It helped me accept that I had the right to be angry, it helped me accept that I’m a survivor. It made me stronger than I was. I set some goals and have completed some, but not all. They may take a lifetime to complete, as every survivor is different. It helped me build friendships with people who have similar experiences to me. Listening to other survivor’s stories, it showed me that I was never alone, that there are so many men and women who suffer rape every year.
It’s hard, learning how to deal with being raped, knowing that the man that raped me is still out there, I’m fucking scared, and now he’s toying with me. I haven’t seen him since that night, I pray to God I never do, but I know deep down in my heart I will see him again. I don’t know if I’m strong enough or ever will be to face him without completely breaking. Last night I dreamt of the attack.
~*~
I feel someone’s hand on my back, pushing me into the alleyway. I go to scream, but it gets muffled as a hand gets placed over my mouth. My heart starts racing, and I start trying to get away, I can smell tobacco, it’s really strong, I’m pulled against a hard body, and I know it’s a man, I can feel his erection against my back, bile rises and I have to swallow it down. I need to get away. I don’t get a chance to do anything as my body is pushed into the wall. My face is pressed up against it, I feel my face scrape against the wall. The stone of the wall against my belly is uneven and there’s a piece jutting into my stomach. It’s better than the alternative, having my back pushed against his erection. I’d rather scrape and hurt myself from this fucking wall than have that thing touch me again. I feel dirty. “It’s been a long time Winter. You’ve gotten even prettier. I’ve missed you.”
~*~
I woke up, and I found it hard to get back to sleep, some nights I only get snippets like last night, others, I replay everything. I haven’t had any calls yet, I know that he knows I’ve left Maui, I will have to tell Sophia about what was said since she knows I got the calls. She doesn’t know that he was listening to my other calls. I need someone to go and see if they’re any cameras or mics hidden in my house. I start making a list, I’ll call in and see Sophia once I’m finished meeting the realtor. My phone beeps and I can’t help the smile that comes on my face as I see who it’s from.
Sammy: Morning Sweets. Sleep well?
Me: Morning Sammy. I slept good, how about you?
I’m not lying, last night was only the snippets of the attack, it didn’t wake me, and I slept the whole night.
Sammy: I slept okay. What are you doing today?
Me: I’m meeting the realtor at 11, then hoping to see Sophia after. What time are you working?
Sammy: I’m working in 30 mins.
Me: You slept in huh?
Sammy: Nope, was up at 6 went for a run and had breakfast.
Me: You should have texted me earlier, I would have made you breakfast.
Sammy: Damn. Rain check?
Me: Sure. I’ll talk to you later, Sammy.
Sammy: Count on it Sweets.
I love that he calls me Sweets, I don’t know why he does it, it makes me feel wanted. That is something I never thought I would feel. I text Soph asking if she wants to meet for lunch.
Me: Hey Bitch, you working today?
Soph: Fuck yes, I need out of the house, I swear to fuck, I need girls in this house. They’re ganging up on me.
Me: Okay want to meet for lunch? I’ll be in the neighborhood.
Soph: Yes, we need to catch-up and lunch doesn’t cover it. We’re going to have a ladies’ night, but since we both don’t drink we can just have a night in and watch movies!
Me: Definitely. I need some Soph time, I’ve missed you.
Soph: Me too hon, I’ve missed you so much. I know it’s selfish, but fuck, am I glad you’re home.
Me: I’m glad too, I didn’t realize how much I missed New York. My appointment is at 11, hopefully, if things go well should be 12 by the time I’m finished, what time is your lunch at?
Soph: I’m intrigued; my lunch will be whenever I want lol.
Me: You’re such a bitch
Soph: Shut up ho.
Me: Okay Wankshaft
Soph: Love you hon, I got to run, see you later? x
Me: Sure, have fun xx
I leave the apartment and walk the seven blocks to the building. I’m five minutes early. The building is perfect it’s black and silver, which will work with any color you add, it will make any design pop. I’m getting way ahead of myself, it depends on the price of the building and if they have had much interest in it.
A silver car pulls up, and a man gets out.
“Winter Cortez?” Oh fuck, that’s me. I spoke to a woman this morning, and I presumed it was her that I was going to be meeting.
Just as my nerves start to get the best of me, I hear a voice I know that has joined the conversation. “Sorry I’m late, my appointment ran over. Thanks for waiting.” My head swings to the newcomer, what is Sammy doing?
“You’re fine sir. I’m Terrance, I’m sorry that Karen couldn’t come, she had an emergency, but she didn’t want to leave you hanging so she sent me.” He’s smiling at Sammy.
“I’m Samuel Mitchell, and this is Winter Cortez. It’s great of you to step in on such short notice.” I’m so confused, I don’t understand why Sammy’s here.
“Okay if you two are ready, I’ll show you around.” We both nod, he walks off ahead of us, and I face Sammy.
“What’s going on Sammy?” he glances at Terrance and back to me.
“I was standing outside Smithy International and saw you outside the building, you had a massive smile on your face. I was walking over to say hi, and then Terrance pulled up, and I saw your face, your smile dropped, I heard him say your name and watched you freeze. I’m sorry I can leave if you want me too.” I don’t. He’s right I did freeze.
“No come on you can go with me. If you have the time.” I hate that I’m needy, I’m not needy in the way some girls are, where they have to be the center of attention. I’m needy as in I need someone I know to be in the same room as a man I don’t.
“No Sweets, I have nowhere else I need to be, I have time. Come on let’s go and see the place.” He has a big smile on his face. I look at the door and see Terrance waiting for us, we follow him in.
We walk in, and it takes my breath away, it looks perfect, the reception area is laid out perfectly, there’s a half circular desk in the middle of the floor, it’s black and silver. Three doors are leading off the reception area. It’s empty except for the desk. I can see this working.
Sammy is looking around as well, but I don’t think it’s the same reason I am. I see Terrance checking out Sammy’s ass, I can’t fault the man, he has good taste. Sammy’s ass is amazing. He’s wearing dark jeans, and it makes his ass look tight. Terrance looks up and notices me watching, he starts blushing.
He shows me the three offices in the building, they’re all very spacious. I love this building, and now it’s down to the price. I hope I can afford it. I’m in the main office, imagining what it would be like, as Terrance answered a phone call and left us alone. Sammy comes up to me, he stands really close to my side.
“So what do you think?” I look at him, smiling must be contagious because we both haven’t stopped since we walked in the building.
“I really love it. I’m worried about the price.” He nods in understanding, it really is a great place, but I’m having doubts. The price is a major factor in whether or not I go for it.
“Have you finished looking around?” Terrance scares the ever loving shit out of me. I was so engrossed in looking at Sammy, that I didn’t hear him walk in behind me. I jumped and let out a squeaking sound, my heart is pumping, and my breathing is labored. Sammy places his hand on my shoulder, but I jump back. He moves so I’m behind him.
“Yeah, were finished, it’s a great place you have, but were not 100% sure. What is the rent on this place?” Sammy asks, he is still glancing at me every few seconds, I’m st
ill scared. My breathing isn’t slowing down. I squeeze my fists together and feel that my palms are clammy.
“It's $1650 a month, including utilities.” I have to work things out financially to see if I could afford it, it’s cheaper than I thought it would be. I’m trying to slow my breathing it’s slowly coming down but not fast enough.
“Come on Sweets, it’s time to go.” I nod and follow him, he must have spoken to Terrance, as we reach the door Sammy stands to the side and lets me go ahead of him. I make it outside and take a big deep breath of fresh air. It helps. I don’t know how long I’m standing there with my arms crossed over my stomach just inhaling deep breaths of air.
I look up and notice Sammy is watching me, and Terrance and his car are gone. Sammy looks upset, I feel bad. I knew going into this was going to be hard, I knew I had a lot of emotional baggage. Sammy has only seen a tiny fraction of that today.
“Feeling better now?” I just nod, I don’t trust myself to speak.
“Come on we’ll go to Smithy’s, and you can see Soph and get a glass of water. I told Terrance you’d be in touch when you have an idea about the finances and everything.” That was sweet of him, I nod since I still can’t speak. I will my feet to move again and go to Smithy’s. I know were moving, but I’m not in the moment. I’m struggling to breathe once again, and I’m sweating. Once we’re in the building Sammy leads me to Sophia’s office, she takes one look at me and sits me down on the couch.
I can hear her and Sammy talking, my breathing starts getting labored again. I thought I had the attack under control. I feel Soph near me, then her hand on my head and push my head between my legs.
“Breathe Wints. In and out like this.” She takes a deep breath and releases it. I copy her, and after a few minutes I start to breathe normally. I’m so sweaty that my hair is wet from it.
“That’s it hon, you’re okay now.” I lift my head and see Soph has tears in her eyes, she sits next to me on the couch and I lean my head against her shoulder.
“What happened hon?” she asks quietly
“I let my guard down, I was talking to Sammy, and I didn’t know anyone was behind me, he spoke and scared me, all of a sudden I was back in that alley. Soph, I was so scared. I thought he was going to hurt me again. I know it wasn’t really him. But I can’t stop my mind thinking it is, I figured I was going to be raped again, I can’t go through that again Soph. I won’t survive it again.”
I hear a sharp intake of breath and watch Sammy leave the room. I hear a door slam and a loud noise that makes me jump. I look at Soph with tears in my eyes.
“I’ve lost him now haven’t I?” I’m crying now, and she starts as well, she gets up and locks the door and comes back to me and holds me. We're both crying now.
After our crying jag, I look at Sophia, and I thank God that she walked into my Kindergarten class. Nobody had spoken to me since I started and I was too nervous to talk to anyone, then Sophia came in and walked straight over to Maddie and then they both came over to me.
“I finally found someone I liked and now I know my baggage is going to be too much for anyone to handle. At least I tried.” I say with a shaky smile, of course, Soph sees straight through the bullshit.
“Cut the crap, any man would be lucky to have you. If Sam can’t handle that, then he isn’t the man I thought he was. Listen to me hon, you have overcome so much, I’m so proud of you. Don’t let this be a setback to your healing.” She’s right, I need to accept that he’s not interested in me and move forward, I should be proud that I got close to a man.
“Come on, let’s go eat,” Soph says, and I give her a small smile and get up, and we walk towards the door. As soon as Soph opens the door, Sammy is standing on the other side looking crushed.
“Sweets, can we talk?” I can’t handle the rejection.
“Not right now Sam, we’re just going to lunch.” His eyes widen at me calling him Sam. I need to start distancing myself from him. The rejection will be bad enough but knowing that he won’t be my Sammy will hurt more than anything. I finally found someone I was comfortable around.
We go to a little cafe, the next block over and order water and a sandwich, Soph keeps staring at me and it’s making me paranoid. “Soph, why are you staring at me?” It’s actually creepy, and if I didn’t know her, I’d run away.
She blinks like she didn’t realize I could see her and then smiles. “I have to keep looking at you because I’m so happy you’re home, and you look amazing.” I look down and see I’m wearing a black dress that goes to my knees, my black blazer and I’m wearing my flats. I look normal, I didn’t put any makeup on.
“I don’t mean your clothes, I mean you, you look lighter than before.” She says and I understand what she means. She has a big smile now, and it lights up her whole face.
I agree, I am lighter than I was before. “I’ve let go of the anger at the world, it is such a relief. My anger is solely at my attacker. I have goals set out that I want to achieve, and I wrote down ten, I have put stars beside four that I have managed. I will reach these at some stage, but I need to do them when I am stronger.” I smile at her.
“Will you tell me your goals?” Soph asks, and I instantly go to my handbag where my list is, I keep it with me at all times. I look at this piece of paper and see so many un-starred lines that it makes me feel sad.
“I wrote this the weekend of the SPA retreat in Maui, we all had to do one, I wanted something that when I accomplished it, I would be proud.” She nods and I hand over the piece of paper I have stared at every day for two years.
Smile and mean it. *
Laugh and enjoy the moment. *
Not to use alcohol as a crutch. *
Be able to go a day without having a panic attack. *
Tell my best friend what happened.
Let a man I’m intimate with touch me without flinching and without being asked if it’s okay.
Be able to tell my story to others.
Sleep through the night without having a flashback.
Have sex without being drunk.
Face my rapist.
Once Completed I will do Operation Freefall. Once I do all those I can be free.
When Soph looks up from the paper, she has tears in her eyes. I didn’t want that to happen, I don’t want her to be sad.
“Please don’t be upset, these goals are the ultimate way for me to move on, knowing I’ve done every single thing on that list, well that means I was strong enough to confront the man who changed my life.” She’s silently crying with tears streaming down her face.
“I’m so fucking proud of you. There are no words for me to describe how proud I truly am. These goals, hon I want you to succeed, I want you to tick off every single item. What is Operation Freefall?” She picks up the napkin and wipes her eyes.
“Operation Freefall, it’s an amazing thing SOAR organizes, at dozens of skydive facilities across the country, men and women will take to the sky and jump it’s the boldest, highest-altitude, and most daring event organized to put an end to sexual assault. I want to do it, and I honestly feel that once I have crossed off everything on my list I will truly be able to take part.” She’s finally stopped crying; she has a smile on her face now.
“I think that it’s pretty fucking epic, I’ll do it with you, and we will rope in Skye and the guys. It will be awesome.” This is why I love her; she’ll jump out of an airplane for me and recruit everyone she knows as well.
“Okay, now hon what are you going to do about Sam?” This is something I don’t really want to talk about. “Come on Wints, you need to tell me what you’re thinking, we made this promise when you moved to Maui, no bottling up your emotions.” She’s right, after the weekend of full on no contact with Soph and her going crazy wondering if I was okay, we made a pact, no bottling up our emotions, we’re both as bad as each other at doing it.
“I know. I don’t know Soph, I really thought he was into me you know. I thought after the day we had yesterday
things were going good, I completely forgot he was in the room when I told you I thought I was back in that alley. But for him to walk out, it shattered all my hopes. I don’t know what else you want me to say, Soph. I had a tiny dream that Sam could have been the man to deal with me and my emotional baggage, but I found out he isn’t, I’m glad I found out today instead of two months down the line when my heart was invested.” I’m a damn liar; my heart had already started getting invested.
“Geez, Wints, since when did you start lying to me? You had your heart invested since that douche called you Sweets, don’t deny it, I know you.” Fuck it, she’s right, I swoon at him calling me Sweets.
“Fine, my heart’s been invested since the beginning. Happy now?” She nods looking smug. I look at my watch and realize we’ve been here for two hours just talking.
“Umm, Soph hon, what time were you meant to be back at?” She looks at her phone and has a crazed look on her face.
“Shit! How the hell did that happen, I’ve got to run hon, I have a meeting in thirty minutes!” She is panicking.
“Go honestly. I’m going to go home, have a shower, look over my finances and read. Text me tonight, and we will sort out a girl’s night in.” She nods, throws money on the table and kisses my cheek.
“Will do, I’ll talk to you later hon.” Then she’s gone. I stand and put my blazer on and pick up my handbag then leave the café and start walking home.
*****
As I walk into the lobby of the apartment building, Alfred stops me.
“Miss Cortez, you have a bouquet of flowers here, they were delivered about thirty minutes ago.” I love Alfred he’s in his late sixties and reminds me of Batman’s butler, not just because of his name, but because of his gray locks and his kindness. I take the bouquet from him.
“Thank you, Alfred.” He smiles at me; the man is lovely. He always holds the door for me when I’m coming in and always greets me with a smile.
Deadly Obsession (Deadly Series Book 2) Page 5