“Well,” he said, a little offended. “I’m not either.”
She slumped back. After a while she said, “So nobody’s here.”
When he was done and she was dressed again, he got her on the cart and pushed her forward. She lay there without a word.
In the next break he got her to drink some water dosed with nutrients and electrolytes. The cart, as she said at one point, was beginning to resemble a hospital bed. From time to time Wahram whistled a little, usually choosing Brahms. There was a stoic resolution at the heart of Brahms’s melancholy that was very appropriate now. They still had twenty-two days to go.
That evening they sat there in silence. The scene devolved into the desultory animal behaviors that often followed such little crises—the turned heads, the preparations for sleep pursued abstractedly; dull aching drop into sleep, that unseen refuge. Here the pseudoiterative needed to be held to as a comfort. Lick one’s wounds. All these things had happened before and would happen again.
One morning she got up and tried to walk, and after twenty minutes she sat back on the cart again. “This is worrisome,” she said in a small voice. “If enough cells were busted…”
Wahram didn’t say anything. He pushed her along. Suddenly it occurred to him that she could die in this tunnel and there was nothing he could do about it, and a wave of nausea passed through him, making him weak in the legs. A stay in a hospital could have done so much.
After another long silence, she said in a low voice, “I suppose I used to enjoy risking death. The jolt of the fear. The thrill when you survive. It was a kind of decadence.”
“That’s what my mom used to say,” Wahram said.
“Like horror stories, where you try to shock yourself awake or something. But all that stuff is wrong. Say you attend the death of a person and help them out. All the images you see are out of horror stories. You see that those images came from where you are. But you stay anyway. And after a time you see that’s just the way it is. Everyone goes there. You help but really you can’t help, you just sit there. And eventually you’re holding the hand of a dead person. Supposedly a nightmare. Bones thrust up out of the ground to clutch you and so on. And yet in the actual act, perfectly natural. All of it natural.”
“Yes?” Wahram said, after she had stopped for a while.
She heard him and went on. “The body tries to stay alive. It’s not so… It’s natural. Maybe you’ll see it now. First the human brain dies, then the animal brain, then the lizard brain. Like your Rm, only backward. The lizard brain tries to its very last bit of energy to keep things going. I’ve seen it. Some kind of desire. It’s a real force. Life wants to live. But eventually a link breaks. The energy stops getting to where it needs to be. The last ATP gets used. Then we die. Our bodies return to earth, go back to being soil. A natural cycle. So…” She looked up at him. “So what? Why the horror? What are we?”
Wahram shrugged. “Animal philosophers. An odd accident. A rarity.”
“Or common as can be, but—”
She didn’t continue.
“Dispersed?” Wahram ventured. “Temporary?”
“Alone. Always alone. Even when touching someone.”
“Well, we can talk,” he said hesitantly. “That’s part of life too. It’s not just lizard stuff. We throw ourselves out and span the gap, sometimes.”
She shook her head sadly. “I always fall in the gap.”
“Hmm,” he said, nonplussed. “That would be bad. But I don’t see how that could be right. Given what you’ve told me. And what I’ve seen of you.”
“It’s how it feels that matters.”
He thought about that for a while. The lights passed them overhead, he pushed her on the cart. Was that right? Was it how you felt about what you did that made it good or bad, rather than what you did, or what others saw? Well, you were stuck in your thoughts. The current medical definition of the term “neurotic” was simply “a tendency to have bad thoughts.” If you had that tendency, he thought, looking down at Swan’s bare scaly head, if you were neurotic, then the material to work with would be nearly infinite. Was that true? Well, here they were, little spins of atoms which felt inside that something mattered, even while looking out at the stars, even inside a tunnel that looped downward forever. Then the spin would decohere and collapse. So, faced with that: good thoughts or bad thoughts?
He whistled the beginning of Beethoven’s Ninth, thinking to drag her through her black mood and out the other side, by way of the old maestro’s deepest tragedy, the Ninth’s first movement. He shifted ahead to the repeated phrase near the end of the movement, the one that Berlioz had thought proof of madness. He repeated it. It was the simple tune he had used for walking uphill all his life. Now they were walking downhill, at the top of a great circle, but it fit his mood perfectly well. He kept on whistling the eight notes over and over. Six down, two up. Simple and clear.
Finally Swan, sitting below him on the cart, her back against the bar he held, facing forward, spoke again, but slurring her words a bit, and talking as if to Pauline. “I wonder if people know we’re alive. You can never tell. It meant everything at the time, but then the time changed, and you changed, and they changed. And then it’s gone. She doesn’t have anything to say to me.”
Long pause. Wahram said, “Who was your child’s father? You had one each way?”
“Yes. I don’t know who the father was. I got pregnant on Fassnacht, when everyone is in masks. Some man I liked the look of. She knows who it is, she had him traced.”
“You liked the look of a masked person?”
“I did. The look of what you might call his demeanor.”
“I see.”
“I wanted to keep it simple. It was a conventional practice at the time. Now I wouldn’t do it that way. But you never know until it’s too late. You develop a folie à deux for a few years, it’s very intense, but it’s a folly, and after you come out you can’t look back at it without feeling… You have to wonder whether it was a good thing or not. You miss it but you regret it too, it’s stupid. I keep on doing things, but I still haven’t figured out what to do.”
“Live and make art,” he said.
“Who said that?”
“You did, I thought.”
“I don’t remember that. Maybe I did. But what if I’m not a very good artist?”
“It’s a long-term project.”
“And some people are late bloomers, is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes, I suppose. Something like that. You keep getting chances.”
“Maybe. But, you know, it would be good to be making progress somehow. Not making the same mistakes over and over.”
“Spirals,” he suggested. “Spiral up, doing the same things at a higher level. That’s the art of it no matter what you do.”
“Maybe for you.”
“But there’s nothing unusual about me.”
“I beg to differ.”
“No, nothing unusual. Principle of mediocrity.”
“You’re an advocate of that?”
“An exemplar of it. The middle way. Middle of the cosmos. But only just as much as anyone else. A strange feature of infinity. We’re all in the middle somehow. Anyway, it’s a view I find useful. I use it to work on things. To structure my project, so to speak. Part of a philosophy.”
“Philosophy.”
“Well, yes.”
She fell silent at the thought.
Maybe we missed it,” Swan said one day as she walked behind him. “Maybe we walked all the way under the brightside and the nightside too, and are back under the sun again. Maybe we’ve lost track of the time or the distance. Maybe you’ve screwed us with your ineptitude, just like Pauline.”
“No,” he said.
She ignored him and muttered about things that could have gone wrong while they had been underground. It unreeled into quite an amazingly long list, gothically inventive: they could have gotten disoriented and were now actually walking west; they c
ould have gotten into another utilidor, angled toward the north pole; Mercury could have been evacuated and them the only ones left on the planet; they could have died in the sun and the first elevator taken them down to hell. Wahram wondered if she was serious, hoped she wasn’t. There was so much that made her unhappy. Circadian rhythms; possibly she was walking when she should be sleeping. Many years before, he had learned you could not trust anything you thought between two and five a.m.; in those dark hours the brain was deprived of certain fuels or functions necessary for right mentation. One’s thoughts and moods darkened to a sometimes fugilin black. Better to sleep or, failing that, to discount in advance any thought or mood from those hours and see what a new day brought in the way of a fresh perspective. He wondered if he could ask her about this without offending her. Possibly not. She was irritable already, and seemed miserable.
“How are you doing?” he would ask.
“We never get anywhere.”
“Imagine that we were never getting anywhere, even before we came to this place. No matter where we move, we have never gotten anywhere.”
“But that is so wrong. God, I hate your philosophy. Of course we’ve gotten somewhere.”
“We’ve come a long way, we have a long way to go.”
“Oh please. Fuck you and your fortune cookies. Here we are now. It’s too long. Too long…”
“Think of it as an ostinato passage. Stubbornly repetitive.”
But then she fell silent, and then began to moan—almost a hum, a sound she was unaware that she made. Little miserable grunts. Someone crying. “I don’t want to talk,” she said when he asked again. “Shut up and let me be. You’re worthless to me. When things get tough, you’re worthless.”
That night they reached another elevator station. She stuffed food in her as if sticking batteries in a machine. After that she muttered again, wandering in ways he couldn’t follow. Possibly talking to her Pauline. On it went, a muttering in his ear. They performed their ablutions back down the tunnel without incident, and then lay down on their pads and tried to sleep. The muttering continued. After a while she whimpered herself to sleep.
The next morning she wouldn’t eat, or talk, or even move. She lay on her side in a catatonic fit, or a syncope, or simply paralysis.
“Pauline, can you talk?” Wahram asked quietly, when Swan would say nothing.
The slightly muffled voice from Swan’s neck said, “Yes.”
“Can you tell me about Swan’s vital signs?”
“No,” Swan said from nowhere.
“Vital signs available to me are nearly normal, except for blood sugar.”
“You need to eat,” Wahram said to Swan.
She did not respond. He spooned some electrolyte water into her mouth, patiently waited for her to swallow. When she had taken in a few deciliters without drooling too much of it away, he said, “It’s noon up there. Up above us, on the surface, it’s noon. Middle of the brightside crossing. I think we need to take you up to have a look at the sun.”
Swan cracked an eyelid and looked up at him.
“We need to see it,” he told her.
She shoved her torso off the floor. “Do you think?”
“Is it possible?” Wahram asked in reply.
“Yes,” she said after thinking it over, “it is. We can stay in the shade of the tracks. It’s less bad at noon than in the morning or afternoon, because the photons come straight down and fewer hit your suit. We shouldn’t stay out for long though.”
“That’s all right. You need to see it, and now’s the time. Noon on Mercury. Come on.”
He helped her up. He found their helmets and carried them into the elevator car, went back and picked up Swan, took her to the elevator. Up they went, and he got her helmet on and sealed it, checked her air, did the same for himself. The suits showed all was well. The elevator car came to a halt. Wahram felt his pulse pounding in his fingertips.
The elevator door opened at the upper platform, and the world went white. Their faceplates adjusted, and a basic black-and-white sketch of a world appeared before them. To the left and slightly below were the city’s tracks, glowing a deep incandescent white. To the right Mercury’s noontime landscape extended to the horizon. In the absence of an atmosphere, there was only the land itself to take the blow of sunlight; it was glowing white-hot. His helmet’s tint had shifted so hard that the stars were no longer visible in the sky. It was a white plane topped by a black hemisphere. The white was lightly pulsing.
Swan walked out the door onto the platform. “Hey!” Wahram said, and went out after her. “Get back in here!”
“How would we see the sun in there? Come on, it will be all right for a while.”
“The platform must be seven hundred K like everything else.”
“Your boot soles are completely insulated at that temperature.”
Amazed, Wahram let her go. She tilted her head back to stare at the sun. Wahram couldn’t help following her glance—a stunning blast—fearfully he looked down again. The afterimage was there to contemplate: a circle both white and red at the same time, giant in his vision. The dhalgren sun, real at last. Clearly his faceplate was filtered to an almost completely polarized black opacity, and yet the land was still white, etched with tiny black lines. Swan was still looking up. Dying of thirst, she now drowned in the torrent. Following her example, breaking out all over in a sweat, he glanced up again. The surface of the sun was a roiling mass of white tendrils. It bounced as if throwing off thermal waves; then he realized it was his heart bouncing him, bumping his body hard enough to make his vision jostle. Writhing white circle in a starless charcoal sky. White banners flowing over themselves everywhere in the circle, the movement suggestive of some vast living intelligence. A god, sure, why not? It looked like a god.
Wahram dragged his gaze away and took her arm.
“Come on, Swan. Back inside now. You’ve gotten your infusion.”
“Wait just a second.”
“Swan, don’t do this.”
“No, wait. Look down there by the track.” She pointed. “Something’s coming.”
And there was. Out of the east, on the smoothed ground just outside the outermost track, a small vehicle was approaching them. It stopped at the foot of the platform stairs, and a door in the side of the vehicle opened. A figure in a spacesuit appeared, looked up at them, waved them down.
“Could our sunwalkers have sent people out to get us?” Wahram asked.
“I don’t know,” Swan said. “Has there been enough time?”
“I don’t think so.”
They descended the stairs, Wahram holding Swan by the arm. She seemed pretty solid on her feet. Rejuvenated perhaps by the sight of the noon sun. Or the prospect of rescue. They got in the car’s lock, and when it had closed on them, they were admitted to the interior, and in a sizeable compartment could take off their helmets and talk. Their rescuers were full of amazement. They had been making a brightside crossing at speed, they said, and had had no expectation whatsoever of seeing anyone standing on one of the platforms. “And looking straight up at the sun, no less! How the hell did you people get there? What are you doing?”
“We’re from Terminator,” Wahram explained. “There are three more of us down there, a bit farther along to the east.”
“Ah ha! But how did you… Well, look, let’s get going. You can tell it to us while we drive.”
“Of course.”
“Here, sit down by the window, then, take a look, it’s beautiful out there.”
The vehicle began to move. They passed by the station they had stood on. They were being rescued. Swan and Wahram stared at each other.
“Oh no!” Swan said faintly—as if they had tripped into an unexpected disaster—as if she were going to miss the second half of their walk. That made him smile.
Lists (4)
sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic, melancholic
introverted, extroverted
ambiversion, surgency
&
nbsp; stable, labile
rational, irrational
neurotic, schizoid, paranoid, hebephrenic, manic-depressive, anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, psychotic, sadistic, masochistic
repressed, dissociated, bipolar, schizophrenic, schizotypal, psychopathic, sociopathic, megalomaniacal
depressed, antisocial, histrionic, anxious, dependent, passive-aggressive, narcissistic, solipsistic, dysthymic
borderline personality, multiple personality
crazy, sane, normal, eccentric
autistic, Asperger’s, shy, genius, retarded
Apollonian, Dionysian
idealists, artisans, rationalists, traders, guardians
conscious, unconscious, ego, id, superego
archetypes, shadows, animus and anima, psychastenia
happy, sad; cheerful, mournful; post-traumatic; adjusted
openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness
doer, thinker; monkeys and pumpkins; impulsive, contemplative
selfish, proud, greedy, slothful, lustful, envious, angry; clear
stupid, smart; quick, slow; empathetic, sympathetic; distant
trusting, suspicious
Either or. This or that. Take your pick. All of the above
taxonomies, typologies, categories, labels, systems
three thousand years
Broca’s aphasia, Wernicke’s aphasia
hyperhippocampal, amygdala deficient, serotonin sensitive; enhanced firing in right temporal lobe knot 12a; overactive thalamus; retinotopic distortions
INSPECTOR JEAN GENETTE
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