by Jordan Marie
I roll over on my side, anxious to tell him how much last night meant to me. To tell him that I cared about him, and to reassure him that I am okay with a long distance relationship. Miami really isn’t that far away. I can deal with distance. I’ll drive down to see him on the weekend and sometimes he can come here. We can make it work. Besides, if things work out between us, I’d be willing to relocate for him.
I’m so busy planning that it doesn’t hit me at first. But when it does it feels like the world stops turning.
I’m alone in the room.
My first thought is that he’s probably just in the restroom. I lean over his side of the bed and look down on the floor and Allen’s clothes are gone. I touch his pillow and it’s cool. Allen hasn’t been in the bed for a while.
Pain…white hot pain shreds me.
Allen left. After everything… he left.
I mean, he said he was going to. It’s not like he lied to me, but after what we shared I just assumed…
“You’re an idiot, Jessie,” I grumble to myself. I get up from the bed feeling hurt and foolish. It doesn’t matter that I have no right to be; I still feel that way. I walk toward the bathroom and with each step I take my body feels sore, reminding me of just what kind of workout I had last night. That only makes me hate myself a little more. I turn the hot water on in the shower, try ing to just focus on the here and now, and not on Allen. I get in under the spray, and as the water moves over my body, I stare blankly at the tiled wall.
“You’re so beautiful, Jessie. You’re everything.”
Allen’s words from the night before come back to me and I close my eyes against their sweetness. They obviously weren’t true. If they were he would have at least stayed long enough to say goodbye. I slide against the wall of the shower until my ass hits the ground. I close my eyes as the heated stream of water pours down on me and I let myself cry.
I cry for the fact that I finally met the man I’ve always dreamed of. I cry because I touched something so sweet I never knew it existed, but most of all I cry because I think I’ve met the man that I will love for the rest of my life and I’ve lost him…
Because he doesn’t love me back.
18
Allen
“What’s going on with you?”
I look over at Ana and shake my head. I don’t want this conversation and the morning I left St. Augustine I made it clear to both her and Roman that I didn’t want to discuss any of this. Ana’s been silent for three days, which I know is hard for her and because of that, I knew this was coming. I know what she’s asking, but I’m going to ignore it and hope she takes the hint.
“Just doing my job, sis,” I tell her and that’s not a lie. We’re standing outside of Roman’s office door at his club. He’s in there talking with the club’s manager. My job today is to make sure no one disturbs him, to make sure no one gets near enough to hurt him. Roman’s a powerful man and he has some major enemies. Sometimes I keep Ana and my nephew safe, sometimes I protect Roman. It’s a job he trusts me with—despite my past—and I will never fail him. I owe Roman more than I could ever explain. He might not be a good man in the eye of Miami’s finest—although he’s cleaned up his organization since marrying Ana and having a baby with her. Still he’s not squeaky clean and he’s warned Ana he probably never will be. He loves her, though, and she loves him. They made their peace on the other stuff and I’ve never seen two people more in love. There was a time when Roman thought he had lost Ana forever and the man crumbled. I didn’t truly understand it, not then, but after three days without Jessie, I think I’m finally beginning to. The difference, however, is that Roman—despite what the law around here thinks—is the best man I’ve ever met. He deserves happiness. He deserves Ana and his child and he proves that every day.
I am a selfish prick who wasn’t even strong enough to stay away from Jessie when I knew going in that she deserved better. I’m the selfish prick who held her all night and wished things could be different, that I could be a man she was proud of and then left before the morning sun came up—without a word, because I knew there was nothing I could do to change my past.
“I never realized what a moron you were, Allen.”
“I doubt that. You nearly destroyed your life trying to save mine,” I tell her, clearing my throat because it feels like those words tear up my insides just from the effort it takes to speak them.
“You’re not that person, Allen. Not anymore.”
“I am that person, Ana. I’ll always be that person. I was an addict, scum who did unspeakable things just for my next high. I nearly got my own sister killed and back then I wouldn’t have cared. I hated you. I blamed you.”
“It was my fault,” she whispers, her voice full of sorrow and that sorrow is so thick it threatens to drown me. It sounds completely wrong coming from my sister too. A sister who deserves nothing but happiness and is finally living her dream.
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know just how sick the world was.”
“But, Allen—”
“Ana, you know I don’t talk about this shit. I know you feel guilty over it and part of that’s my fault because I blamed you.”
“You should have!” she cries.
“No. I shouldn’t have. You had no control over the man that … the man that did that to me. I blamed you, because it was easy to blame you. Not because it was your fault. You were just a kid too.”
“I was the older sister. I should have protected you, not hid in a closet,” she argues her voice full of old pain. There are tears shining in her eyes and I hate them. Ana’s cried enough over me.
“He was coming after you. And you were only three years older. We were children. You ran and hid. Hell, I would have too… eventually I did.”
“He just kept finding you.”
“It’s over now. I’m not that scared kid and, thanks to you and Roman, I’m not the boy hiding behind his memories in drugs. I’m clean, I’ve put the past behind me. I live a good life.”
“It would be better with Jessie in it,” Ana says, proving she’s never going to be the girl who lets sleeping dogs lie.
“I may be a different person, but all that stuff is still in my past, Ana. Jessie is special. She’s innocent. Do you really think she deserves a man like me in her life?” I ask her, and even asking I know it’s not fair. Ana knows about the man who made my life hell. She doesn’t know about the blood on my hands. That’s a secret only Roman and I share and it will stay that way.
“I think she would be lucky to have a man like you in her life. You have so much to offer, Allen,” Ana says softly, her hand coming up to touch the side of my face. “You deserve happiness, little brother. More than anyone I know.”
“Happiness is not meant for people who grew up like we did, Ana. You got your miracle because of Roman. It’s best not to rock the boat trying to get another.”
“I think you’re wrong, Allen. I think Jessie is your miracle. You just need to give her a chance.”
“You’re right, Ana. She is my miracle. She pushed my memories away and it was great, even if it was for only one night. But Jessie… She deserves better than an ex-addict with memories that still manage to leave him lying in his own sweat and filled with disgust in the middle of the night. She deserves only good and happiness in this world. The last thing she needs is me. So let it drop, will you?”
“Stubborn. You always were such a stubborn man, Allen.” I give her a half smile and she kisses my cheek. “I love you, brother,” she whispers in my ear.
“Love you too, sis.”
“In case you didn’t know, Allen, I’m proud you’re my brother,” she says and for a minute I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. There’s no way I can respond; it hurts too much to even breathe.
She pulls away and squeezes my hand before going into Roman’s office. I close my eyes against the pain and the memories she’s unearthed. I beat them back down. That’s what I do.
That’s how I surviv
e.
19
Ana
“Roman, we need to talk,” I announce when I get inside his office.
“Nice to see you too, Pet,” he says, standing up.
I sigh and then walk into his arms, hugging him. “It’s always nice to see you, Roman. You know that. I’m just upset.”
Roman—being Roman—takes me into his arms and pulls me down with him as he sits in his chair. He kicks out from the desk enough that we have room, and then settles me in his lap. I lean against him, still hurting from my conversation with Allen.
“I knew this was coming,” he says.
“You did?”
“Ana, of course I did. We’ve been together for a while now, Pet. I don’t want to brag, but I think I know you pretty well these days.”
“I never could pull the wool over your eyes,” I tell him, reaching up to smooth the wrinkle on his brow.
“Except for that time you were trying to destroy my empire,” he jokes and even after all this time I blush.
“That wasn’t exactly what I was doing,” I grumble.
“No, you were too busy becoming my empire,” he murmurs so sweetly while kissing the side of my face. His fingers push through my hair and I close my eyes at how good this feels.
Allen was right; Roman is my miracle. He saved me, found me when I didn’t even know I was lost. I want that same miracle for Allen. I have a sneaking suspicion that Jessie can give my brother that.
“I love you, Roman.”
“I know, Ana, and I love you, more every damn day.”
“Me too.” I grin and reach up to kiss him.
“So, you want to go back to St. Augustine,” he says, proving that he did indeed know what was coming.
“Well, yeah.”
“Pet, I know you love Allen, but this is something he has to work through.”
“Allen won’t, Roman. He’s recovered a lot over the years, but inside he’s still that same twenty-two-year-old you found who doesn’t think he deserves any good in his life. He feels…”
“I get it, Pet, I do. But you need to let him work it out with that girl. You can’t fix everything. Relationships are complicated. It needs to be the two of them that work this out.”
“Are you forgetting how I was delivered on your doorstep?”
“Ana—”
“Or in what shape you were in?”
“Damn it, Ana,” he growls, because he knows I have him. He remembers—we both do.
“Or that Allen was one of the men who helped us work things out?”
“I can’t get away from business for at least a couple more days, Pet,” he says resignedly.
“Send Bruno with me.”
“You know I don’t like you going anywhere without me, Ana.”
“It’s only a five-hour drive, Roman. If I leave now I’ll be back late tonight. I can have Maria watch Rome,” I tell him, trying to soothe him.
“It’s a ten-hour drive if you count coming back to me.”
“Exactly, but I can leave in the morning and like I said, I’ll be back before you even get in bed, my love.”
“Damn straight you will. I told you once long ago, I’m not sleeping in a bed without you. I can’t.”
“I’ll hurry, I promise.”
“You go straight to the shop, and you come straight home. Understand?”
“No shopping?” I grin, knowing I’m pushing it.
“You can shop with me, or in Miami when you’re not hours away from me—hours that I can’t get to you if you need me.”
“I’ll come straight home, worrywart,” I laugh.
“Good,” he answers, clearly not happy. He picks up the phone and I turn to look at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling Bruno,” he growls and I smile. My man is overprotective but I wouldn’t have him any other way. I squeeze him to me and close my eyes, drinking in the smell of his aftershave.
The truth is, I hate being away from him too. If I didn’t think that Jessie was truly Allen’s future… I wouldn’t.
20
Jessie
It’s been four days without Allen. I know I’m stupid for counting and trust me, I feel like a fool every day. Today I woke up determined to forget him. If he can’t be bothered to even call me…
I might have been a virgin, but I’m not naïve. If a man takes you to bed and then disappears without a trace, it’s time to realize you got played. Okay, so he didn’t make me any promises and I pushed things in the direction they went. I can own up to that. But, still, he could have called. Just to say…
Shit. What could he say? “Thanks for your virginity, Jessie, it was swell.” Yeah, it’s probably best he didn’t call.
I get to the door of my shop and there’s a long rectangular box on the doorstep. I frown. I wasn’t really expecting any deliveries. I grab it, unlock the door and go inside. The side of the box reads 1-800-Flowers. I don’t know anyone that would send me flowers and my first thought is it was delivered to the wrong address, but it has my name and the shop’s under it. When I take the top off, there’s a huge bouquet of flowers in the box. They’re assorted variety. They range from irises to hydrangeas and I even see a morning glory or two. The only thing they have in common is the color blue. There are different hues, but basically all blue. There’s a card on the top and I open it first, confused, a little excited, but definitely intrigued.
Jessie,
I have no idea what the florist sent, but I asked her to send flowers that reminded me of your eyes. Meeting you was something I didn’t expect. You’re very special. Thank you for our time together, it meant more than I could make you understand. Be happy, Mouse. Be happy.
Allen.
I read the note again…and again. The hand holding the card starts shaking and I read the note yet again. I look down at the flowers and slowly all of my emotions bleed into one—anger. The flowers are gorgeous, the gesture was even nice, I suppose. Yet, they all boil into one thing. They’re a goodbye letter. Something sent maybe to relieve his conscience. Though, maybe not. Maybe this is a game he plays with all women. Or maybe sending flowers almost a week later is some kind of rule of thumb for one-night stands these days. I gather the flowers up and throw them in the trash, just as the front door opens.
“Hi again!” a voice chirps out, airy and happy. It’s not like I get many customers, and it really pisses me off that I get one right now.
I turn around to look and color drains from my face as I see Allen’s sister standing there. I look around, but she’s alone now—except a huge, bulky guy standing outside by the door looking like he might melt down in the hot Florida sun because he’s wearing a dark suit.
“Hi,” I murmur.
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d come back by. I really loved that shampoo I bought here a few days ago. I was thinking of getting a couple others.”
“The display is in the same spot. I did add a few different fragrances,” I tell her. I give her my back and go to the main counter. It’s rude—and deliberately so, but she’s lying. She didn’t buy anything the other day. Plus, the timing of her visit sucks, considering I’m still feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach by her brother.
“Pretty flowers,” she murmurs, and when I turn around she’s looking in the trash.
“I suppose.”
“From someone you don’t like?”
“I’m sure you already know who they are from,” I mumble, sitting on the stool I keep behind the counter while wondering again, what exactly is going on with her and how she just happened to show up now.
“Why would I know?” she asks and she takes a blue tulip out of the trash. Her fingers move over the petals as she looks up at me.
“Because they’re from your brother?”
“They are?” she asks and it would be impossible to miss the pleasure in her voice.
“Listen, Mrs.—”
“Call me Ana.”
“Fine. Then listen
. Ana, if you’re here to buy something then that’s great. But if you’re here just to make sure your brother’s message was received and then pump me for information, you can just turn around and walk out now.”
“With a sales personality like that, I’m starting to see why your store is always so crowded,” Ana murmurs, and I guess it was deserved, but it was still a bitchy thing to say.
“Try the Walmart in the next county over. I hear they greet you with a smile at the door,” I tell her, and I open up a ledger, pretending to be completely engrossed in it.
“Okay, what did Allen do?”
I look up at her, because her voice has changed dramatically. I’m shocked because she’s leaning against the counter looking at me intently.
“Excuse me?” I ask, and this time I’m really confused.
“You’re pissed off. That’s a feeling I remember well with Allen, and now just because I’m married to a man who can do that easily. So c’mon, tell me. What did Allen do?”
“You don’t know?”
“Why would I know?”
“I just assumed the two of you discussed it and that’s why you’re here. To make sure I understood I was getting the brush-off.”
“Allen gave you the brush-off?”
“Well… I mean I thought so, but maybe not. Maybe sending flowers and a C-Ya-Never note is the proper etiquette for a one-night stand. I’ve never had one before, so I couldn’t tell you.”