by EJ Valson
Throughout the interview, it is revealed that this man’s brother, named Jesus, lost his way in time too. He claimed to be thrown back into a time that was not his life, just as I had. He was separated from his children and his pregnant wife to live in another life. He woke up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and went home to find it empty. No sign of his wife or children. Nothing that resembled his life at all. And when he went to the bathroom, he saw his face at the age of eighteen.
At first his brother, the man on the camera, thought Jesus was crazy, as he was also a young man and had been living his life as normal. When his brother came to him with this tale he believed he either drank too much or had lost his mind. But when they went to see a village doctor, a spiritual doctor, there were details of his story that started to make them question whether his tale was a lie, a hallucination -- or real.
After convincing his brother and the doctor that he was telling the truth about his future, the doctor found a special serum to take Jesus back to his life with his wife and children. Though I couldn’t understand that words the man on the camera was saying as he told his brother’s story, I could see emotions of sadness and helplessness cross his face.
His brother wasn’t the first of his people to have this journey. There is an ancient belief in their culture that a soul who is indecisive may find itself in limbo, in between two places and thrown through some type of a wormhole, if not careful. Jesus was not the first. I’m not the first, and we may not be the last.
My jaw drops as he tells how Jesus prepared to travel through the two worlds, back to his life. How they planned it so carefully, and how Jesus went limp after drinking the potion the doctor had made. They thought he had died.
If it worked, they had expected time to freeze where they were and for him to continue in his future. No one would be harmed. No one would be able to recall any of the events, except for Jesus, as that was what had happened to others.
But Jesus woke up. And when he woke up he was confused and scared and told them how he mistakenly made the wrong choice and he fell right back into the time when he was eighteen again. He spoke of a strange dream-like place, where he was presented with options and if he made the wrong choice, he risked not going back to his life with his wife. Somewhere along the way, he chose poorly and therefore woke up again in the same place.
Jesus was devastated and depressed, and the more time that passed, the less he engaged in living. He stopped talking about his wife and children. He became quiet and wouldn't speak to anyone. He is now practically mute, with the exception of occasionally saying only one word -- “agua.” Water. He later became known as 'the insane man of the village'.
Jesus’ brother felt responsible for believing his brother and wanted to take care of him. He felt that he had taken his brother’s life away by allowing him to see the doctor. He was saddened that he didn’t convince him it was a dream -- the life with his wife and children -- and that he should start his life over.
I watch as the man on the camera sighs in contemplation. I can see that he is recalling those memories and the guilt he feels. A few minutes later the camera follows the man into his dilapidated house. The house is dark and it is hard to see the rooms, as they make their way to a doorway that has a curtain in place of a door.
The man slowly moves the curtain back and motions for the camera to come closer and look. As the camera makes its way through the small slit in the curtains, the room becomes light enough to see a figure. There is a mattress on the floor. On the mattress is a small-framed man, sitting with his back to the camera. He looks weak. He is staring out the window and unaware that anyone has entered his room.
Jesus’s brother comes into view from the side of the camera and kneels down to place his hand on Jesus’ shoulder. Jesus doesn’t acknowledge his presence as his brother tells the camera that this is how he sits all day. Jesus’ brother has to feed and bathe him. And at night, Jesus’ brother has to lay him down and close his eyes so he will sleep. He has been wasting away for almost thirty years -- each year getting worse. He knows eventually Jesus will simply die.
John stops the tape and sits down across from Astrid and me, who are in shock. I can tell that Astrid is worried. “I see it all. As it was being described, I got flashes of this poor man fighting his way back,” she says empathetically.
I’m scared. This is too much information all at once. This is not what I anticipated. A “magic potion”, a test of some sort, the risk of coming back to the same place and then slowly fading away – living neither life. What would happen to Olivia? What would happen to me? Is it worth it?
I look to Astrid. “Will I make it if I try?” I ask her.
Her face turns pale as she absorbs my question. “I can’t see anything,” she states. “I can envision us attempting it, but then the vision goes black. I will have to meditate and try to focus on it more,” she says.
“Astrid, you can’t see the outcome because her fate hasn’t been determined yet. It’s up to Jennifer once she goes through the process,” John explains.
“And what if I just do it all over, our whole life? I have Michael back in my life again. I can do it if I need to,” I say.
Astrid shakes her head. “Jennifer, that is too dangerous. If anything goes off course before this deadline, if you don’t try to go back, you risk Stella never being born,” she says. She looks down for a minute to think before speaking. “Stella is the child I saw in my dream. She is the baby you were pregnant with. And SHE is meant to be on this earth,” she says emphatically. I feel blood rush to my head and my heart sinks when she says this. I can’t sacrifice my child. I can’t risk her not being here….her not being mine.
I sit down on the couch, overwhelmed by the decision I have to make. There are only two options and the outcomes aren’t guaranteed. I could try to proceed in my life with Michael and pray that we end up in the same place, make the same choices and get lucky enough to have the same child. But we have already taken different steps from what we did the first time. That fact creates doubt in me that we will actually end up together -- thus possibly sacrificing Stella’s existence. Or, I take the “potion” and pray to God that I cross over and get back to my life where Stella exists and we are all back where we should be.
“What will happen to everyone else if I do this?” I ask, as fear begins to consume me.
“Apparently….nothing. If you don’t make it over, our lives continue here. If you do, then according to belief, none of this life ever existed. If you’re not supposed to be here, then maybe we aren’t either,” John calmly states.
“If you stay here Jennifer, and don’t get back to continue that life, you risk too much,” Astrid says.
“Taking a risk is my only option,” I respond.
CHAPTER 76
I call in sick to work on Thursday. I can barely muster up the energy to get dressed, talk to anyone or eat for that matter. My stomach is in knots from the realization that I’m forced to do something that scares the hell out of me. If this doesn’t work, not only will I risk losing Stella, but Olivia will risk losing me. If I don’t take this potion and hope for the best, I risk Stella for certain -- and my life with Michael. I feel like I’m being torn in two, right down the middle, and the pain is unbearable. I decide that lying in bed and making a mental pros and cons list is a good idea. But as I get started, I can’t think of enough pros and my mind instead fills with thoughts of doom.
I close my eyes and try to breathe evenly. Images of my life with Michael fill my head. Memories of our life seep in to fill the cracks in my increasingly fragile mind. I can clearly see the moment that I found out I was pregnant with Stella. I see the moment we went for the sonogram and saw her 3D image on the screen. How we decided on her name. Her first birthday, first Christmas, and first swimming lessons with Michael. Her sweet round face, rosy cheeks, big blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. When I open my eyes, tears spill out of them and fall from the floodgates of my emotions.
I think about Olivia growing up. I remember all of the trips we took, and all of her “firsts”. First dance, first day of school, first training bra. Consoling her over fights with friends or boys that didn’t like her back when she liked them. Taking her to school and singing along with the radio together. Slowly becoming her friend, while still maintaining ground as her mother.
I imagine her getting older and not having me in her life. What if I miss her sixteenth birthday, her graduation, her wedding? What will she go through by having a shell of a mother? These thoughts overwhelm me all at once while snippets of my life with Michael, Stella and Olivia race through my mind at the same time.
A mother will have to make so many choices in her life. Choices that may never feel fair, but she will have to make them nevertheless. I decide that I have to take the risk. I have to try to get back to them. It’s possible that it may not work, and I may turn into a vegetable of sorts, but Olivia will still have Joe. He has proven time and again to be a good father. He loves her and I know that he will always take care of her.
Trying to recreate my life with Michael is too risky. If we deviate from the path we took before, we might never make a life together. Or if we do and we still don’t have Stella, I would never forgive myself. I would forever feel like I sacrificed her by not taking a chance. I would be lifeless inside regardless.
CHAPTER 77
The weeks have flown by since John’s return. In that time, Astrid, John and I have come up with a plan to prepare for my “procedure,” as we are calling it. John will make sure that all of the ingredients are in place, Astrid will continue to meditate and field her intuitive skills so we are on the right path, and I will enjoy every minute that I have left in this life. Which I am continuously reminding myself to do while on a plane bound for England.
After making my decision to go through with this process I have decided to let go and live like these might be my last days on earth. I have been spending as much time with Olivia as I can. Taking her out to ice cream, the movies, buying her whatever toy she wants and letting her sleep with me every night. Of course, I worry I’m spoiling her, but I have no assurance I will get to do these things with her again, so I figure what is there to lose?
I spend more time with my parents as well. I make sure to have dinner or lunch with them several times each week, giving them extra hugs every time we part. Michael and I still talk frequently, but my focus has been on my family. I will get my chance with him soon.
Joe has been preoccupied with his personal life as well. Olivia made it known to me that he often talks on the phone to someone after he picks her up from school. She says he smiles a lot during those conversations. I’m still curious as to who the mystery girl is, but since he hasn’t let Olivia meet this person I can’t even get the details from her.
I quickly try to pull myself together as we prepare to land at Birmingham Airport. Before the seatbelt sign turns on, I grab my makeup bag and toothbrush and freshen up in the tiny airplane bathroom. I can’t wait to see Michael. Oddly enough, I feel nervous about his reaction when he sees me again. Even if Michael and I have spent almost a decade together and had many “first time” moments in our other life, I feel like I’m reliving everything as if it is the first time again.
Seeing a younger version of him always puts my current reality into perspective and tends to throw me back into those moments. The awkward encounters of meeting each other after being absent so long. Determining what type of affection is appropriate. What feelings are safe to express.
But in the end, it’s another chance for us to fall in love. And I get a reminder of all of the reasons why I fell for him the first time around. I now see so many of the qualities I had forgotten or overlooked while trying to coordinate our daily lives. It’s a chance for us to be free again and get back to the core of who we are together. I will forever be grateful for this epiphany.
When I get back to my seat, Stacy mentions that I look too good for flying when she wakes up from her four hour nap, hair a mess, mouth dry and mascara flakes gracing the skin below her eyes. I just shrug and smile while I sit straight up in my seat, waiting for the plane to touch down.
After landing, I see Steve standing in the gate area while Stacy and I deboard. I’m all smiles and in a hurry to get through Customs and to Baggage Claim so we can meet Michael by the rental car station. Coincidentally, his plane was set to arrive thirty minutes before ours, so it works out perfectly.
We get in the Customs line and I do my best to remain calm and not look nervous. I’m giddy with the anticipation of seeing Michael and I can’t decide the best manner in which to greet him. We aren’t officially a couple, but we are more than friends. From what I remember at this time in his life, he isn’t big into public displays of affection. It’s not something that is common in his culture, though I know that later he is much different and couldn’t care less. That change is something I personally take credit for.
Within forty five minutes we are out of Customs and into the Baggage Claim area. I follow Steve, who knows his way to where we are heading. He is so tall that people tend to move aside and make way for him. He starts to slow down as he approaches someone near a baggage carousel.
“Hey, man! How’s it goin’?” he says to someone I cannot see, while extending his hand for a shake. I look around him to try to see who he is talking too. As I peek my head around I see it is Michael. My heart instantly begins to flutter, and I get hot in my face. What is happening to me? I shouldn’t have this “school girl” reaction over my own future husband.
Michael glances to his right and sees me behind Steve. His smile gets wider and he extends his right arm out for a side hug. I can tell he is trying to keep it casual for Steve’s sake. He wants to remain professional.
I look back to see Stacy approaching us with her rolling suitcase. She gets right to efficiently claiming luggage and quickly finds our bags on the belt. “OK, I think we are all set!” she exclaims, as she counts our bags.
An hour later we finally make it onto the freeway, after getting the rental car. Michael is sitting up front with Steve while Stacy and I sit in the back. She can’t bear to watch Steve drive because he is making her nervous, but I’m giggling with amusement as he guns it through roundabouts and maneuvers while driving on the opposite side of the road, on the opposite side of the car.
We pull up to our hotel after the short car ride. I’m smiling, as I remember how shabby this hotel is. No matter how many times they claim they have remodeled, there is always a broken toilet seat or leaking faucet that makes the stay that much more amusing.
Stacy and I head to our double room, which consists of two twin-sized beds, a box television and a pants press. Michael is down the hall, and happens to get a nice king-sized bed, as does Steve. We decide the best course of action is to take a two hour nap, shower and get ready, then meet for dinner at the pub down the street.
However, I’m unable to sleep. Stacy is laying in her bed with her eye mask on to shield her eyes from the light, mouth hanging open and snoring. I’m thinking about Michael, who is three rooms down. I am startled by the buzzing of my cellphone. I had set it to vibrate so as not to wake us. I look at the number and see it is Michael’s Swedish cell number.
“Can’t sleep….” he writes.
“Me either,” I reply.
“Want to come over?” he invites.
Rather than respond, I choose instead to grab my room key and slip out the door. I tiptoe past Steve’s room and quietly knock on Michael’s door. I hear the chain and deadbolt unlock. He is smiling when he opens the door.
“That was quick,” he says, letting me in.
I walk over and plop down on the side of his bed. I am too wired with excitement to sleep. Michael walks over to me and takes my hand, bringing me up to standing. He pulls me in and embraces me tightly. I take in his familiar scent. It’s a cologne that he hasn’t worn since before I got pregnant with Stella. When I was pregnant, I used to feel sic
k when he wore it, so he stopped using it. But now it doesn’t seem to bother me in this body. I nuzzle into his chest and savor the moment.
He strokes the back of my neck so I can pull away to face him, and kisses me. Again I can breathe. Life is restored to my body.
CHAPTER 78
After an hour of “reconnecting,” I head back to my room to shower and get ready. Stacy hears the door shut as I enter, and sits up from her slumber.
“Hi, where’ve you been,” she sleepily asks.
I shrug and then begin to blush. “Oh, just visiting Michael,” I reply. I hear her chuckle while I go into the bathroom.
I hurry with my task, as I don’t want Stacy to have to wait too long for me. When I come out, she has already turned on her MP3 player and portable speakers so we have some music to listen to while we get ready. I fight the urge to grab her and hug her from behind as she passes me.