“You already have.” I press my lips to his, and neither of us moves, neither of us breathes. I pull back and take him in under the blanched light of the moon. “Holt Edwards, you are a masterpiece. You are one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.”
“I think you’re pretty damn amazing, Iz. You’re the only gorgeous creature I see. And I love that you were storing up all of your wishes and dreams for someday.” He brushes the hair from my face. “I’m glad I’m part of that.” He drops a kiss onto my lips once again and lingers. “My turn, huh?”
“If you’re ready.”
“I am. I hope.” Holt starts in on a heartbreaking story I never expected to hear, and my insides wrack with grief for him.
Holt doesn’t think he deserves to be with anyone, ever. It’s like we’re the very same person. Can two people like us ever make things work?
I hope this confessional didn’t just damn our relationship to hell.
And a small part of me thinks it may have.
But both Holt and I have already been to hell and back—I don’t see why we couldn’t withstand one more trip together.
Holt
Two weeks later
For so long I held things close to the vest, so when it finally came time to open up it was like cutting myself loose from an anchor. I could see the light above on the surface—I knew there was good, clean air to fill my lungs with up there, and, as soon as I spoke the words to Izzy, I could feel myself corking to the top—breathing once again without anything weighing me down. After Izzy let her demons fly, I knew I could, too. We sat in that tin boat for hours after that just holding each other tight. It was a night I’d like to both remember and forget. It carved itself over our hearts, and the wounds sizzled as we poured out our grief. But, over the last two weeks, Izzy and I have been soaring higher than ever. I never thought I could feel so close to someone, still not sure I deserve to. That’s why Izzy is coming with me tonight to my mother’s house where I’ve called a family meeting. Bryson is home from his honeymoon, so I asked if he could drop by, too.
“Looks like they’re all here.” I say as we head on in.
“There’s Annie.” Izzy nods to my sister on the porch swing.
“Hey, girl. Whatcha’ doing out here?”
Look who I found, she signs with one hand while holding a white ball of fluff in the other. It’s the tiniest kitten I’ve ever seen—nothing but fur and bright blue eyes.
“Oh my, gosh!” Izzy lunges at the poor fuzz ball until Annie surrenders it. “Where did you ever find this gorgeous creature?”
Out back. Mom says I can’t keep him.
“She says she found him out back. My mom is allergic to cats, so she has to find him a new home.”
“Done,” Izzy says it so fast my head spins.
“Whoa, what if I wanted him?” I give a cocky grin.
“Well, if you do, then we’ll just have to share custody.” The whites of her eyes shine in the night as she gives a tiny smile.
“I guess we’ll just have to do that whole, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday—Thursday, Friday thing.”
“What about the weekends?”
“We’ll just have to work things out.” I drop a hot kiss over her lips, and the kitten purrs between us. “Or you could move in and save us both the hassle.”
Izzy gasps. The porch light frames her in from behind and makes her glow like an otherworldly being, like an angel.
Hello, Annie signs. I’m still here. She taps Izzy on the shoulder. And I think you should say yes. I still think you make a really cute couple.
“She says you have to, or she’ll hunt you down and kill you.”
Annie kicks me in the shin.
“All right, she thinks you should say yes.” I pull Izzy in until our stomachs touch. “She thinks we make a really cute couple.”
Izzy presses her lips together and nods. She never takes those quicksilver eyes off mine. My chest floods with relief. My dick perks to life just looking at her, and suddenly I wish we were anywhere but standing on my mother’s porch.
“You ready to do this?” She nods toward the house.
“I’m ready.” I give the beast a gentle scratch between the ears. “So what should we name the cat?”
“How about Happy?”
“Happy.” I let it settle in. “It’s perfect.” Happy is exactly the place I’m at these days.
We head inside with Annie and our new cat, Happy.
“Big bro.” Bryson socks me in the arm before yanking me into a half hug. He pulls Izzy into a quick embrace as well.
“Izzy!” Baya hops over.
Bryson and Baya are both as pale as the day they left, an anomaly after spending a solid week in the Caribbean. They went with Laney and Ryder. Rumor has it they only saw each other once, and that was at the airport for the flight home. Not that I could blame them. I don’t think I’d see much of the Caribbean either if Izzy and I were on our honeymoon.
“What’s going on?” Dad comes over to where we’re standing with Mom right on his heels.
“Let’s take a seat.” God knows we’re going to need it. We head to the sofas, and I pull Izzy in close. I don’t think I could have ever done this without her. Hell, I know I couldn’t.
Annie catches my eye. She’s so young. There’s no way I want her to hear any of this bullshit.
“Annie”—I start—“I’m not sure you should be here for this.”
Annie shoots Mom a knowing look before signing. I’m plenty old enough. I’m part of this family. I have a right to be here. Besides, I’ve already moved into my dorm. I’m not a baby.
“Fair enough.” I take one final look around the room at the lives I managed to screw up on a dime all due to some stupid bet I made back in high school. “I apologize to each of you in advance. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that something I did on a whim all those years ago would land us where we are today.”
“And where’s that?” Mom tilts toward me, curious as to where I’m going with this.
“Here.” I shoot a look to dad. “With you two divorced.”
“What?” Bryson leans in. “Dude, let’s go in the other room. Why don’t you run this past me first? I can help you with whatever it is you’re trying to do.”
“No, trust me. It’s better to just get this over with.” I tighten my grip around Izzy’s waist. “When I was in high school”—I look to my parents—“there was a weekend when I thought the two of you were away. Bryson and I were just hanging out here at the house, Annie was at a friend’s.” I swallow hard. “I thought”—tears come, and I’m quick to blink them away—“I thought Bryson was in the house. I went out to a movie with a bunch of people, and we all came back here. We were sitting on the porch, and I gave a hundred bucks to some girl that was with us and told her to go in and try to get my brother to sleep with her. We were all stoned out of our minds. It was stupid. I was stupid.”
“I don’t remember this.” Bryson shakes his head at me a second too long as if telling me to knock this shit off.
“That’s because—it turns out you weren’t here either. You took off with your buddies. It wasn’t you in the house.”
“Oh my, God.” Mom drops her face in her hands. “I remember that night.”
“The Master’s presentation?” Dad looks to Mom.
“Yes.” She looks to Bryson and Annie. “Your dad and I were invited to speak at an entrepreneurship program upstate. At the last minute, it was canceled.” Mom turns to me and shakes her head. “Honey, please, there’s so much more to that story. I don’t want you blaming yourself for something that was never your fault.”
“What’s the whole story?” Bryson is pissed and rightly so.
“I thought it was you, dude.” My voice cracks as I say it. I knew you wouldn’t go for her. I thought it was funny—one big joke.” I come to a stop because I hate where this goes next.
“You can do it.” Izzy blows the words in my ear along with a kiss.
“Okay. So the girl goes into the house, and about a half hour later Mom comes home and surprises the shit out of me. She heads inside, and I follow. The next thing I know, I hear screaming coming from upstairs. I run up to find Dad half dressed—Mom pissed as hell—and the girl I paid to hit on Bryson staggering out of the room, naked, with her clothes in her arms.”
The room stills. It’s all eyes on me. Maybe I should have put more thought into what I was going to say next.
“That’s it, and I’m sorry.”
“That’s not it.” Mom comes over and sits beside me. She wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in. “You’re blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault, Holt.”
“It is my fault. I paid her to go upstairs and do what she did.”
“I’m to blame.” Dad pipes up. He groans, massaging his temples. “Is that why you didn’t go to college?”
I don’t say anything, just take a deep breath instead.
“Holt, you’re bright,” Dad starts. “Imaginative—sometimes too much so. But if you’ve been beating yourself up over that for all these years, you’re also too damn hard on yourself.”
“I’m the one that blew this family apart,” I shout it a little louder than intended. Why the fuck can’t they see I’m the one to blame?
“I’m the one that blew this family apart.” Dad’s face turns red with rage. “I’m sorry. I apologize to each and every one of you. But I did this, Holt. Not you. If it makes you feel better, it wasn’t the first time I was unfaithful to your mother.”
“It was the last straw, and so I kicked him out.” Mom shrugs as if she’s indifferent to it now. “It’s over, Holt. It was over for me that weekend.” She pulls me into a tight embrace. “Oh, honey. It kills me to think you’ve suffered with this all these years.”
Bryson blows out a breath. “So why are you coming clean, now?”
“Izzy had to deal with her past recently, and I thought it best I do the same.”
Annie gives a brief wave to get my attention. I think you’re brave to have told us these things. Nobody wants you to walk around with that kind of weight on your shoulders. But I’m shocked you would take the blame for it. Didn’t it ever occur to you that it was Dad who made the final decision?
“I know. I know Dad had the final say.” I give Izzy’s hand a squeeze. “But, when push came to shove, I thought—” Crap. I didn’t know he had done it before. That might have changed the last few years of my life, but, in hindsight, I think I ended up right where I needed to be.
“You didn’t blow this family apart, Holt.” Dad comes over, and I stand as he slings his arm over my shoulder. “It was all my fault. I apologize for being anything less than the father you kids deserved. Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
“Always.” I pull him in and let the tears fall onto his shoulder. A weight had been lifted, like a tractor rolling off my chest, I can finally breathe again. I pull back and take him and my mother in. “I know you don’t want me to blame myself, but a part of me always will at least a little. You said so yourself, Mom, that it was the last straw.”
“There was already someone else,” Dad assures. “Believe it or not, I think you saved your mother from a lot more grief. It was best we parted ways when we did.”
Mom clasps his shoulder until we’re standing in a huddle. “Your father and I have always maintained an amicable relationship. At first, it was for the sake of you kids, but, now, it’s because we’re friends, and we always will be.” She pulls my head up gently by the chin. “You’re my son, and I love you. You did nothing malicious. You didn’t mean to hurt anybody. Please, Holt, forgive yourself. As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing to forgive.”
“I feel the same.” Dad touches his head to mine. “Let go of this. It’s my burden, not yours. You were never meant to carry this.”
Mom breaks out in a series of sneezes.
“I’d better get this little guy out onto the porch.” Izzy cradles the tiny creature in her arms.
“I’ll go with you,” Baya says, and Annie follows along.
Bryson steps up and slaps me over the shoulder. “Wish you would have said something. I knew there was something eating at you. I just assumed it was the fact you didn’t go to Briggs. You think you’ll go now?”
“I’m good with the bars.”
“Speaking of which.” Bryson turns to Dad. “We got approved for the loan. Holt and I can buy you out at the asking price.”
Dad lifts his brows, mildly amused. “How the hell’d you pull that off?”
“Got an outside investor to act as a silent partner.” He looks to me. “If it’s okay with you, Ryder says he’ll spot us the loan.”
“Ryder? That’s great.” I glance back to where Izzy was a second ago. Maybe I can get Laney and Ryder to spot the studio a loan as well? I know Izzy would die to have it.
We say goodnight, and Izzy and I hit the dark inky road with our new cat, Happy.
“You want to run by my place for while?”
“You mean our place?” Izzy’s eyes light up with a smile born of a thousand promises, and my dick perks to attention.
“That would be the one.” I steal a kiss as we drive off into the night.
A part of me is still convinced that things would have been a little different if I never started that tragic chain of events so long ago. But, in this case, I guess different doesn’t mean better.
The past no longer has a hold of Izzy and me.
We’re finally free, and we’re going home—together.
But there are still a couple of things I need to do before we start in on that happily ever after.
13
Letters and Thank You Notes
Izzy
Okay Dad—here we go, last one.
They say all good things must come to an end. I’m not sure I necessarily believe that, but, in this case, I think that might be true. I think it’s high time we start having real conversations with one another. I think it’s high time we share more than ink and paper together. I’d like to see us move our relationship into the verbal zone. Now that I’ve had time to consider it, asking me to write to you proved to be a brilliant move. In a strange way it’s as if you never left. I’ve always felt connected to you. I longed to sit down and write you each and every day. It was our special time. It was a season that I will cherish in and of itself because these letters that I thought were tiny tokens of my affection proved to be gifts to me, far more than you’ll ever know.
Thank you for that. Thank you for being in my life every single day whether in body or spirit.
I love you more than words can say. So glad I can tell you in person.
Thank you for coming back to us.
Signing off for the very last time,
~Little Bit, all grown up.
Sunday afternoon, Mom, Laney, and I order take-out and talk to the man we never thought we’d see again, my father.
“I hope you like the lemonade!” Laney pours us each a glass. “It’s my own recipe.”
Mom rolls her eyes. “Hon, there are only three ingredients in lemonade, but we appreciate the effort.” She takes a sip and makes a face. “Holy crap. You’re lucky Ryder’s pockets are lined with gold. This tastes like leprechaun piss.”
“Nice, mother.” Laney averts her eyes before taking a seat across from me.
Dad picks up Laney’s hand, then mine. “You raised two beautiful girls here, Momma. I’m proud of each one of you.”
“She did it all with the help of the studio.” I look to Mom and nod. She has to know how much it means to me—to all of us.
Laney clears her throat and nods toward Dad. “So what’s next for the two of you?” She means relationship wise, but she was nice enough to give them the out if they needed it.
Mom takes in a breath expanding the girth of her chest until her cleavage quivers.
“We’re taking things slow,” she whispers. “A lot of years have rolled unde
r the bridge. We’ll see if he can handle a woman like me.”
Dad lets out a deep-throated laugh and warms me to the bone because it’s the same laugh I remember from so long ago.
“I think I can take ya.” He winks at her. “The truth is”—he looks to Laney and me—“I made it clear to your mom before I went in that she was free. We filed for divorce as soon as they threw away the key. I didn’t think I’d ever get out, and I sure as heck didn’t want her to suffer because of my sins.”
“That man who died”—Laney says it just above a whisper—“did he have a family?”
“Mother, father”—dad blows out a breath—“no wife, two kids that were each with their own momma’s. He was a drifter. Your mom and I went out for a night on the town, and he decided she would look real good sitting on his lap, so he tried to make it happen. I stopped him with a sucker punch, and the rest was history.”
“His father hired an attorney that made sure your father fried.” Mom claps her hands together once. “And, thankfully, he was paroled.”
“What did you do before that?” Laney pulls her shoulders to her ears. “I mean, I don’t really know that much about you. We heard you took off—end of story.”
“I used to work the rail lines. I ran freight back and forth to the south. It kept me away a couple days a week, but it made coming home that much sweeter.”
“I remember the day you left.” Tears pool in my eyes. “You asked me to make sure Mom was never alone—to protect my little sister.” I nod. “And to write.”
His lips twitch somewhere between a smile and a good cry.
“Hang on—there’s something I’d like to give you.” I head to my room and speed back with the letters in hand. I hold them out as if I were offering a gift to the king, and in a way I am. My father was always my king, and our home was his castle. “I wrote you, Daddy.” I hand over the impossibly huge stack of letters, all of them bundled in colorful rubber bands according to year. “I wrote you every day. It felt good to do this. I felt like you were still here, somehow—that I was talking right to you. Do you remember what else you said to me that day?”
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