by Ali Vali
Berkley’s eyebrows rose as if the admission had stunned her.
“I might’ve been raised on the water, but it doesn’t come close to how free I feel when we’re together like this.” Aidan swept her hair down Berkley’s body. “How privileged I am that it’s me you’ve picked to share yourself with,” she said as her fingers slipped inside.
Berkley closed her eyes and lost herself in the pleasure Aidan gave so willingly in that one moment, but it wasn’t the same as when she was in love with her. Her body relaxed after the orgasm, but Berkley had held back for good reason.
This was one night, and she wasn’t crazy or naïve enough to hope otherwise. Thinking like that would only lead to complications and self-inflicted wounds when she watched Aidan sail away. Again.
Chapter Five
“Commander.” Will’s assistant casually saluted Berkley when she stepped into the building the next morning. “Captain Jepson would like to see you, ma’am.”
Berkley was still a little tired from the hours of sleep she’d missed, but she felt the pleasant ache in some of her muscles and put the slight fatigue aside. Her body was sated, but the nagging feeling that she’d made a colossal mistake had been gnawing at her since their night had ended with her walking Aidan to her car and kissing her good night at around midnight.
Aidan had made more than one promise as the night progressed, but Berkley wasn’t putting too much faith in any pretty words Aidan spun about the future. Experience had been lesson enough on that score, and if Aidan had been driven before, now that she was the poster girl for the “new Navy” she’d be relentless to be the perfect naval officer and to hell with anyone who got in the way of that.
“No, now I keep my pants on until she leaves, and she will leave, and I’ll be fine,” she said to herself as she made her way to Will’s office.
“Good morning, sir,” she said to Will. “Ma’am,” she said as she saluted Aidan. “You asked to see me.”
There were files scattered over Will’s desk of the candidates who had attended Top Gun the last two years. Most were now serving on carriers scattered around the globe with a few assigned to shore bases after tours in Iraq. Berkley followed Will’s line of vision when he didn’t respond, surprised to find her name on the top folder.
“Captain Sullivan has expressed her strong desire in recruiting you to be her team leader on the upcoming mission,” he said.
“Did she?” Berkley said and brought her shoulders back.
“Berkley—” Aidan said her name, but Berkley talked over her.
“Funny how this is the first I’m hearing about it.” She would never embarrass Aidan, but somewhere between their first kiss and getting dressed hours later would’ve been a good time to broach the subject. “Sir, could you give us a few minutes?” Berkley said to Will.
“I was going to tell you…” Aidan just fell silent when Berkley glared at her once they were alone.
“Save it. Save the lies and the come-ons because you’re wasting your breath. You want to save the world, have at it, but leave me out of it. I’m not some project for you to fix, Aidan. I told you last night why I’m here, and you believing I’m wasting my talents isn’t going to change what happened and how I’m dealing with it.”
“I have the authority to pull you—”
“Do you really want to finish that statement? You do and you prove me right about what a liar you are. I’m such an idiot.” Berkley shook her head. “You’re going to pretend you’re the perfect officer now. You have the ability to erase the most interesting things from your memory when it’s convenient to you, doesn’t it? What would Daddy have to say about that?”
“That was uncalled for, so leave my father out of this.” Aidan’s eyes closed to slits, and just as quickly her anger died away. “Berk, listen to reason. I need you with me on this. I don’t trust anyone else to do this right.”
“Is that what last night was about? Fuck good old, stupid Ber—” The slap snapped her head to the side.
“Try that with someone else, Commander, but with me you know better. I may love the Navy, but I’m not about to whore myself for it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Berkley snapped to attention and saluted. There was no need for a formal dismissal, and she wasn’t waiting for one.
“Damn, that went well.” Aidan sat and picked up Berkley’s file. Her hand still stung from the slap, but the real sting was to her heart. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy when she decided to make this trip, but the level of hostility Berkley displayed was not what she was expecting. All her life Aidan had excelled at everything she’d tried, and the only thing that had ever derailed her was Berkley and the swell of emotion she was capable of creating within her. “Only now it feels more like root canal work than anything remotely romantic.”
*
Berkley headed for the hangers and tried to slow her breathing to a rate resembling something normal. She hadn’t believed the promises from the night before, but having Aidan play her so blatantly was something she hadn’t expected either.
“Cletus, will you slow down, goddammit?” Will called after her when she ignored him the first three times.
“You could’ve shot her down before I even got here this morning, so what’s this shit about me leading this crap?”
He took off his cap and scratched his forehead. “That wasn’t my call, it was yours, and I guess you just made it.” She was so pissed that she didn’t respond. “You know every crew around here would trade their left nut for something like this, and it wasn’t going to come from me that you didn’t want to go. It makes me sound like I think you’re a little woman who needs a man thinking for her. Fuck, had I done that you know you’d have been the first one to put my ass in a vise.”
“If this were for anyone else, I might,” she put her finger up, “might consider it, but I will not fly for that woman under any circumstances. And if you want to ask me why, you aren’t going to like the answer, so I suggest you steer clear of that one.”
He put his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed. “Like I said, I told her that it was up to you and not to put the screws to you no matter how badly she wants this. I’d do that for any of my people, so it wasn’t charity for a kid I love like my own. Let me know if Captain Hard Ass in there gives you any more shit about this. She may outrank you, but no one’s going to be whistlin’ up my ass.”
“That’s what I love about you, sir. Your way with words.”
“Fuck off and get back to work.”
*
The methodic clicking sound of weights as Berkley lifted and lowered them in chest presses was helping her concentrate on something other than how her day was going. The room was empty except for another pilot jogging on a treadmill.
“It’s good to know you’re still somewhat predictable,” Aidan said in a soft voice, not wanting to be heard by anyone but Berkley.
“Which part of me?” Berkley sat up after placing the bar back and wiped her face. “The part that fell for what you were selling last night or the part that likes to exercise when I’m upset?”
“The first insult was enough, Cletus, you don’t have to belabor the point.” The bench next to Berkley’s let out a woof of air when Aidan dropped into it. “Can I invite you out to lunch just to talk?”
“There isn’t anything to talk about, Captain. You told me over and over again from almost the first moment we met that your life is made up of the choices you make. They define you, your honor and your code, and I eventually learned that nothing or no one will get in the way of that. We both made choices that have led us to this point, and in my mind they aren’t wrong. They might hurt like hell, but they weren’t wrong. I’m just asking you not to punish me for mine, and I’ll return the favor.” She threw the towel in the hamper and stood. Her gray shorts and T-shirt were damp with sweat.
“Just lunch, and we don’t have to talk at all. Don’t make me beg, please.”
“Meet me outside in twenty minutes and the
n you can get back to the job you’re here to do. Trying to change my mind is a waste of time, and I’m sure the Navy has you on a tight schedule for what needs to be done as far as your assignment goes.”
Aidan watched her head for the showers but stayed on the weight bench after she glanced behind her to see if the man was still there. He was still running at a good clip, not paying any attention to anything but his workout. “The future is what I want to talk about, Berk, and I need you present for that conversation.”
Chapter Six
The diner only had a few other customers scattered throughout the place since it was still early for lunch, but the hostess still seemed happy to see Berkley as she held the door open for Aidan. She gave them the most private table she had available after asking how Berkley had been.
“Come here often?” Aidan asked.
“I like the fries.”
“Still eat them with salty ketchup and a plain burger?”
“I do, but everyone in my family picked up some of my dad’s strange eating habits, so it’s not as unique as you think.” Berkley leaned back and smiled at the waitress who put down the two iced teas they’d ordered.
The bowl of peanuts on the table held Aidan’s interest. She didn’t want to look Berkley in the eye since she practically bristled from anger. “I never got to meet your family, so I’ll have to take your word for it. Maybe we could rectify that soon.”
“Why would you want to do that?” There was no sarcasm in Berkley’s voice—only a bit of curiosity. “Our lives are on different paths is why I’m asking.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Berkley slowly stirred her tea, her eyes on the open window beside them. “I used to think that it was.”
“The operative word being used to?”
“When someone is passionate about something and works hard to achieve it, I now see that as something to be admired, Captain. Your path and mine split, and while part of me is proud of you, the part you threw away so easily has been slow in catching up.”
“If that’s what you think, that it was easy, then I really did fuck up worse than I thought. It was anything but.” Aidan pressed back into her chair but kept her hands wrapped around her drink. “Thank you for being honest, though, and I guess this really is lunch.”
“What were you expecting here?”
“Nothing but silly hopes, but I see now there’s no forgiveness for the stupid.”
The waitress interrupted them to take their order, leaving Aidan’s statement hanging between them. She had sounded so bleak that Berkley quickly gave the girl her order ready to be rid of her.
“What happened wasn’t all your fault, Aidan. If I’d tried harder to change your mind, who knows where we’d be, but it’s different now. We had a great time, and it’s been great seeing you again, but last night is all there’s going to be between us.”
“Is it because of that one night in Hawaii?”
Berkley sighed before taking a sip of her drink. “Yes and no. A lot has happened to me in the time we were together and I can honestly say I’m not the same person. Eventually, my feelings will fade to something that doesn’t give me a massive headache when they cross my mind, but I haven’t made peace with the past that belonged to us. I know that and I can accept it’ll get better with time, but it isn’t your job to get me there.”
Aidan reached across the table and put her hand on Berkley’s forearm. “What about having someone in your life?”
“I don’t know how to answer that.” She pulled back wanting to distance herself from Aidan’s touch. “It doesn’t help that I picked a career that makes that possibility something to fear.”
“You’re a pilot. There are other choices.”
Berkley laughed but not out of humor. “You’re a sailor, so I could say the same of you.”
“You could and my answer would be to say you’re right. It all comes down to what you want and what’ll be most fulfilling.” Her hands went back to her glass. “Maybe when I make those choices, then I’ll have time to reflect on the mistakes I made when I got my priorities mixed up. Then maybe you’ll believe I’m serious.”
“That’s up to you. I just want to concentrate on getting you prepared as much as possible for what you have to do. That’s all you should have on your mind, and what I think or believe about it all isn’t important.” Berkley smiled up at the waitress as she put down their food.
“Like I said, Commander, there’s no forgiveness for the stupid. Not really anyway.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, at least that’s the impression you always gave me.”
Aiden didn’t respond, not wanting to start a fight that would land them back at square one. They ate and returned to the base. The rest of their afternoon started with another training flight, and Aidan again rode with Will so she could observe the team in action. At Will’s request some of their other past outstanding students who were close enough to Nevada flew in to join in on the fun. With the priority status the Pentagon had placed on Aidan’s mission, she had the right to transfer anyone she wanted to the Jefferson.
At the end of the day all the pilots landed again complaining since there was only one plane left in the sky. The better the talent pool in the sky, the more Berkley seemed to excel, but it made no difference in changing her mind.
*
“Are you free for dinner tonight?” Aidan asked when Berkley had changed out of her flight suit and returned to the office.
“I was going out to a local pizza place later, but you can join me if you want,” Berkley said, to Aidan’s surprise.
“I’d like that. Want me to pick you up?”
Berkley shook her head and picked up her bag. “I’ll swing by and get you. That way you can change. This place’s pretty causal.”
Forty minutes later Berkley stopped in front of the barracks Aidan had been assigned to where she was waiting outside talking to Will. “Stay away from the spicy sausage, Captain, and you won’t be up all night,” Will said. “Cletus, your buddies in the maintenance hangar asked that you stop by in the morning if you have the chance. They’re tearing down the engine on the old Russian MiG and they need some opinions.”
“Let them know I’ll be there early. Thanks for letting me know,” Berkley said and shook her head slightly when Will kept staring at the back of Aidan’s head and lifted his eyebrows as if asking if he needed to talk to her on Berkley’s behalf.
“Ready to go, Captain,” Berkley told Aidan.
“I’m not complaining that I have you all to myself for a little while anyway.” As they pulled away Aidan put her hand on Berkley’s knee and smiled when Berkley made no attempt to move it.
“At the threat of sounding like someone who doesn’t want to confuse you, I’m not complaining either. I may still be smarting over what happened between us, but it’s been nice seeing you again,” Berkley said as she turned into the pizza place. Aidan’s smile only widened when she told her to wait while she went in and ordered to go.
With dinner on the backseat, Berkley headed out of town and turned off on a dirt road. Less than a mile down the wooded road opened up to a small lake, and when she shut the engine off it was utterly quiet.
“This is one of the few places I’ve ever been that proves to me there’s a God.” Berkley leaned on the steering wheel and spoke softly. “Not even the cockpit is this peaceful and beautiful.”
“Thanks for sharing it with me.”
“I’ve used this place to try to put my life back in order a brick at a time, as it were. Before you ship off I thought you might need something like this to remember in the coming days. What they’re asking you to do, Aidan, could lead to something big if anything goes wrong. I wasn’t just telling you that to give you a hard time.”
“Are you trying to talk me out of it?”
Berkley laughed at the answer. “I’m not delusional. When it comes to you, if there’s a choice between something or someone and the Navy. The Navy wi
ll always win out.”
“The Navy has gotten the last sixteen years of my life if you count the Academy, and after this assignment they’ll get no more. I’m going to sail the Jefferson, get the job done, and retire.” The scenery held her attention as she spoke. “That’s why I came here to talk to you. I could’ve sent my second to select the flight crew, so thanks again for agreeing to have dinner with me.”
“Talk to me about what?” Berkley wrapped her fingers around Aidan’s wrist trying to get her to face her.
“You’re my greatest regret, Berk. When I left Hawaii, I kept trying to convince myself it was for the best.” She laughed as she shook her head. “I figured we were young and it would’ve never worked out, but damn if I can erase you from my mind. You’re imprinted in my heart.”
“Our lives are different now. We’re different people, and I don’t know how we reconcile our differences to plan a future together.” Berkley tightened her hold on Aidan’s wrist. “Are you sure you want to retire? The helm of the Jefferson was given to you. Does it really matter why? You should be asking yourself what can come of it instead of considering quitting. You’re spectacular at what you do, so don’t throw your career away on romantic notions.”
“Is that what we were together? A romantic notion?”
“We were great together, but like I said, that was then and we were two very different people.”
Without losing contact with Berkley, Aidan moved closer and pressed her lips against hers. Her kiss was readily accepted and when they parted she put her palm against Berkley’s cheek.
“Maybe I should use my time with you reminding you of that young naval aviator. That was then, but we’re still the same when it comes to our feelings. You just need some reminding. Lucky for you I’m nothing if not persistent in getting the things I want.”