by Matt Cain
‘Well, you’re from Port Talbot, I remember you telling me that. What about your family?’
‘OK. I’ve got one sister who’s two years older than me, my mam runs her own hairdressing salon, and my dad’s a rugby coach for the national youth team.’
‘Oh right, so do you play rugby? Is that why you’re built like a brick shithouse?’
He laughed bashfully and tried to cross his legs but then remembered he couldn’t as his thighs were too chunky.
Lola couldn’t help noticing his thigh muscles bulging against the seams of his trousers and gave a giggle of delight.
‘Urm, I don’t know about that,’ he said, ‘but I do play for an amateur team, yeah. I wasn’t good enough for much else, I’m afraid – to my dad’s great disappointment.’
Lola detected a note of sadness and wanted to make him feel better. ‘Yeah, but he must be really proud of you now, being on telly and everything?’
‘Mmm, I don’t know. I still think he’d be much happier if I were playing rugby for Wales.’
‘Well,’ she chirped, looking him directly in the eye, ‘if you were doing that we wouldn’t have met, would we? And we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.’
‘No, I suppose not.’
‘So it’s not all bad, is it?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘it’s not all bad.’
She raised her glass and gave him another smile. She imagined how happy the two of them could be together and saw them cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning and laughing over boozy lunches in the pub.
He took a sip of his wine and his eyes sparkled. He imagined sliding his finger under the edge of her neckline and running it down to her cleavage as he massaged her bare shoulders with a flurry of kisses.
‘The scallops!’ The waiter reappeared and clanked their starters onto the table. ‘And the tomato soup.’
‘Thanks, mate.’
‘Thanks, darlin’.’
As he left they each nodded after him teasingly.
‘He’s got such a crush on you!’
‘No, it’s definitely you!’
Lola began eating but was so entranced by Freddy she barely tasted her food.
Freddy was so captivated by Lola he couldn’t concentrate on eating and immediately burned the roof of his mouth.
The two of them chatted away about the kinds of things they’d never discuss on camera. And the conversation was much more fun than any interview.
*
An hour later Lola was feeling slightly squiffy and nipped to the loo to check on her make-up. Sure, things had been going brilliantly so far but she didn’t want to start letting herself go. Freddy probably met female pop stars like her every day and he was so gorgeous she was sure they all flirted with him. As she reached into her bag for her powder, her phone fell out and she saw she had a new message. It was from Jake.
‘Lying in bed thinking of you,’ she read. ‘What you up to?’
Hmpf! He’s never asked me that before – he must have heard I’m on a date. He must be feeling jealous . . .
Sitting at the table, Freddy was feeling the first flush of a few glasses of wine. He wasn’t normally very romantic but wondered whether he should hold Lola’s hand when she came back. Sure, things had been going brilliantly so far but he didn’t want to overstep the mark. He texted his friend Rhodri for advice.
‘Hold her hand?’ came the instant reply, ‘I thought by now she’d be giving you a hand-job ;-)’
He smiled and decided to interpret that as a yes.
Lola smiled as she applied a little powder to her face. She couldn’t help feeling a swell of satisfaction at the discovery of Jake’s jealousy. He’s the one who keeps banging on about us not being boyfriend and girlfriend. Well let’s see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.
‘Sorry, am on a date,’ she texted him, suddenly flushed by a surge of adrenaline. She hadn’t thought about Jake for the past hour but now that she did she felt gripped by that all-too-familiar craving for him – a craving that only made her miserable but one that she felt powerless to resist. She imagined him lying in bed overwhelmed by jealousy about her date and soon became lost in fantasies about their angry make-up sex. Don’t think about it! Just don’t think about it! Despite herself, she began typing another line. ‘Might be free later if you’re around?’ She checked over the message and hit Send.
Freddy hit Exit, switched off his phone and slipped it into his pocket. As the waiter filled their glasses with the first of a new bottle of wine, Lola reappeared, her charisma so strong it almost entered the room a few seconds before she did. But Freddy could tell from her face something was wrong. She seemed distracted, like she’d just received some bad news.
‘Is everything all right?’ he asked as she sat down.
‘Yeah, course,’ she lied. She wondered what Jake would think if he could see her sitting opposite the most eligible news correspondent in the country. She looked at her watch – it was half past ten. There’d still be plenty of time for her to dash across town to Jake’s hotel if he replied to her soon. But she hadn’t felt her phone vibrate in her bag. She took it out and slipped it under her knee so she’d feel it straight away. She hoped Freddy wouldn’t notice.
Freddy noticed Lola check her watch and position her phone under her knee, presumably so she’d feel it vibrate. He wondered what had happened in the loo for her to suddenly lose interest in their date. She leant back in her seat and he felt a distance opening up between them. So much for holding her hand.
‘So tell me about this producer of yours,’ she began with no hint of the flirtation that had danced between them all evening. ‘I hope he’s not going to be trouble. Because I don’t want anyone upsetting my manager.’
‘Urm, yeah,’ he replied, ‘his name’s Spike. And he’s a really nice guy.’ He pictured Spike sweating and shaking at his desk that afternoon and remembered the look of self-disgust on his face as he’d told Freddy what he’d got up to the night before. Freddy didn’t want to lie to Lola but it wasn’t his place to tell her about Spike’s infidelity – and he didn’t want to risk that kind of revelation souring the evening. Not that it didn’t seem to be souring already. What on earth’s gone wrong?
‘I mean, he’s not perfect,’ Freddy went on carefully, ‘and he’s still quite young. But his heart’s in the right place – and he definitely wants to do the right thing.’
Lola cocked her head in suspicion. Hmm, that sounds ominous. ‘Well, just as long as he does,’ she frowned, ‘because you know how I feel about tramps.’
He managed to force a little laugh. ‘Yeah, don’t worry – I think I can remember.’
Who am I trying to kid? thought Lola. Banging on about tramps when all I can think about is Jake? She felt under her knee to check the phone hadn’t somehow slipped away. There was still no reply. He was obviously sulking with her because she was out with someone else. He was obviously ignoring her to try and make her feel guilty. Well, it was totally unfair – and she wouldn’t stand for it. She began thinking about how she could use tonight’s date to make Jake even more jealous. She could always send a quick tweet in the car home saying how much she’d enjoyed a lovely evening with a mystery man. That would get the journos twitching and it wouldn’t take long for one of them to work out who her date had been with. You never know, there might even be a couple of paps waiting outside. She knocked back half of her glass of wine and felt emboldened.
‘Would either of you like dessert or coffee?’ asked the waiter, stepping in between them.
Freddy jumped in first. ‘Yeah—’
‘Actually,’ Lola interrupted him. ‘If you don’t mind, I could do with getting going. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.’
She watched Freddy’s face sag in disappointment. Oh what am I doing? she thought. I’m so stupid, sitting here with a gorgeous guy who’s really nice and all I can think about is some total tramp who treats me like shit.
‘No, don’t worry about it,’ Freddy smile
d weakly, ‘I could do with getting going too. We’ll just have the bill, please,’ he said to the waiter.
Oh what am I doing? Freddy thought. I’m so stupid, sitting here with a gorgeous pop star and thinking she wants to be my girlfriend when she’s so obviously out of my league. He took out his wallet and insisted on paying the bill. It was the least he could do.
‘Actually,’ Lola said to the waiter, her mischievous look flickering back into life. ‘Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’
‘No,’ he replied, handing Freddy the card machine. ‘Go on.’
Lola looked at her date with a grin. ‘If you had to shag one of us two, which one would it be?’
The waiter squirmed and his eyes flickered onto Freddy. ‘Urm, that’s easy because I’m gay. So it would have to be Freddy. I’m actually a big fan – I always tape the news so I can watch your reports when I get home from work. And I loved that photo shoot you did in your rugby kit.’
‘Oh, thanks,’ Freddy smiled, remembering the half-naked shoot Spike had convinced him to do for Attitude magazine. Brilliant, he thought sarcastically, Lola might not fancy me but the gay waiter does. He handed him back the machine. ‘And I’m sorry if we’ve tormented you, mate.’
‘Not at all,’ blurted the waiter, obviously overawed to be speaking to his celebrity crush. ‘It’s been a pleasure, honestly.’ He began backing away slowly, not wanting to take his eyes off Freddy until he absolutely had to. Freddy nodded at him and gave a little salute.
Aw, Lola thought, he really is so lovely and I’m being such a bitch. Maybe I should tell him I just want to be friends?
All I need now, Freddy thought, is for Lola to tell me I’m lovely and she just wants to be friends.
They stood up and faced each other in silence.
Lola looked at Freddy and wished she wasn’t in love with Jake. She knew without a doubt that the man standing in front of her could make her happy and she hated Jake for sending the text and messing up their date. She hated Jake and she hated herself for being in love with him.
Freddy looked at Lola and wished he was sexier or more fun and then she’d fancy him. If she’d just give him the chance, he knew he could make her happy. But why would she do that when he was just a big, ungainly, ginger hulk who couldn’t even cross his legs properly? He hated himself for not being good enough.
‘Well,’ Lola said eventually, ‘get on with it then.’
‘Get on with what?’
‘Downing that glass of wine. I was right about the waiter fancying you – so you need to knock it back.’
He rolled his eyes and obliged. This is just what I need – a disastrous date and a stonking hangover in the morning. He held up his empty glass with a half-hearted flourish.
‘Atta boy!’ Lola sparkled. ‘And thanks for the meal, darlin’. It was fierce.’
‘Don’t mention it,’ he managed. He was about to suggest they did it again sometime but was frightened she’d say she didn’t want to. He held out his arm to guide her to the exit and followed her through the restaurant, trying not to notice as she picked up her phone and checked it for messages.
Lola thrust the phone into her bag. She couldn’t believe Jake still hadn’t replied to her text. The evening had started so brilliantly and now she just felt miserable. How dare he ruin things by pissing me around? Well, she’d show him. If he wanted to start playing games then she could play them too.
By the time they reached the lobby, the maître d’ had already signalled to Lola’s driver that she was ready to leave. ‘Although I’m afraid there are a few photographers outside,’ he explained earnestly. ‘Perhaps Miss Grant would like to leave by the back door?’
‘Oh no!’ she trilled, her eyes glistening. ‘I’m not bothered about a few pesky paps. Come on, Freddy, let’s go!’
She held out her hand and tugged him into the street before he had time to argue. She waited for the paps to spot her and then moved in to give him a kiss on the lips just as they were illuminated by a flurry of flashbulbs.
Take that, Jake!
Freddy was so taken aback he didn’t know how to respond – he’d been convinced Lola had been about to blow him out. And anyway, he could hardly launch into a full-on snog in front of a load of photographers. Before he had time to register what was happening she let him go. Now where did that come from?
He was still asking himself the question when Lola jumped into her car and it began to sweep away. So is she interested or not? If she doesn’t like me then why’s she just gone and kissed me in front of all those paps?
He shook his head and watched the car drive off into the distance.
Inside, Lola fastened her seat belt and told the driver not to take her home. There’d been a change of plan. She was going to pay Jake a surprise visit.
*
‘Well, this is a surprise,’ Harvey mouthed, staggering back onto a bench. They were in the square outside his flat as Spike had told him he wanted to talk – and he needed some air. Harvey had instantly known something was wrong but he hadn’t expected this. ‘What do you mean, you cheated on me?’
Spike sat down next to him and stared straight ahead. ‘I went out last night, I got proper wavey and I went home with some blonde geezer.’
Harvey folded his arms across his stomach as if reeling from a punch. ‘And do you like this guy? Do you want to see him again?’
‘No, man! That wasn’t the point, I swear.’
‘Well then what was the point?’
Spike took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. ‘I don’t know, blud. I really don’t know.’
Harvey stood up and began to pace the path in front of them. The news was almost too much to take in. Spike’s cheated on me. He’s actually cheated on me. He could feel every muscle in his body twisting into a tangle of shock, sadness and anger. He made Spike recount every last detail of the sorry story, the tangle of emotions inside him tightening at every turn. As he watched Spike’s mouth move, he couldn’t believe it was the same mouth that just a few days ago had uttered the words ‘I love you’.
A sombre silence fell between them. ‘I can’t believe it,’ Harvey said. ‘I just can’t believe it.’
Spike stood up and tried to take his hands. Harvey shook him off and turned away.
‘I’m sorry, Harvey. I’m so, so sorry.’
‘So is this it, then?’ he managed eventually. ‘Are you and me finished?’
‘No! At least I hope not, man. I’m really hoping you’ll be able to forgive me.’
Harvey let his arms fall to his side and looked out over the square. It was surprisingly warm for early September, although already most of the flowers were starting to die. On the other side of the lawn a young couple were sitting on a bench, the man’s arm wrapped around the woman as she nestled into him. They weren’t even speaking to each other, simply sitting there and savouring the experience of being in love. For these last few months Harvey had thought that maybe he too might be able to experience love, that he too might deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. Clearly he was wrong. And he hated himself for not being good enough. If only I weren’t so old and Northern and boring this would never have happened.
Spike moved round so he was facing him again. ‘What do you think, blud? Do you think you can forgive me?’
Harvey felt so overcome it was like he’d forgotten how to breathe. ‘I’m going to have to think about it, Spike. You’re just going to have to give me some time to think about it.’
But even as he said the words, he could think of nothing else. And his thoughts were giving way to a familiar feeling of self-disgust. A feeling that for years had compelled him to try and destroy himself with drink and casual sex. A feeling which had grown out of the disgust directed at him during his childhood, when his difference and sensitivity had led him to being roundly savaged as a freak or queer. A feeling which had left him unable to love himself or to ever truly believe he was deserving of love. A feeling he’d tried to fight with thre
e years of therapy and three years off the booze. But a feeling which now resurfaced with such intensity he couldn’t help thinking it must be part of him. Part of his identity. Part of his soul.
He knew that once his initial shock had subsided he’d be able to see that Spike had only gone out to sabotage their happiness because he was suffering from the same kind of self-disgust. Already he had no doubt that was the point of his actions last night, whether or not Spike himself could see it. But even so, how could he ever trust him again? He might not have meant to ruin everything but that didn’t change the fact that he had. Maybe Lola had been right about him. Maybe he was no better than Jake. And maybe Harvey had only gone and sought him out because three years of trying to fight his own self-disgust had failed – and he still wanted to punish himself for not being good enough. For not being right.
He looked at Spike and realized he was saying something. ‘I’m sorry, what was that?’
‘Oh nothing,’ he frowned. ‘Just that I’d probably better cut.’
‘Yeah,’ was all Harvey could manage. ‘Yeah. I’ll speak to you soon.’
Spike gave his arms a little flap as if he wasn’t sure how to say goodbye. ‘I still, like, love you, you know.’
Harvey flinched. ‘Don’t, Spike. Please don’t say that.’
Spike nodded mournfully and turned to slope away.
As Harvey watched him leave he couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. All this time I’ve been trying so hard to make sure Lola doesn’t get hurt, I didn’t realize I was going to get hurt myself.
He wanted to call Lola and tell her what had happened. He wanted her to put her arms around him and tell him everything would be all right. But he knew she was on her date with Freddy and he didn’t want to spoil it. He really wanted things to work out between Lola and Freddy, then maybe she could avoid Jake dragging her into the mess Spike had just dragged him into. So no, he wouldn’t call her.
Besides, she’d been a bit cold with him since he’d caught her and Jake together in Barcelona. The last thing he needed now was to listen to her expressing concern, holding back from gloating or saying ‘I told you so’ but insisting she’d been suspicious of Spike simply because she’d been looking out for Harvey and just wanted what was best for him.