Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

  ‘youre not to be shocked’ Mum tells them,

  and while she shows the Rineys up our back stairs she keeps knocking the corrugated iron wall with her knuckles, and all at once we get to the top,

  ‘thats the back door to our flat’ Mike says, pointing across the yard,

  so they stand puffing and getting a good look,

  ‘its the only door’ i say,

  and at last we have some real visitors who settle in

  the comfortable chairs and they start telling Mum how pleased they are,

  ‘this little flat is so snug!’ says Aunt Mirrie,

  ‘and its been such a fine spring day for motoring’ says Uncle Dick,

  ‘and we are so very pleased, Dods’ Aunt Mirrie says ‘to hear about your job with the Ministry of Food’

  ‘better than that babywear shop you had’ Uncle Dick says,

  ‘though im sure it was a beautiful shop’ Aunt Mirrie says,

  ‘yes but a job is more solid’ Uncle Dick tells her,

  and Mum brings lunch on plates for everyone to put on their laps,

  and i pull a face at Jeremy while hes munching,

  ‘and as for you, little man’ Aunt Mirrie says to me as if im her favourite already ‘you remind me of your dear father’ and she pinches hold of my cheek and waggles it so i feel stupid and she speaks in a loud voice ‘what do you say to that?’

  and i say ‘i dont remem—’

  ‘his father was so handsome’ she tells us all ‘my Dick used to be quite green with jealousy, werent you, pet?’

  and Uncle Dick gives her a wink though Mum says winking is vulgar,

  and Jeremy sprawls on the settee while he watches his mother and father cracking jokes, but i spy Mike nudging Di in the ribs now weve finished so we all slip out together to get away, along the corridor we go where we cant be seen and run through the kitchen and out into the yard where we climb up on the roof and Mike and i explode with laughter because nobody will find us here and Diana bursts into tears,

  ‘i hate those people’ she says,

  so i give her my hanky because shes upset and now she can blow her nose too,

  ‘i want to poison them!’ she says,

  ‘cheer up’ Michael says ‘its not hard to get poison because quite ordinary things are poisonous, like pear pips’

  ‘pear pips!’ i yell at him because that’s so ridiculous,

  but Mike sticks his nose in the air ‘its scientific’ he says ‘theres cyanide in pear pips’

  and i know cyanide is the same as arsenic, but Di still has her doubts,

  ‘so how do we get the Rineys to eat them?’ she asks,

  Mike says ‘we can if its just Jeremy because we dont have to persuade Jeremy, we force him’

  and i feel better now,

  but when Mum calls us Michael climbs down to go in and he comes back out ages later, ‘im to tell you the Rineys are leaving’ he says and stands at the open door, ‘and ive promised Mum youll both behave’

  so we know hes not joking and we march down the back stairs side by side clump-clump clump-clump and i want to kiss Di because she looks so sulky,

  ‘goodbye goodbye goodbye’ the Rineys call,

  and we stamp across the street in step though we dont dare to poke out our tongues in case Michael catches us, and Mum leans into the car to kiss Miriam and then its Mikes turn,

  ‘Aunty Mirrie’ he says ‘would you like to see Arthur?’

  ‘and whos Arthur, dear?’ she asks,

  and while she gives him a big smile with her bright red lips my gut starts twisting up because i know!

  Mike unbuttons his shirt,

  and suddenly Aunt Mirrie flings her fat body back in the seat and her face goes purple and her huge mouth opens wide and she SCREAMS so loud that people walking on the other side of the street stop to stare, and Mike backs off,

  ‘Dods!’ Aunt Miriam shrieks,

  because his pet snake is curled up all warm and snoozing against his chest,

  ‘Dods!’ Uncle Dick roars behind the wheel,

  and Mike skips out of reach,

  ‘the thought of that—’ Aunt Miriam shudders in her fur coat ‘that slimy creature hiding there all through lunch! you horrid boy!’ she shrieks ‘you horrid horrid boy! sitting next to me to eat! oh i feel sick! sick! sick!’

  and the car shoots off like a rocket all black and glittering,

  ‘poor Mirrie’ Mum says and shes laughing so much there are tears in her eyes, but Mikes cross ‘Arthurs a harmless grass snake’ he says ‘and he gets frightened by loud noises’

  and while i wait in the butchers queue with Mum she teaches me to read the sign WHALE MEAT FOR SALE and there are chunks of it in the window because whale meat is dark red and looks disgusting and inside the shop theres sawdust on the floor and some of its got blood mixed up with it and i dont want to be in this queue,

  ‘but queues are a good thing’ Mum says ‘queues are what make us civilised’

  and this surprises me so that i look around at the people lined up behind us,

  and we go to Miss Wilkinses Infants and Miss Wilkins makes us stand in line for drill but my gasmask gags me and the rubber farts against my cheeks, and after the bell i fetch a pencil and begin drawing so i can think about my first day at school that was awful because we were too early and the chairs were still upside down on the desks and i was left alone, and when the other kids came they poked their tongues out at me and i cried and looked for Di, though she was so furious she pushed me away,

  ‘stop clinging to me’ she said ‘im in second class’

  and we take turns standing on the step of the X-ray machine at the shoe shop where i put my feet in the slot at the bottom like im shown while Mr Higgins looks into the machine at the top,

  ‘the best new shoes leave room for your feet to grow’ he says,

  and now im allowed to look for myself and this is fun because i stare into the glass screen down at my feet a long long way below me right at the bottom and they look like green bones in green jelly toes, and they look too far off to be mine though they are and i can prove it by wiggling them,

  ‘one day’ Mr Higgins says ‘we shall have a machine so big we can see your whole skeleton’

  and now Di has her go,

  ‘angel feet’ she says,

  and what puzzles me about growing is why we cant ever catch ourselves doing it, even while Gran keeps saying what a big boy i am i still feel little, though this is my secret that she mustnt know because she says i have footballers knees too, and we wear our new shoes into the street and theyre completely waterproof! so you can stamp in puddles and its okay,

  ‘the shoes are a present from Gran’ Mum says,

  i have to share the bath with Mike so we can save water and gas, but what i see is that his willie has an extra bit of skin and i dont like the look of it,

  ‘what?’ he says,

  and i slosh around to get my wooden duck bobbing on the waves so i dont have to look,

  but Mike laughs nastily,

  does this mean theres something wrong with mine?

  and we hang around the railway station watching old men up ladders taking down the towns name, and theres a conductor who always talks to us,

  ‘so now’ he says ‘German commandos parachuting into the parish wont know where they are’

  ‘will they be lost?’ i ask him,

  ‘lost and wandering i dont know where’ he says ‘so then they can be easy caught’

  but one sign wont come off so it has to be bashed with a hammer,

  and an army truck stops outside the goods yard so some troops jump out to line up in a row and they look grumpy but because theyre soldiers they have to keep their heads still while their eyes switch about,

  can yuo you see me from up in heven?

  BANG! and then the sound of bombers drones away to nothing and that one bang is all there is, but now i can hear a single plane rumbling in and its so loud its going to dive into the to
wn because its too low to miss us, and im sick of being under the piano and im hot and Di has got the torch that she shines in my eyes while the noise gets louder and louder even though i stick my fingers in my ears and something must be wrong with it because the motors coughing,

  ‘i reckon hes been hit’ Mike says,

  ‘will he crash on top of us?’ i say,

  ‘no’ Mike says ‘but i dare say he wont get further than the common’

  ‘i hope he does crash’ i say ‘then we can go up and look at the wreck’

  ‘youll do no such thing, young man’ says Mum,

  and the roar passes right over our roof so that you can feel it in the piano, but Dis busy looking at one of Mums photos and she hunches away from me so i cant see,

  ‘dont cheat’ she says,

  ‘cheat yourself!’ i tell her

  and the bomber drones away and coughs and drones,

  ‘ssh, darlings’ says Mum,

  ‘its my turn!’ i say ‘bloody bloody—’

  but Di holds the snapshot out of my reach even though we are all cramped up, so i give her my tiger growl, teeth and all,

  ‘Rodney Hall!’ Mum warns,

  and i growl again for good luck and snatch the torch,

  ‘pass it on, Diana’ Mum says ‘there are plenty more to come’

  so i snatch it off her,

  ‘who are these dummies?’ i ask,

  ‘thats a family picnic’ Mum tells me,

  and i get a good close look,

  ‘but we dont know them’ i say,

  ‘we often had picnics like that, though the flies!’ Mum says ‘youd never imagine so many flies!’

  and i can still hear that enemy bomber coughing and droning away alone, so maybe Michael was wrong and it wont crash,

  ‘we used to ride horses all day and make camp at night’ Mum says ‘and sit around poking at the fire’

  the sky outside goes quiet,

  ‘do they have air raids in Kangaroo Valley?’ i say,

  ‘no darling’ Mum says ‘the war is only here’

  i get busy picking at a scab on my knee and at last the all-clear starts up, and we can hear voices from the street below and a man in steel-capped boots running clip clip, clip clip the whole way down towards the railway station, so when Mum gets up we scramble out and make a dash for the window and out there the sun is just coming up,

  ‘its tomorrow’ Mike says,

  and everythings still and quiet,

  ‘well thats the first raid i ever heard of with only one bomb’ Mum says ‘anyway, we are safe’

  and she kisses us all and goes into the kitchen while we stay at the window to watch, but she can guess,

  ‘now now, you children!’ she calls,

  because here come the usual women and they stroll across the street to hang around the telephone booth,

  ‘are those tarts there again?’ Mum says and shes banging things on the stove already ‘is that what youre watching?’

  ‘no’ i say,

  but Diana and Michael have mesh marks printed on their noses,

  ‘are they widows?’ i ask because Mums a widow,

  ‘dont be a dope’ Mike says,

  and the secret is that Mums husband died before the war, so his death doesnt mean anything and i cant remember him,

  ‘one might as well live in Gomorrah!’ Mum grumbles,

  and i know Gomorrah is the word for an important place,

  everything in the street is wet and empty,

  ‘look!’ says Mike,

  and we can see for ourselves, across the road the funeral parlour is gone and i wish Mum was here to hold my hand,

  and theres just a big hole and Roger Sawyer is looking down into it,

  ‘hullo Roger’ i call out,

  Dis got her skipping rope so she starts skipping,

  and Rogers fathers looking into the hole too, and hes our undertaker and theyre sipping hot cocoa because i can smell it even over here and Roger is friends with Mike,

  so i call out ‘where did you get the cocoa!’

  and they wave and look cosy in scarves and gloves,

  ‘hullo there’ calls Mr Sawyer,

  Di stops skipping and we cross over and Mr Sawyer shows us the hole and its huge,

  ‘it makes you think’ he says,

  and i can see Rogers been crying because theres nothing left of their shop,

  ‘lucky there was no one home, just three corpses’ Mr Sawyer says,

  and Mike starts laughing till hes laughing so much he doubles up and he staggers around like an idiot,

  ‘whats so funny?’ i ask,

  and i hit him because he doesnt share the joke, but he grabs my head in a headlock and shoves me back towards home,

  and i know lots of things and for instance i know water runs downhill and not the other way because thats what water is, and its fun here in the gutter making a dam and i let it dribble through a bit at a time and now i can put stones in the way and watch it sneak around them, and an empty cigarette packet comes floating down to get caught,

  and Gran tells me the big picture in her room is an oil painting but i reckon its a few cows flopping in the shade under a knobbly tree,

  and shes got an armchair you can stand on for a better look and shes got some little tables too and a huge carpet and windows with round tops and curtains down to the floor and outside theres a garden that the gardener comes to do,

  so Gran complains about money all the time but when she wants us kids to run errands or when she wants us to give her kisses she bribes us with pennies and sometimes threepences and she gives the best hugs because of the way she catches hold of you to squeeze you against her and her cheeks are so soft and puffy i like kissing them and i can smell cooking smells and i touch her hair that she does in a bun, and if you pop in early enough you can catch her sitting at the dressing-table with her hair out loose and all long and white and she has a go at it with the brush, and every day she gives it a hundred strokes,

  and Gran goes to church but we dont, and instead of a number her house has a name New Mills Court with a cellar underneath thats like dungeons and upstairs she keeps a chamber pot under her bed in among the fluff and feathers, because ive seen it and its made of thick china with tulips painted on and i know she uses it at night because she has to empty it in the morning and that

  must mean she squats down on it and Mum calls this Victorian,

  ‘will you fetch me the newspaper?’ Gran says,

  ‘how much?’ i say,

  ‘all you think of, i suppose’ says Gran ‘is ice-cream’

  ‘whats ice-cream?’ i say,

  and Joan lives with Gran because shes Mums sister but we never call her aunty because shes not much bigger than Michael and we just call her Joan but we love her because you can ask her things, but she shakes her head when i ask about Gomorrah, so theres something she wont tell,

  we all have to share the new butterfly net that Joans given us, and at the end of a whole afternoon weve only caught two lousy fritillaries and a cabbage white and Mike wont go for the tortoiseshell on the nettles because one wings damaged and he says it isnt good enough,

  ‘anyway butterflies are boring’ i say,

  and the dopey things weve already caught perch on the twigs we put in their jar,

  ‘what we need’ i tell him ‘is a swallowtail’

  ‘you dont say!’ Mike scoffs,

  ‘Miss Wilkins taught us about butterflies’ says Di ‘and they only live for a single day’

  and she takes the net off me because its her turn,

  ‘then a butterfly minute’ i say ‘must last for ages’

  but Michael ticks me off like he always does,

  ‘a minute is never more than a minute and a day is never more than a day, Rod’ he says,

  and suddenly out of nowhere theres a peacock butterfly fluttering and bobbing our way,

  ‘is it?’ i say,

  ‘yes, a real peacock’ Mike says and his e
yes are shining,

  and we watch it settle on a thistle flower, just like that, wings opening and shutting,

  ‘look at those colours!’ Mike whispers,

  so its bad luck that Di is the one with the net,

  ‘give it back!’ i say,

  but shes not listening to me and she goes red in the face and she brings the net swishing down,

  ‘oh well done!’ Mike shouts,

  because she got it but i wanted to get it,

  and on the way home past the gasworks we meet Joans friend Sybil so we show her our special butterfly, and Di wont shut up about how quick she was but i tell Sybil that i saw it first and Mike holds up the glass jar with the peacock in, and the best thing is that it cant fly away and its ours and i see its velvety wings and i love it, so Sybil walks some of the way home with us and i run on ahead and up the stairs two at a time because i want to be first to tell Mum,

  ‘Di got—’ i yell ‘and Sybil said—’

  ‘dont shout’ Mum says and she holds her head,

  so i go straight to the kitchen cupboard and get out her big glass bowl so we can start gassing our specimens, and Mike gets busy pouring some ammonia from the bottle into an eggcup and hes careful not to spill a drop because its dangerous stuff and we put the perforated zinc cover on the eggcup, and the upside-down glass bowl over that, and already i can smell the evaporation so the ammonia must be poisoning me,

  Mum watches but she pulls a face,

  so i tell her ‘gassing is the kindest way, Mum’

  ‘ready, Di’ Mike says ‘bring him over’

  but somehow Diana has taken hold of the jar with both hands and she turns her back on us so we cant see, and shes got the peacock all to herself and she starts carrying him out into the yard,

  ‘hey, Mike!’ i say,

  ‘what do you know!’ he says,

  and while we watch she walks away with her knees all wonky,

  ‘Di!’ Mike yells when she gets to the top of the stairs,

  but she doesnt even look back and shes gone and when we chase her shes right down the end of the lane and what we see is her snapping the rubber band from around the jar,

  ‘whats shes doing?’ i say,

  because shes ripping the paper cover off,