It had been just over a week since her diagnosis, and today was her surgery day. Brant hadn’t left her side. After that night, even with her objection, he had gone home and packed up Max and some clothes.
The next day when she had woken up, she had a resolve that was great to see. She had called the surgeon and gotten an appointment, and he had gone with her to the consultation for the procedure. They were going to do a mastectomy on the left side, and even though Lacey said she would just do both, they refused to do that, saying that they would only do what they deemed necessary at that time. Once they got in there, they would take out some lymph nodes to see if there was any cancer in those. The results from surgery would dictate her care plan.
Brant was a nervous wreck, but he was trying hard not to let her see it. Her emotions had run the gamut over the last week, from pushing him away to not wanting him to stop holding her. She had been angry, then sad, then wanting to refuse treatment and just call it a day. After she had found out what procedure she was having, she had cried hysterically, saying over and over that he would never love her with only one breast. She didn’t understand that the love he felt for her wasn’t contingent on her having two breasts; he would love her with none. He wanted her, and that was it.
She had taken a leave of absence from work. He had been there when she told Dr. Jenkins, who was the kindest, most understanding boss he thought he’d ever met. He promised her job would always be there for her. Chloe, the only other person she confided in there, had been understandably shaken, and had been over to the house several times since then.
“Brant,” he heard his voice from around the curtain. He slid it open and saw the face he loved. Her head was covered with a hair net, and she wore a hospital gown. “They marked me, to make sure they get the correct one. I wish they would just take both.”
He put his hand on the side of her face like she liked, and she fluttered her eyes closed, turning her face to kiss the inside of his hand. “It’s going to be okay. They know what they’re doing.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to deal with this?”
“Doc,” he said, feigning impatience. “You need to hear it again?”
“You’ve only known me a month and a half, Brant. It’s a lot to take in at the beginning of a relationship.”
“That may be true that we’ve not known each other very long,” he started, “but I don’t need longer than I’ve had to know that I’m head over heels crazy about you. Okay? So it doesn’t matter if it was one month, one year, or one lifetime, it’s not too soon. I’m in for the long haul, Lacey. You can’t make me go away.”
“I’m not going to look the same,” she whispered, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. He wiped them away gently, then kissed each of her eyelids.
“Lacey,” he whispered into her ear. “Please stop doing this. You’re stunning. I’m not just saying that. I see you completely different than you see yourself. Your breast isn’t what makes you beautiful to me. And when they cut that bitch out of you and that cancer is gone, that will be the hottest damn thing that I’ve ever seen.”
She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck and running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. He loved when she did that. “I love you, Brantley Tucker, my GQ.” It was the first time she had said it to him. He had repeated it over and over, but she hadn’t been ready, he guessed. Hearing the words from her now, on one of the most difficult days of her life, made him want to stand on top of the hospital and shout. She loved him.
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that,” Brant teased, brushing his lips to hers. “You can spend forever telling me, okay?”
“Okay, you lovebirds, time to get Ms. Russell in there. She’s got some ass to kick today,” the pre-op nurse teased, starting her IV and readying her for the mask that was going to put her under anesthesia.
Brant kissed her hand and mouthed ‘I love you’ one more time. He then left his heart on the hospital bed as it was wheeled into the operating room.
Brant paced the private waiting room they were in; it was taking too damn long. Sam, Aubrey, and Chloe were all waiting with him. Sam’s husband Ellis had arranged a private room for them, since even Sam going to the hospital now resulted in her being harassed for autographs and pictures.
The door opened and Brant stopped, thinking it was the doctor. The man that walked in wasn’t a doctor, though. Aubrey gasped, and his gaze went from her to the man in the doorway. Then he saw it. The resemblance between them. It was Lacey’s dad. No way.
“Dad,” Aubrey cried, putting her arms around him. “Thank you for coming.”
Sam stared, her mouth partially open. “No way,” she whispered just loud enough for Brant to overhear.
“Any word?”
Aubrey shook her head. Brant knew he should go introduce himself, but he was finding it hard to move. The sight of Lacey’s dad made him angry. He hadn’t been there for her this whole time, and now he was going to show up?
He looked around the room, stopping at Sam. “Samantha,” he said. “Great to see you. It’s been a long time. Congrats on your success, and your new little girl.”
She smiled, but Brant could tell it was contrived. “Thank you, Craig. I’m glad you came here today. Lacey needs you. This is Lacey’s friend from work, Chloe, and her boyfriend, Brant.”
Craig’s eyes snapped over to him. “Boyfriend?”
Brant gritted his teeth, forcing a smile onto his face. He extended his hand. “Brantley Tucker, sir.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Tucker? You’re Robert Tucker’s boy?”
Great. Someone that knew his dad. “Yes, sir.”
“I’ll be damned. Haven’t seen him in years. We went to high school together.”
Brant nodded. He really had no desire to have small talk with Lacey’s dad. What he wanted to know was why the hell it took him this long to come support his daughter. He didn’t even know how he knew she was here, but he assumed Aubrey had convinced him to come.
Craig was a handsome man with dark hair graying at the temples, and a muscular body that showed he did something physical for work. Obviously Lacey and Aubrey got their good looks from somewhere. Brant knew that both girls got their striking eyes from their mother, but the dark hair and some of her features were all her dad. Lacey’s mom Kathryn had been petite, like Aubrey, and Lacey got the height from her dad.
“Thank you for coming, Dad,” Aubrey said, looking between Brant and her father.
Craig sighed. “I can’t believe she has to go through this, too. This would kill Kathryn, to see Lacey having to undergo the same pain she did.”
“Maybe you can be here for her through it and show her she does have a parent that loves her.” Brant slung the words from his mouth before he could even stop them. He wasn’t going to pretend that her dad was some wonderful guy for coming to the hospital.
Craig’s eyes met his, and they had a silent challenge, man to man. “I deserved that,” he said finally.
Brant crossed his arms in front of him, trying to tamper down the instinct he had to continue giving this guy a verbal lashing. “Are you going to be there for her through this? No matter how tough it gets?”
Craig looked at Aubrey, then back at Brant. “You’re in love with her.”
“Yes,” Brant said. “And because of that, I want to keep her from hurting as much as possible. So I’ll ask again. Are you planning to be here for her, no matter how hard it may get? Because she’s gone the last fourteen years without much support from you, and I won’t allow you to hurt her while she’s going through hell.”
“Family of Lacey Russell?”
The five of them turned, all conversation forgotten. Lacey’s surgeon, Dr. West, stood at the doorway. “She’s in recovery and the procedure went as planned. We removed all of the tumor as far as we know, and some lymph nodes to check them. She’ll be moved into her room within the hour, and can have visitors in a few hours. You won’t be able to stay long, and not ma
ny of you at a time. She needs her rest.”
“Can I stay with her?” Brant asked. “I don’t want her to be alone.”
The doctor looked at him, a knowing smile on his face. “Check with the nurses up there when you visit.” He left the room, and Brant fell into a nearby chair, his head in his hands. She had passed one huge hurdle. It was only up from here, right?
Lacey walked along the riverbank, enjoying listening to the birds tweeting in the trees, the water lapping the shore, and the people around them talking and laughing. She felt at peace.
“This is nice,” she said, swinging their clasped hands. “I’ve missed doing this.”
“Me too,” she answered. “But this isn’t where you belong right now.”
“What do you mean?”
She stopped, looking into the identical eyes she missed so much. “You’ve got to go fight, Lacey. This is just the beginning for you. I wish I could take it away from you, my love, but I can’t. You’re strong enough to endure this, baby.”
“I don’t think I am,” Lacey cried, gripping her hand harder. She didn’t want her to go away. Not again.
She nodded, smoothing her hair back from her forehead like she had always done. “Yes, you are. Don’t be scared. I’m always here for you, watching over you.”
“Why don’t I ever see you, though?”
She shook her head. “You can’t, honey. But I’m here, in everything you do. Stop thinking that you don’t deserve Brant’s love, Lacey. He was put in your life for a reason.”
Lacey blinked her eyes, trying to memorize every detail about her. “H-he was?”
She leaned forward, rubbing her nose with Lacey’s in an Eskimo kiss. “Everyone is put in your life for a reason, Lacey. He’s a good man. Stop shutting people out. When people love you, you have to let them.”
“Mom!” Lacey called, looking around. Where had she gone? Wait, where was she? The river was gone and she was blinking her eyes against a bright light.
“Lacey?” She closed her eyes, confusion making her head spin. She felt pressure, so much pressure on her chest. She knew that voice, though. “Doc, I’m right here. You’re out of surgery and everything went well.”
Everything flooded back to her. She just had her left breast removed because she had cancer. She wasn’t going to walk the river with her mother, ever again. That had been just a dream. Brant was here, stroking her hand as she fought with consciousness.
“Are you in pain? Squeeze my hand if you are.” Lacey squeezed gently, her eyes refusing to open again. “I’m going to get the nurse, okay? I’ll be right back.”
She felt him leave, and a tear leaked out of one of her eyes, running down her face and into her ear. Why did it feel like she was being crushed, and why wouldn’t her damn eyes open? She concentrated on breathing, the very motion of her chest going in and out causing pain. She felt like she was starting to panic, and she willed her eyes open again.
One eye cracked open, and she looked around. She was in a hospital room, with an IV pumping clear liquid into her veins and a sensor on her finger. The machine behind her beeped every once and a while, indicating she was still alive she guessed. She lost the battle with her eye, and it closed again, trying to suck her under. She wanted to wait for Brant to come back, but her traitorous body wouldn’t listen, and she succumbed to the exhaustion.
“I need to change your dressing before we go to the doctor,” Brant said, standing at the doorway to her room. She had been out of the hospital about two days, and today she was going for a check-up with the surgeon.
The pain had kept her down for the count for most of the last several days. She had a drain that someone had to clean out every few hours, and while at first she had refused to let Brant do it, he wouldn’t listen at all. The amount of disgusting things he had done for her since this started was mind baffling.
She knew he had been turning down modeling jobs, because in the few moments of lucidity she had over the last few days, she had heard him on the phone several times. Sam, Aubrey, and Chloe had all been here as well, but she honestly didn’t even know what day it was, much less who was there and when. She was very grateful for them, and was trying to take her mom’s advice to let the people that cared about her take care of her.
She had never been so shocked as to see her Dad standing next to her bed at the hospital. He hadn’t said much, only that he was sorry for not being there for her, and that he would help with anything she needed during her recovery.
“Can you sit up, Doc?” She nodded, and he held out his hand to help her. Her bedroom was covered with flowers, and other than Brant, it was the one thing that made her smile.
He unbuttoned her shirt to expose the gauze that surrounded her entire chest. She looked away, not able to make herself look.
“Ridiculous,” she muttered.
“What’s ridiculous,” Brant said, working to gently remove the gauze.
“You haven’t even gotten to have sex with me, and here you are, having to look at my non-existent breast. It’s just…” Tears sprung into her eyes, and she fought against them. She was sick of crying.
She felt his hands stop what he was doing and move up to her face. “Lacey Russell, look at me.”
She knew he was going to admonish her for what she said. But no matter what he told her, she knew that this had to be awful for him. She should’ve had sex with him back the night they had fooled around; at least then he would’ve gotten the pleasure of her whole, normal body. She slid her eyes to his as he waited for her to listen.
“Don’t do this,” he pleaded. “I know that this is terrible for you to endure. But don’t start saying stuff like that, okay? I was put into your life for a reason, and it wasn’t to worry about when or how I have sex with you. This is so beyond that. Don’t you feel the same, Lacey?”
He had just echoed what her mom had told her in the dream she had when she was waking up from her surgery. Did she believe that Brant was put in her life for a reason? She wasn’t sure. “I love you, Brant. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and wonder where in the hell your life went. I hear you on the phone. You’ve been giving up shoots to stay and take care of me. How long is that going to fulfill you, Brant? That’s your dream.”
“Lacey,” he interrupted, kissing her cracked lips gently. “Don’t you understand, Doc? You are my dream. Taking care of you is the most important thing I could do with my life right now. Modeling and photo shoots will always be there.”
“And I may not,” she answered.
“No,” his eyes flashed. “That’s not what I meant. Being here with you fulfills me in a way that nothing else can. I want to see you through this, and when you’re through it all and we’re on the other side of this, together, we’ll be indestructible. Because couples that go through things like this have a different bond than everyone else. Until you, I thought modeling was enough for me. Since you, I know that I was missing so much from my life. I was missing you.”
Lacey looked at him, into those eyes she loved so much, and she wished that could be true. She hoped that at the end of this he loved her still, and wasn’t a burnt out, overworked man that ended up with no career and no girlfriend.
“It looks good,” Dr. West said. “I’m going to bandage it differently now. You won’t need this huge gauze anymore. You’re draining well, and Brant is doing a good job keeping it clean. We’ll take the drain out on your next visit, as long as it looks as good as it does now.”
Lacey nodded, looking out of the window so she couldn’t see the reflection of her chest in any of the things in the exam room. There was no way she could look. She might not ever be able to look again.
“When do I get the results back from the lab?”
“Those will come from your oncologist. The office should call you once they have them.” She sighed. So many doctors. She couldn’t even remember all of their names.
“After we take the drain out, you’ll be able to shower again,” he explained. “How
’s the pain?”
“Getting better,” she admitted. “Under my arm is very painful.”
“That’s where they took the lymph nodes,” he explained. “It’ll make it difficult to use that arm for a while. If it doesn’t go away, we’ll have to do some physical therapy later. Don’t push it too hard. Just go at your comfort level. How are you doing otherwise? Psychologically?”
She sighed. The million dollar question. Was she going to crack under the pressure? “Well, Dr. West, I have cancer. Or had, we don’t know yet. I’m holding up at well as a mid-twenties woman can while dealing with losing one of her breasts before she ever had sex with the boyfriend that is spending his life taking care of her.” She couldn’t believe that she had just said that to her doctor.
“Lacey, all of your feelings are completely normal. It’s a lot to handle. Don’t feel like you can’t ask to talk to someone. You don’t have to deal with this alone. And from what I’ve seen from your boyfriend, I don’t think you have anything to worry about as far as he is concerned.”
“Right now,” she argued. “But how long is he going to want to deal with this? He has his whole life ahead of him. He’s really going places.”
“I think you’re underestimating his love for you. You have a great support system, Lacey. Don’t forget that. And if you keep having these feelings, let us know. We have some great therapists I can recommend.”
Unless the therapist could change the fact that she had one breast and may or may not be alive at the end of this horrible road, she didn’t need them.
“I want to get out of here,” Lacey said, coming out of her closet in a pair of jeans and her new standard, a button down shirt. She wouldn’t get dressed anywhere that there was a possibility of her seeing what she looked like. It had been almost two weeks since her surgery, and while she was physically feeling good, staying cooped up while waiting for the lab to call with the results of her surgery was killing her. But they had called this morning, and she was meeting with the oncologist later today. The prognosis on the rest of her life was coming today, and she wanted to pretend until then that she was just healing from surgery, not about to find out what her plan was now.
Finding Forever (Living Again #4) Page 14