by McLean, Jay
First and Forever
Heartache Duet Book 2
Jay McLean
Copyright © 2019 by Jay McLean
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover Art: Jay McLean
Formatting: Jay McLean
Editor: Tricia Harden (Emerald Eyes Editing)
For my tribe
“I did it for you.”
Contents
1. Connor
2. Ava
3. Connor
4. Connor
5. Connor
6. Ava
7. Ava
8. Ava
9. Connor
10. Ava
11. Connor
12. Ava
13. Ava
14. Ava
15. Connor
16. Ava
17. Ava
18. Ava
19. Connor
20. Ava
21. Connor
22. Ava
23. Connor
24. Connor
25. Connor
26. Ava
27. Ava
28. Ava
29. Connor
30. Ava
31. Ava
32. Connor
33. Connor
34. Connor
35. Connor
36. Ava
37. Ava
38. Connor
39. Connor
40. Connor
41. Connor
42. Connor
43. Connor
44. Ava
45. Connor
46. Ava
47. Connor
48. Ava
49. Ava
50. Connor
51. Ava
52. Connor
Epilogue
Also by Jay McLean
About the Author
Chapter 1
Connor
All the days blur into one, and the only thing I care about is basketball. Because never have I wanted a way out of this dumpster-fire of a life more than I do now. Karen sits next to me in psych, Ava on the opposite side of the room, as far away from me as possible. She doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even look at me. I spend every lunch break in the cafeteria, suffocating in the stupidity of the people around me.
There are no goodnight kisses.
No knocks on my window.
No lengthy text messages.
No late-night phone calls.
And no game day balloons.
There’s just me. Existing in a foreign world, living a life I thought I wanted while loving a girl who can’t love me back.
And there’s also my piece of shit car that decides to randomly stop working on the way home after another back-to-back private coaching session. I have just enough time to pull the car over on the side of the road before it dies completely. Dropping my forehead against the wheel, I crank the engine. Nothing. I check the fuel gauge; that’s fine. So I flick on the hazards and push open the door with both feet, my frustration making an appearance in the form of a groan. I lift the hood, and then I stare at a hunk of metal because I have no clue what I’m looking at.
I walk around the car, inspecting the tires because… I don’t know why. I’m tired, and I’m sore, and I just want to get home and die on my bed and not get up until I have to. I grab my phone from my car and dial Dad’s number. It rings out. I try it again. And again. And I’m sure there are other people I could be calling, but I’m drained, physically and emotionally, and so I sit my ass on the gravel in front of the car and take in the silence around me. Appreciate it. It’s dark out, but the skies are clear except for a few lonely stars. If a serial killer were to drive by, I’d be the perfect victim. I laugh at the thought and go to message Ava… but then I remember. And then I wonder how it is I could’ve ever forgotten.
After everything that happened with my mom, my dad thought it would be a good idea to do therapy, both alone and together. I remember sitting next to him when the therapist asked him to describe what it felt like to lose her—his wife. He said—besides his concerns of what it would do to me long-term—losing her was like waking up twice.
First, you wake up and think that everything’s normal. Like you’re going to walk into the kitchen, and she’ll be there making breakfast and playing with your son. And then you realize that that’s not going to happen, and you wake up again. To reality. And that reality is your life.
I think, in a way, I’m still at the waking-up-for-the-first-time stage. And maybe it’s not fair, or right, to compare losing Ava to my dad losing his wife, the mother of his son, but there it is.
And here I am.
Hand out in front of me, I shield my eyes from the oncoming headlights. The car slows and then crosses over, parks in front of me, headlights to headlights. I recognize the car as soon as my vision clears, and then the long legs and short skirt. Karen stands between both vehicles. “What the hell are you doing?”
I shrug, keep my eyes on her shoes because I know if I look up, I’ll see a hell of a lot more than I want to. “I don’t know, taking in the scenery?”
“What?” she huffs out, sitting down in front of me, her legs kicked out next to mine.
“My car broke down, obviously.”
She sighs. “I should start wearing a cape if I’m going to be saving your ass this much.”
“You don’t have to stay,” I tell her. “My dad can come get me. He’s just not answering his phone right now.”
Karen nods, a frown pulling at her lips. “But you’re all pathetic and miserable, and I feel sorry for you, so…”
I laugh once. “Am I that obvious?”
“Connor,” she whines. “It’s like you forgot that I lost her once, too.”
I look down at my hands, clear the knot in my throat.
“But you’re so tragic right now, and I get it,” she says with a surprising amount of sincerity. “Maybe it would help if you talked about it?”
“I don’t think there’s anything to say.”
“Well, what happened with you guys? What changed?”
“I don’t know…” I find a loose rock and flip it in my hands. “Her mom happened, and my basketball took over any free time we had. We just never seemed to be on the same page at the same time.”
“That sucks and all, but it’s kind of unavoidable, no?”
I sniff away the memories flooding my mind and ask, “You know what the worst part is?”
“What?”
I look up at her and give her a truth I’ve kept only for myself. “I was doing it all for her.”
Her brow lifts. “What do you mean?”
“My plan was always four years at a D1 college and then hopefully go pro. But then I met Ava and her mom and… and they’re struggling so much with everything. I just… I thought if I put in the work now, then I could get the offer I need, do my one year and then declare for the draft and hopefully get a decent enough contract that I could… I could take care of them, you know?”
Karen’s quiet as she stares at me, right into my eyes, and I don’t look away because I have nothing to hide. Barely a whisper, she asks, “Does she know any of this?”
I shake my head
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t tell her,” I sigh out.
“Why?”
I suck in a heavy breath. “Because what if I don’t make it? What if all her hopes for her future relied on me and I couldn’t follow through?” I throw the rock acr
oss the road. “What if I fail?”
Karen’s throat moves with her swallow, and she breaks her stare, looks down at her lap. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, Connor.”
“But it’s not just that,” I continue, feeling the weight of my words release the pressure in my chest. “I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to feel obligated to stay with me if or when she ever stopped loving me.”
Karen’s gaze meets mine again, her eyebrows raised. “She said she loves you?”
I nod.
“And you… do you love her?”
“My heart beats for her.”
Ava
Mr. Ledger opens his door, his eyes widening when he sees me. “Hey, Ava. Connor’s not home right now.”
Good. “Actually, I came to see you.”
“Sure,” he says, nodding. “Do you want to come in?”
I look over his shoulder to the open door of Connor’s bedroom and push away the memories. “I’d prefer to stay out here if that’s okay?”
He offers a smile before flicking on the porch light. “What can I help you with?”
“You mentioned before that if I ever needed help with anything I could come to you… and I know that Connor and I are no longer together, but I was hoping your offer still stands?”
“Of course,” he says, concern filling his eyes as his gaze flicks to our house. “Is everything okay with your mom?” He moves back a step and starts slipping on his shoes, adding, “Should I get my medical—”
“No!” I rush out, waving a hand in front of me. “No, she’s fine. Sorry.” I shake my head. “I didn’t mean to scare you. She’s… she’s okay.” Physically. I raise the stack of papers between us, still warm from the printer. “Trevor and I—we got this letter from our insurance about Mom’s care, and I don’t understand much of it, or any of it really, but I think they want to make changes and—”
“And you want me to have a look over it?” he interrupts.
“Yes, please,” I breathe out. “Whenever you have time. I know you’re busy.”
“I have time now,” he says with a reassuring smile. He takes the papers from me and motions to his porch steps.
I nod, grateful. “Thank you so much, sir,” I tell him, sitting down. “You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”
He settles in next to me, his eyes holding mine. “It’s no problem, Ava. I’ll do what I can.”
Before he can read the first line, a car pulls into his driveway, and my breath catches. I know the car. I know the girl. I thought I knew the boy sitting beside her. “Thanks for the ride,” he calls out over his shoulder as he steps out, then shuts the car door. He starts heading toward us, not once looking up. He hasn’t seen me yet, and I wish he wouldn’t see me at all. I wish it were as easy to hide here as it is at school. My heartache forces a shuddered breath, and I get to my feet. The movement’s enough for Connor to look up, deer meet headlights, and he stills. A strangled sound forms in his throat, his eyes wide and fixed on mine. “Hey.”
I come to at the sound of his voice, at the way his eyes drink me in. I look away and force myself to remember that we no longer exist. It’s just him and me… and the world that divides us. “Hi,” I offer, my false smile hiding my true agony.
“Ava just had some questions about her insurance policy,” Mr. Ledger says, and Connor nods without shifting his stare.
“I should go,” I mumble, then turn to Connor’s dad. “I put my number on the top there, so just call or message me once you’ve read over it. And thank you again. I really appreciate it.”
He smiles. “It’s no problem at all, Ava.”
I turn to leave, but a wall of Connor blocks my path. “Can I walk you to your door?”
Nerves fly through my bloodline. “If you want to.”
He turns on his heels, waiting for me to step beside him before saying, “My car broke down, and Karen gave me a ride home.”
I contain my scoff to a silent sneer. “She seems to be doing a lot of that lately.”
Connor’s grunt ends in a sigh. Hands shoved in his pockets, he keeps his mouth shut until we’re at my porch. “Ava, I need to know that you believe me,” he says, and I stop with one foot on the step and look up at him. “I get that you’re done with me, and as much as I hate that, I can’t force you to be with me if you don’t want to be.” I chew my lip because I have nothing to say, nothing to add. And so he continues, “I shouldn’t have lied to you. Yes, it was just me in her car that night, and yes, I was out longer than I told you. She drove us to the sports park, and after slapping me around for a bit, we played and talked ball all night—”
“And most of the morning,” I add, looking down, my arms crossed, shielding him from me.
He sways back a little as if hit by my words. “Yes,” he admits. “I lost track of time.”
“Because you were so busy enjoying yourself?” He doesn’t respond immediately, and so I say through the ache in my chest, “Because it’s nice to forget every now and then, to forget the pressures of life and just be a carefree, normal teenager?” When I look up, I see him watching me with anguish in his eyes. Or maybe it’s guilt.
He licks his lips, offers a half-hearted shrug. “I guess… I don’t know.”
“It’s kind of worse,” I croak out. “You having an emotional connection with someone else.” I fight to keep my tears hidden. “I’d almost rather you just fucked—”
“Stop it,” he interrupts.
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I whisper.
“It does matter because I can’t walk away from this knowing you think that of me.” He takes a step forward. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t. Ava, you know me. You know me better than anyone else in this entire world. You know how much I love you,” he pleads, his voice cracking with emotion. “You know me, Ava,” he repeats, and I can feel the layers of protection I’ve built around my heart start to weaken, to shed, to disintegrate. He taps a finger under my chin, lifting, so I have no choice but to face him. To look at him. To see the sorrow and agony and desperation in his soul. He cups my neck, his forehead resting against mine. Breath warm against my lips, he whispers, “Ava, you know my heart.”
It would be so easy to kiss him.
To love him openly and without regret.
To ignore everything else.
But it would also be greedy.
And foolish.
And reckless.
“I believe you, Connor.” I push against his chest, forcing some space between us. “But we can’t be what you want us to be.”
Chapter 2
Ava
Sadness clings to Mom’s lashes while I cling to hope, and when her eyes close, the tears she sheds merge with the bath water up to her chin. I run the cloth along the scars on her face, then down her neck, and then to her amputated arm. “I’ll never be the same,” she whispers.
My hand stills. “No. You won’t,” I tell her honestly. “But only on the outside. Your heart is still the same.”
Her eyes open, and she covers my hand with hers. “But my mind isn’t, Ava, and that’s what scares me the most.”
Me too, I don’t say, and I hate to think of the demons swarming her mind, continually fighting for ways to escape. Even though I know the excruciating truth of what she experienced, I’ll never fully understand the severity of it. “We’re going to find a way to get you back.” I kiss her temple. “I promise, Mama.”
I give Mom her meds before getting into bed with her. And like all the other nights since the first time she asked, I lie with her until she’s fast asleep and pray the new cocktail of drugs does the rest. Then I go to my room and ready myself for another long night of homework.
An hour into an English paper and my mind begins to wander. My longing takes over my fingers as they tap away on the keyboard. And even though Trevor’s not home, I still check over my shoulder to make sure I’m alone. Shame washes through me as I go to the school website, click on the Athleti
cs tab and scroll down to Wildcats Basketball. I watch the highlights of his last game, my lips forming a smile whenever he appears.
“Ava?” Trevor calls out from behind me, and I spin around, my heart racing.
“Jesus, you scared me. When the hell did you get home?”
“Just now.” The smile he carries is so big it makes me suspicious. “And I have a surprise for you.” He steps to the side, and another figure joins him.
“Amy!” I’m on my feet and hugging her so hard she falls back a step. I didn’t even know Trevor was talking to his ex, but she has no reason to be here other than to see him. I rear back, my smile as wide as Trevor’s only moments ago. “What are you doing here?”
Trevor throws his arm around her waist, then slaps a sloppy kiss on her cheek. “She’s here to see her boyfriend.”
My next squeal is audible, just barely, and I hug them both.
Amy laughs, settles her hands on my shoulders as she takes in my features, her blue eyes squinting. “It’s so good to see you, Ava. Gosh, you’ve grown.”
“I didn’t even know you and Trevor were talking again.”
She shrugs. “Love has a way, you know?”
I nod, even though I don’t know. The only love I’ve experienced comes with limits. And those limits have been reached.