the next. When I was seven my book was full and Gram bought another.
Now I have to buy my own books. I keep my words and ideas in them. I have lots of ideas and lots of books. Gram told me if I wrote smaller I would not need so many, but I like to write big. And pictures. I like to put pictures in. I have nineteen books. I am on book twenty.
With Gram gone I have to not forget. Not forgetting is hard. I have to work hard to not forget. Remembering is different than not forgetting. It is the opposite of. Remembering is like a little movie that comes back to you. It is something special and unexpected. Like when I remembered the first time Gramp took me sailing. A little movie.
Not forgetting is business. Like you have to not forget that your laundry is in the dryer or not forget to pay your bills. Remembering is fun. Not forgetting is hard. Writing helps me to not forget.
I came to live with Gram when I was just a baby. I do not remember when I was one year old, or two, or three, but Gram did. I like to read my first book again from the very beginning, whenever I miss Gram.
Sat up by himself—ten months.
Walked—two years.
First word Ga! for Gramp—two and a half years. George was so proud of him!
George was my Gramp. I like to know that he was proud of me.
I read silently but sometimes my lips move over the hard words. I can feel them.
Gram wrote chapters in my first book like this.
One year old.
Two ” ”
Three ” ”
Those little marks save time. They look like teeth. They are like words. That is so cool. They mean that things are all the same. Or they mean whatever you want them to. I do not remember much about when I was that little. It is fortunate that Gram wrote everything down in my baby book. That way I can read it over and over.
There are other things inside my book. Letters in Gram’s handwriting stamped with Return to sender on the envelope.
Dear Louise,
Gramp and I have no problem keeping Perry, but you have to be a part of his life. All boys need their mothers. . . .
G.J.,
We need to hear from you. We need to know why . . .
G.J. is my father. That is what Gram said. I think his name was George too. But he was called G.J. His name is only letters.
“He’s your father, but he’s no son of mine. No son of mine!” Gram would say.
Louise was a lawyer’s wife. That is different than a plain mother. They do not have to keep all of their children. Gram said she and Gramp needed me so Louise lent me to them. They liked me so much they kept me for good. That is cool.
There is a picture of me as a baby crawling. It is taped to one page. Gram’s handwriting is underneath. Perry loves his Gramp and follows him around like a puppy. I laugh. I like to think of myself as a puppy. There is another one of me in our boat. I have a red hat with matching mittens. Gram’s words are above. Perry went sailing with Gramp. He’s picked it up real fast and is learning to work the tiller.
Gram wrote all the things I could do and how old I was.
Perry is reading words now. That teacher doesn’t know what she is talking about. He reads signs and we do the crossword together. I tell him to print the words and which square to put them in and he does a real good job.
Doing things faster, better, and bigger is important to people.
“It’s like a contest for moms if a baby weighs more, is taller, or walks first. A goddamn contest!” Gram said this when I had trouble reading and writing in school. My tea
chers would invite all the parents to meetings and Gram would come. She would collect my papers and bring them home and we would work together to make them better. Her voice would get soft and low when she told me about how mad she got during those school meetings. The teachers would call me names. School meetings are called conferences. Conferences are when the teacher tells you how bad your kid is. The teachers would all say different things.
Maybe Downs, but he doesn’t look it.
He is borderline. Not developing normally.
You have to accept the fact that Perry is retarded . . . mildly retarded.
“It’s like they’re talking about a goddamn cheese, Perry! Mild shmild my ass!” Gram said.
They put me in Special Ed.
“There’s nothing special about it! It’s just a bunch of names! Perry, you’re just slow and that’s not a bad thing. You’ll still end up at the same place. People like names. It makes them feel superior,” Gram said.
Superior is when somebody thinks they are better than you, only they are not.
Gram always laughed when she read all the stuff about schools and teaching in the news, especially when I got older.
“Education shmeducation. Those politicians don’t know a goddamned thing! It’s them that needs educating.” And “Look, Perry, we could sue the sonsabitches if you were going to school now!” Then she would do her witch-cackle laugh. She made sure I knew all the new names. Each year they were different.
“Hey, Perry, you would be cognitively challenged now! Just like your brothers, only they’re morally challenged!” She pointed to the articles in magazines or newspapers.
Challenged. I liked that. We are all challenged. Challenged means you have obstacles to overcome. Gram read up on something called learning disabilities.
“Perry, I bet you had some of those and we never even knew it.”
I told her I did not think so. I was just slow. That was hard enough. I did not want her to give me anything else.
I keep looking through my book.
SCHOOL. MY FIRST memories of school. I was six years old. I know this because Gram wrote pages about it in my book. This is one of my first memories, but it was not a good one. I cried. You cannot go into school if you do not poop and pee in the toilet. I was scared. The teacher did not tell me where the potty room was and my poop went into my pants. I laughed because I was scared. It was all warm and runny. I laugh when I am scared or nervous. I do not know why it just comes out. Gram said I get anxious easily. Anxious is when you are not sure what other people will do. My teacher, Miss Kathy, called Gram on the phone. I went home with Gram and she cleaned me up. For a while I went to school only in the morning. Gram would meet me at the door of my class.
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