by Sykes, Julia
I found myself nodding my acquiescence automatically. “Yes, Master.”
I shook my head sharply, struggling to shake off his intoxicating power. “I mean no.” My protest was laughably weak. I cleared my throat and tried again. “If you refuse to leave Chicago and insist on staying with me, then you’re going to stay with me in the safe house.”
He growled in disapproval at my demand, and he moved to press his lips against mine again, to further drug me with his kiss. I wrenched my head to the side, desperate to keep my wits about me.
“Please, listen to me. I know you’re not afraid of him, but you can’t stop a bullet. I can’t let him take you from me. He already… He already took Tuck. Please don’t go after him, Master.”
The shadows that were retreating in the wake of the sunlight pooled beneath the suddenly taut lines of his face as he pulled away from me.
“I’m not your Master, Lydia,” he said, his efforts at a cool tone ruined by the jagged edge to his words. “What I did was wrong. What I’m doing now is wrong. Fuck,” he muttered. “All I wanted was to help you, to keep you safe. But I kept you from your life. I kept you from your husband.” His lips twisted bitterly.
I touched my hand to his forearm. His muscles were tense beneath my fingers.
“You did nothing wrong,” I insisted softly.
Self-loathing bled into his features. “The fact that you think that just proves how thoroughly I fucked things up. I knew how vulnerable you were, and instead of helping you find yourself again, I kept you in your slave mindset. I didn’t want that for you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I did it. It doesn’t change the fact that I took advantage of you.”
“You’re wrong,” I said firmly. “I’ve thought about this a lot. I won’t deny that my mind was warped when you found me. I won’t deny that I was obsessed with you from the very beginning, when you showed me kindness. I had forgotten kindness existed. What you did for me – providing me with rules and structure – was a kindness. I wasn’t even a person then, much less Lydia Chase. I couldn’t face how far I had fallen, how I had been degraded. If she had been thrust back on me all at once, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I might have rejected her forever. You made me feel safe enough that I slowly re-discovered myself without even realizing it.”
The yearning that stirred in his eyes communicated that he was desperate to believe me, but it didn’t fully drive away the anguish that flooded their silvery depths.
“I’m glad to hear that, Lydia. That’s what I wanted, what I had hoped to do for you. But I took things too far. I fell into the illusion I had created for you. You were so sweet, so trusting. And when you said you needed me… Fuck, Lydia. The Dom in me couldn’t help but respond to that.”
“I did need you.”
He shook his head, his shoulders slumping slightly. “You thought you did because of the roles I allowed us to slip into. If I hadn’t allowed you to see me as your Master, you wouldn’t have felt the need to interact with me sexually. That’s all you knew then. You had been abused into thinking that the only way you could demonstrate your submission was by giving your body. I should have controlled myself. Hell, I shouldn’t have let things get that far. As soon as I found out about Chicago, as soon as I learned your name, I should have gone to the Bureau and tracked down your family.”
“But I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t ready to face my old life then. You just honored my wishes. You respected what I needed.”
“No, Lydia,” he said harshly. “I didn’t want to let you go. Don’t make excuses for what I did. I’ve played them through my own head thousands of times. I’m sick to death of them. Because none of them justify what I allowed to happen between us. None of them justify my selfish decision to keep you.”
“I don’t regret what happened between us, Smith,” I said quietly. “Please don’t say that you do.”
His brows drew together, and he shifted uncomfortably. “Lydia, I…”
“Don’t say it.” This time it was a desperate demand. “You swore you wouldn’t lie to me. So don’t you dare say you regret it.”
He pursed his lips together, choosing to say nothing rather than admit aloud that he wouldn’t go back and change what he had done if he could.
“I wouldn’t have healed at all if it weren’t for you,” I continued in the wake of his silence. “Everything I told you that day was true: that Bastard chose me because I liked pain. I had only just begun exploring BDSM when he abducted me. He took everything I had secretly desired for so long and twisted it until it became something foul and wrong.”
Fury flashed across Smith’s features at the mention of the man who had tortured me. Bolstered by his response, I pressed on. The Dom in him hadn’t been able to resist my plea for help on that day, hadn’t been able to resist rectifying the wrongs that had been perpetrated against me. Appealing to that side of him would be the key to forcing him to understand just how much he had done for me.
“You helped me reclaim those desires. Without you, I never would have been able to allow a man to touch me like that ever again. That Bastard would have kept that part of me forever. You helped me take it back from him.”
I paused for a beat before making my next admission. I wasn’t sure if he would approve of my enduring dependence on him. But he had to know just how much he had done for me, how he had returned my sanity to me.
“Being with you that day… You did more than return my sexuality to me. I begged you as my Master to touch me, and you respected my wishes. I didn’t ask for that out of a desire to please you; it was what I wanted. You held me as a woman who desired to be touched, not as a slave you used to sate yourself.” My lips quirked up in a wry smile. “You gave me a dozen orgasms, for god’s sake. And you only had one. I can’t imagine anything more unselfish.”
He let out a low growl. “This isn’t something to joke about. This is serious, Lydia.”
“I’m being completely serious,” I said evenly. “I was more empowered that day than I had been since I was taken. Possibly more so than I had been in my entire life. You showed me that my body, my desires, aren’t something to be ashamed of. That they’re something beautiful. You made me feel beautiful.”
My gaze was drawn to the scars around my wrists.
“He made me feel disgusting, like something that was less than human. Like something that wasn’t worthy of humanity.”
Smith placed his fingers beneath my chin, lifting my face to his. I didn’t even realize I was crying until he wiped the warm tears from my cheeks. His touch was tender, but ire swirled in his eyes.
“You are beautiful, sweetheart. In every way a person can be beautiful. Why do you think I lost all control when it came to you? My mind rationalized my actions because I couldn’t help myself. You’re right: I don’t regret what happened. I wanted you then, and I still want you now.”
“Then take me,” I whispered. “Please, Master. Please, Smith.”
He groaned softly. “I can’t, Lydia. You have to be free of me. You’ll never recover if I don’t let you go.”
“I’ll never be free of you,” I declared fiercely. “Because I don’t want to be. This is my choice, Smith. I’m choosing you. You can choose not to accept me, but that won’t change the way I feel. I wouldn’t be sane right now if it weren’t for you. The whole time I was going through therapy, when I was… When I was re-living what was done to me. Whenever everything became too much and I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, the thought of you kept me going. Thinking of you made me feel safe. I could put my fear aside because I trusted you to keep me safe. I do trust you, Smith,” I amended.
“How can you possibly trust me?” He asked, his expression torn between wonder and longing. “I kept you from your life. I kept you from your family. From your husband. If I had known -”
“Don’t, Smith,” I said softly. The mention of Tucker made my heart squeeze painfully. A part of me felt wrong discussing our divorce with Smith in an effort to wi
n his affections, but I had to convince Smith to stay with me. If he went out to hunt that Bastard, he would end up dead, too. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t survive that.
“I loved -” I choked on the past tense. “I will always love Tucker. But our marriage was over a long time before I was abducted. We had just agreed to divorce when…” I shied away from the torturous memory of his terrified eyes. “I was coming back to you, Smith. Would you… Would you have taken me back?”
“I don’t know, Lydia. I don’t know what’s right anymore.” He sounded exhausted.
I touched my fingers to his cheek, calling his full attention to me.
“I don’t care what’s right. I just know what I want. I’ve worried what other people think my whole adult life. I’ve allowed my concern for their reactions to my choices to rule my actions. I have my life back now, Smith. And I’m not wasting a single day of it. I’m living for me now. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”
His lips parted slightly, and I was amazed to recognize awe, reverence, in his expression.
“You are the strongest woman I’ve ever known, Lydia.”
I gave him a small, slightly embarrassed smile; I didn’t know how to deal with such an overwhelming compliment.
“I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for you,” I insisted softly. “I need you, Smith. I need you, Master. Please.”
“Fuck,” he breathed.
Then his fist tangled in my hair, tugging sharply so that my head dropped back, offering my lips up for his use. His silver eyes burned down into mine.
“Are you still prepared to go to hell with me, Lydia?” He asked roughly.
“Of course, Master,” I promised huskily. “So long as you take me to heaven and back first.”
He shot me a wicked grin. “Sweetheart, I can promise you’re not coming back down to earth for a long time.” His hot breath played across my lips as he brought his mouth teasingly close to mine. “I can do this all fucking day.”
It was a promise he had made before. One he had never gotten to keep.
I arched up into him, my lips straining to touch his. His grip on my hair kept me firmly in place, and his darkly amused chuckle danced across my skin as he denied me.
“That’s not how this works, girl. If you want me to be your Master, then you have to play by my rules.”
I moaned as his words sent my pulse racing. It pumped through my body in double time and made my core throb.
“I’m sorry, Master. I’ll be good.”
This time, there was no trace of fear behind the promise, only pure, unrestrained lust. This was what I had craved for so long, what I had been so cruelly denied when I was ripped from Master’s presence.
His fingertips traced the line of my lips.
“I know you will be,” he said cockily. “Now. You’re going to be very quiet, girl. We aren’t the only ones in this apartment. And while I usually wouldn’t mind making you scream for everyone to hear, this isn’t the time or place for that.”
Before I could whisper my compliance, he pressed two fingers through my parted lips. The tactile sensation of his rough fingertips brushing across my tongue elicited a groan from deep within me.
“I thought I told you to be quiet,” he remarked. His fingers penetrated further, touching the back of my throat. He stared down at me censoriously as he maintained the uncomfortable pressure, trapping me in place with his hold on my hair. It took all of my concentration to relax my muscles, so much concentration that I could hardly remember to breathe. His message was clear: he could control me with very little effort. I could comply with his orders willingly, or he would find a different way to get what he wanted.
My nipples and clit hardened in response, but I held in my desperate whimper. I went completely limp in his hold, silently demonstrating my total submission to his will.
“Good girl,” he whispered in my ear. His fingers retreated to brush over my tongue once again. I closed my lips around them, sucking them as I would his cock. He pumped in and out as he pressed me back down into the mattress, settling his body over mine.
His hand left my hair to find the hem of my camisole. Slowly, he worked the cottony material up my body as his hand glided across my bare skin, teasing over my abdomen before sweeping up between my breasts. My back arched when the air hit my tightened nipples, but his palm pressed me back down firmly. At the same time, his fingers pressed deeper into my mouth, a silent warning for my compliance. He didn’t withdraw until I managed to relax completely beneath him once again.
He rewarded me by pinching and pulling at my nipples while grazing his teeth across my neck. I wanted so badly to lean into his touch, to cry out my pleasure. It was even more difficult to resist the urge to grind my hips up against his rock hard cock in an effort to alleviate the painful pulsing of my clit. The power-play was a torturous pleasure of its own, adding another dimension to the eroticism of his touch while further tormenting me by heightening my aching need.
In my motionless silence, my entire world became focused on him: the feel of his teeth teasing my flesh; the slightly salty taste of his fingers; the intoxicating smell that was uniquely his.
He abandoned my breasts, and I resolutely swallowed my cry of protest. Mercifully, his touch moved to the upper edge of my sweatpants. His fingers left my mouth so that both of his hands were fisted in the material. Hooking his thumbs into my panties, he jerked them down my thighs along with my sweats. The sudden exposure made me whimper in a mix of delight and thrilling fear.
I realized my mistake half a second too late.
His grin was downright evil, as though he had been waiting for me to slip up and was pleased at the opportunity to further discipline me.
His palm abruptly clamped down over my mouth, and he pinched my clit hard. My eyes flew wide as a shocked scream tore its way up my throat, mercifully muffled by his grip on my face.
He tutted at me for my second show of disobedience, knowing full well that it would have been impossible for me to hold back my cry.
I glared at him.
My Master was a bastard. A cruel, evil, manipulative –
I gasped when he abruptly drove two fingers into me. They found the sweet spot at the front of my inner walls and stroked against it.
My brow furrowed, and I looked down at him in confusion. He was rewarding me when I had disobeyed him?
I didn’t trust the glint in his eyes, but I could no longer summon up the will to wonder what it meant or why he was giving me pleasure. All I knew was there was a storm gathering deep within me, and I was desperate for the lighting to strike. The electricity crackled inside me, setting the fine hairs at the back of my neck on end as my flesh tingled. My thighs trembled in anticipation. Almost there. Almost.
His fingers withdrew from me abruptly.
My whine of protest was smothered by his palm.
His smile was twisted. He was taking immense pleasure in toying with me. If his grin hadn’t been enough to communicate that, his hard cock certainly was. It jerked against my thigh, separated from me only by the thin fabric of his trousers.
In a burst of defiance, I reached for his zipper. The element of surprise gave me enough time to snake my hand into his boxers before his fingers found my clit again. This time the pain of his pinch was made even worse by my increased sensitivity. But after his cruel denial, it also brought a spike of pleasure that sent me hurtling over the edge. Even as I screamed out my orgasm against his hand, his voice penetrated my mind from where he whispered at my ear.
“You have a lot to learn, girl,” he told me roughly. “And I can promise I will thoroughly enjoy teaching you.”
His fingers left my clit to grip his cock, drawing it out fully so he could drive into me. His flesh entered mine with beautiful ruthlessness, stretching and filling me. His harsh thrusts punished me for each sharp cry that escaped me, even as the shocking pleasure of him moving roughly inside me elicited more.
He reached between us to pinch my n
ipples in further reprimand for my disobedience. All of his efforts to correct my behavior only made me helpless to prevent my own defiance of his command. If it weren’t for his firm hold on my mouth, my delighted screams would have echoed throughout the room.
The lustful light in his dancing eyes let me know that was his exact intention. He controlled me completely, even in my disobedience. He took possession of my defiance, harnessing it and using it as a weapon against me, fashioning it into a toy he could play with.
With that realization, I gave him everything: my body, my will, my soul.
He would have settled for nothing less. I had demanded that he be my Master, and he was showing me exactly what that meant.
The complete release brought on by my acknowledgement of his mastery of my entire being sent me soaring. My cry of pleasure was magnified for the space of a moment when he removed his hand from me, only to replace it with his lips. His groan and my scream mingled in our mouths, an echo of our inextricable joining in our shared ecstasy.
Heat lashed into me as he spent himself deep inside me, marking his possession. The sensation only heightened my pleasure as I reveled in his ownership.
Master couldn’t leave me now; he was mine just as much as I was his.
Chapter 23
Master shifted his weight off me, pulling me with him as he rolled onto his side. He kept one arm locked around my back, his other hand brushing my hair off my sweat-dampened brow. I hated the clothing that still separated our skin, but my muscles were too watery to do anything about it. Besides, I didn’t mind that Master hadn’t wasted the time to undress before taking me.
Concern suddenly clouded his eyes. “Fuck. I didn’t use a condom. Are you -”
“It’s okay,” I assured him quickly, before his worry could ruin the perfect moment. “I was tested after… I’m clean. And I’m on the shot.”
I flinched at the thought of when I had received the shot. It hadn’t been my choice.
Master pressed his lips to the top of my head. “I’m sorry, little one. I didn’t mean to upset you.”