Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

  so i knock the catalogue off the table and on to the floor,

  ‘temper temper!’ Di says,

  but im not giving in and im never going to give in because a hundred and twelve pounds is enough to buy a car and ‘used’ only means its got a post office mark on it, so what about my printing set? because sometimes the post office mark is just a bit of a smudge on one corner and that counts just the same, and as for the glue i could just lick it off the back,

  i press my nose up against the mirror in case im still like my father and his brother Ted but my face squashes and gets misty while i try to find things in my eyes when all there is is eyes and eyebrows and a flat nose, so i bare my teeth to look fierce instead but thats just silly and id laugh if i was in the mood, but even then i see something i dont want to see, so i wipe the mirror with my sleeve,

  and when Mike stops outside Mr Norths shop we stop too and im looking in at the glass bottles in the window with their enormous round bottoms that are big enough for me to curl up inside, but theyve got long thin necks that nobody could get out through and glass stoppers,

  ‘oy!’ growls this tough voice behind us,

  and its a bunch of kids watching and they walk our way with jackets slung across their shoulders like capes and this is dangerous, and the twins are with them too and i recognise those prickly clothes and a jumper with the holes in it,

  ‘oy!’

  but i dont like the look of this because they block our way and even with Mike we will have no chance against so many if it comes to a fight and the twins dont like us ever since their mum thought we were their friends,

  ‘dont say a word’ Mike whispers ‘leave it to me’

  and he takes something out of his pocket,

  and now i can see its one of our inventions! and i know all about it because i helped him make this, screwing two bolts into the same nut with some sulphur and stuff packed in there,

  ‘look out!’ Mike yells,

  and he chucks it right at them,

  but they dodge and it hits the wall and goes off BANG! and even im afraid though i was supposed to know,

  and they back away and put their fists up and Mike gets all excited,

  ‘want another?’ he says and gets ready to chuck another at them,

  but one of thems got an old watch that he looks at though i bet it doesnt work,

  ‘just look at the time, Lord Muck!’ he says ‘youll be late for your bath!’ and they horse around and march off swinging their arms,

  and i try picking the bolt up, but its too hot to touch,

  school is a waste of time and im fed up with lessons and i never want to go back there and i get stitch in my side from running because im late and its impossible in every way that Mum can buy me a bike and youre not here to help, though i dont stop wanting one,

  i cant get this tune out of my head that i end up whistling all the time and i whistle my way from the kitchen into the lounge room,

  ‘for Petes sake put a sock in it!’ Mike yells at me,

  and i can hear a voice down in the street calling ‘hullo there!’

  and its a man but Dianas the one who gets up to see,

  ‘hey!’ the voice calls ‘are those Hall scalliwags at home?’

  ‘is it for us?’ i say,

  anyhow Mike rushes to the window now and so do i because i dont want to miss anything,

  ‘Uncle Ralph!’ Mike shouts,

  and i look down but theres only a stranger there shading his eyes against the sun and its nobody i know,

  ‘is that really Uncle Ralph?’ Di whispers,

  but it cant be because i dont remember him,

  Mike calls out ‘whose car?’

  ‘what car?’ the stranger says,

  but theres a sports car parked right beside him,

  so i yell ‘there!’ and point,

  and he jumps away from it like someone getting an electric shock,

  ‘what? not again! officer, arrest this car! its following me!’

  i laugh because thats so ridiculous!

  ‘what do you think, Titch?’ the stranger calls to me ‘should i catch it out?’ and he puts a finger to his lips while he tiptoes around it,

  ‘yes!’ Diana screams,

  but i yell ‘no! you silly!’

  and the stranger leans in and grabs hold of the wheel and the horn toots,

  ‘it doesnt like that!’ he says ‘but ive got it by the neck so its safe for you to come down now’

  ‘is he the real Uncle Ralph?’ i ask Mike,

  but the stranger down there says ‘come and find out’ and he lights a cigarette,

  i hide below the sill but i can smell his tobacco,

  ‘can two squeeze into the back?’ Mike asks ‘if ones in the front?’

  ‘how many escaped prisoners do you have then?’

  ‘three’ Diana calls down,

  and i spring up again so he can see for himself,

  ‘thats just enough and not too many’ he says,

  but Mike says ‘does Mum even know youre here?’

  and i bet she doesnt, i just bet she doesnt,

  so i yell out for her ‘Mum, Mum!’

  and without waiting for an answer i race around the flat until i find her in the yard pegging out some washing,

  and so i tell her ‘he says—, he says—’ but then i hear doors start slamming away inside the flat ‘he says—’

  Mike charges past behind my back singing out ‘its Uncle Ralph downstairs’

  and already Mums untying her apron and she smiles,

  ‘lets see what the fuss is about’ she says and takes my hand,

  but the others have already reached the corner at the end of the lane, out of the shadows and into the sunny street where they dance around the stranger who lifts Di up and sticks a big kiss on her cheek,

  ‘i bags’ she says talking right into his face ‘i bags the front seat’

  ‘Ralph!’ cries Mum,

  so it is him,

  and the stranger kisses her too,

  ‘poor old Dods, you look tired’ he says ‘now then you lot, stand at ease and heres the drill, there are rules for kids in cars, beginning with rule number twenty-three-and-a-half, and rule twenty-three-and-a-half states that each time we stop you have to switch seats so you all get a turn in the front’

  ‘hullo’ says Uncle Ralph to me ‘is this the serious one?’

  he shakes my hand and there are sandy hairs on his wrist,

  and its the thickest warmest hand ever,

  so i grin at him because now hes my uncle and he twitches his nose like a rabbit and starts whispering in my ear ‘theres talk on the network that your tongue got slashed by the enemy’

  ‘i came a proper cropper!’

  everyones crowding round him,

  ‘a proper cropper?’ he laughs ‘give us a look at it, Titch’

  so i stick my tongue right out for him to see, and Uncle Ralph is the only man in the world who ever called me Titch and he takes his time and then he shakes his head ‘thats a champion tongue so i suppose it must have taken seventy-seven stitches to fix?’

  ‘five’ Mum says,

  but i was going to tell him eight,

  ‘you could have fooled me’ he puts on some sunglasses to squint at it again,

  ‘it hurt like hell’ i tell him,

  ‘i bet it did’

  and Mum tut-tuts,

  ‘now then kids, when i say go you can all hop into my car’ Uncle Ralph says,

  and he holds up his hand like a policeman to stop us moving and we wait and we wait,

  ‘Go!’

  Mikes first and even though theres no proper seat in the back he climbs in just the same and perches on the ledge there,

  ‘thats right’ Uncle Ralph tells him,

  and im beside Mike and Dis in the front and Mum waves and we wave back,

  and we are off already and wind dashes my hair about faster and faster and the shops move away behind us getting smaller and
smaller, and we zoom around corners and suddenly huge gasometers swing at me and i duck,

  ‘whats that pedal on the left?’ Mike asks and points down past Uncle Ralphs shoulder,

  ‘thats the clutch’ Uncle Ralph says,

  ‘whats the clutch?’ i ask,

  ‘a thing that gets the gears going’

  ‘whats the gears?’ i ask,

  ‘the gears make the car go’ Uncle Ralph says,

  and up we swoop over the top of a hill and down into a dip so my tummy drops and i have to hang on like mad,

  but Michael shouts ‘whoo-oops!’

  and we get the idea,

  so at the next dip we shout ‘whoo-oops!’

  but the car slows down and stops and Uncle Ralph pulls the handbrake on,

  ‘heres a stroke of luck’ he says pointing across a field ‘do you see what those women are doing?’

  and the army women wear uniforms,

  ‘whats that?’ says Di ‘what are they standing round?’

  ‘a barrage balloon’ Mike says ‘half full of gas’

  but already its big like an elephant and all slumpy the way it lolls on the ground,

  ‘look!’ i say,

  because the tail fins fill and pop up and the whole huge thing rolls and straightens and the cables all around stretch tight, and it starts lifting off the ground,

  ‘this is fantastic’ Mike says,

  and the women get hold of some ropes and dole them out hand-over-hand so that the balloon only gets to rise a bit at a time,

  ‘shall we put our money on the WAAFs’ Uncle Ralph asks and he pats my head with his big warm hand ‘or the Loch Ness monster?’

  ‘the Loch Ness monster is a snake’ i tell him,

  ‘is that a fact?’ he says ‘well, i never!’

  and the WAAFs have trouble keeping their feet on the ground but theyre like a tug-of-war team,

  ‘see how determined they are’ Uncle Ralph says ‘hanging on like that’

  and the balloon already looks as if its stuck halfway up in the sky,

  Uncle Ralph gets out to stretch his legs and he starts us cheering so we jump about and wave our arms, but the women dont bother about us or anything,

  ‘dare you to start it!’ i say to Mike when he jumps into the drivers seat and tinkers with the knobs,

  ‘this is the fuel gauge’ he shows me and taps it and he knows the names of everything already ‘and this is the dashometer’

  ‘perhaps id better drive’ says Uncle Ralph ‘i begin to suspect you might be that young Michael Hall, the famous daredevil’

  and so Mike slips over to the passenger side and Di gets in beside me and we watch Uncle Ralph drive with the gearstick and i reckon i could do that because it doesnt look hard, and we race right up to the crossroads where we slow down,

  ‘which way now?’ says Uncle Ralph,

  and i yell ‘left!’

  so thats the way we go,

  ‘why dont you come home more often?’ Di says ‘we want to see you’

  and i get a bright idea and i say ‘so does Olive’

  but Mike reaches back to hit me over the head,

  ‘ah’ Uncle Ralph mutters ‘Olive’

  and he steers the car,

  and Mike says ‘these are hairpin bends!’

  and we zoom under an arch of leaves with shadows flickering all over the bonnet and all over everyones hair,

  ‘Popeyes sweetheart is called Olive’ i say,

  and i get a good look at Uncle Ralph’s cheeks that are so red he must scrub them too hard, and i wonder if all he ever does is wash his face and shave his chin and drive his car around in the wind, and i cant wait for us to stop again because this time itll be my turn to sit in the front,

  ‘dont worry’ Uncle Ralph says as if he knows what im thinking ‘young Michael will obey the rules’

  and soon the time comes for me to get settled,

  ‘ready, sir?’ says Uncle Ralph,

  and i can only nod because i cant make any words come,

  ‘stand by’ says Uncle Ralph, saluting, and then the engine rawls and hills and fields begin to fly away behind us, and i have to lift my bottom to save it getting scraped because the bitumen is skimming so close underneath me,

  and we could go on like this forever and ever because the best thing in the whole world is a car, and the best thing in a car is sitting next to the driver, but the worst thing is seeing our town come up ahead with the same old houses and telegraph wires, and having to slow down for the same old people to cross at the same old Belisha beacon and then stopping altogether outside the same old bakery opposite Lewises,

  still, its pretty good sitting in the car and i dont care if showing off is bad because everybody notices, but Michaels busy taking a close look at the dials,

  ‘we drove eighteen miles’ he says,

  and my lucky number is eighteen because thats when my birthday is, and he gives me his big sunglasses to try on,

  ‘yum yum’ says Uncle Ralph pointing to a dish of cream buns in the shop window ‘hop to it, Mike, and buy us four of the squashiest’ he says ‘heres a shilling’

  ‘yum yum!’ we say all together in a chorus,

  so Michael darts off to join the queue at the counter,

  ‘once upon a time’ Uncle Ralph tells Diana and me ‘your mother had her shop just up the road here’

  ‘and what happened next?’ i say,

  ‘she sold baby clothes and things’ he says ‘but the other shopkeepers in this forgotten backwater drove her out of business because they said she had got too posh for them and the poor old dear, so it would seem, never got over it’

  but i dont remember a shop and anyway i feel important because theres a lady staring at us and she just came out of Lewises where they have frocks in the window and she looks like a rich person from London because she frowns and digs around in her purse so i suddenly get a terrible idea and nudge Diana,

  ‘help!’ i whisper,

  because what i reckon is that this must be Uncle Ralphs wife coming over to catch him out and take him off us, and she crosses the road and shes wearing a veil with little dots and Uncle Ralph looks up,

  ‘good afternoon’ he says,

  but she doesnt say anything back, so she cant be his wife after all, whew! because wives always have to answer, but shes going to give him something,

  ‘what is it?’ i whisper,

  ‘just a feather’ Di whispers back,

  yes, its a little old feather that she must have got off a white duck by the look of it, and a bit crumpled too,

  but Uncle Ralph says nothing,

  and all through the body of the car i can feel the motor running,

  so the lady whos not his wife waits for him to take the feather off her and it shivers in the wind, and at last he tucks it away in his inside pocket,

  but Di speaks up and says to her ‘we dont know you!’

  and because Uncle Ralph is quiet i say ‘we dont like you’

  ‘children!’ he warns us,

  but the lady just stands and stares while her ears go red around her earrings and she clips her purse shut with gold knobs like ball-bearings and her nails are painted bright red, and i hate her because this is Gomorrah and shes a bitch and a tart and i bet she goes into telephone booths!

  and even the butchers boy watches her rush away from us and back up the steps into Lewises, and hes still pedalling along on his bicycle and he only just misses a lorry knocking him over because he swerves just in time!

  ‘well i never!’ Uncle Ralph says at last,

  but his voice is really soft,

  ‘now that’ says Uncle Ralph ‘was unexpected’

  and the little bell above the bakers door tinkles when Mike comes out,

  ‘you missed it’ i tell him,

  ‘what?’ Mike says,

  ‘nothing’ says Uncle Ralph,

  ‘but—’ says Di,

  ‘nothing’ says Uncle Ralph,

  and who
cares? now Mikes doling out cream buns and i take my first mouthful and its a big creamy bite,

  and Uncle Ralph says ‘thanks Michael’ though he pops his own back in the paper bag and tucks it away under the seat,

  Mums got a new song,

  ‘let the bright seraphim in burn-ing row’ she sings ‘their bright up-lift-ed angel trum-pets blow’

  and her voice is so loud and so high i throw myself back against the wall as if shes knocked me out,

  ‘let the cher-u-bic hosts—’ she sings,

  and im flopping and twitching all over the place and shes laughing so much she cant sing anymore,

  and my idea is to go to Mrs Harrises hotel to say hullo,

  ‘but she wont want us in there without Mike’ Di says,

  ‘yes she will’ i say ‘if we offer to help’

  ‘what with?’

  ‘anything’

  ‘like washing?’ Di suggests,

  and the corridor is gloomy and the lino is brown, but suddenly the bar door crashes open and these soldiers stagger through,

  ‘watch out!’ Di shrieks,

  so i dodge down towards the kitchen, but the soldiers come that way too and theyre arguing and shoving and there are four of them and they look pretty rough so they cant be Americans, and i get squashed against the wall,

  ‘Rod!’ Di yells,

  but im right here at the open door,

  ‘ya bloody mug!’ one soldiers shouting,

  and i watch them cross the yard and stamp around in the rain, splashing in puddles and bumping up against the old water butt thats got green slime on it, and they shout right in each others faces,

  ‘im gonna get ya for that!’

  ‘you and who else?’

  ‘ya mug!’

  and first the punch makes a smacking sound on his jaw but he starts laughing, and now theyre all laughing and hanging around and everythings alright,

  ‘Rod!’ says Di,

  and shes waiting for me at the front door,

  home from school i keep scratching because my head itches and Dianas the same so Mum gets a close look,

  ‘youve caught nits!’ she says ‘how disgusting!’

  and she washes her hands and she doesnt love us anymore because we are dirty,

  ‘the nits are the eggs’ Mike explains to us ‘and we have to get rid of them before they can hatch out into little crawly things that swarm all over your head, so thats what this special comb is for because its a metal comb and the teeth are really really close together’