by EJ Valson
As the conversation with Violet began to slow, and her lulls in chatting became longer and longer so she could eat, I began looking around the cafeteria at the other children. Several youngsters had visiting moms and dads with them, and I enjoyed taking in their expressions as they, too, watched their children eat. Their eyes were bright with excitement. When their child wasn’t looking, though, their faces turned somber—as if they wished that they could spend the whole day with them and not just these twenty minutes. I knew exactly how they felt.
The two dads I saw were my favorite. They had both stopped for lunch on their way to the school and had bags of fast food sprawled out before their children. These children, one boy and one little girl, had downed their meal quickly and were showing off the toys they had received. The fathers seemed proud to have provided their kids with something that made them the hit of the table. I thought about how long I had spent preparing Violet’s lunch and was a little jealous that they had taken the easy way out.
Last night and this morning, I had packed Vy a sandwich, which I cut into triangles for her small hands. I sprinkled her apple slices with lemon juice so they wouldn’t turn brown, and had pre-opened nearly everything so she wouldn’t have any trouble when it came time to eat it.
Maybe I would opt for chicken nuggets and fries one day, too. Violet would like that.
My eyes eventually wandered around to the teaching assistants scattered around the room. There was at least one woman hovering around each table sssh-ing children and prompting them to finish their meals. I smiled at the lady who was circling the table nearest to me; I wanted to smile at everyone I saw—I was so full of contentment.
My cup overfloweth, I thought sentimentally as I observed the room filled with youth and animation. I had never seen the woman I smiled at before, but I could tell by her blue lanyard that she was an assistant and not a teacher. Teachers wore green.
When I flashed a smile at her, she gave absolutely no response at all. She didn’t scoff, at least, she simply didn’t acknowledge me in any way. She looked over me as if I didn’t exist, even though I was sure that her eyes had met mine.
Not taking much offense to it, since she didn’t know me, I searched the room for other people to share my overflowing happiness with.
The boy named Jason sitting next to us had his hand raised, and the thunderous lunch lady made a beeline for him. She shot a furtive look at me from under her thick glasses on her way to the boy. When I beamed at her, I was certain I had seen that she was displeased with me. There was an appearance of suspicion shooting from the corner of her eye as she moved past me. Two for two. My excited buzz was quickly wearing off as I hadn’t seen one friendly face directed my way yet.
I decided to turn my attention back to Violet for the short remainder of the lunch period. When I did, I was rewarded by her warm gaze that seemed to say Mommy, I don’t know much about this place, but I love it.
After her class was finally dismissed (they were the last to leave because they had the most talkers) Violet kissed me hurriedly and raced to the playground. She was hand in hand with her new friend Chelsea and they walked as fast as they could without running, being careful under the watchful eye of the teachers in the hallway.
By the time they reached the end of the long hall, they were whispering and giggling frantically. Vy stopped at the exit to the playground, twirled around, and gave me a quick wave. Just once. A single wave, and she was out the door.
My chest ached a little in her absence, but knowing that she was happy made it bearable.
“Thanks for that, Charlotte.” I sighed happily into the radio.
“Anytime,” she answered almost immediately. “Meet me in my office,” she added.
I faced the end of the hallway opposite the playground and headed for Charlotte’s office. My feet had a little trouble carrying me away from the direction of the playground, but I managed.
Nearing the corner that would take me out of the lunch hall, I looked back toward the exit Violet had bolted through. It seemed so far away. I knew I wouldn’t see her still standing there, but a tiny part of me hoped that I would.
Instead, I noticed two women standing quite close to each other, talking quietly. They were dressed in bright skirts and equally colorful cardigans. Each of them had on a green lanyard, and they were both staring at me. They looked away quickly when I caught their eyes, but before they had averted their gaze, one of them had been pointing at me. It was a nonchalant kind of point, a gesture you would use with a friend in saying “Yeah, that’s her”.
I blushed and took the corner quickly. Too quickly—I almost ran into the wall. I straightened my shirt, a habit when I’m nervous, and disappeared toward the office. The ladies’ small act had made me uncomfortable and embarrassed, but I decided to feed off of Violet’s infectious energy and blow them off.
They were probably just pointing out the new girl to each other, and betting on how long it would be before I messed something up. And they were most likely laughing to each other now, since I nearly knocked myself out with the wall.
Walking through the door of Charlotte’s office was tough. I wanted to run down the hall and join Violet on the playground—smacking those ladies as I went; and I wanted to tell them that it’s not polite to point.
It wasn’t until I shut Charlotte’s door behind me that I saw Claire sitting in a large, awkwardly placed chair over to the side of the office. She was perched delicately on the edge of her seat with her ankles crossed. I had already forgotten how strikingly beautiful she was, sitting there in her old jeans and worn shirt. I hadn’t thought much about her after we’d parted, my thoughts had soon after been filled with Violet. But now that we were in the same room I felt it hard to keep my eyes from her.
Her face was so innocent, like that of a child, and her beauty was just as non-threatening as it had been this morning. I wasn’t jealous of her splendor, as I had been earlier today. I simply wanted to study her every feature. I wanted to try to pull my hair up into a messy bun—as hers was now—and have the stray pieces frame my face wistfully in that way. I wanted to be that gorgeous with no makeup on. And I was fighting the urge to go to the second hand shop and buy a shabby old t-shirt and some ratty jeans so I could be modestly sexy like Claire. After a quick mental check of my hips and thighs, I realized I wouldn’t be able to pull off an ensemble like that quite as effortlessly.
Claire eyed me as I stepped up to Charlotte’s desk. She grinned infectiously and patted the seat next to her. I took the folding chair she had tapped and scooted it closer to her. Strangely, it felt like a natural action, moving the chair as close as it would fit next to hers. She leaned over the arm of her wingback and launched into questions about my lunch with Violet.
How did she know about that, I wondered. Right, I immediately answered myself, the walkie talkies.
As we talked lightly—and quietly, Charlotte was deeply invested in a conversation on the phone—I examined the room. The few chairs that were normally in this room, two wingbacks and a spare stool, were joined by several folding chairs and a plastic lawn chair. It looked as though an impromptu meeting had been held in here. Of course they would have a meeting while I’m at lunch with my daughter. Everything else was secretive around here, I would probably be the last to know about everything. New girl at the bottom of the totem pole.
Oh well.
“All right girls . . .” Charlotte startled us out of our quiet chattering. We both sat up straight, as if we were students being called to attention.
“Erin,” she continued. “How’s it going this morning?”
Unintentionally, and probably because I had been gabbing with Claire like a schoolgirl, I burst into an overview of the morning and my lunch with Violet. She smiled silently and let me get it all out. When I had finished with every detail, including the awkward moment with the two ladies in the hallway, I closed with: “Thank you so much for letting me eat lunch with Vy. It was amazing to get to talk to her.”
I sat back, then, and sighed breathlessly.
“Sounds like you’ve been keeping busy, and having fun,” she said.
You’ve been keeping me busy, I was thinking as I recalled my wild goose chase for nametags that didn’t exist.
“Claire and I,” she motioned to my newest friend, “have been talking about you.” She left the subject hanging uncomfortably, probably enjoying the bubble of emotions I was experiencing at her statement.
“Uh-huh,” was all I could say.
She smiled.
“We have someone else we’d like you to meet.” Claire beamed. I didn’t think her mouth would stretch any further over her perfect teeth.
“Your next assignment is to go meet with our school counselor. Well, she’s sort of an honorary counselor.” Claire’s eyes were twinkling as Charlotte spoke, though this time it didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary. I was beginning to think they always did that. “You may then spend the rest of the day keeping busy in Violet’s classroom.”
I was noticeably jazzed by the latter part of her instructions, and was also happy to meet another new person. It wasn’t in my nature to look forward to meeting someone new, but if Charlotte and Claire thought it would be a good idea, then I would surely like her.
“Okay,” I shrugged.
“She’s amazing,” Claire chimed.
“She is one of the most important people at this school,” Charlotte informed me. I listened thoughtfully, soaking in what I could about this prominent member of the staff. Something about the way Charlotte had said “important people” made me think of Elizabeth Asch again. And I wasn’t quite sure why.
“We all think you have great potential,” my boss added. All? So it was me they were discussing in the spontaneous meeting in this office. “And she will be able to help you discover it.”
Her words were very confusing, as if they had a hidden meaning. I knew Charlotte to be a very literal person, quite unable to disguise a hidden agenda, and now my curiosity was piqued again. I nodded, not knowing what to say to that, and looked at Claire. She stroked my arm reassuringly.
“You’ll love her,” she told me. “We all do.”
“Yes,” Charlotte said, smiling. “We owe her a great deal.”
And with that, the conversation seemed to have come to an end.
Thinking about spending the rest of the day in Violet’s classroom was severely overshadowing meeting someone new, but I did what was asked of me and visited the honorary counselor. I decided to try very hard to learn as much as I could from her this morning, even if it cut into my Violet time.
Hmmm.
I was certain Charlotte had said Third door down on the left, but I hesitated—having a brief moment of panic. She had never actually told me the woman’s name, which left me frantically searching a hallway full of fancy nameplates affixed to a row of office doors. After re-searching my brain for a name I knew she hadn’t mentioned, I traipsed back to the end of the cramped little hall and started counting.
One. Two. Three. Here’s hoping.
I rapped lightly on a wooden door labeled A. Dane, tracing its ornate design with my finger as I lowered my hand. The door was a beautifully carved work of art, and didn’t seem to fit in with rest of the doors. The generous chunk of wood would be better suited as the front door of an up-scale home in an old neighborhood. It looked quite out of place in its surroundings, which all screamed “new construction”. The woman in the office must have very particular tastes.
“Come in,” a friendly voice mused from inside.
I turned the knob, slightly heftier than the others in the corridor, and stepped inside. Ignoring the fact that it was like stepping into another genre, I made my feet move forward. Soon I was standing in front of the biggest desk I had ever seen, behind which sat the tiniest woman I had ever seen. She was pleasant looking, and stood up quickly when I entered the room.
“Erin, I presume?”
Her voice was careful, but agreeable. Her words were measured, and somehow she seemed older than she looked.
“Yes ma’am.”
EIGHT
There was positively nothing remarkable about my visit with Miss Dane. She made small talk for a half hour, then glanced at her watched and politely dismissed me. During this time, I gathered what I could of her personality and decided that I liked her. There were a few points in the conversation when I felt as if she were studying me, as well, probably trying to decide what to make of the new girl.
I spent the remainder of the day in Violet’s classroom and loved every minute of it. Every time Mrs. Autry sent me to make copies or retrieve something for her, I hurried so I could get back to the classroom as quickly as I could. At the end of the day, I monitored restroom breaks in the hall and assisted the car riders out.
As I loaded the last kid into a green pickup, I spotted my car in the parking lot. There was a very handsome man propped up against it, smiling. I grinned hugely at my husband, who was standing with his arms crossed and one foot resting on the side of the car. He looked like he belonged in a jeans advertisement in a catalog.
Ten minutes later, we were climbing into the car with him. Violet had so much to say that she could barely keep up with herself, and I was content to keep quiet and listen. I hadn’t realized until I fastened my lap belt how worn out I was. Worn out was an understatement, actually. It felt as though I’d had my brain turned on overdrive all day, and then suddenly had it shut off completely. My body had gone into shock – numb and sore at the same time – and my mind was fried.
The very end of the day in Violet’s room had consisted of breaking up several fights between some rowdy boys. I had no idea that five year old boys were so strong, but I was certainly feeling the breadth of their strength now in my shoulders and back. Apparently they’d had enough of school by two thirty, were very tired, and decided to take it out on each other. It had taken both Mrs. Autry and I to pull them apart.
I stared out my window, processing interesting bits of my first day, while Violet filled John in on her own experiences. The short drive home was over before I’d had time to come out of my exhausted stupor, and I yawned uncontrollably as we pulled into the driveway.
The remainder of the evening passed in a blur. John picked up Italian food for dinner, which we scarfed down at five. And nearly every member of both of our families called to talk to Violet, hoping to be the first one to hear about her big day.
Vy and I crashed around eight, and I noticed that John crawled into bed around eleven. Rolling over and kissing him was all I could manage, then I was immediately unconscious again.
Friday came . . . and vanished.
John had surprised me by taking an extra day off from work, so he dropped us off again and played homemaker for one more day, which he seemed to really enjoy.
I reeled through the school day at an incredible pace. It seemed as though everyone had a use for me on my second day, though most didn’t appear to know my name.
Lunch duty.
Copies.
Assist the yearbook planner.
Dinner at five.
Asleep by eight.
Then came Saturday . . . oh, sweet Saturday. Saturday morning in silence. I embraced the quiet with each of my senses one at a time. Leaving my lids closed, I listened to the still morning. There was nothing; must be early. No morning cartoons, so Violet was probably still snoozing.
I stretched my limbs out in a wide “X”, feeling my muscles and noticing that I felt remarkably rested. Like I had run my poor body ragged for two days in a row and then slept for a whole day. It was wonderful.
I felt again with my arms, which only found sheets. No John. I pulled my eyes open as I sat up on my elbows and noticed the bed was indeed empty, and the bedroom door was closed. Strange. We never closed the bedroom door.