by McLean, Jay
I can practically hear her smile through the phone. “Did I tell you about what happened in multimedia yesterday?”
“No.”
“Well, Roy was partnered up with that Myra girl in class…” She starts telling me the story, and I listen to her words, and I try so fucking hard to feel the comfort in her voice, but for the first time ever, I can’t seem to sense it, to hear it… I can’t seem to find it… because I’m lost.
I’m so fucking lost.
Chapter 28
Ava
“Sorry, I just need to take this,” I tell everyone as I watch Connor’s name flash on my phone. I leave the kitchen and move just far enough away that Connor can’t hear the conversation Trevor, Mom, and Krystal are having with the doctors.
“Hey, MVP!” I greet, hoping he can’t hear my forced smile through the phone.
“Rhys said you aren’t at school today…”
“Wow, are you checking in on me all the way from Georgia?”
“No, Ava,” he says, his tone serious. “He called about something else and just mentioned it. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, babe. Mom’s doctors are here—”
“Why?”
“It’s just a general check-up; it happens…” I continue to lie because I don’t want him worrying. “Did I not tell you? It’s been scheduled for months.”
He blows out a breath. “No, you didn’t,” he replies, his voice softening. “So, nothing’s wrong?”
“Everything’s fine,” I assure, and add, “I’m sorry to worry you.”
He sighs. “It’s all good.”
“What are you doing, anyway?”
“I’m waiting around at the airport.”
“What time do you land?”
“Five. I’ll probably be home around eight. Dad wants to have dinner and then—”
“You’ll come over?” I ask, my smile genuine this time. “Please?”
He laughs once. “Yeah, of course.”
“Stay the night?”
“I was planning on it.”
I sigh, letting his voice fill the void in my heart. “God, I miss you,” I tell him, at the same time he says, “God, Ava, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”
We both laugh into the phone, a single second of clarity in an otherwise cloudy existence.
“I have to go,” I tell him. “But I can’t wait to see you.”
“Hey, Ava?”
“Yeah?”
He’s silent a beat. “I don’t think I realized how much I loved you and how much I needed you until this weekend. You mean everything to me. And I just want you to know that.” He hangs up before I can say another word and I look at my phone, stare at it, wondering what the hell just happened. I hold a hand to my stomach, try to settle the butterflies there.
“Ava?” Trevor calls out, bringing me back to reality—a reality full of fear and uncertainty.
Connor
Dad’s as proud of me in person as he was on the phone, and after everything that happened with my mother, it only creates a heavier weight on my chest. I wish I could be as happy to see him as he is to see me, but there are questions, so many of them, and I don’t know where to start. But more, I don’t know if I want to.
Nothing good could possibly come from opening up the wounds of our pasts.
Nothing.
I sit at the kitchen table, watching him watch me, a smile on his face, his eyes lit up with pride. “You were perfect, Connor. Every second you were out there. Not a single mistake.”
I scarf down my meal, not bothering to answer, and look at the clock.
“Damn, did I not give you enough money to eat while you were gone?”
I almost choke on the steak and cough, thump my fist against my chest to clear it. Then I wipe my mouth with a napkin and down my entire glass of water. “Sorry,” I tell him. “I told Ava I’d come by after dinner.” And as much as I appreciate my dad, he doesn’t kill my pain the way she does. But… “I’m being rude. You went through all this trouble, and… I’m being a shit. Sorry.”
He laughs under his breath, shaking his head, and pulls the plate away from me. “Go.”
“No, Dad,” I rush out, bringing the plate back. “She can wait.”
“But you can’t. Can you, Connor?”
I shrug, my heart filling with hope at the thought of seeing her again.
Dad stands, takes my plate with him. “Go, Connor!” he laughs out.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
I don’t ask again. Instead, I grab my phone, already texting her when I close the front door.
Connor: I’m coming over now.
Ava opens the door the second I step foot onto her porch, and she’s so much more than I remember. Four days. It’s only been four days, but it felt like a lifetime, and going by the way her cheeks lift with the force of her smile, the way she pushes me back a step so she can close the door behind her, and the way she jumps into my arms, her mouth going to mine, she felt everything I felt. I tighten my hold on her thighs while her legs go around me, her hands on the side of my face as she tilts her head, her tongue meeting mine, and this. This is exactly what I needed to forget everything else.
I just needed her.
She breaks our kiss, her eyes holding more emotion than her words. “I hated every second you were gone, you creep. Don’t do that again.”
“Me too.”
“Never again.”
I sigh, lean against her porch railing and put her back on her feet. “How are we going to do that?”
She slaps my chest. “I don’t know, Connor! Shrink me and put me in your pocket. Duh!”
I bite back a smile. “What about your mom?”
“Shrink her, too.”
Before I can respond, her front door opens, just a tad, and Miss D whispers, “MVP! MVP! MVP!”
Ava laughs. “She’s been waiting for you.”
Taking Ava’s hand, I lead her into her own house and stand in front of Miss D, my smile matching hers. I hadn’t realized I’d missed her, too, while I was gone, but here I am… glad to be back in the presence of two of the most important girls in my life. “Are you sick of people telling you how proud they are of you?” she asks.
I shrug. “I could always do with one more.”
“Oh, Connor, six-six, I’m so proud of you!” She steps forward, taking me in her embrace, and my arms go around her. One second. Two. And I don’t let go when she starts to pull away. I think of the hug my own mother gave me. How it was physically painful to even think about holding her like this. How I couldn’t even lift my arms when it was offered…
I look over Miss D’s head to see Trevor watching us, a frown tugging on his lips. When he notices me watching, he stands taller, plasters on a fake smile. “You did good, man.”
I finally release Miss D, but speak to him, “Thanks.” If he’s genuinely salty about Miss D’s affection toward me, then I’ll have to talk to him about it. I turn to Ava; she’s looking at her mom the same way Trevor was.
“I’m going to go to bed now,” Miss D announces.
“I’ll get all your stuff ready,” Ava says, her voice barely a whisper. She pats my arm as she passes. “I’ll meet you in my room?”
I glance at Trevor, but he’s looking down at his feet. I say, “Yeah, sure.”
Something’s different, off; I can feel it in my bones, or maybe it’s all in my head because nothing’s been clear for days now.
I get in Ava’s room, leave the door ajar, and sit on the edge of the bed, my phone burning a hole in my pocket. I take it out, put it on her nightstand. I’d sent my mother a text. Just one. Telling her I needed time. I haven’t heard from her since.
On the other side of the door, I can hear Ava and Trevor whispering loudly, a heated exchange, and my eyes narrow when I try to listen harder. “You’re not calling him!” Ava whispers.
“We need to do something if we want—”
“We’ll talk abo
ut it tomorrow,” Ava cuts in. “Just let me have tonight, okay?”
“Fine.”
When Ava steps foot in her room, she’s smiling, but it’s not the smile she greeted me with. It’s not real. It’s not Ava. “Are you ready to get your nudes now?” she asks, sitting next to me.
“I heard you and Trevor arguing just now. What’s going on?”
“We weren’t arguing,” she murmurs, watching her legs kick back and forth.
“It sounded like an argument.”
She looks up at me now. “Did it?”
I lick my lips, try to find a response, but I’m tired, and the last thing I want is to fight her on this. She shifts her hair to the side, revealing her neck, and I know what she wants. I press my lips there, moaning when her hand finds my hair. Her head shifts so our mouths meet, and she pushes on my shoulder, lowering me to my back, and everything else fades when I get lost in her touch, in her taste, in the way she feels naked, her body sliding against mine. The world is silent, so are the raging thoughts that had been plaguing my mind. It’s just her and me, and her whispered, “I love you so much, Connor. Forever.”
When it’s over, she lies in my arms, her head on my chest. “So that’s what people mean when they say making love,” she muses, a single finger running up the length of my torso.
“I guess so,” I agree, keeping my voice low, so we don’t wake the rest of the house.
She leans up on her elbow and looks down at me. “Connor?”
“Yeah?” I reply, holding her hair away from her face so I can see her clearly.
“Do you think we’ll make it? I mean, when you go to Duke, and I… do whatever… Do you think we can do it? Outlast it all?”
“I fucking hope so, Ava.”
“Good,” she breathes out. “Because I really don’t want to live the rest of my life with anyone but you.”
“Me, too.”
She smirks. “Well, you kind of have to live with you.”
“You know what I mean, smartass.” I roll her off me. “I have to go home.”
She sits up, holds the blankets to her chest. Eyes wide, she whisper-yells, “What?!”
I laugh once. “Calm down,” I tell her, slipping into my sweatpants, no boxers. “I just have to go grab my toothbrush and stuff. It’s all still in my bag.” I kiss her forehead. “I’ll be back. Don’t worry.”
She lies back down, settling on her side, and leaves room for when I return.
I rush over to my house, catch Dad just before he leaves for work. “I’m going to stay at Ava’s tonight,” I tell him, unzipping my luggage to get my toiletries bag.
“Should I be talking to her mom about you staying there as often as you do?” Dad asks, standing in the doorway of my bedroom. “It’s not a problem, right? You’re not sneaking around?”
“No,” I laugh out. “Miss D worries when I’m not there in the morning.”
“And her brother, Trevor, he’s okay with it?”
“Yes, Dad.” I find what I need and grab a change of clothes for school tomorrow. “Everything’s good.”
“Okay.” He nods. “And you and Ava, you’re being careful when it comes to intimacy?”
I chuckle, turning to him. “We’re using protection, yes.”
“Just one form? Because no contraception is a hundred percent, and I know you love her, and you’d do anything for her—you’ve proven that—but having a baby in your immediate future…”
I suck in a breath, let his words replay in my mind. “I’ll talk to her about going on the pill or something.”
“Okay, good,” Dad says. “That was a lot easier than I’d prepared myself for.”
“Dad, Ava and I aren’t normal teenage kids. I’m sure a baby is the last thing she wants. She’s already taking care of her mom; adding that to her plate now would just—”
“Of course, yeah…”
“But don’t worry.” I pat his shoulder as I pass him. “You’ll be a grandpa soon enough.”
“Jesus, help me,” he mumbles.
I laugh under my breath as I close the front door behind me. The idea of a forever with her causes a stupid skip in my step as I make my way back. I enter her house, having left it unlocked, and go straight to her room. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, her head lowered, her phone in her hand. She looks up when I enter, and my heart aches when I see the tears in her eyes. “What happened?”
She hands me her phone, and my heart drops. It’s not her phone. It’s mine. “Who’s Wendy?” she whispers.
My stomach twists, and my breaths halt. I look down at my phone, at the message there.
Wendy: Thank you for meeting me the other night. I really needed to see you.
“Connor?” Ava cries.
I look up at her, my eyes drifting shut, so I don’t have to see the pain in her expression. “She’s… no one.”
“Connor!” she whisper-yells.
My eyes snap open, and I regret it the moment I see her stand, her hand to her heart. She lets out a sob, and then another. “Who is she?”
Anger blazes through me, not at her. But at my mother. That she can ruin everything important to me while barely existing. Only she’s not here. Ava is. And so I take that anger and aim it at the only person in front of me. “Why are you going through my phone?”
“Get out!” Her fists hit my chest. “Get the fuck out!”
My heart burns, regret quick to consume me. “I’m sorry, Ava.” I grasp her elbows. “Please, I’m sorry.”
“Who is she?!” she cries
“I can’t tell you,” I rush out. She can’t know, and I’m not ready. “But, please, it’s not what it looks like; I swear to you. On everything we are and everything we have, I promise you.” My voice cracks. I don’t care that it does. I plead, my hands steepled in front of me. “You need to believe me, Ava. Please.”
Her nostrils flare, her tears flowing fast and free. “And you need to think about what you’re asking of me. Because you have a pretty sketchy fucking history of lying to me, especially when it comes to girls! Now get the fuck out, Connor!”
Chapter 29
Connor
I don’t sleep.
Can’t.
Everything inside me is broken.
I regret my initial reaction to Ava reading the text, but I don’t regret anything after. The possible legal consequences of her knowing the truth far outweigh the secret. And as much as I want her to be a part of what I’m going through, she can’t be. She can’t know.
I reach for my phone when the alarm goes off and pray I might have missed a message from her. But there’s nothing. The last text is from my mom, and all it does is shatter the already broken pieces of me. I type out a reply:
I hate you.
I delete it right away.
Then I try calling Ava; there’s no answer. And so I get dressed for school and wait by my truck. If I can get a few minutes with her just so I can explain without revealing too much, maybe it’ll be enough. I push off my truck when her front door opens, but she’s not there. Only Trevor. He glares at me, his eyes narrowed, and the last thing I need is a lecture from him. “You waiting on Ava?” he calls out.
“Yeah.”
“She already left, bro. She said you had an early practice and she was catching the bus.”
She lied. For me. “We must’ve got our wires crossed.”
He opens his truck door. “Did you try calling her?”
“I’ll do it now.”
I get in my truck and dial her number again, and again there’s no answer. I get to school just before the first bell. We don’t have any classes together today, and I don’t see her during lunch or at any time in between. I search for her, though, my eyes always roaming. When the end-of-lunch bell rings, I don’t go to class. Instead, I go to Miss Turner’s office, knock.
“Come in,” she calls out.
I poke my head in, my gaze everywhere at once.
“Mr. Ledger, how can I help you?”
/> “Have you seen Ava today?”
She shakes her head. “No. Was I supposed to?”
I close her door without a response and head to the student parking lot, my pulse racing, stomach twisting. Everything is a blur once I get in my truck, searching for her everywhere I can think of. I can’t seem to keep a single thought in line, and when my phone alerts me to a message, I fumble for it, almost veering off the road.
Wendy: She’s willing to travel. When can you get away next?
I ignore the message, my hand forming a fist before it makes contact with the steering wheel. “Fuck!” I drive back home, and I know I should wait, but I can’t. Just like I know I shouldn’t knock, but I do. Krystal opens the door just enough to peer through the gap. When she sees me, she opens it wider. “Hey, Connor.”
“Is Ava here?
“No.” Her brow dips in concern. “She should be at school.”
I sigh. “We must’ve just missed each other. Sorry for bothering you.”
Miss D appears next to Krystal. “Did you try calling her?”
I don’t want to worry them, so I say, “No, my phone’s dead, so… I’ll see you later?”
Miss D nods. “Why aren’t you at school?”
“I had a basketball thing.” The lies flow, effortless, and I hate that they do.
She asks, “Do you want to wait for her here?”
“I can’t. I got some chores I need to get done.”
“Such a good boy,” Miss D tells Krystal.
She’s lying, too.
She just doesn’t know it.
I sit on my porch, constantly checking the time. Ava has to be home soon to let Krystal go for the day. She won’t just disappear. At least, I hope not. I plan out what I’ll tell her. I’ll apologize. Again. And I’ll beg her to trust me, that this isn’t like before, and that I just need time. I’ll plead with her to remember everything we have and everything we share and to look deep inside herself and question whether she truly believes I’m capable of doing anything, anything at all, to hurt her. And I pray to a God I don’t believe in that my love for her will be enough.