by Gifts
But along in October, Gry rode Blaze over for the day, and after Coaly and I had shown her whatever our new achievements were, we settled down, as always, to talk. We discussed the quarrels at Cordemant and Drummant, and remarked sagely that as long as they were busy feuding with their own people they were less apt to invade and poach and thieve across their borders. We mentioned Vardan. Gry had heard that the child was dying.
"Could it have been Ogge, do you think?" I asked. "That night. When my mother was there, and heard... He could have been casting his power on the girl."
"And not on Melle?"
"Maybe not." I had worked out this hopeful idea some while ago and it had seemed plausible to me; spoken, less so.
"Why would he put the wasting on his own granddaughter?"
"Because he was ashamed of her. Wanted her dead. She was..." I heard the thick, weak voice, Do you do, do you do. "She was an idiot," I said harshly. And I thought of the dog Hamneda.
Gry did not say anything. I had the sense that she wanted to speak but found she couldn't.
"Mother's been much better," I said. "She walked all the way to the Little Glen with Coaly and me."
"That's good," Gry said. She did not say and I would not think that, six months ago, such a walk would have been nothing to Melle; she would have gone on with me and climbed to the spring in the high hills and come home singing. I would not think the thought but it was there.
I said, "Tell me what she looks like."
That was an order Gry never disobeyed; when I asked her to be my eyes, she tried as best she could to see for me. "She's thin," she said.
I knew that from her hands.
"She looks a little sad. But just as beautiful."
"She doesn't look ill?"
"No. Only thin. And tired, or sad. Losing the baby..."
I nodded. After a while I said, "She's been telling me a long story. It's part of Hamneda's story. About his friend Omnan, who went mad and tried to kill him. I can tell you part of it."
"Yes!" said Gry in a contented tone, and I could hear her settle herself to listen. I reached out to Coaly's back and left my hand there. That touch was my anchor in the unseen real world, while I launched out into the bright, vivid world of story.
Nothing we had said about my mother had been dire, or even discouraging, yet without saying it we had said that she was not well, that she was not getting better, that she was getting worse. We both knew it.
My mother knew it. She was bewildered and patient. She tried to be well. She couldn't believe that she couldn't do what she had used to do, or half what she had used to do. "This is so foolish," she would say, the nearest she ever came to complaint.
My father knew it. As the days shortened and the work lessened and he was home longer and more often, he had to see that Melle was weak, that she tired easily, that she ate little and had grown thin, that some days all she could do was sit by her fire in her brown shawl and shiver and doze. "I'll be well when it gets warm again," she would say. He would build up her fire and seek what else he could do, anything to do for her. "What can I bring you, Melle?" I could not see his face, but I heard his voice, and the tenderness of it made me wince with pain.
My blindfold and my mother's illness worked together in one way that was good: we both had time to indulge our love of storytelling, and the stories carried us out of the dark and the cold and the dreary boredom of being useless. Melle had a wonderful memory, and whenever she searched it she found in it another story she had been told or had read. If she forgot part of the tale, she, like me, filled in and invented freely, even if it was a story from the holy texts and rituals, for who was to be shocked and cry heresy, here? I told her she was a well: she let down the bucket and it came up full of stories. She laughed at that. And she said, "I'd like to write down some of the things in the bucket."
I couldn't prepare the linen and ink for her myself, but I could tell Rab and Sosso, our two young housekeepers, how to go about it, and they were happy to do anything for Melle.
These two women were Caspros through their fathers, neither of whom had had any gift of the lineage. They inherited their position in the household from their mothers, who, together with my mother, had trained them thoroughly. During Melle's illness they took full control of domestic matters, running the house according to her standards, and always plotting how to make her life easier. They were warmhearted, energetic women. Rab was engaged to be married to Alloc, though neither seemed to be in a hurry to marry. Sosso had announced that in her opinion there were enough men underfoot already.
They learned to stretch the canvas and mix the ink, and my father devised a kind of bed table, and Melle set to writing down all she could remember of the sacred tales and songs she had learned as a girl. Some days she wrote for two or three hours. She never said why she was writing. She never said that it was for me. She never said that to write was to affirm that one day I'd be able to read what she wrote. She never said that she wrote because she knew she might not be here to speak. She said only when Canoc anxiously scolded her for wearing herself out at the writing, "It makes me feel that everything I learned when I was a girl isn't just going to waste. When I write it down, I can think about it."
So she would write in the morning, and rest in the afternoon. Towards evening Coaly and I would come to her room, and often Canoc, and she'd go on with whatever hero tale we were in the midst of, or a story of the time when Cumbelo was King, and we'd listen to her, there by the hearth, in the tower room, in the heart of winter.
Sometimes she said, "Orrec, you go on with it now." She wanted to know, she said, if I remembered the stories, if I could tell them well.
More and more often she began the story, and I ended it. One day she said, "I'm too lazy to tell a story. Tell me one."
"Which one?"
"Make one up."
How did she know I made stories up, following them in my mind through the long dull hours?
"I thought about some things Hamneda might have done while he was in Algalanda, that weren't in the story."
"Tell them."
"Well, after Omnan left him in the desert, you know, and he had to find his way alone...I thought about how thirsty he was. It was all dust, the desert, as far as the eye could see, hills and valleys of red dust. Nothing growing, no sign of a spring. If he didn't find water, he'd die there. So he began walking, going north by the sun, for no reason except that north was the way home to Bendraman. He walked and he walked, and the sun beat on his head and back, and the wind blew the dust in his eyes and nostrils so it was hard to breathe. The wind got stronger and began to blow the dust in circles, and a whirlwind rose up in front of him and came towards him, picking up the red dust and whirling it high. He didn't try to run away, but stood still and held out his arms, and the whirlwind came on him and picked him up, whirled him up into the air, coughing and choking with the dust. It carried him over the desert, whirling him round all the time and choking him. Finally the sun began to set. Then the wind dropped. And the whirlwind died down, and sank down, and dropped Hamneda at the gates of a city. His head was still whirling, he was too dizzy to stand up, and covered all over with red dust. He crouched there with his head down, trying to catch his breath, and the guards at the gate peered at him. It was twilight. One said,
"Somebody left a big clay jar there," and the other one said, "It's not ajar, it's a figure, a statue. A statue of a dog. It must be a gift to the king." And they decided to carry it into the city..."
"Go on," Melle murmured. And I went on.
But now I come to a place in this story I do not want to go through. A desert. No whirlwind to pick me up and carry me across it. Every day was one step farther into it.
There came a day when my mother put away the canvas and ink and said she was too tired to write any more for a while. There came a day when she asked me to tell a story, but shivered and dozed through it, not hearing it, only hearing my voice. "Don't stop," she said, when, thinking I was only making
her more wretched, I tried to let my voice die away so she could sleep. "Don't stop."
At the edge of the desert you think it may be wide. You think it could take a month, maybe, to cross it. And two months go by, and three, and four, every day a step farther into the dust.
Rab and Sosso were kind and strong, but when Melle grew too weak to look after herself at all, Canoc told them that he would see to her needs. He did so with the most delicate patience, caring for her, lifting her, cleaning her, soothing her, trying to keep her warm. For two months he scarcely left the tower room. Coaly and I were there most of the day, if only to keep him silent company. At night he kept vigil alone.
He fell asleep sometimes in the daytime, beside her on the narrow bed; weak as she was, she would whisper, "Lie down, love. You must be tired. Keep me warm. Come under the shawl with me." And he would lie beside her, holding her close to him, and I would listen to their breathing.
May came. One morning I sat in the window seat, feeling the sunlight on my hands; I smelled the fragrances of spring, and heard the sound of the light wind moving in young leaves. Canoc lifted Melle so Sosso could change the sheet. She weighed so little now, he could pick her up in his arms like a little child. She cried out sharply. I did not know then what had happened. Her bones had grown so fragile that when he lifted her, they broke; her collarbone and thighbone snapped like sticks.
He set her down on the bed. She had fainted. Sosso hurried out to fetch help. It was the only time in all those months that Canoc gave way. He crouched down at the bedside and wept, loudly, gasping with a terrible sound, hiding his face in the sheets. I huddled in the window seat, hearing him.
They came with some idea of tying splints to her limbs to keep them in place, but he would not let them touch her.
The next day I was out at the gate of the courtyard, letting Coaly have a run, when Rab called me. Coaly came as quickly as I did. We went up to the tower room. Mother was lying among pillows, her old brown shawl about her shoulders; I felt it under my hand when I went to kiss her. Her hand and cheek were icy cold, but she returned my kiss.
"Orrec," she whispered. "I want to see your eyes." And when she felt me resist, "You can't hurt me now, love," she whispered.
I still hesitated.
"Go on," Canoc said, across the bed from me, his voice quiet, as it always was in this room.
So I tugged the blindfold down and pulled the two pads away from my eyes, and tried to open my eyes. At first I thought I could not. I had to push up the lids with my fingers, and when I did, I saw nothing but a flashing, lancing, painful dazzle, a jumble, a chaos of light.
Then my eyes remembered their skill, and I saw my mother's face.
"There, there," she said, "that's right." Her eyes looked up into mine out of the little sunken ruin of her face and body, the tangle of black hair. "That's right," she said again quite strongly. "You keep this for me." She opened her hand. Her opal and the silver chain lay in it. She could not lift her hand to give it to me. I took it and put the chain over my head. "Ennu, hear and be here," she murmured. Then she closed her eyes.
I looked up at my father. His face was hard and set. He nodded very slightly.
I kissed my mother's cheek again, and put the pads over my eyes, and pulled up my blindfold.
Coaly tugged slightly at the leash, and I let her lead me out of the room.
That day a little after sunset my mother died.
* * *
Grieving, like being blind, is a strange business; you have to learn how to do it. We seek company in mourning, but after the early bursts of tears, after the praises have been spoken, and the good days remembered, and the lament cried, and the grave closed, there is no company in grief. It is a burden borne alone. How you bear it is up to you. Or so it seems to me. Maybe in saying so I'm ungrateful to Gry, and to the people of the house and domain, my companions, without whom I might not have carried my burden through the dark year.
So I call it in my mind: the dark year.
To try to tell it is like trying to tell the passage of a sleepless night. Nothing happens. One thinks, and dreams briefly, and wakes again; fears loom and pass, and ideas won't come clear, and meaningless words haunt the mind, and the shudder of nightmare brushes by, and time seems not to move, and it's dark, and nothing happens.
Canoc and I were not companions in our grief. We could not be. However untimely and cruel my loss, I had lost only what time must take and can replace. For him there was no replacement; the sweetness of his life was gone.
Because he was left solitary, and because he blamed himself, his sorrow was hard, and angry, and found no relief.
After Melle's death some of the people of the domain went in fear of Canoc as well as me. I had the wild gift, and now what might not he do in his bitter grief? We were the descendants of Caddard. And we had legitimate cause for anger. Every soul in Caspromant believed as a certainty that Ogge Drum had killed Melle Aulitta. She died a year and a day after the night we left Drummant. There was no need of the story she had told me and I had told Gry of that last night there, the whispering and the cold. We had told it to no one; I never knew whether she told it to Canoc. All he or anyone needed to know was that she had gone to Drummant a beautiful and radiant woman, and had come back ill, to lose the child she carried, and waste away, and die.
Canoc was a strong man, but the last months had taken a hard toll on both his body and mind. He was worn out. For the first halfmonth he slept a great deal—in her room, in the bed where he had held her as she died. He spent hours alone there. Rab and Sosso and the others were afraid for him and afraid of him. They used me as go-between. "Just slip up there, will you, and make sure the brantor's not needing anything," the women would say, and Alloc or one of the other men would say, "Just go up and ask the brantor does he want the horse to have bran or oats?"—for old Greylag was off his feed, and they were concerned about him. Coaly and I would go up the curving stone stairs to the tower room, and I would get up my nerve and knock. Sometimes he answered, sometimes not. When he did open the door, his voice was cold and flat. "Tell them no," he would say, or, "Tell Alloc to use his wits," and he would close the door again.
I dreaded to come where I was not wanted, but I had no physical fear of him. I knew he would never use his power against me, as Melle had known I would never use mine against her.
When I realised that, when I thought of it that way, a shock ran through me. This was no mere belief, it was knowledge. I knew he would not hurt me. I knew I would not have hurt her. So I could have taken off my blindfold, when I was with her. I could have seen her, all that last year. I could have cared for her, been useful to her, read to her, as well as telling my foolish stories. I could have seen her dear face not that once, but all year, all year long!
That idea brought me not tears, but a surge of anger that must have been something like what my father was feeling—a dry fury of impotent regret.
There was no one to punish for it but myself, or him.
On the night she died I had clung to him, and he had held me against him, my head on his chest. Since then he had scarcely touched me, and spoken very little to me; he had shut himself up in her room and held aloof. He wants his grief all to himself, I thought with a bitter heart.
14
All spring, Ternoc and Parn had come back and forth from Roddmant as often as they could. Ternoc was a kindly man, a follower not a leader, who was not very happy with his wilful wife but never complained of her. He had looked up to my father all his life; he had loved my mother dearly and mourned her now. Late in June he came over, went up to the tower room, and talked with Canoc for a long time. Canoc came downstairs to supper with him that evening, and from that day on ceased to lock himself away, returning to his work and duties, though he slept always in the tower room. He spoke to me, stiffly and with effort, as in duty bound. I responded the same way.
I had hoped Parn might know how to help my mother in her illness, but Parn was a hunter not a heale
r. She was uneasy in a sickroom, impatient, not of much use. At my mother's funeral, Parn had led the lament, the sobbing howl that Upland women raise over the grave. It is a hideous shrill clamor, going on and on and on, unbearable, the noise of animals in pain. Coaly raised her head and howled with the women, shuddering all over, and I too stood shuddering and fighting my tears. When it was over at last I was spent, exhausted, relieved. Canoc had stood through the lament unmoving, enduring it, like a rock in the rain.
Soon after Melle's death, Parn went up to the Carrantages. The people of Borremant had heard of her skill in calling to the hunt and sent for her to come. She wanted Gry to come with her, to begin to practice her gift. It was a rare chance to go among the wealthy highlanders and gain renown there. Gry refused. Parn got angry with her. Once again mild Ternoc intervened: "You go and come as you please," he said to his wife, "so let your daughter do the same." Parn saw the justice in that, though it didn't suit her. She went off the next day, without Gry, not bidding anyone goodbye.