by Dee Carney
“The kind that I understand.” He bit his lip to stop himself from saying more. From telling her that she didn’t have to understand because he did. That she didn’t live with the guilt. He did.
“If you want my help,” she said gently, crossing her arms, “you’ll have to do better than that.”
“I could have saved him.”
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When he said nothing more, she prodded him. “Go on…”
“He invited me out. He said he had something he wanted to tell me and wanted to know if I had time to take the boat out with him.” Jason faltered again, his throat squeezing tight against the memory, but Sabrina offered him no comfort. “Stop making me pull this out of you. I can’t help if you won’t tell me.”
“I didn’t go!” The words spewed forth, a geyser of pain and guilt. “I lied and made up some story. My last words to my brother were some lame-ass excuse for not getting on his boat just because I was feeling lazy and didn’t share the same passion he did. I just wanted to chill out and watch a game…and my brother died.” She watched him, her expression soft, but no words of comfort were offered. No placating pat on his hand or arm.
“Don’t you see?” he asked, because obviously she didn’t. “If I had gone with him…”
“You might be dead too.”
He blinked back surprise. “What?”
“If you’d gone, you might be dead too.”
“That’s not—”
“That’s one of a million different outcomes for that day if you’d gone. You might be dead too. He might have lived that day only to be struck by a bus on the next. Or he could have done the solo boating thing the next time he went out, instead.”
“But—”
“You’re sitting here so wrapped up in yourself, so full of egotistical pride, that you think you could have saved your brother—who, I might add, you’re not sure is dead—
when in fact, if your brother went out there to commit suicide, he obviously didn’t want saving.”
The longer she spoke, the more he was certain his lungs would collapse from the effort to breathe. She spoke with such casual intelligence, her well-meaning tone, that infuriating look of disbelief in her eyes, he knew she had no idea of what he spoke.
None. No one with a heart could just skewer him like that. She didn’t think Teddy was dead. She didn’t think he could have been saved?
Go to hell. The words teetered on the tip of his tongue, ready to roll off and sever what little relationship they had. They rocked back and forth, see-sawing on an edge. A never-to-be-recalled damning he wasn’t so sure he was prepared to face.
Sabrina blew out a breath. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Really, I am. If you believe your brother met a tragic end, then I’m more sorry. It’s obvious you feel some sort of responsibility for it.”
“Thank—”
“But,” she emphasized, “as cold as this seems, I can’t let your problems become my own. And trust me, I have my own problems. The fact he may or may not have reached 31
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out to me suggests your beliefs are right. But what does that mean for you, Jason?
Maybe a little bit of closure. At best, some sleepless nights that keep your mind turning.” Her head shook from side to side. “Regardless, I can’t be a part of it.”
“Then what do you think I should do?” he ground out. She was right. Of course she was. That didn’t stop him from needing her. If he could just get a message to Teddy, just make sure he was all right wherever he was…
“Go home, Jason. Live your life. Maybe your brother won’t come home one day, but I hope to God he does. I hope this message was for someone else, but some twist of the universe made it seem like it was meant for you.” Heart breaking, Jason studied her. Again, the compulsion to push her until she cracked, until she agreed to help in whatever way she could, teased him. They could even do things the easy way. Her way. Or, if she forced him to, he could apply a little pressure.
He knew nothing about this woman, other than what he gleaned from a few hours together, and from vicious rumors spread by those who didn’t care if they got back to her. Then again, despite why they’d done it, there was a smoking-hot kiss holding back a frustrated rage.
No. Best to keep things civil. He didn’t know if he needed her. Not yet. Not for sure.
“I wish you could tell me for certain that my brother’s alive, Sabrina. I’d give anything, anything, for that confirmation. For the past two years I have agonized and analyzed and scrutinized what we’ve done, making sure we have turned over every leaf, uncovered every possible clue, contacted any and every possible person to make certain we haven’t missed a thing. Not one thing. It took me months to get over the realization he’s not coming back.” He moved into her personal space. “Now that I’ve finally accepted it, don’t you dare tell me to drag that hope back up. I can’t live through it again.” His voice cracked, but he didn’t try to clear through it. “I can’t.” She exhaled. No backing up. No sign she would be intimidated by him. “I’m sorry about the loss of your brother and shouldn’t have implied he’s not gone. But I have no room in my world for anyone else’s self-pity. Your problems are not my problems.” Sabrina looked pointedly at the door. “If you want to leave that paper with me, I’ll see if I can find something of interest in it besides names. Otherwise, I have a busy day ahead of me.”
Clearly dismissed, Jason stood. He snatched up a nearby ballpoint pen and pulled one of the unused napkins toward him. Writing, he said, “Here’s my number. Use it day or night if you find something.”
She took it, but he sensed her reluctance. “Thanks for breakfast, Jason.” He moved toward the front door, the only possible link to his brother lying with a woman who had no vested interest in helping him. Turning, he took in the sight of it and her one last time.
“Day or night,” he said. Please.
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Chapter Three
She never called. Over the next few days he thought often about knocking on her door just to say hello. Maybe slip in an innocent query or two. Some combination of machismo and personal pride kept him indoors and away from his neighbor. It didn’t stop him from peering through the peep hole if he heard a noise in the hall, however.
That yielded nothing as well. Well, except raising his stupid factor a few notches.
Shrill ringing next to his ear woke him almost a week later. Thoughts of Sabrina or Teddy or even Kelly nowhere near his consciousness.
His eyes stuttered open and a dream, some fuzzy nonsense about an island vacation, whisked away in an instant. The phone rang again and his brain managed the command to move his arm. Grabbing it on the first try was another matter. After a little fumbling, he finally managed to grip the receiver. “H’lo?”
“May I speak with Jason Raines, please?”
The woman’s voice was pleasant, but firm. Definitely professional. A cop, maybe?
He didn’t recognize her. “This is him.”
He or him? He never got that one right.
“My name is Laura and I’m calling from Mercy Hospital ER…” Jason bolted upright, all traces of sleep vanished. His post-rest heart rate tattooed like he’d just run a marathon. Before he could voice his concern, she continued, “Please don’t be alarmed.
This is not an emergency. We got your number from one of our patients.”
“Who?” One of his parents? His brother?
“We’re about to discharge Sabrina Turner, but need someone to send her home with.”
He frowned. Why the hell would they call him about Sabrina? “Wait… Is she all right?”
“Yes sir, she’s fine. The doctor would just prefer not to send her home alone this time. We’d hate to see her rebound and have to come back again.”
“Again?”
She hesitated. He knew a little about those privacy laws healthcare professionals had to follow these days, but since she call
ed him, Sabrina must have given some sort of permission already. “She’s here every couple of months. Once in a while, twice in a night though… Uh, can I ask your relationship to Miss Turner?”
“We’re uh…” Neighbors sounded too cold. Lovers not even close to true.
Confidants didn’t work either. “Friends.”
Another lie, really, but she didn’t have to know.
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“Can we release her to your care?”
“Of course.”
He hung up the phone and wiped a hand down his face, scraping against a night’s growth of stubble. Laura hadn’t provided any details on what brought Sabrina to the hospital, and his curiosity gnawed at the back of his mind. Well, they’d all have to deal with him unshaven and unshowered. No coffee either? They’d be lucky if he made it down there in one piece and coherent. Pure adrenaline kept him functional right now.
It took less than twenty minutes to arrive. Once there, he paid the cabbie and trotted through the sliding doors. He had to blink against the bright glare of lights once inside. Some people called the distinct, disinfectant aroma of a sterile hospital off-putting, but he appreciated the sense that no germs would find safe haven here.
Between the fluorescent glow ready to shine down on a single speck of dust, and the bleach vapors strong enough to provide a nice little buzz, he had no doubt that whoever ran this place indeed believed cleanliness was next to godliness.
Signs pointed the way to the information desk and once there, he followed the directory toward the ER. As with the car drive over, during his trot down the pristine tiled floor he kept turning over in his mind why Sabrina would call him of all people.
He passed a bank of empty slots where gurneys presumably went. Myriad electronic equipment, hoses and tubes of all types hung in various locations along the walls. IV poles, spare linen stacks and carts of even more supplies formed neat lines along the way.
“Excuse me, but I’m looking for Sabrina Turner,” he said to a woman walking by in scrubs.
She turned toward an area where curtains kept the occupants in privacy. Beneath the hems, he saw efficient movement by feet of several people. A few of the “rooms” only had one set of legs, so far as he could tell. She pointed. “In bay one. The set of curtains at the very end.”
He thanked her, picking up speed. He pushed through the pale-green curtain, and came face-to-face with a round-faced young woman sitting in a chair reading a book.
She looked up at him, the surprise in her expression probably an exact match to his.
“Oh, excuse me. Sorry,” he mumbled. His feet wouldn’t back up fast enough.
She put down the paperback and started to rise. “Can I help you?”
“Sorry,” he said, halfway through the partition. “I was looking for…Sabrina?” He’d almost missed her, sitting in another chair opposite the woman. Dressed in a simple t-shirt and a faded pair of pants, she didn’t look worse for wear. In the small space, he only needed three steps to reach her. Crouching, he touched her knee. “Hey, what’s going on?”
She dragged her gaze from some spot on the floor she’d been studying to regard him. Then her head tilted, as if she couldn’t quite make out the words someone said to her, only no one was speaking.
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Jason looked to the woman who he now realized wore a black pair of scrubs, the white badge on her chest too far away to read. “What’s wrong with her?”
“Um, I’ll have to get the nurse for you. I’m just supposed to sit.” Sit? What did that mean?
He paid little attention to her hasty exit, and tried to get some sort of reaction out of Sabrina. Lifting his hand to stroke her cheek, he tried again. “Sabrina? It’s Jason. What’s going on?”
A little sigh escaped her mouth and she leaned into his touch. Anyone who walked into the room this very second might have assumed they’d interrupted an intimate moment. He almost believed it himself.
The skin of her cheek was soft, fleshy and a flash of memory reminded him of her smile. The way her cheeks rounded and pulled a similar smile from him. For a second he thought about tracing over her cheek and running his fingertip over her ear. Maybe cup her head between his hands and stare into those beautiful hazel eyes.
In this moment, she looked young. Innocent.
Beautiful.
On one hand that thought surprised him, but on the other, didn’t. Yes, he’d given in to a kiss with her, another intimate moment taken advantage of. But in retrospect, he realized he couldn’t be certain if he truly found her attractive. Of course some men would, but she wasn’t his type. For one, she was black. Dating outside his race had never crossed his mind, the reception they would receive by his family questionable.
The thing about it was kissing her just about blew him away. But that night, it had been natural. She pressed her mouth to his and he just let himself enjoy it. His body responded in the only way it knew how around a woman who stoked his lust.
Her lips moved, bringing him out of reverie. Leaning closer, he tried to listen. The words escaped him and he leaned closer still, bringing his ear so close to her mouth, the hot brush of her breath sending a shiver through him.
“Home,” she whispered softly.
He pulled back. “I’ll take you home. Let me find the nurse, okay?” Nothing in her glazed eyes indicated she heard him. Her lips continued their insistent movement. Now he recognized the single syllable they formed. The same word, “home”, repeated over and again.
As if on a cue, a gaunt woman with a horselike face pushed through the curtain.
“Are you Mr. Raines?”
“Yeah, I’m Jason. Laura?” He rose and extended his hand.
She nodded, gripping his hand in hers. The young girl in black entered and resumed her previous post across from Sabrina. “Can you tell me what’s going on here?
She won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he said.
Laura’s eyes narrowed. “How well do you know Sabrina?” For some reason, her tone put him on the defensive. “How well do you?” 35
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Her eyebrow arched, but she ignored his question. “Sabrina’s been off her meds again.”
What kind of…ah. The voices. So all the rumors about her hearing voices had a ring of truth to them after all. Maybe “hearing the dead” actually related to a medical diagnosis.
Who to believe though? Sabrina or the nurse?
“Listen, we need to know if there’s someone who can guarantee she’ll be taking the meds prescribed to her. One day something bad’s gonna happen, and she’ll end up in jail or worse, instead of here where we know her.” Her hand slipped into her pocket and retrieved a slip of paper. “She’s got to take these medications. Can you convince her?”
He glanced at the prescription she just passed to him. “I…” Don’t know her like that.
Did he really want to take on this woman’s problems? Out of the clear blue someone expected him to ride up like some kind of knight on a white steed and rescue her. But that wasn’t him.
Shit. Wasn’t this the same thing he’d asked of Sabrina over a week ago? “I’ll get her home. That’s where she wants to go.”
Laura stopped short of rolling her eyes. “That’s always where she wants to go.
Before getting her there, please stop and get those meds filled. Follow the directions and make sure she’s taking them.”
Sabrina paid no attention to their exchange, her mouth still forming that same precious word. Her balled fists clenched tight against he didn’t know what. Eyes squeezed shut, she writhed in the chair, her expression twisting against some sort of torment.
She didn’t look as if she should go anywhere, but he’d have to trust their judgment.
Then again, he had to wonder still… Why him? “Did she give you my number to call?” A flash of guilt softened Laura’s long face. “Uh, no.”
“How did you get it then?”
&n
bsp; “Mr. Raines, we’re short-staffed. We could keep a sitter here for a little while, but she’s needed elsewhere. Sabrina isn’t a danger to herself, per se, but she shouldn’t be left alone. As such, I made an executive decision.”
“An executive decision?” The woman was giving him little to work with.
“Yes, I went through her purse to find a cell phone or an address book or something. I didn’t find any of those things, but did find your number on a balled-up piece of paper.”
Mystery solved then, but it made him angry. “Is that really your decision to make?
To call up random numbers and hope one of them sticks?” Laura’s stance widened, her sensible shoes planted firmly on the ground. “If that’s what it takes to ensure her safety, yeah, it is. Sabrina is a nice lady with a bad lot in life.
If she’ll take her meds, she’ll be fine. If she ends up in my ER again, I’ll know you’re not 36
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the person I should have called. And believe you me,” she said, hands on hips, “I won’t make the mistake twice.”
She would have bore a hole in the middle of his forehead if she could. Jason hated to drag his attention away from her and admit defeat in this standoff, but dropped his gaze to look at Sabrina again. If she had any idea of the turmoil surrounding her, he couldn’t tell. She was lost in her own world.
He held his hand out. “C’mon, Sabrina,” he called softly. “Let’s go home.” He couldn’t stop looking at her on the drive there. What was going on in her mind?
She didn’t answer even the most simple questions, just kept up the incessant conversation with some person or persons he couldn’t see.
Laura suggested trying to anchor her back in the real world by talking to her until the prescription could be filled. Since she hadn’t been dangerous, but coherent enough, they had to honor her refusal of medications dispensed by the hospital. He didn’t though, she reminded him.
“Get her those meds. Her mind will never come back and stay in the world of reality without them.”