I muddled through these thoughts as I microwaved my dinner and ate it, alone, in the kitchen. Faolan, my mother, Kailen—all had urged me to accept both sides of my nature. Besides the neat powers, being a Changeling seemed like a bum deal. The only good I'd done with my power had been rescuing Tristan—and Grian wouldn't have kidnapped him in the first place if I hadn't been a Changeling.
But if I believed in something more? If I used that belief to stop a war?
Lightning flashed through my window, followed by the low rumble of thunder and the patter of rain. I chewed the macaroni and cheese, the undercooked noodles sticking in my teeth. If I got my shit together and focused, I could stop a war. I could stop people from dying, Fae from dying.
Maybe I could believe in this—saving lives.
A knock sounded at the door. I tossed my dishes in the sink and went to answer it.
Kailen stood outside. He wore a collared white shirt and slacks, all quickly getting soaked by the rain. The wet clothes clung to him, outlining his arms and chest. I'd forgotten I'd promised to meet him tonight. For a moment I just stared. It had only been a few days since I'd seen him, and yet I'd forgotten how overwhelmingly good-looking he was.
I finally got a hold of myself and stepped to the side. “Hurry up, you're getting soaked.”
He didn't bite back at me, or point out that I was the one who'd blocked his entrance. He waited just inside while I shut the door, so close I could smell the way the rain mingled with his cologne.
Once I let go of the doorknob, I couldn't decide where to put my hands. In my pockets? Too casual. Cross my arms? Too standoffish. I let them hang by my sides, my fingers pressed against the slick fabric of my work pants. I hadn't changed yet. I usually put on my flannels, and I was glad I hadn't gotten that far. At least I still looked presentable. But why should I care? He was here to talk about stopping the Fae from raiding the prison.
I lifted my gaze to meet his and immediately regretted it. It sent a shock through my body, my heart jumping like an Olympian at a hurdle race. His hazel eyes were soft, intense. Why wouldn't he just say something?
“I have your sword,” I said. My voice echoed off the walls, the tiled floor of the entryway. “It's in the kitchen.”
Before he could say anything, I turned and went back to the kitchen, hoping he'd follow, but not too closely. His footsteps padded behind me, swallowed by another rumble of thunder.
I'd left his sword on the island. I picked it up and held it out, unable this time to meet his gaze. His fingers touched the end of the tube, but didn't grip it. What was he waiting for? I cleared my throat. “Thank you,” I said. “You saved my life. I would have died if you hadn't lent me your sword.”
“I would have done more, if I could have,” Kailen said. His low voice seemed to fill the room, seeping into my bones. “I'm sorry I lied.”
“If that was your way of making it up to me,” I said lightly, “maybe I don't mind if you lie once in a while.” Except I did mind, and it really wasn't something to make light of.
Kailen's hand crept down the tube, his fingertips touching mine. “Truly, I am sorry.”
His fingers were cold and damp, but they sent a fire running through me. I wanted him to move closer, to press his hand over mine, to force a resolution to the tension that had been building between us since the day we'd met. But he only waited, and his meaning was clear.
This was my decision to make.
Owen still waited for my answer on the divorce papers. Kailen and I had a raid to stop and a mystery to solve. I didn't love Kailen. Yet there was something between us. Owen had slept with Jane. Didn't I deserve something too?
I let go of the sword. It clattered to the floor at the same time another crack of thunder sounded just outside the house. I took the last step forward and pressed my hands to Kailen's chest. His heart drummed beneath my fingertips, the cold of his wet shirt mingling with the warmth of his skin beneath.
“Nicole,” he breathed.
Before I could change my mind, decide this was actually a bad idea, I pressed my mouth to his. All the tension drained from him, his muscles becoming soft and pliant beneath my fingers. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer.
Age difference be damned.
His tongue flicked at my lips, slipped inside my mouth. I moaned and fumbled at the buttons of his shirt. I wanted to feel him against me, to run my hands over the ridges and planes of his back. As he caressed my cheeks, I cursed whoever had invented buttons. I think I ripped the last two off, but Kailen didn't seem to mind.
And then his shirt was on the floor and he was pulling my sweater off and I was helping him. He took a step forward, leaned me against the island, and pressed his body into mine. His lips came down and trailed kisses across my neck. I gasped. I hadn't been touched this way in a long time. Okay, maybe never was more like it.
The scent of honeysuckle floated in the air.
I put my hands to his chest and pushed him back long enough to gasp out a few words. “Are you...?”
“Elicitation can provide other benefits, not just coercion.” Kailen ran a hand across my back. “I can stop if you want.” His breath stirred the hair next to my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
I checked the glass sliding door, my windows. The blinds were shut tight. We were alone. Stop? I'd probably kill him if he stopped now. I trailed my hand down his chest, over his stomach, to the waistband of his pants.
He caught my hand before I could undo his belt. “No,” he said. “Not yet.” Kailen reached down and lifted me into his arms. I was tall, but he was taller. He started up the stairs. I nestled into his chest, delighting in the feel of his warm skin. His lips kissed the top of my head, my forehead. I tucked my chin to my chest and hoped he didn’t feel me tremble.
I didn’t want to meet his eyes. Somehow, beneath the fiery hot sensation of lust, I recognized that this night might mean more to him than it did to me. I tried to suppress the guilt that tangled in my chest.
When we reached the bedroom, he set me on my feet. “Nicole,” he said, his voice low, “are you sure?”
I wanted to grab him, to caress his shoulders, to take off his belt and see if his lower half matched his upper half. Instead, I took a deep breath. “Are you?”
As an answer, he growled, pulled me close, and kissed me so fiercely that I forgot what I’d been asking in the first place. We stumbled toward the bed. I pulled at his belt while he undid the button of my pants, our lips locked, our breathing heavy.
I tripped as I stepped out of my pants, but Kailen caught me, eased me back into his arms. I let out a breathy giggle, but he brought a hand up to brush the hair from my eyes, and I suddenly couldn’t breathe at all. In the darkness of the room, the half-moon shining through the window, I could barely see his eyes. But I knew they fixed on mine, searching. What did he want to see?
He cleared his throat. “I lo—”
I reached down and grabbed him before he could say anything else. I didn't need this right now. And what if he was just reliving his past with Penny? His words turned into a moan. I melted into his chest, putting him off balance. I'd hoped to force him onto the bed, but he pivoted, swinging me around and laying me across the covers. Before I could take another breath, he was on top of me. His hands found mine, fingers twining in my own.
He leaned down, whispered in my ear. “Just you and me. Tonight, we can forget about anything else.”
I wrapped my legs around him, bringing him closer. “Then let's get busy forgetting,” I whispered back.
We did.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Kailen was there when I woke up the next morning. His chest was against my back, one arm draped over my waist. I wanted, suddenly, to be anywhere else. One night and I felt suffocated, cloistered, claustrophobic.
Did that make me a bad person?
I tried, subtly, to scoot away. It wasn’t as if Kailen hadn't acquitted himself well in the bedroom. And if I wanted to be honest with my
self, “well” was the understatement of the century. Saying elicitation had its benefits was like saying having a million dollars was nice. After eight years of being with only Owen, I'd always worried that things might be different if I ever had to get back “out there,” that I'd only find men who were grossly incompatible with me sexually. So I could cross that worry off the list. But I'd just irreversibly complicated the relationships I had—between me and Owen, and between me and Kailen. Had last night been fun? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Probably. Did I want it to become something that happened regularly?
Not sure.
But as I tried to slip away, Kailen's arm tightened around me, the scent of honeysuckle on his breath. Before I could stop myself, I'd pressed my bottom into his hips, feeling the hardness of his growing erection. Kailen murmured something, his lips finding the back of my neck. I managed to wrench myself away before he could lay more than one kiss on me. Did the man perform elicitation in his sleep? I'd given him permission, last night, but everything seemed different by light of day. I scooted far enough away so that none of our body parts touched, and hugged my arms around myself. Questions ran through my mind. If I started a relationship with Kailen, where would we live? Would he take down all the pictures of Penny? And what if I gained legal status and went to the Fae world? Kailen would never be able to join me.
I shook my head. Too many questions, and I didn't actually want to think about them, to even consider the possibility of a relationship.
“Hey.” Kailen touched my shoulder.
I didn't turn around. I had to wipe this look off my face, this horrified, what-have-I-done look, because I still felt something for the former Guardian, still cared about him.
“Is something wrong?”
I shook my head.
“Are you hurt?”
“No.”
“Was it something I did?”
I wished he'd stop talking, just give me a moment to gather my thoughts. His hand still rested on my shoulder. Its warmth should have been comforting. I had to say something, to let him know things were fine. I opened my mouth. “I don't love you.” Well, shit. I guess Owen wasn't the only one who was muddled in the mornings.
I rolled over to face him—his shocked hazel eyes, the trace of stubble on his chin, the hair that looked perfect mussed up from a night's rest and unrest. “That's not what I meant.” Except it was, I'd just picked a terrible time to say it. “I like you.” God, was I just adding salt to the wound? “You're...amazing.” That was better. “You’re smart, and handsome, and I probably don’t deserve you.” Well, maybe I was laying it on too thick.
Kailen pulled his hand back, used it to prop his head up. “But I have too much baggage.”
“That’s not it.” But maybe it was. Grian was his mother, he’d pissed off the Arbiter, and his dead wife seemed to loom in his thoughts and in his heart. On the other hand, who was I to speak? I was newly separated, not even divorced, just found out I was adopted and a Changeling, and had the inhabitants of an entire world currently interested in my demise. “I’m just figuring out how I feel about being Fae.” I reached out and touched his chest, resisting the urge to grope him any further. “This—we should talk about. Just not yet.”
He took my hand. “I get it. Last night was just you and me. Now we have bigger things to deal with.”
“Yes, exactly.” Relief made me limp. I sank my head into my pillow. We had a war to stop and it was Thursday and…and I had work. “What time is it?” I flopped over and grabbed for the first timepiece I saw—Kailen’s watch. It lay on the floor next to the bed, discarded.
As soon as my fingers touched the cool metal, the mattress below me vanished, as did the entire bedroom. I was in a dark place, all sensations dulled, no light surrounding me. Only darkness and silence.
The Void.
But there, in the darkness, something flared to life. Something warm, and blue, that felt oddly familiar.
And then, with a gasp, I was back in my bedroom, my gaze to the ceiling, Kailen’s watch cold in my hand. I hadn’t recognized the sensation the first time. I thought I’d worked too hard, was only feeling dizzy from exhaustion. I sucked in air; I couldn’t seem to draw in enough.
“What’s wrong?” Kailen hovered over me in an instant. “What happened?”
I gathered enough breath to speak. “Your watch. Did you make it?”
He took it from me and draped it over his wrist. “No. I'm not very good at crafting. It was a gift.”
“From who? Which family member?” I had a sneaking suspicion, but I wanted to hear it from him.
“My mother.” He turned his wrist over, watching the metal band flash in the sunlight. “She gave it to me just before I left for the mortal world. It was the only time she ever told me she loved me. It reminds me that I still have a mother that loves me, no matter how messed up Grian really is. And the ability to sense the lesser Fae—well that's a bonus.” He studied it a moment longer before looking back to me. “Why do you ask?”
The only reminder that his mother loved him. Well, bursting this bubble wasn't going to be fun. Not at all. “Kailen, every time I touch it, I feel something strange.” There had to be a better way to go about this. “I feel the Void.”
He frowned, covering the watch with his other hand. “I don't feel anything.”
“I know. I think it might be because I'm a Changeling.”
The lines between his eyebrows deepened. “What does that have to do with it?”
And because there really wasn't a better way to say it, I just did. “I think your watch is opening the doorways. I think Grian gave it to you because she knew you'd be staying in the mortal world, and she made sure that you'd keep it, wear it always. She’s planned this, from the beginning.”
He drew away from me and without another word, rose from the bed and began to pull on his clothes.
Either he was taking this really well, or really poorly. I wasn't sure which one yet. “Kailen?”
“You're lying,” he spat out as he refastened his belt.
Poorly, then. “Don't shoot the messenger.” I wrapped the sheets around me, tied them in a knot under my arms, rose, and went to my closet. It's just awkward being the only person naked. “I'm thinking out loud here.”
“It’s not true; it can’t be true,” he muttered.
I turned to him. I knew he could see me from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look at me. This was a man knee deep in da-Nile. My hands found my hips. “When have I ever lied to you?”
Now he faced me. He stood straight, towering over me. “So you seek to use my words against me? Yes, I lied to you, and I apologize. But that gives you no reason to presume greater moral standing.”
Apparently, Kailen’s speech devolved into formality when he was angry. “Stop.” I lifted my hands off my hips. Did I just trade lazy for crazy? “Listen to yourself. You’re not making any sense. This isn't about what you've done. This is about your watch and what it does.”
“I should have known better,” he said as he buttoned his shirt. “I should have known better than to get involved with you. As if I'm not in trouble enough with the Fae world, now I'm known to support a Changeling. Faolan was wrong. This is not the way. Something else is opening the doorways, and I intend to find out what it is.”
I pulled a summer dress on over my head and jerked off the sheets. It wasn't the most appropriate clothing, but Kailen was imploding, and I didn't have time for anything else. I couldn't do this whole Fae thing alone, and no one else had volunteered so much help. I swallowed my anger, my pride, and grabbed his arm before he could walk out the bedroom door. “Hey.” I kept my voice quiet, as if I were approaching a scared animal. “It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.”
And just like that, all the fight went out of him. His hand, on the knob of the bedroom door, dropped off, as if he no longer had the strength to keep it there. He shook his head. “You don't know Grian the way I do. That is exactly what it means.”
&
nbsp; “I'm sorry—I didn't know how to tell you.”
He tilted his head back and let out a shaky sigh. “All these years, I've been telling myself that we just didn't understand one another. That despite everything she's done, she still loves me in her own way. I went to the mortal world because it was always so hard to say no to her. Instead, I've let her use me, yet again. Fool me twice, shame on me, right? I'm such an idiot.” His voice was thick.
“You wanted to believe. It doesn't make you an idiot.” It certainly made him a better person than Grian, in my mind.
Kailen unfastened the watch and turned to face me. Though his nose and eyes were red, he'd not shed a tear. “I'll grieve later.” He held up the watch. “We need to figure out how she made this and how to unmake it. We don't have much time. I suggest we go to my apartment. I have more tools there.”
“Agreed.” I looked back at the clock by the bedside. Nine—two hours past the time I normally showed up to Frank Gibbons, Inc. “But we're stopping by my office on the way.”
ANOTHER HOUR LATER, AFTER we'd both showered, eaten, and I'd dressed in a more appropriate pants and jacket, we hummed along in Kailen's car. The gun sat heavy in my inside pocket, loaded with a new clip. The butter knife was in another pocket.
“Why do you need to go by work?” he said, the muscles in his jaw jumping. “You need to grab some paperwork to do while we're trying to, you know, save the world?”
“I'm quitting.”
“Oh.”
“I like my job, but I can't close doorways and go on business trips at the same time. I'll have to find something with more flexibility.” I'd always felt a fluttering nervousness before making large decisions—before choosing which college to go to, the night before my wedding to Owen, the day before I accepted the job at Frank Gibbons, Inc. I only felt calm now. Maybe it was because I'd always made the wrong decisions. Or maybe it was simply because, for the first time, I knew I was making the right one.
“You're really doing it, aren't you?” he said as we pulled into the parking lot.
Loose Changeling: A Changeling Wars Novel Page 24