by Sarah Price
Oh, she knew of Amish people in her community who went on cruises. Some of them even brought back photographs or picture postcards of the ocean. But that was nothing compared to actually standing on the shore and looking out, as far as the eye could see, along the water-filled horizon. It was even different to simply stand at the water’s edge, feeling it against her feet, than when they had visited the islands on his yacht.
She jumped when she felt his arms around her.
“Alejandro!” she gasped, half laughing and half from fright. “You scared me!”
“I did, sí?” He pulled her close to him, the water rushing around them as they stood in the surf. “You have nothing to be scared about, Princesa,” he whispered as he pressed his chin against her shoulder. Softly, he began to hum into her ear, a gentle version of one of his songs.
Amanda shut her eyes and leaned against him, loving the powerful feeling of both the water and his embrace. Safe and protected from harm, she relaxed against the gentle pulling of the tide and listened to his humming.
After a few minutes, he released her and turned her around so that she was facing him. She caught her breath when she realized that he was soaking wet, up to his waist. “Oh help!”
He laughed. “It’s only water, no?”
“You’re drenched!”
“So are you!”
Smiling, she looked back at the horizon. “It’s worth it,” she said. “Danke, Alejandro.”
“For . . .?”
“For everything.”
Not caring that people were gathered on the shoreline, watching the interaction of the couple standing in the water, she let him bend down and brush his lips against hers. The touch of his kiss sent a shiver down her spine and she clung to him, not caring that she was beginning to shiver from the cold water. As long as she was with him, she was warm, both inside and out.
“Stay with me, Amanda,” he breathed into her ear. “Don’t go back.”
His words tugged at her heart. How she hated the thought of leaving him, but she knew that she had to get back to Lancaster. It wasn’t fair to put so much pressure on Anna when she was about to return to Ohio with her husband. Besides, Amanda had promised to come home to visit with her and she had already broken that promise once. To do it again would not sit well with her family and with her own conscience.
“You know that I can’t,” she said, the regret more than evident in her voice. “It’s not fair that you ask me that, Alejandro.”
“Fair?” He didn’t seem to appreciate the use of that word. The way that his facial expression changed made that obvious to her. “You are my wife, no?”
“Alejandro . . .” She didn’t want to end their time together on a sour note. Everything had been so wonderful over the past week. And it wasn’t as though she wanted to leave him; it was that she had to do so. “Please don’t make this harder for me than it has to be.”
The water was getting cold; silently, they walked back to the shoreline. The warm air did little to help take the chill from their bones, so Alejandro bent down to pick up their shoes and gestured toward the car.
It wasn’t until they had returned to the condominium that he brought up the subject one last time. She was changing her clothes into something dry and warm, too aware that he was not. Instead, he leaned against the doorframe, watching her with his arms crossed over his chest.
“When will we see each other again?” he finally asked, breaking the silence.
His question didn’t surprise her for she had been wondering the same thing. Unfortunately, she realized that neither had an answer. “I need to help my parents . . .”
He held up his hand. “I keep hearing you say that, Amanda,” he said, with a sharpness in his tone that caught her off guard. “I have hired a man to help with the farmwork and a nurse to help with your father. What else do you need to do?”
She took a deep breath. How could she explain this to him? The last thing that she wanted was to upset him, and she could see that he was unhappy with her. Feeling torn in two directions, she didn’t know how to respond. She sat down on the edge of the bed, fighting the urge to cry, but the tears were forcing their way to the surface. “Please, Alejandro,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”
He didn’t seem moved by her emotions. “Do what, Amanda? Miss you? Want you with me?”
“You are forcing me to make a choice,” she managed to say. “I don’t want to have to do that.”
“What is this ‘choice’?” he asked, a stunned expression on his face. “Is it choosing between your Amish roots or your husband? I hate to remind you, but you already made that choice, mi amor.”
She wiped at her eye just in time to catch the first tear. “You will be traveling to all of those cities. You will have all of those interviews and meetings and people. Let me return to Lancaster and visit my sister. Let me have some time to figure out what is best for my mamm and daed. Please,” she implored.
Her tears finally touched him and he sighed, giving into her by walking to the bed and kneeling before her. “Hey, Amanda,” he said softly. “No crying.”
“I don’t want you angry with me,” she whispered, embarrassed for not having been able to control her sorrow at his reaction.
He reached up and wiped away a tear. “I’m not angry,” he explained quietly. “I’m just missing you so much already that my heart breaks to think that we will be apart.” He tried to smile. “And we don’t know for how long. That makes it worse, no?”
She nodded her head and pressed her cheek against his hand. She wanted to tell him that it was hard for her to leave him, too. But expressing her emotions and feelings was not something she was used to doing.
Chapter Seventeen
Just landed at airport.
So cold here.
Smells like snow.
Missing you already.
<3
A.
When the car service returned her to her parents’ farm on Tuesday evening, Amanda sighed, hesitating long enough to collect her thoughts, before she opened the door to get out. It had been a long flight and the first one that she had taken alone. It didn’t matter that Alejandro had arranged for her to fly first-class or that security had escorted her both to and from the plane. People had recognized her, small mobs had formed, and security had to intervene.
Arriving at the Philadelphia airport, her presence was immediately known and the speculation that she was returning to her parents’ farm in Lancaster created a virtual whirlwind of movement in cyberspace. By the time that she had arrived at the farm, there were already photographers positioned at the end of the driveway, eager for a picture of Amanda leaving Alejandro and returning to her Amish roots.
On the plane, she had picked up a few of the magazines that Dali had packed for her in her carry-on bag. Many of the magazines were written in Spanish, so Amanda merely flipped through the pages, looking at the photos. Whenever she had found a photo of Alejandro, she found herself catching her breath and pausing. It continued to amaze her how much the media followed him.
But it had been the two English magazines that had caught most of her attention. Dali had made certain to leave a pink sticky note inside both of those magazines so that Amanda had not needed to search for the articles. Instead, she had been able to open right up to the section to see what Dali, or Alejandro, she imagined, wanted her to read.
Photos of Alejandro alone. Photos of Alejandro with Amanda. Photos of Alejandro performing. Study the photos, Dali had told her. Learn what works and what doesn’t work. Take the time to practice at home, in front of the mirror. Dali’s words had echoed in her mind and she had tried to do just that: practice facing a mirror.
It had felt strange to lock herself in the bathroom and spend time staring in the mirror. Her reflection was something she tried to avoid. Her entire life had been spent without looking in mirrors, without studying her expressions or how she looked. Still, if Alejandro had hired Dali to help Amanda with her image and presence t
o the media as well as with her scheduling, she knew that she would listen.
Now, when she emerged from the car and realized that photographers were taking her picture, she held her head high and ignored them. Still, she remembered to keep her sunglasses on, a trick that Alejandro had taught her so that people could not see her eyes. Seeing the eyes, he had explained, means they can read your thoughts and your emotions. When in doubt, hide them.
The door to the house opened and a figure dressed in a green dress with a black shawl tossed over her shoulders rushed outside and toward her: Anna. Not caring about how she looked to the photographers, Amanda squealed and ran toward her sister. It had been months since they had seen each other. Now, they were greeting each other as married women, each with new lives that were unfolding before them.
Embracing Anna, Amanda couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling of her sister in her arms. They had grown up together, shared many secrets, and weathered many storms. Until the moment that Anna had rushed out the door to greet her, Amanda had not realized how much she had missed her sister.
“Oh, Anna!” Amanda gushed, pulling back to stare at her. She looked the same with her rosy cheeks and bright smile. The only major difference was the style of her prayer kapp, which, unlike the heart-shaped kapps from Lancaster, was far more stern looking in the way that it clung to her head. “How gut it is to see you!”
Her sister’s eyes sparkled. “And you, too, schwester! It’s been far too long now, ja? Six months?”
Clearing his throat, the driver interrupted the reunion. “Shall I take your bags to the porch, ma’am?”
Amanda glanced over her shoulder and nodded. “Ja, please,” she affirmed, too aware that her voice had easily picked up the Pennsylvania Dutch way of speaking in a singsongy manner. As she looked at him, she noticed the photographers snapping pictures once again. Returning her attention to her sister, she motioned toward the house. “Best get inside, ja?”
Her sister’s eyes flickered over Amanda’s shoulders, and she caught her breath. “Oh help,” Anna muttered, a dark cloud passing over her eyes. “I heard about those people.”
They hurried into the house, Amanda pausing to politely thank the driver, who merely nodded his head and retreated to his car, eager to return to Philadelphia.
The past week seemed to have flown by, but nothing had changed at the Beiler farm. Daed sat in his wheelchair, a blanket tucked around his lap and his head tilted, just ever so slightly, toward one side. The left side of his face seemed to droop, but his eyes lit up when Amanda walked into the kitchen. Lizzie was setting the table and greeted Amanda with a pleasant “hullo” and not much more.
And then there was Jonas. He stood up from the sofa where he had been reading the Budget and crossed the room to greet his new sister-in-law with a firm handshake. He was tall and thin with straight hair cut in the traditional Amish style. He wore glasses that rested on the tip of his nose, but his eyes seemed to peer over the top as he studied his fraa’s younger sister.
“So, Amanda,” he said, the lilt and accent of his voice different from that of the Lancaster Amish. “Heard a lot about you.”
Feeling shy in front of this stranger that was now a part of her family, Amanda merely nodded and glanced at Anna. She didn’t know how to respond. He was Amish, through and through. Plain and simple with a friendly face and a kind voice. It dawned on her that, one day, Jonas and Anna would meet Alejandro. How very different they were, just in appearance, never mind lifestyle.
“It’s right gut to meet you,” she managed to finally say.
She moved over to greet her mamm before turning to her daed. She tried to force a smile and knelt by his side. “How you feeling there, Daed?”
He mumbled an answer, the words slurred and barely recognizable. She thought she heard him say something about being glad that she was back. She glanced up at her mamm, questioning her with her eyes. His speech had not improved since she had left but had, in fact, gotten worse. She wondered why but knew better than to ask such a question in front of her daed.
“I was in California, Daed,” she said slowly, staring up into his face. “Alejandro has a condominium out there.” For a moment, she almost corrected herself, for indeed, it was their condominium now. She felt too prideful to say that out loud. “It’s beautiful. Warm all year round with palm trees and bright blue skies.” She glanced over her shoulder to look at her sister and Jonas. “As blue as in Holmes County, Anna.”
Anna smiled. When they had first arrived in Holmes County, Ohio, earlier that year, both of them had commented on the rich blue color of the sky. While Lancaster was beautiful in its own right, there was something different about Holmes County: rolling hills, more compact farms, and majestic blue skies.
“And so much traffic! If you think Route 340 is bad in the late afternoon or summer weekends . . .” She let the sentence trail off but laughed. “His condo is just a few miles from the ocean!”
Anna caught her breath. “The ocean, then?”
Amanda nodded, standing up and resting her hand on the back of her daed’s wheelchair. “Oh, Anna!” she said. “It’s just the most amazing thing you could ever see! Water everywhere. And it’s a strange, changing color . . . blue and green. But when the waves break on the sand, they rise up out of the water and curl over into frothing white foam. I even saw people using planks to ride those waves!”
“Ride the waves!” Anna repeated, glancing at Jonas, a look of wonder in her eyes. “Well! If I ever . . .”
Jonas scratched at his head. “Can’t say I ever saw the ocean,” he interrupted. “Sounds mighty nice.”
“It’s more than nice,” Amanda said lightly. “It’s simply . . . majestic. You can actually feel the power of God as you stand there, your toes in the warm sand, and realize that he made it all. He planned every drop of water that’s in that great enormous ocean! And as I stood there,” she continued, her mind racing back to that day, “I looked off to the horizon and realized that if I could walk, simply walk across that water, I’d reach China! What an amazing feeling of how small and insignificant we are as individuals. A truly humbling experience.”
The room was silent.
She took a deep breath and sighed. Without being told, she knew what they were not saying . . . what they were thinking. They didn’t need an ocean to experience those feelings. It might be a strong reminder for the Englische, but the Amish knew those feelings and lived them every day. Their silence spoke of how much she had changed in the past few months.
Taking a deep breath, she placed her hand on her daed’s shoulders and turned her attention back to him. “Things are going vell here, then, ja?”
Another mumble. She thought she heard the word fine but wasn’t certain.
“He’s doing much better,” Lizzie translated for her husband. “That nurse that your Alejandro sent has been helping him with his arm movements and speech.” Lizzie raised her eyebrows and tilted her head a bit. “She said that his speech will improve again shortly. Just a small setback from so much activity. And he’s starting physical therapy for his legs next week.”
This was news, indeed! If Amanda wanted to ask about the prognosis, she didn’t. She’d inquire about that later, after her daed was in bed, with no risk of him overhearing the answers.
“So he will walk again, ja?”
Lizzie glanced at Anna, then back at Amanda, a look on her face that answered the question without words. Immediately, Amanda was sorry that she had spoken aloud, knowing that the answer was probably one that no one wanted to hear.
After taking her suitcase to the grossdaadihaus, Amanda changed out of her clothing into something more plain and suitable for helping with the evening chores. She paused to place her cell phone on the desk by the window, her hand lingering on it as if willing Alejandro to call her at that very moment. By now, he was in Phoenix and most likely busy with his preconcert interviews and sound checks. He would have no time to contact her that day, of that she was most certain.
It felt strange to return to the family kitchen, full of light and good smells, to see Anna and Lizzie working together to wash the dishes from the evening meal. She felt like an outsider, watching something play out before her: something so familiar to her and yet something that she was no longer a part of, despite having been an insider for over twenty years.
After the kitchen was almost cleaned, Lizzie excused herself, taking Elias into the first-floor master bedroom to prepare him for bed. Anna was putting away the final dishes before she placed a kettle of water on the gas stove to make some tea. Feeling useless, Amanda sat on the sofa, leafing through a daily devotional book that was resting there but not really reading it.
Jonas rose from the table where he had remained, the newspaper open before him. He leaned down and neatly folded it before shoving his hands into his pockets. He seemed to shuffle his feet as he looked first at his wife and then at the clock on the wall. “Ja vell, I reckon I’ll leave you two to catch up for a spell,” he said. “Best go on out and help Harvey.”
“Is he still working here, then?” Amanda asked, surprised, for she had assumed that Harvey would no longer be needed once Jonas and Anna had arrived.
“Oh ja,” Jonas replied as he headed toward the door. “No finer a fellow and a right hard worker, too. Helped me get the lay of the farm and all real quick.”
“Let’s go sit at the table, then,” Anna said. “I made pumpkin pie yesterday. We can visit a spell, ja?”
While they sat at the table, listening to the movement of their mamm preparing Daed for bed in the other room, they both picked at the pumpkin pie, neither really eating it. So much had happened, and for Amanda, it felt as though her daed had regressed rather than progressed. The thought worried her, and Anna must have read her mind.