Dixie threw up her hands. “You – you – you! All about you! Maybe I did it for me!”
Zeke laughed, a harsh bark of sound that betrayed the anger and hurt he was desperately controlling. “Yeah, you did it for yourself – but considering you had this guy for – how long? - while we were still together, I’m not feeling all that bad about getting something out of it. You never trusted me – and now I see why. Were you cheating the whole – you know what? It doesn’t matter! It’s over and done, and I – stupid me – wanted to do you the courtesy of telling you about TJ. Now – well, I suppose that was all a lie, too.”
Dixie shook her head, her arms crossed even more tightly across her stomach. “No, I...I like TJ. And Leah.”
“Well, I’m not sure if they’re going to like you that much, after this.”
Her eyes flew to his. “Why would you tell them?” she demanded angrily.
Zeke laughed harshly. “Why should I continue to shoulder all the blame for the end of our relationship? And why would I lie to them about it?” He shook his head. “They won’t throw you out if you visit, but they’re not going to be singing your praises, either.”
Zeke shook his head and headed for the door again. “Good-bye, Dixie,” he said, and gently closed the door behind him.
~~~~~
“Did you go to see her?” Manny asked.
Zeke hesitated.
“You did, didn’t you? What happened? How did it go?”
“Yeah, I went to see her – and I’ll tell you about it when I see you, okay? Not over the phone.”
“Oh.” The disappointment in her voice was palpable. “It didn’t go well, huh?”
“To say the least. Of course, it could have been worse.”
“Oh?”
“I could be talking to you from jail.”
Manny laughed. “How can I be sure you’re not?”
“I guess you’ll just have to trust me.”
“I do.”
Even though the words were teasing, they set off an explosion in Zeke’s chest he wasn’t expecting. A mix of pleasure and happiness, and guilt, because he was still writing his blog and still using her journey of self-discovery for his own personal gain. It somehow made him feel...dirty. Not even acknowledging how his own behaviour had doomed his relationships with women, including, yes, Dixie, made him feel as bad as he did right now, sitting here on the phone listening to Manny tease him with her voice husky with sleep, knowing he hadn’t told her the whole truth.
Good God, he was getting a crush on her, he realized suddenly, stunned. On Auntie Em!
“I’ve got to go,” he said abruptly.
“Oh – okay,” she said. She sounded startled, but not hurt. “Talk to you later.”
“Yeah. Good night.”
“Night.”
~~~~~
Manny thoughtfully hung up the phone.
That was odd, Harvey mused.
Whatever. Somebody probably walked in.
Manny yawned, snuggled deeper into her blankets and drifted back to sleep.
* * * * *
Day 104
Rebecca absently answered her phone, her attention focused on the paperwork in front of her.
“Mom?”
Rebecca’s head snapped up, paperwork forgotten.
“Jaime!” she said, relief palpable in her voice. “Where – what’s going on! It’s been weeks!”
“Yeah, don’t nag,” Jaime sighed.
Rebecca closed her eyes and prayed for patience. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ve just been worried about you. How are you?”
“I’m fine – and you weren’t so worried you didn’t go to Los Angeles for a week.”
Rebecca pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes closing in frustration. “Well, I didn’t see a point in waiting by the phone on the off-chance you’d decide to call,” she snapped. “Besides, I had my cell phone with me if you did. Now. Jaime. What’s going on?”
Jaime heaved a long-suffering sigh. “I met my dad. A few weeks ago, actually. He’s wonderful! I don’t know why you kept me away from him all this time!”
“I didn’t -” Rebecca began then stopped herself. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was never going to convince Jaime about...anything.
“Anyway,” Jaime continued as though Rebecca hadn’t spoken, “he’s asked me to stay for a while longer. He wants me to get to know him; he wants to get to know me. And, when the time is right, he’ll introduce me to his family, including his wife and kids.”
“Sounds familiar,” Rebecca muttered bitterly.
“Mom. Please.”
“Hey – weren’t you the one who said I was too perfect about all this?”
“Just – let me have this. All right?”
“Fine. Fine.” Rebecca took in a deep, calming breath. “I’m happy for you, Jaime. I hope – I hope you find everything you’re looking for. When do you want Tris to join you? School’s out for a week next month -”
“I haven’t told him about Tris yet.”
Rebecca paused, blinking. “What? Why?”
“Because this is about me right now,” Jaime snapped. “Me and my dad, getting to know each other. I’ll tell him about Tris soon – but I want to get to know him first as just my dad before I have to share with him anybody else.”
Rebecca swallowed all the words she wanted to say, reminding herself that Jaime was a grown woman.
“All right,” Rebecca said faintly. “Do you want me to tell Tris to call you when she gets in?”
“No, I’ll call her later. Dad’s going to be here any minute. He’s going to take me out to the old homestead.”
The old homestead? Rebecca thought dazedly. There’d been nothing old about it thirty years ago, and ‘homestead’ was far too simple a word for the sprawling house and land Devon’s family had called home. “Okay,” she said quietly. “Have fun.”
“I will,” Jaime said happily and ended the call.
~~~~~
Rebecca growled, “How I managed to raise such a self-centred child...”
Manny said weakly, “She’s...just...trying to discover who she is. Connect with that part of her heritage she’s never known.”
Rebecca snorted. “That doesn’t bother me. But to not tell her new family about Tris? Really? That I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry, Rebecca. I wish I knew what to say, but – I don’t. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted children – trying to understand their motivations after you’ve done your best to raise them.”
Rebecca laughed, but there was no humour in it. “I used to envy you, you know.”
“Envy me?” Manny blurted. “What on earth for?”
“Not just you – you and Daisy. Because you were young and having fun while I was tied down with a child. I – I hate to admit it, but I resented Jaime on more than one occasion. When you and Daisy were going out with your college buds, drinking all night, dancing...” Rebecca stared off into space, her lips twisted ruefully. “Playing with boys -”
“That would have been Daisy,” Manny objected.
Rebecca huffed a laugh. “Didn’t matter which one of you it was – it wasn’t me. One stupid mistake and I paid with my youth. Maybe – maybe that’s why Jaime is the way she is. She picked up on that...envy and resentment when she was a baby and never forgot it.”
Manny decided to ignore that last thought for the moment, but made a mental note to make sure Daisy called Rebecca that night.
“I always thought you enjoyed your life?” Manny said instead.
“I did. Eventually. But you know how hard those first few years were – how hard your parents tried to get me to stop my self-destructive behaviour right after Jaime was born. After they died, well, it took the wind out of my sails.” Rebecca bit her lip as she realized what she’d said, and who she was talking to. “Out of all of our sails,” she amended, “and when you and Daisy came back to the land of the living and started going out and making other
friends – I felt...left out. You know. The only one with a kid at that age, and working, and I couldn’t play as much as you guys could.” She shook her head.
“I’m sorry,” Manny said softly.
“It’s nobody’s fault – well, except my own, I suppose.” Rebecca laughed slightly. “I did a lot of things that first year or so after Jaime was born. A lot of things...I’m not very proud about. I’ve done a lot of things since. I’ve been...quite sexually active in my time. But I’ve never fallen in love, and I’ve never allowed any of my lovers to meet Jaime or Tris, and the men have been...you know, just as anxious to keep things light and – and – on the surface, you know what I mean?”
“Yes.”
“And now there’s Jackson.” Rebecca heaved a heavy sigh. “He wants...he wants a real relationship! He’s in love and I just don’t know how to deal with that.”
“At least he’s in love with you.”
Rebecca barked out a sharp laugh. “That’s the bad part,” she said. “He’s got young kids – a little older than Tris – and I just...I just don’t want to deal with kids anymore. Especially not when I look at Jaime and realize just how much I must have sucked as a mother.”
“You didn’t – and don’t – suck as a mother,” Manny replied firmly. “You can’t be blamed for Jaime losing her mind.”
Rebecca shrugged, and blinked back tears. “Maybe I should have told her more about her father. Tried to find him when she was a teenager and she started asking questions, asking to meet him. Maybe I should have tried to forge a relationship later on with his parents.”
“And yours?”
Rebecca laughed bitterly. “You know my father – he’d never change his mind.”
“It’s been thirty years, Rebecca. Maybe -”
“Enough.” Her cold tones left no room for debate. “Besides,” Rebecca continued after a moment of tense silence, “Jaime isn’t interested in my side of the family. She’s never once asked about my parents. She’s only interested in her father and his family.”
“Does she know your parents are still alive?”
“She’s been in our home town for months. She has to know by now.” Rebecca snorted a bitter laugh. “Just something else for her to be angry about.”
“Rebecca...” Manny hesitated.
Rebecca frowned before realization dawned. “No.”
“Maybe -”
“No. No, no, no! I’m not going back there! I’m not going to let them take another shot at me!”
“You’re not sixteen anymore! You’re a beautiful, successful woman who raised her daughter on her own. You have a beautiful granddaughter – friends – a career – a handsome, successful man – a life! You’re strong and a survivor, and there’s nothing they can do to you anymore! And after thirty years – maybe they’re ready to admit their mistake. With Jaime wandering around with her dad, maybe they even feel some regret over everything they threw away.”
Rebecca pressed her lips tightly together. “It’s not worth it. They threw me out. Told me never to darken their door again. Jesus, Manny – they would cross the street when they saw me coming! Your own parents tried to make them see reason, and they refused.”
“I’m not saying you should forget what they did,” Manny said softly. “But it’s been thirty years. Maybe it’s time to forgive.”
“Yeah? What for?”
“So you can feel like you deserve what Jackson’s offering you. If you love him -”
“I never said I loved him. I said he loved me.”
Manny hesitated, trying to decide how to bridge the suddenly tense silence between them. “Okay. Okay. Well. I...guess I’ll...get something to eat...”
“You do that,” Rebecca said coldly, and disconnected the call.
~~~~~
Rebecca knocked on Tris’ door and waited for the usual ‘go away”. To her surprise, Tris grudgingly told her to come in.
She cautiously entered the bedroom then gingerly sat on the edge of the bed while Tris studiously focused on the homework she had propped up on her lap.
“I spoke with your mother today,” Rebecca said.
“I know,” Tris said coldly, but Rebecca could see her eyelids fluttering rapidly.
“She’s not planning on coming back for...a while.”
“I know,” Tris repeated, only this time she couldn’t hide the tremble in her voice.
Rebecca sat very still, her only movement the slow rub of her trembling hands down her thighs.
“I know this hasn’t been...good for you,” Rebecca said softly, her eyes on her hands rather than her granddaughter. “I know you don’t like me very much, and I...don’t know how to change that. I also know I haven’t been the most...affectionate, or – or nurturing of grandmothers, either. But that’s something I can change.”
“You don’t have to,” Tris said in a tiny voice. “You’re not the only one who doesn’t want me. Mom and Dad don’t want me with them. Gran and Pappy don’t want me either -”
“Now, you know none of that is true,” Rebecca said firmly. “I’ve told you I do want you here. Your parents love you; they’re just...going through some tough times right now. And as for Gran and Pappy – we just don’t know where they are, or how to get in touch with them.”
“We could if it was an emergency,” Tris muttered.
“Yes. But is this really an emergency? Whether you like me or not, and whether you believe it or not, you do have a home here. I do want you here. You are my daughter’s daughter. My blood. My family. And I love you. Very much.”
“But you don’t like me very much, either,” Tris challenged.
“Love for your family is automatic, Tris. Liking, though, is something that’s earned, and it may never happen. I think...we could both grow to like each other, if we stopped...”
Rebecca stared at her hands then glanced over at Tris. Tris had stopped pretending to focus on her homework and was staring at her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and vulnerable, the dark chocolate brown in sharp contrast to her straw-coloured hair. Her father’s hair; her mother’s face; her grandfather’s eyes, Rebecca thought, and her heart twisted with love and regret.
“If we stopped acting like enemies, maybe we wouldn’t be enemies,” Rebecca continued softly.
Tris blinked and looked down, her hair falling in soft curtains to hide her face.
“I’m never going to be the kind of mom you see on TV or in old movies,” Rebecca said quietly. “I’m never going to be that kind of grandmother, either. I have a job, and I have a lo – life. But how about this? I’ll make sure I’m home when you get home from school. We’ll eat supper together – at the table – and we’ll spend an hour after supper together. No TVs, no phones, no computers, no one else. Just us. We can talk, or play cards, or...we can stare at everything but each other.”
She hesitantly patted Tris’ knee.
“We may never learn to like each other,” she added softly, “but we have to start somewhere. Okay?” She looked steadily at Tris. “So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?”
Tris hesitated, then nodded and gave her a fleeting smile, and for the first time, Rebecca felt a small sliver of hope.
* * * * *
Day 107
A few days after TJ was comfortably ensconced back in his own bed in his own home, Zeke finally asked the question that had lain dormant in the back of his mind: what had Leah meant by saying he’d be a good father for their baby after all?
Leah and TJ shared rueful and somewhat guilty looks, then explained their initial plans for trying to have a baby before the doctors had found the tumor, including their discussion of Zeke as a potential donor if their other options failed. Zeke listened carefully, his brows lowered darkly over his disbelieving hazel eyes.
They stared at him with wide-eyed trepidation once they finished their story.
“So...” Zeke finally said slowly, “you’re holding me in reserve? So to speak.”
“If you’re willing, of course,”
TJ said. “If we have to use a donor, we’d like him to be someone we know. Someone we trust. But it’s a big step that stretches the bounds of friendship, and if you don’t feel comfortable with it, you can always say no. I mean, we get why you’d refuse.”
Zeke nodded, frowning as he tried to wrap his head around fathering a child for his best friend, the brother of his heart if not his blood.
“There’s lots of time to think about it,” Leah assured him. “We’re not going to pursue anything until we know what’s going on with TJ, and then it’s only after we’ve exhausted all possibilities of him being the father.”
She frowned as her cell phone vibrated in her hand. She glanced at it, sent it to voice mail, and gave TJ a smile. “TJ’s still Plan A.”
Zeke frowned. “I thought he couldn’t – that he didn’t have enough -”
“All you need is one,” TJ grinned. “We thought of you for Plan B – if you agree.”
Zeke hesitated.
“You don’t need to decide anything right now,” TJ assured him again.
Zeke’s frown deepened as he had a sudden flash of Manny telling him about what happened after her parents had died; about Daisy and Rebecca and Jaime; about family and friends. He refocused on TJ.
“I would do anything for you, TJ,” he said firmly, “you know that. If you need me to do this, then I will. You just let me know what I have to do and we’ll work it out.”
“Assuming, of course, that your sperm count is normal,” Leah said briskly, frowning as her phone vibrated; she once again sent it to voice mail.
“Look at me,” Zeke teased, “could there possibly be any doubt?”
Leah rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you impregnate women just by looking at them,” she assured him drily.
“God, I hope not,” Zeke groaned. “I’ve looked at a lot of women. It could make things very awkward once all those kids are old enough to date.”
Leah laughed, shaking her head, then cursed as her phone vibrated yet again.
“I’d better check in with the office,” she sighed, “that’s the third time they’ve called. I’m going downstairs to the study, in case I need the computer.” She dropped a quick kiss on TJ’s lips. “Please don’t plot revolution while I’m gone.”
A Life Less Ordinary Page 24