Forever Distraction

by Stephanie Jean

  I made my way to the front area of the club’s ‘voyeur station’ and saw her. Katarina was dressed in a snug red dress, her black hair shining, even in the low light. I forgot how petite she was. Every feature had been burned into my brain, and I yelled at myself for forgetting how delicate and defenseless she was. How was she going to survive in this cruel, sick world, when she looked so fragile? I was furious with her, and I reminded myself she tricked me and left, taking my heart with her.

  I studied her from a room away, close enough to see her every moment, but not where she could see me. I also didn’t appear the same as when she left me. I resembled a grizzly bear, angry on the inside and hairy on the outside. Lately, my speech contained a lot of growls and grunts. Katarina also appeared to have lost her glow. She was sitting on someone else’s lap. I fought the urge to escort her out and punch the shit out of him for bringing her here.

  She was watching the scene in front of her, the orgy of people having consensual sex. Her eyes were fixated, hypnotized by the erotic, soft play. She licked her lips. She was horny; her eyes squeezed shut and a seductive curl hit the corner of her lips. Fuck me…I had missed those lips, the lips that brought me so much joy and pleasure. Her eyes popped open and she turned to the man she was sitting on to kiss him. She frickin’ kissed him as his hand started moving all over her body and I felt ill.

  “Hey, man, I got this if you want to spy on someone else,” Alex’s voice blasted over the music.

  “Yeah, okay.” I tore my eyes away from Katarina’s hot body and gritted my teeth. The idea of her kissing anyone else was beyond torture. I opened my eyes after long, grueling moments of mental fucking torture just imagining what the fuck he was doing to her now—yes, doing to her, because Katarina was still innocent in my eyes. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. My eyes snapped open; my impulse was too strong and I couldn’t deny it. In the dark corner of the crowded room, I watched her tiny figure stand up, and the moron she was with followed her.

  I studied her face carefully, and noticed the moment it transformed into disgust and self-loathing. It brought joy to all my parts, knowing no one could replace me. She took the back of her hand and swiped her mouth, trying to get his trace off her. My smile widened almost painfully, the look of misery on her face making me instantly happy. Alex hung back and I moved to the other side of the club. My eyes never veered from her for longer than a few seconds. She was wearing a tiny red dress, and she carried her shoes in her hand as she tiptoed on the hardwood floor. She was still the sexiest creature I had ever laid my eyes on.

  To say I was one horny-ass motherfucker for that girl was an understatement. Her delicate movements, the way her hips rocked from side to side, even the shift of her chin as she entered the new room showed her confidence. I knew from experience she was maintaining a performance in this new uncomfortable setting involving crowds and chaos. The only thing restraining me from running to her and burying my stiff cock deep inside her was the fucking letter, the letter telling me she had no feelings for me, the letter that told me to go fuck myself. So I watched, studied, and predicted her next move.

  She sat in front of a scene and her male companion tried to get her to sit on his lap, but Katarina refused him. Was she playing hard to get? I noticed the expression on her face was forced, practiced. Katarina didn’t like him. My grin turned smug and my pants grew tight. There are many scenes Katarina could see from where she sat, but I could only see one from my position. The other scenes were only partial visions. I took a look at the male in the room, who was just getting started, and I wondered how scared she would be of the performer.

  It was Doc; Doc was raw and it could go either way. I knew Doc when he lived in Sacramento about six years ago before he moved to Los Angeles. He was a Dominant I aspired to be like, extremely controlled. I had watched him with his wife as he dialed into her moans and gave her pleasure after pleasure. His movement swift and precise, he was very meticulous and never missed his mark. He was so into it the audience never affected him either way. The problem was when he got pissed. If he was with someone other than his wife and she said the wrong thing or reacted the wrong way, he went a little ballistic.

  Fuck little—it was more like fucking crazy. The pain for the sub got extreme and no one could help her. The only thing she could do was use her safe word, but only if she remembered to. Sometimes a sub was so confused by sudden mood shifts that she or he forgot even their own name. At this point, I hoped the pretty blonde sub he was with played her part to a T, because I wanted to watch Katarina for just a while longer. He pulled out a red and black, heavy tail flogger, the one with suede mixed with leather. It was a combination of a soft sweep and sharp sting. He flicked his wrist and loud, biting snaps rang out, and I could feel his rush, the rush of pleasure extending all the way to my feet, where I gripped the hardwood floor with my toes.

  Katarina disappeared from my sight as more people crowded around the scene and I closed my eyes trying to fucking calm myself, reminding myself she was no longer mine, repeating it in my head to try to convince myself. Not. Fucking. Mine.

  I turned and watched others enjoying the freedom of the sex club. A man we call Old Man Jefferson was spanking his wife, an Asian woman almost half his age. The older generation didn’t use first names. They had nicknames that helped with the continued privacy. The couple directly in front of me was sweating, and I could feel the sexual intoxication that ran between them. It was thicker than tension and beyond lust. It was a drug only certain people could let themselves feel, let themselves succumb to. Once you felt it, there was nothing that could replace it.

  I caught quick movements out of the corner of my eye, my head snapping in the direction, but all movement stopped. I went back down the private hall hoping to make it to the security room to get a better look at what caught my eye. I saw a dark image move in front of me, and the smell of this creature wrapped around me, causing my brain to shut off momentarily. She smelled like heaven and comfort.

  My legs broke into a run trying to catch up with her. The closer I got, the further she seemed. The only thing I had going for me was knowing this hallway; I knew where it led. I knew every room that still remained in front of me. I got close enough to feel her hair tickling my face. My stride was in perfect sync with hers, and then my arm snaked out around her as we approached our final turn in the dark hall and I wrapped it tightly around her stomach. She was sealed to me, with no chance of escape.

  I pushed open the next door and moved to the corner. It was a storage closet; racks of large white towels and paper supplies lined the shelves. I dragged her to the corner and held her body close to mine, so close all the memories of Katarina came flooding back to me, memories I had attempted to hide. Her body shivered in fear, her panic rolling off of her in huge waves. She fought me in a vicious attempt to break free. I liked it…a lot.

  “Shh, don’t be scared.” My arms tightened when I hit the wall behind me and heard a loud commotion coming from outside. Someone was getting a beat-down. If I was guessing correctly, it was multiple people. From the grunts and the loud cursing, it was three. I should have been out there helping the man who was on the receiving end of the two assholes. They were assholes, because in no circumstance was it okay for a two-on-one beat-down. I lightened my hold on Katarina, deciding I could hide her and come back. I leaned in and ran my mouth over her shoulder until I met the spot I missed, the L-spot where her neck and her shoulder met. I gave it a little taste.

  “I…I,” she stuttered, “don’t like dark places. Please don’t hurt me.”

  I hated how that statement made me want to beat the shit out of someone. “I would never hurt you, Katarina.” Her legs gave out and I quickly caught her, forgetting about the brutal screaming coming from the other side of the door. Her crying made me forget about everything. I fell to the floor and held her close, listening to the sound of her heartbreaking sobs. I kept begging her not to cry. Even my pleas were drowned out by her sobbing and hiccups.r />
  I fucking hated to hear her cry. She was my kryptonite. I was powerless to her at this point, and I would do anything, say anything to make her happy again, to see her smile, and to hear her laugh. Instead, I held her for a long while until the crying stopped and her breathing evened out. Not a second went by that I didn’t think about how much I needed this. I needed to comfort her, needed to be the one to fix her pain. I craved to be her hero more than the vengeful villain she saw me as.

  It didn’t make things better between us. I was still going to walk away. No sex, no kissing, no fucking ‘I love you’—none of it was going to make what I had to do easier. Katarina made me feel too many things. She made me believe in forever again. Fuck that. I didn’t have a heart anymore. She took it, the whole thing, when she left. I was a different man now, changing again to accommodate that pain, just like when Jacy died. I was evolving into a man with no heart, no conscience, and no soul.

  Her voice broke my demon thoughts. “I hate you made me feel things, things I never should have allowed myself to feel. My heart hurts so bad, and if I wasn’t broken before I met you, I am now, and I hate you for that. I kissed someone tonight and I hate how guilty I feel. I hate that I forget what your lips taste like, how they feel against mine.” She went silent, and all I could think was, That’s ditto for me, princess. The fucking hurting goes both ways, and she would never feel my lips against hers again.

  Finally, she continued, “I heard him say the words he used to say to me, and I hate him too. I hate him so much, Jason. I hope I never see him again. I wish pain on him.”

  I closed my eyes, listening to her grow more panicked, wondering who she saw and what the hell he said. I wanted him to still be here so I could beat the shit out of him. I wasn’t sure who I would be beating him up for, Katarina or myself. I asked her not to cry, and I fucking wished she would shut the hell up too, no more talking. She obeyed, and nothing was spoken for long moments. I had to wonder what the hell she was doing here. If she told me she was here to find me, could I forgive her? Would I?

  I took a chance and asked her, but her answer didn’t make any sense to me. If she didn’t like her father, why in the hell would she follow him to such a dark place? Katarina and her reasoning for why she did things was maddening; my brain told me to set her free. I stood up, placing her on her feet, and I decided I would clean her up and get her a ride home. Katarina brought out the stalker tendencies in me, so the less I knew about where she lived, the better I was.

  “We need a word, a word that’ll alert me you are about to run,” I demanded using my authoritative voice; it helped me keep my distance, and I couldn’t have her take off on me now. Her head lifted and her shoulders squared, and I knew she was displaying how strong she was.

  “Nuts.” She flashed me a wicked smile. I mimicked her smile, missing the nonverbal game we would play. Instantly, I fucking hated myself for my natural reaction.

  I led her to a private room attempting to slowly separate myself from her. In the bathroom, I warmed a towel under the sink and wiped her face where the tears and makeup left trails. I even attempted to wipe her tongue where the other man’s mouth had been. I was being cautious, not wanting to retrigger the breakdown she just had, knowing I couldn’t do what I needed to do if she was crying. She started talking, picking a fight with me, and it was fucking turning me on. It was her mouth, the way it twitched and her eyes bulging out like she was forcing them not to roll when she thought I was being insensitive.

  I needed space; fuck, I needed distance from her. It wasn’t just one thing…it was all of it; every emotion she evoked from me was uniquely Katarina, and it caused a lustful and extremely sexual response. I was so fucking hard for her; the only thought in my mind was, I hope she does run, because I would be justified when I held her down and fucked her. Fuck! I yelled at myself in my head. I fled the room, but she followed.

  “Are you done?” I asked, meaning …with the utter mind-fuck you’re giving me. My phone rang and I answered it, not taking my eyes off Katarina. “Yes?” I barked and Alex’s voice was soft on the other end.

  “I guess she’s with you.”

  “Yes,” I repeated, balling my hands into fists, anger pushing to the front of all my emotions.

  “Are you feeling all right?” he asked, and I knew I would never be all right again. “Do you want me to take her home?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut at the offer, feeling a strong need for an alcoholic beverage. “I’ll bring her out in a minute, and then yes, please take her home.” I stood there—wanting to run and not wanting to run; things were so fucked. If I ever saw her again, I had planned to explain everything. I knew it wouldn’t make a difference, because she was going to leave anyway, but I wanted her to know. I needed her to know about all the times I was there watching in the audience, the time we ate ice cream together, and I also…fuck. I let a heavy sigh loose. I also wanted her to know she wasn’t revenge; she was a mystery.

  Katarina began taking off her clothes slowly. What in the fuck was she doing? I wasn’t going to have sex with her, even if she begged me. No frickin’ way. When she was fully unclothed, I asked her what she was doing, and she gave me the simplest answer. “I want you to whip me. You do that, right?” She paused, her dark blue eyes holding mine, and then she lifted her chin and stated, “I can take it.”

  I laughed; I had to. She was telling me what she wanted, and this wasn’t Burger King—she couldn’t have it her way. She quieted when I laughed, and I rather enjoyed the fact my laughter made her uncomfortable. She should get used to that. Did she come into a club made for domination and not know the rules? Did she think she was special? Or maybe she thought she could throw her money around and people would fall at her feet and do whatever she asked. Ha! Not going to happen, not in my domain. She began fidgeting, and I had to make a call right then if I could do this. Can I fuck her and walk away?

  “It doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to order what you want. You don’t get to order anything.”

  Her face fell forward, her eyes closed, and I looked her over. I felt eager to tie her down; I had dreamed of this, craved her this way for too long. I was charged, the feeling of the wood beneath my feet, the aged whiskey coursing through my body, and my hard cock begging me to follow my dark instincts. I closed my eyes wanting to savor Katarina, wanting this moment to last. This was so important for me; it was more important than our first kiss. It was the first time I would officially become her master. If I moved too quickly, it would end her trust and I would never have her as my piece of artwork, my tied-up beauty.

  I took a deep calming breath as I stood facing her. She was the most beautiful sight when she was naked. I stood completely still and devoured her with my eyes, taking my time studying her body, waiting for her to relax. My eyes moved gradually to her feet, burning every image into my brain. She had red toenail polish on her purely feminine feet, reminding me of little pieces of cinnamon candy. My eyes journeyed up her small, toned legs and lingered at the bare spot between them. The smooth skin looked pure and innocent. It turned me on knowing I was the first one who got to touch this beauty, knowing what a sexy creature she was underneath her clothes.

  Her hips had an hourglass shape and her flat stomach had a birthmark next to her belly button; it was a small, brown mark, and it reminded me of a tiny heart. My gaze traveled up and lingered on her breasts. The nipples were tight, small, and curved up when she was aroused, like right now. The color was the same as her lips, a darker pink. The shape of her breasts was full, and I licked my lips as I felt the smile creep across my face. She was mine; I was in control of this.

  “In this moment together, you will be mine. After we leave this room, it’s over; you’ll be more broken, and no man will ever fill that hole. Just like me, Katarina, you’ll be a drifter, and nothing will ever feel like home. This will only fuck you in the head more. Do you understand? What you are asking from me will be the sexual death of us both.” Honestly, I wanted to sc
are her, wanted her to run from me. I wanted her to scream, but nothing happened.

  I was already damaged goods. I had been with women over the past few days, but it wasn’t the same. Sex was still sex, but I forced myself, the enjoyment was lost. It was fucking zombie sex, my bodily function a response to my bodily actions. It didn’t even feel like I came as hard or as much. I had a mental block, one I would eventually overcome…hopefully.

  I placed my index finger under her chin and lifted her face up to meet my mine. Her eyes defiantly kept shifting away from mine. “Do you hear me?” I spoke directly into her face, and yet she still wouldn’t meet my gaze. I wasn’t going to be the animal she craved. It was going to be worse than that. She was going to give herself to me freely, and I would take. How would it feel if she gave herself to me and then I walked away? It would crush her, and then we would be even. “Look at me,” I commanded in my Dom voice, roaring in anger. “There are rules,” I told her, and briefly explained them to her, demanding she called me Sir and do everything I asked. I was going to make this as uncomfortable for her as possible, but still make her crave me. She began cringing when I said her name; it was so torturous for her, and that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to submit and beg me to fuck her. I decided to lighten the tension between us and called her Josephine. Josephine was her middle name; it was also her grandmother’s name, and I knew she saw her as a hero figure. She brightened when I told her that in here, her name was Josephine; she might have even giggled. Her body loosened up and she was beginning to relax. I watched as the small spark between us became a huge inferno, just from calling her Josephine. Her blue eyes turned more of a velvety blue, and I wanted so frickin’ bad to kiss her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Ever.

  “Why the whip?” I enquired, and the connection with Katarina’s eyes broke, fear replacing the lust. She was sad, uncomfortable, and vulnerable, and this was what I needed from her. I needed her to submit everything, body and mind. “Josephine, I asked a question.” I dared her with my eyes not to see this through, fucking dared her not to submit.