The thing was: he didn’t care. He was glad they did it. After realizing how vicious Elliot was and how despondent her life with him had been, Noah wondered if perhaps all of her experiences were horrible. If so, then maybe he managed to let her feel one pleasurable thing. And perhaps, he proved that some touching was good. Maybe for a small moment in her tortured life, she realized she was worth loving, and caring about, and wanting to please and make feel good. So what if he broke his own heart in the process? It was broken as soon as she left to return with Elliot. He knew he had fallen in love with a married woman, and even worse, one who endured the circumstances that Lindsey did. There might not be a happy ending. But if he only managed to make her life a little less traumatized, then it was the right thing to do.
He slowly disentangled himself from her and slipped into the shower. He dressed quickly, thinking Gretchen would be home soon. She didn’t need to know about it. Or have an opinion about it. She wasn’t there. Maybe no one could understand what happened today. But if anyone had experienced Lindsey’s pain as he had, or sensed how much Lindsey longed for a normal, healthy experience, they would have acted as he had. He would have done anything to make Lindsey feel better.
Gretchen came in a half hour later and asked about Lindsey. Noah said she’d been up for a while and they talked before she went back to bed. Almost the truth.
Now, the thing he had trouble picturing was how to face Lindsey?
****
Lindsey awoke the next morning at a more reasonable hour. She glanced at the clock and saw it was six a.m. Looking down at her body, she realized she was still naked. A blush heated her skin as she remembered why, and all the wonderful things that happened. Things she’d never done or felt before. She pulled the covers up higher and burrowed in. It was supposed to be a mistake, so it was a mistake. But one she needed to make. She just couldn’t imagine how she would face Noah now.
She did, however, feel that she completely owed Gretchen an explanation; and she needed to find some answers to her situation, instead of cowering in bed. It was time to quit playing the role of the catatonic, simpleton she’d become lately. It was time for answer, actions, and a definite plan.
She rose from the bed. When did Noah leave? How did she sleep through it? What should she say to him? How could she even look him in the eyes again?
She showered finally, since it had been a few days. She dried her hair, and started styling it as she always did. An updo. An elegant, classy, version of the same, dated updo.
She stared in the mirror. She seemed too skinny and too pale. Her skin had a sickly, yellow color, which Noah could only have ignored because of the low illumination. Maybe some blush would help. She rifled through Gretchen’s bathroom cabinets, thinking she owed Gretchen not only some money, but everything else before this was all over. She hesitated at finding the scissors and glanced at her reflection. She squinted her eyes to picture it. No, she’d always worn long hair. It was what everyone commented on. Elliot, he—
No. Wait. Why was she contemplating how Elliot felt about her hair? Or what Elliot would say? For a fleeting second, her brain went right back there. Still, she… couldn’t. She always went to a hairdresser. She could not simply cut her hair. She could not…
Or could she?
She stared down at the blue-handled hair scissors. Then, picking them up, she cautiously held her hair out, closed her eyes, and snipped it. Her mouth popped open as she beheld the six-inch hunk of ash-blond hair between her fingertips. Shit. She cut her hair. She looked up in the mirror.
She cut her hair. She grabbed the next chunk, and cut more. This time, it made her smile wider, so she did it again. Then a hearty laugh escaped her throat. By the time she sheared off all her hair, she was actually giggling. She was giddy over knowing she cut her hair off! Never mind that it looked hideous, as she had no skills in the field of cosmetology. It now reached her chin, and appeared quite uneven all the way around. But she did it. She did it mostly because… it was her fucking hair! She could ruin it if she chose to. She set the scissors down on the counter and smiled at her new reflection. Yes, she could ruin her hair if she wanted to!
****
Gretchen was at the table, eating cereal and reading a newspaper when Lindsey came out. She stopped with the spoon inches from her mouth, and her jaw dropped as her eyes widened in disbelief. She slowly set the spoon down with a “clink!”
“I take it you’re over the long hair.”
Lindsey touched her jagged hairline. “I am.”
A smile tugged at Gretchen’s lips. “Perhaps you’d like to visit my hairdresser later today, you know, and make it slightly straighter.”
“Perhaps.”
Gretchen set aside the newspaper in her hand. “So, why don’t you sit down? We need to figure some things out.”
“You mean now that I’m no longer in bed, catatonic.”
Gretchen nodded. “Yes, now that you’re not catatonic.”
“Coming to you was unfair. I know that. But…”
Gretchen shrugged. “You and I survived Jessie’s treatment together. We will survive this together too.”
“I shouldn’t burden you any longer.”
Gretchen shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. “You are not a burden to me. You are my friend. And true friends could never be a burden, no matter what is going on. Years ago, I thought we were best friends. And you know what? I’d like to be that again. So, don’t be sorry. Be happy you are here. I know I am.”
“Aren’t you curious how I let this happen?”
“You know I refuse to have that conversation with you. Save the guilt-gone-wrong for your counselor.”
“Who says I’m seeing a counselor?”
She snorted. “Me. I say. Really? You’re doubting that? Coming to me, you must know that’s a given. You know what I do. And you know you need it.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You probably don’t want to do a lot of things right now. But you still need to.”
Lindsey crossed her arms over her chest for emphasis. “I don’t have a credit card. I don’t have cash or a car. I have nothing. I left with exactly three outfits and my shoes.”
“Yes, I know. First off, you need to call your sister, Lindsey. You must have that conversation with her. You supported her through treatment; and she will help you get through this. You know that. You know I will. And Noah will too. Let’s not waste anymore time having this conversation either. You must stay here.”
Lindsey stared at her hands. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I’m in hiding or something, right? So Elliot doesn’t find me? But how do I remain hidden? And for how long? I don’t know when you leave here in the morning what I should do.”
Gretchen got up, rifled through her purse and came back, handing Lindsey a business card. “That’s the shelter I work with sometimes. I offer my services pro bono on cases where kids have learning issues. You liked helping Tessa and her kids. Maybe you should try doing that around there.”
“How do you know about that?”
“Noah and Jessie told me. You shouldn’t sit here alone, evaluating all this by yourself. Not yet. Let it come to you slowly, in snippets. Keep busy. Keep involved. Go there. Join group therapy. Talk. Express what you really feel. Get it out of you and examine it objectively. All of it.”
Lindsey tapped the card on the table. “I don’t know where to begin.”
Gretchen lifted the side of her mouth. “It doesn’t matter where. Just pick something. Pick a spot to start talking about what happened to you. The first time, the last time, or some random instance from last year, or three years ago. You decide. You get to decide. You know from going through this with Jessie, that it all just takes time, a lot of time. You know that, Lindsey. You know what you’re up against. But you also know it’s possible and that it works.”
“You must hate how weak I seem.”
Gretchen put her hand over Lindsey’s. “No. I don’t.�
��
Lindsey licked her lips and stared at their joined hands. She finally squeezed Gretchen’s fingers in hers. “I’ll make this up to you. Someday, I will make up for all that I’m getting from you. I’ll fix it.”
“Just fix yourself. Do that, and I’m fully repaid.”
“What about all the women who don’t have rich friends? They don’t have anyone like Noah, Jessie or you to save them.”
“That’s why I work at the shelter. For them. And since you do have us, take advantage of it. Use it. Your guilt doesn’t help anyone. Respect and accept what you’ve been given. That way, the chance you have here means something. That is how you repay us. And that is wisely using the resources that you’ve been given.”
“You’re very good at handling victims. You don’t treat us like we’re victims at all.”
“I treat you like a survivor because that’s what I believe you truly are. That’s what all the work I do is about.”
“You’re an amazing woman. And friend.”
“You are too, Lindsey. You just don’t know it yet.”
****
Noah walked out while Lindsey was putting the rinsed dishes in the dishwasher. He stopped dead just shy of the kitchen table. His eyes widened as they raked over her, taking in her new “do.” Surprisingly, a blush filled his cheeks.
“You’re up.”
“Yes. I am.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor and shuffled around. Looking behind him, he turned to sit in a chair, taking a newspaper and briefly glancing over it. He wore men’s flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt. His hair was tousled and hung over his forehead in curls.
He cleared his throat. “So, how are you?”
She lifted her gaze to his. “I’m fine. For this moment. This morning. I’m fine. Gretchen left already.”
“Oh. Good.”
An uncomfortable silence descended upon them. He clumsily nodded his head her direction and lowered his eyes before asking, “Uh, did you cut your hair?”
“I did. I took the scissors, shut my eyes and cut it off!”
He scooted around on the chair. Obviously, he didn’t know what to make of that. “Is that, ah, because Elliot liked it long? I mean, is that like one way to claim your freedom?”
She tilted her head. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just kind of did it. I don’t know why, but it made me laugh. I don’t think I can explain even how I feel today.”
“Right. Of course. I’m sure you don’t. It must be very… confusing.”
She smiled softly. He was pretty good at getting her, when in all rights, he shouldn’t have been. “Surprisingly, it is. I find it mind-boggling to realize that twelve days ago, I was cowering in bed, afraid Elliot would come to hurt me. And then my father showed up. A man who was supposed to be dead. I mean, that alone could have sent me into counseling for at least a few years. That was a mind trip. And then, here I am now, clear across the country and staying with my sister’s husband’s, ex-wife. Not a dime to my name, but three outfits, a coat, a pair of shoes and my purse. That’s my new presence. I have to finally face what I’ve been denying, and why I went through it, all while hiding away as if I’m a criminal. When, really I’m not. He’s the criminal. Yet, he’s the one who’s running for governor of his state!”
He nodded and considered her. “Despite all that, you seem different today. Stronger. Better almost. Is that possible?”
“It seems just getting away is a pretty amazing mood lifter. Yeah, it’s possible I might be a degree stronger than I was a week ago. And then… there is always you.”
He suddenly stood and put his hands up, as if under arrest. “I know. I’m so, so sorry. I keep thinking about what happened. I shouldn’t have. You can hate me. I understand. I took advantage of you. I—”
“You did exactly what I asked of you.”
“Well, you didn’t exactly know what you were asking of me.”
She tilted her head. “I know what sex is. I know what I asked for, and what we did.”
His mouth twisted into a scowl. “Oh. Well, it doesn’t lessen the fact that I took advantage of you. I am sorry. I should never have—”
“Never have what? Shown me what love feels like when I begged you for it? When I wanted it more than anything? When it was exactly how I dreamt it could be? You know what, Noah? No one is taking of advantage of me anymore. Least of all, you.”
He hesitated and his face fell. “I’m just so sorry.”
“I can accept your apology for me. For how you found me. But I won’t accept an apology for what we did last night.”
He bit his lip and tapped a finger on his thigh. His agitation was evident. It was also the most refreshing thing she ever witnessed. Elliot never cared what she thought or felt afterwards. Her reaction to the things he did to her certainly never caused a trace of anxiety in him. Not like with Noah.
She threw the dishrag down and skirted the open dishwasher door to stand before him. She touched his face. “I am not okay yet. I know that. But thanks to you, I just might find a way to eventually be. I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing, but I don’t have to know. The thing is: I’m free to just be. I can’t be in a relationship. Not now. I don’t know, maybe not ever. But I can be grateful for the kindness you’ve shown me. For the care you’ve given me. And for last night. I’m mostly grateful for last night.”
His gaze stayed on hers as she spoke. The concern in his eyes was deep and real. She closed her eyes, savoring the moment of unprecedented, sincere concern, and love. She saw it in his eyes. He thought he loved her; but she knew he was just mixing up all the intense, strange crap they had experienced. He was confusing his profound pity for her with feelings of tenderness and love. She knew that. But she appreciated it on a level that nothing else could touch in her: he thought he could love her. Something inside of her was worth loving still.
He lifted a hand and set it on her waist, slowly pulling her toward him, as he kept his eyes fastened on hers. She was soon against his chest, and in his warm embrace. Her head only reached his collar. She could bury her face in him and smell the clean, warm, spicy, man scent that she loved. She could grip his shirt, and for a few moments, let him feel what they shared. His other hand, like a giant, clumsy paw, stroked her head. He grabbed the misshapen ends and tugged. She liked that only Noah Clark could find ways, small ways, and big ones, to make her even feel like smiling. “You’re not very good at cutting hair. But I like it gone. It’s time you changed things. Why not start here?”
“I was thinking of dying it. I mean, since I need to hide anyway, why not? And… that way, I can figure out what I do like. What my style is. I was always conservative, even crusty, as a teen. I wanted to be what my father envisioned. Then I had to be what Elliot dictated. Now, I just want to be who I am. The thing is: I don’t know what that is. I have no idea who I really am.”
He tipped his forehead down to hers. “You don’t have to know. You don’t have to figure anything out. You can just be. No rules. No expectations. No pressure. No violence.”
She inhaled deeply as she realized what he said never occurred to her. She was now living with no violence. The relief was undeniable. The uncertainty, however, was sharper.
She touched his hair and shook her head. “You can’t keep staying here. You have a life and a business to get back to.”
He sighed and nodded. “Unfortunately, that’s true. My sister keeps calling. Tessa and the kids are still at my house, but Dean’s been bothering her. And well, I do have to work. My partner is well beyond frustrated with me. I just, well, I can’t stay here.”
She inhaled another breath. Of course, Noah needed to leave. It was time. But, how could she do all this without him? She wanted him to stay there, because she couldn’t go back with him. Not to Ellensburg. And he couldn’t ignore his entire career and life. “Yes. Of course you should go.”
He leaned her back enough to catch her eye. “I’d like to return. In a few months. I’d like to visit
you fairly often.”
She didn’t have anything to look forward to for over five years. She smiled up at him. “I would like you to come back. I’d look forward to your visits and like that very much.”
“Please call your sister. She’s going stark, raving mad. She calls me fifteen times a day. She is so worried about you. As we all were.”
She closed her eyes and selfishly thought about his words. She had people worrying about her! Not just one, but several. And it was a really nice sensation. It made her feel a hundred times less alone, less forgotten, less a victim, and less unworthy. But yes, she owed her sister a huge amount more than she’d given her of late.
“I’ll call her today.”
He smiled. “Thank you.”
She smiled back at him. He leaned down and gently touched his lips on hers, in a soft, lingering, languid kiss that resonated deep in her stomach, maybe even into her soul. “I lay awake all night thinking about how I’d face you this morning.”
“You did?”
“That surprises you? Lindsey, my God, this situation, all of it, is something I never even imagined. Or could imagine. I did things wrong. I didn’t know what to do. But I was mostly worried I harmed something deep inside you.”
“You helped something inside me.”
“Is it okay if I tell Penny about why I’ve been here so long? My family, all of them, are about as bad as Jessie calling me. I told them where I’m staying, but not why. They’ve figured out it involves you. I would like to tell them what went on.”
“That you slept with me?”
He paused and frowned. “No. Of course not! I’d never tell anyone that.”
She tilted her head back and a laugh bubbled up her throat. “My God, you take sex so seriously. I was kidding, Noah. Ha-ha!”
The Good Sister (Sister Series, #2) Page 26