by Lena Nicole
I can’t do this.
As I’m about to be a coward and tell my mom that I’m not feeling well and ask her to reschedule, my front door opens.
I see this man who should be familiar to me standing in the entryway of my home. I give him a tight smile and a slight wave as he shuts the door completely. Oh god, did I actually just wave? Real smooth, Addison.
“Hey, sorry I’m so used to using my key to let myself in. I probably should have knocked, huh?”
I stand here and take a good look and I can see why I would be attracted to him. I take in the posture of his broad shoulders and notice he looks every bit as uncomfortable as I feel. I squint my eyes taking in every feature of his face. I study his deep blue eyes that I could easily lose myself in. My eyes wonder over his short, dirty blonde hair that is styled away from his face and travel down his sculpted body. I’m hoping there will be some spark if I look at him close enough. After what seems like a few minutes, I stop checking him out and start to panic as I still have no memories of Colin. I see his well-defined jaw tense, and I immediately know he can see I don’t remember him. The hurt expression on his face says it all and it breaks my heart just a little for him.
THIS IS THE first time I’ve seen her since the night of the accident other than when she was sleeping in the hospital. I stop in the foyer and just stare at her. I’m mesmerized by her beauty; I always have been. She’s staring back, gaping at me. Her dirty blonde hair is tied up in a messy knot at the top of her head. I take in the gentle curves of her face and long to cup her jaw with one hand as my other hand skims along her slim waist to pull her close to me. I glance down at her full lips. The urge to run to her and devour her in a kiss is so strong it’s hard to stay rooted in my spot. Finally, I look back up into her piercing blue eyes as she stares wide eyed at me. Then my heart shatters into a million pieces as I see that there is no memory of me within them.
Taking her in, I’m transported back to the first time I laid eyes on her. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was working at a bar called Docs while I finished up law school. Jeremy worked with me too. I saw the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen walk up to the bar and sit down with her friend. Jeremy being Jeremy, he immediately set his sights on her and was about to make his move. That’s when I did something I had never done to him before. I cockblocked. I told him there were girls down at the other end of the bar asking for him. He, of course, went over to investigate. That’s when I made my move.
“Hi, what can I get you to drink?” I said.
“I’ll have a cosmo, and she’ll have a beer,” her friend said. For some reason, Gorgeous still wouldn’t look at me, but I wasn’t giving up. I made their drinks and came back.
“So, you girls come here often?” Her friend immediately started laughing. Okay, so it wasn’t the smoothest line in the world and slightly cliché, but I needed a way to start conversation. Looks like I would have to come up with something else since her friend was obviously a ball buster.
“Okay, that was cheesy. Let me start over. My name is Colin.” I held out my hand to her friend first. I figured I’d need to win her over if I stood any chance with Gorgeous. “I’m Colby,” she responded. I held out my hand to Gorgeous and said, “And your name is….” She finally looked up at me and I felt all the air leave my lungs. Her eyes were so blue you could almost see through them. I could tell right then that those eyes could make me do anything. Man, was I in trouble. She shook my hand and said, “I’m Addison.” Then she did the cutest thing I’d ever seen. She blushed. I liked how she was shy and clearly embarrassed. I held on to her hand a little longer than necessary and found it difficult to let go.
“Are you girls here celebrating something or just letting loose?” I said as I kept my eyes trained on Addison. With that one look from her eyes, I was almost desperate to have her talk to me.
“No, nothing special, just letting loose,” she responds.
The three of us start an easy conversation. I learn that Addison is a trauma nurse at the emergency room and that Colby is on her third major which is currently fashion design. I tell them I’m in my last year of law school and will be studying for the bar exam soon. After a while I can see Addison relax a little and I think she’s having a good time talking to me. She’s smiling and laughing which makes me happy thinking that she’s enjoying my company.
“So, a trauma nurse, huh? You must see all kinds of things working in the emergency department.”
Addison was about to take a sip of her drink when I saw her eyes light up. She must really love her job. A smile spreads across her face as she begins speaking with a passion in her voice I haven’t heard all night, and to be quite honest it turns me on.
“All kinds of things and then some. That’s one thing I love about the trauma unit. You never know what you’re going to get. Your night can range from a simple case of a sore throat to having to scrub in on an emergency heart surgery.”
“So, you get to see gore. That’s cool.” Oh, god, I’m an idiot. You get to see gore? Could I sound like a bigger loser if I tried? I physically want to punch myself for making such a dumbass comment. She laughs at my interpretation of her job which helps ease the awkwardness a little. Suddenly her expression falls a little as if recalling a bad memory.
I wonder if I’d upset her with my comment and started to apologize when she says, “It’s not the gore that gets to me. I don’t get grossed out being exposed to it, but you have times where you do all you can and it just isn’t enough. Not enough to save someone’s life. And then you have to witness the family’s devastation when you pretty much shatter their world and deliver their life changing news. Those are the days I don’t like my job.”
I admired the sincerity in her voice. I can tell she’s an excellent nurse and obviously good at what she does. With passion like that, how could someone not be?
Colby makes a dramatic sigh clearly not enjoying this part of the conversation.
“Uh, moooood kill,” she said, “Can we please talk about something else? We’re supposed to be letting loose, not talking about death. What a buzz kill.”
I laugh at Colby and offered my sincerest apologies which are free shots for killing her buzz. I turn my attention to the other customer at the bar who needs a drink and excuse myself. I continue to stay by Addison as much as I can the remainder of the night.
Finally, I work up the nerve to ask her what I’d been wanting to ask her since the moment she caught my eye.
“Addison, what do you say we go out for dinner one night?” I give her my best grin that usually wins over the ladies. Her cheeks flush and I think this is a good thing.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Uh, okay, maybe blushing isn’t a good thing.
“Why not?”
“I don’t really know you that well. You could be some crazy stalker for all I know.”
“Yeah, I mean you did use that God awful pick up line,” Colby said, snickering. Are these girls kidding me?
“Really? How about something casual? I won’t even pick you up so I won’t know where you live. Then, you don’t have to worry about me stalking you. Yet.” I give her a wink to let her know I’m kidding. I can still see her hesitation. “Come on,” I continue, “we can meet somewhere super public so if you feel like you need to be rescued there will be plenty of people to come to your aid.”
She squints her eyes a little but then the slightest grin spreads across her lips and I feel like I’m about to win the lottery. “Okay.”.
“Can I get your number then?” I feel a renewed sense of self confidence since she’s agreed to go out with me.
“Nope.” So much for that self-confidence. “I’m still not convinced you’re not a psycho. I’ll meet you at Cup of Joes. Does 10:30 tomorrow morning work for you?”
“I’ll be there,” I said with the cheesiest grin. I don’t want to seem too desperate and try to hide my smile, but I can’t. I got a date with the most stunning and intrig
uing woman I’ve ever seen in my life.
I hear Addison clear her throat and I realize I’ve been staring at her as I took my trip down memory lane. I shake my head to get out of my daze and look back to her. She gives a half smile and waves at me. She immediately looks embarrassed after she does it. It almost makes me smile since I was just remembering how she would blush and get embarrassed the first time we met.
“Hey, sorry. I’m so used to using my key to let myself in. I probably should have knocked, huh?” I ask her as I give a slight shrug and an awkward smile.
Oh, God. This is more awkward than I could have imagined. I want so badly to hug her and hold her in my arms, but I can tell by her stiff body language that that is the last thing she wants.
“Do you mind if I come in?” I ask her.
“No, please forgive me. Things have just been weird for me the last few days. Please, have a seat.” She gives me a small smile which helps relieve some of the tension.
I was hoping the mere sight of me would help jog her memory, but as I look into her eyes, I can see there is no recognition in them. And that cuts me even more.
“So, how are you feeling?” I ask her.
She sighs, “I’m fine, all things considered.” I try to give her a tight smile, but my mouth doesn’t quite do it. “I don’t really know what to say. I mean forgive me, but this is really awkward for me. I know you were, or are, important in my life, but I just can’t place you. You know what I mean? It’s so frustrating and I’m trying so hard but keep coming up with nothing.”
She’s starting to ramble which is what she does sometimes when she’s nervous or uncomfortable. She either rambles or blushes like crazy. “It’s okay,” I tell her. “I think we need to be patient. From what I understand it can come back at any moment. Maybe you shouldn’t stress so much over it and try to relax.” I’m hoping if she relaxes that things will ease back to her. I also want her to see that I’m here to support her through this.
She lets out a big breath, “Okay, maybe I’ll try the relaxed approach. I’ve just been looking for something, hoping it wakes my brain up so I can remember everything.” She sounds defeated and I hate the tone of her voice at this moment. I need to do something.
“Do you want me to talk about some things and see if any of it sounds familiar?”
“Sure, I guess it can’t hurt at this point.” She sounds so resigned to not regaining her memory. She needs to snap out of it and fight for it, fight for us.
“Okay. Let’s see. We met at the bar I worked at, Docs. I used a terrible pick up line on you which Colby and you still haven’t let me live down. Does that sound familiar?” She shakes her head. “What about our second date when we went to the movies and a dirty little kid put gum in your hair? You had to cut your hair off to about your shoulders to get it out.” Her eyes are cut slightly to the left and she’s chewing on the inside of her cheek. She shakes her head again, so I continue. “What about all the late nights you helped me study for the bar exam? You would make me my favorite snacks and keep a pot of coffee constantly brewing. Or all the strolls along the beach holding hands and the sunsets we watched together because it’s your favorite time of day?” I’m getting desperate for her to recall anything I’m telling her and keep pouring out memories one after another when she holds her hand up to stop me and closes her eyes. I can sense she’s about to say something I’m not going to like.
“Colin, look, this is all a bit too much for me. I don’t know how to process all of this. I think we need to take a break so I can figure this all out. I’m not going to move in with you and I think it’s best if we give each other some space. I’m just so overwhelmed and I need to do what’s best for me right now. I think a little space will help my mind sort out all of this missing information.”
I can tell by the look in her eye that she’s not trying to be hurtful, but all I can do is just stare at her as I take in her words. She needs space? It’s then that I think of the worst possible outcome for the first time since the accident: what if her memory never comes back? Shit. That can’t happen. I need her in my life. I love her more than life itself. She has to get better. I just don’t see any other option for me.
I can’t meet her eyes for fear of breaking down as I say, “I understand. Call me if you need anything. I’m always here for you.” And with that, I walk out the door before my heart can break anymore.
I’M NOT EVEN sure what to make of that visit. The word awkward doesn’t even do it justice. Hearing Colin speak about all of his memories, our memories, was just overwhelming. I knew as he was asking me if I remembered certain memories that it was hurting him to have to remind me. I could see the pain in his eyes when I told him I needed space. I just couldn’t take it. It was too much, too soon. I did the only thing that felt right since the accident. I told him we needed to take a break. I wasn’t trying to hurt Colin in any way. I can see now that’s exactly what I did. The misery in his voice when he told me to call if I needed anything was enough to confirm it. I broke his heart. Maybe it wasn’t right to be so blunt about it. Maybe I could have eased into it better. I guess when I panic I tend to just spit things out and not sugar coat it. However, I need to do what is best for me, or else how do I ever expect to recover from all this?
I head toward the kitchen where my mom is making dinner and collapse into a chair at my kitchen table. “Smells great, Mom.”
Smiling at me, she places my favorite meal in front of me – penne with vodka sauce. “Eat up, dear. I’m sure you’re hungry after eating all that hospital food.”
I notice my mom set out two other plates, one for her and one for Colin I’m assuming.
“You can put one plate away. It’s just us.” I’m pushing my food around my plate and seem to have lost my appetite.
I look up from my plate and see a flash of disappointment in her face and I know this is going to be a long dinner.
“Where did Colin run off to?”
I brace myself for the dramatic side of my mom to come out as I begin to explain what had just happened. “He left. I told him I think it would be best to put our relationship on hold and that I wasn’t going to be moving in with him.” I lean back in my chair as my arms fall to my side feeling utterly exhausted from today’s events. What happens next is not what I expect at all. Especially from my mother.
“I’m sorry to hear that, I really am, and normally I wouldn’t meddle in your problems.” I shoot my mom an “are you kidding me” look. “Well, I do when I shouldn’t, but with that said, I think this is an appropriate time to meddle.”
“Mom, it’s never an appropriate time to meddle,” I say in a flat tone.
“Just hear me out. You don’t have to take my advice, but please just listen to it.” I nod my head as a sign for her to continue. “Colin is a good man. I know you may not remember that he loves you but he does. Everyone else, including me, can attest to the fact. I don’t think you should shut that poor boy out. What happened – the accident it’s just terrible and unfair. Unfair to both of you. I can understand and sympathize with you in this the situation. But, honey, you have to remember just because you don’t remember your feelings doesn’t mean his feelings for you have lessened. I’m not telling you to go move in with him and put that ring back on your finger, but I am asking you to at least try and be his friend. If you don’t feel comfortable giving him your heart right now then give him your friendship. Just please don’t shut him out. He doesn’t deserve that.”
I avert my eyes and look down at the table again. My mom was right. I feel horrible. I didn’t even ask if we could be friends. I just said we needed space and pretty much threw him out. That was unfair of me. My head starts to hurt and I need to clear it. There’s only one place I like to go to clear my head and that is the beach. I look at the clock on the wall. Seven thirty. Just enough time to catch a sunset.
“Mom, thanks for the advice and dinner, I really do appreciate both.” I put my elbows on the table and rest my head in my
hands. My mom rubs her hand on my back comfortingly.
“No problem, Addison. I’m sure your father is starving by now, so if you don’t need anything else I’ll head out. Keep your chin up and don’t worry, everything will come back sooner or later.”
I hug my mom and walk her to the door thanking her again for all her help today. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t ask for my mom’s advice. She may be overbearing at times but she’s a great mother and I’m lucky to have her. Closing the door behind her I take off my flip flops and head out my back door and down the patio steps to the beach. Why I would ever move out of this condo remains a mystery to me. I wonder why he wasn’t moving in with me.
The sun is about to set and it is just what I needed. No matter how ugly the world can be at times the sunset always remains beautiful. It’s tranquil and quiet, the only sound is the waves crashing on the beach. I get lost in my thoughts looking out at the ocean. I sit down and I feel something poking my leg in my pocket and reach in and pull out the diamond ring I was given back at the hospital. I totally forgot I still had it on me. Staring at the ring, I take in how stunning and elegant it is. It really is a nice ring and it looks like it would have cost Colin a fortune. It’s an antique-style ring with a hefty cushion-cut diamond in the center. I hold it between my thumb and index finger in both hands wiggling it back and forth allowing it to catch the last remaining light in the sky. The center diamond is surrounded by smaller diamonds which also go half way down the band on each side. You don’t go accepting gifts like this unless you truly love someone, right? Why can’t I remember him? If I loved him enough to be his wife, why is my brain blocking him out? I sigh in frustration and place the ring back in my pocket. The sound of a man’s voice stirs me from my thoughts.
“A penny for your thoughts?” he says.